Every rock star thinks he can act and every actor thinks he should be a rock star. It makes a certain kind of sense – both require creativity and a hint of talent, or at least the ability to bullshit people into believing that ]]>

Every rock star thinks he can act and every actor thinks he should be a rock star. It makes a certain kind of sense – both require creativity and a hint of talent, or at least the ability to bullshit people into believing that you are creative or have a hint of talent, which is kind of a talent in itself. Occasionally – very occasionally – this fusion results in something good, or, at the very least, interesting. Most of the time, though, whenever an actor gets it in his head that he should be a rock star, the results are absolutely terrible. If you make it to the end of this list without slitting your wrists or stabbing your eardrum with an icepick, well, just imagine what it was like to write this. I listened to some of these songs multiple times. After all, I’m a professional. Anyway, without further ado, here are 15 actors who tried to sing. May God or Buddha or Patrick Swayze or whoever have mercy on them.

15 Russell Crowe
When Russell Crowe isn’t acting or throwing telephones at hotel clerks he spends his time pretending he’s a cheesy rock star, as evidenced by this lame video. It’s grainy and shitty looking so you know it’s authentic, just like Russell’s voice. I kind of wish Commodus would have won now.

14 Kevin Bacon
Yes, Kevin Bacon sings in a band with his brother, creatively named The Bacon Brothers. I’ve gotta be honest with you, I just listened to this song two or three times in a row trying to come up with something interesting to say about it and now all I want to do is burn down a bar. Oh, and also set my ears on fire.

13 Jamie Foxx
It’s not really surprising that Jamie Foxx would see himself as a musician given his performance in the movie Ray, and to his credit he manages to sing just like every other R & B singer who’s tried to sing in the last twenty years. Seriously, listen to this without actually watching the video and tell me that it’s Jamie Foxx and not one of a million other dudes. Also, DJ, just play that goddamn love song already so Jamie will shut up.

12 Jennifer Love Hewitt
Poor Jennifer Love Hewitt just wants to know how to deal. I want to know how to deal with the fact this goddamn song is stuck in my head. Honestly, it’s not awful for what it is. I’m just saying, I’ve heard worse. Don’t judge me! Also, she dances around in a tank-top which should have at least won her a Grammy nomination. After all, I understand that’s how Mother Teresa won the Noble Peace Prize.

11 Steven Seagal
Jesus Christ. Look, I’m a writer but sometimes words fail. Just watch and… listen. I do wonder how many of those backup singers he sexually harassed. I’m guessing somewhere between all of them and… all of them.

10 Bruce Willis
This is why people think that everyone was on cocaine in the ‘80s. I’m not saying that Bruce Willis was doing coke, but somebody had to have been to get this thing made, right? If this was the price we all had to pay in order to get Die Hard made then… well, I like John McClane as much as the next dude but some things just aren’t worth it.

9 Scarlett Johansson
Hey, Scarlett Johansson covers Tom Waits. Why not? What a world. Next, we’ll have Vanessa Hudgens singing a duet with Bob Dylan or something. Oh shit, I just gave someone a terrible idea.

8 Don Johnson
Oh man, check this shit out. Remember what I said about everyone being on coke in the ‘80s? Yeah. To his credit, Don does start out the song by saying “I don’t care what you say.” Touche, Crockett. Touche. I assume Tubbs’ album went straight to number one in, like, Angola.

7 Alyssa Milano
Alyssa Milano sounds like the female version of Dirk Diggler singing in Boogie Nights. Then again, the part where she just sings “La la la, la la la” over and over again is damn near poetry. Couldn’t Tony Danza have done something about this?

6 Eddie Murphy
Cocaine, ‘80s, etc. The best part of this video is, of course, the immortal Rick James pretending he’s a responsible producer and not just a maniac high off his ass. And then, of course, by the time the video is over, Rick damn near shoves Eddie out of the picture and takes the whole damn thing over. An awe-inspiring performance really. I can’t watch this without imagining Charlie Murphy hanging around the set and wondering what he and Rick got into during filming. Also, after seeing this, how did people not immediately guess what would happen to Eddie Murphy’s career?

5 Patrick Swayze
Like the man wasn’t already great enough. You geeks can have Chuck Norris. Patrick Swayze is my hero. RIP, sweet prince. I’m just going to sit here and enjoy this video. Oh man, dig that sax solo.

4 David Hasselhoff
You’ve all heard the jokes, now listen to the reality, which somehow makes the jokes seem understated. This is just… this is… look, I can’t explain this. I know it’s my job here but you might as well ask me to explain calculus to an orangutan. That would be easier. Just take it all in and if you need to pour acid into your ear canal afterward, I understand.

[Embedding disabled - thank you - but click the pic if you must see the video]

3 William Shatner
Nobody rides that line between weird and cool like William Shatner and nothing hammers that point home more than Shatner singing “Rocket Man.” Shatner doesn’t so much sing as he just reaches into the soul of the music and strangles the shit out of it. This is the Shatner everyone does impressions of – including Shatner these days. You could mock this, or you could just sit back and marvel at it, which is what I choose to do. Do the right thing.

2 Joe Pesci
Here’s Joe Pesci rapping. Yeah. You will watch this 10 times today. I promise. Nothing more needs to be said, right?

1 Leonard Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy is cooler than you, me and everyone we collectively know. If a duet involving Nimoy and Shatner ever got out, the world would probably cave in on itself because what would be the point of even going on any further as a species? That would be the high point.

Thanksgiving is a stressful time of year in which people can get drunk and flip out for no reason find their emotions getting the better of them. In this clip, a family’s uncle rages at the Grandfather and threatens him. Just like the pilgrims and Native Americans!

It’s just ]]>

Thanksgiving is a stressful time of year in which people can get drunk and flip out for no reason find their emotions getting the better of them. In this clip, a family’s uncle rages at the Grandfather and threatens him. Just like the pilgrims and Native Americans!

It’s just sad to see what’s happened to Steven Seagal after his show Lawman was canceled.

Uncle Freaks Out At Thanksgiving Dinner [Viral Viral Videos]

The life of a movie star can be a complicated one. One day you’re beloved by everyone and the next you’re hopping on a couch in front of a terrified Oprah and nobody can watch any of your movies anymore without laughing for all the wrong reasons. It happens. ]]>

The life of a movie star can be a complicated one. One day you’re beloved by everyone and the next you’re hopping on a couch in front of a terrified Oprah and nobody can watch any of your movies anymore without laughing for all the wrong reasons. It happens. All too often. Hence, this list. Some of the actors and actresses on this list have lost whatever credibility they had simply because it’s become clear to everybody that they are as good an actor as Helen Keller was an opera singer. Still others have lost all semblance of credibility because their private lives have become so weird and/or ridiculous that it’s become impossible to watch them without thinking of how stupid the whole damn thing has gotten. Whatever the reason, the one thing all of these seven actors and actresses have in common is that none of them have any credibility left.

7 Steven Seagal
Granted, Steven Seagal has always been pretty ridiculous. Once upon a time, that was part of his charm. But there is the kind of ridiculous that makes people cheer for you while you’re snapping the arm of Tommy Lee Jones or sparring with Gary Busey on a giant battleship and then there is the kind of ridiculous that makes people wonder if you’re legitimately insane because you’re wandering around in a giant dashiki sexually harassing costars a third of your age or fighting pit bulls and crackheads on some shitty reality show. And sadly for Steven Seagal, he crossed the line separating those two shades of ridiculousness a long time ago. Today, if you see his name attached to anything – movie, TV show, a string of misguided and discontinued sex toys – you can be assured that the only thing you’ll want to see snapped is your own neck so you don’t have to spend all your time being tortured by Seagal being, well, Steven Seagal.

6 Kevin Costner
I know it’s hard to believe but once upon a time Kevin Costner was one of the biggest movie stars in the world. It’s true. Following the success of Dances With Wolves and the epic success of his ridiculous version of Robin Hood, it seemed like Costner could do no wrong. Well, other than try to speak with an English accent, but people seemed willing to let that slide. Then came Waterworld. Then The Postman. And then? Well, suddenly the fact that Costner couldn’t really act was a little more difficult to overlook. I mean, seriously, when’s the last time that Costner even showed up in anything the least bit noteworthy? As a leading man, his credibility is not only gone it’s been obliterated and then pissed on by a gang of diseased goats. At best he’s a character actor now, which wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that, again, the dude really can’t act. So what’s left? For Costner, I guess all that’s left is sitting in a dark room, drunk, watching Bull Durham over and over again and wondering where it all went wrong. Either that, or swimming in a pile full of money like Scrooge McDuck. So, yeah, we shouldn’t feel bad for Costner. Feel bad for me. I’ve actually watched both Waterworld and The Postman, which I’m pretty sure means that Veteran’s Day was my holiday.

5 Nicolas Cage
Poor Nicolas Cage is a victim of a combination of factors which have sunk the last vestiges of his credibility. First of all, his tendency to overact his ass off has left him a caricature of himself, a manic weirdo who chews so much scenery that even Al Pacino thinks he needs to calm down. Second, the dude has picked some astoundingly awful movies to star in. If you don’t believe me, here is the list of movies that he has starred in over the last decade:

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Christmas Carol: The Movie, Windtalkers, Sonny, Adaptation (the one truly good movie in the whole damn decade), Matchstick Men, National Treasure, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The Ant Bully, World Trade Center, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, a cameo in Grindhouse, Next, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Bangkok Dangerous, Knowing, G-Force, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, Astro Boy, Kick-Ass, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Season of the Witch, Drive Angry, Seeking Justice, and Trespass.

Jesus! Other than Adaptation, and a handful of half-decent dramas and modest hits, the only movies that Nicolas Cage has starred in over the last decade have been Gigli level bombs or shitty popcorn flicks for Disney. This dude once won an Oscar! Just look at that list again. I shouldn’t even have to continue. But I will, since I’m a professional. Aside from his hilariously awful career choices, the dude’s public image has also been ruined by the fact that he’s, well, weird as hell, he gives his kids dumb comic book names and he’s wasted all of his money on crazy shit like gold plated mustache combs and locks of hair from the original Superman actor. I’m not sure if either of those are actually true, but they might as well be. And to top it all off, now his adult son is running around karate kicking lampposts and getting the shit beaten out of him on the sidewalk by everyone from his personal trainer to his own wife. Add everything I just wrote up and it’s no wonder that everyone laughs when they see Nicolas Cage and his flyaway hair pop up on the big screen.

4 George Lucas
Okay, technically George Lucas isn’t an actor but he still belongs on this list because let’s face it, whenever the dude’s name pops up on the big screen, it either elicits one of two reactions: either there is a sense of excited awe coming from true believer nerd types who refuse to admit that George Lucas has spent the better part of the last decade and a half bending them over and extracting money from their asses like they were some kind of demented ATM machines, or there is barely suppressed laughter and derisive groans from everyone else. This is because Lucas just can’t leave well enough alone and in his endless pursuit for technological perfection (aka money) he has subjected us to everything from Jar-Jar Binks to recut after recut of Star Wars, just because he feels like you should pay another twenty bucks to see nipples on the Ewoks this time or Jabba sing show tunes. His utter willingness to market complete crap has become so obvious and so ridiculous that no one can take him seriously anymore, and so when his name pops up in a trailer, rather than movie magic, the only thing most people are picturing is a giant Jar-Jar Binks gibbering at them like some nightmare from hell. And that’s why he’s on this list.

3 Lindsay Lohan
Come on, just look at the picture. That’s her trying to look good for a court appearance. I’ve seen meth heads that can pull it together better than that. It’s gotten so bad that reportedly after her Playboy shoot, Hugh Hefner looked at the pictures and basically said “Uh, I think we need a do over here,” and that dude is so old, senile and horny that he’d probably try to bone Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse. To put it another way: Lindsay Lohan is too strung out and beaten up for porn. I don’t need to say anything else, do I?

2 Mel Gibson
There is probably not another movie star more toxic than Mel Gibson right now. This is what happens when you go on an epic bender that sees you repeatedly insult Jews, sexually harass a friggin’ police officer, slap around your baby mama and the baby, demand blow jobs from said slapped around baby mama and then threaten arson. I know that sounds wildly implausible and completely outrageous but for Mel Gibson, that’s just his normal Thursday routine at this point. And everybody knows it. If they made another Lethal Weapon movie I’d be terrified that he’d start making racist comments towards Danny Glover and then would set him on fire, ranting and raving about blow jobs the whole time. Look, I just don’t want to risk a scene which sees Riggs accuse Joe Pesci of killing Jesus before freaking out and punching one of Murtaugh’s kids because they ran out of vodka on the set. And I think I’m not alone in this and that’s why Mel Gibson is so high on this list.

1 Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise isn’t as toxic as Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson, and he can still at least get movies made, so why is he number one on this list? Because he has the unique fortune to not only be responsible for destroying his own credibility with his off the deep end couch jumping Xenu gibbering weirdness, he also destroyed the credibility of Katie Holmes. No matter how ridiculous things have gotten for the other actors on this list at least none of them dragged another actor’s career with them completely into the abyss like Cruise did with poor Katie’s career. Everyone forgets but just prior to her relationship with Cruise, Katie Holmes was starring in the massively successful Batman Begins. A few well-executed couch jumps and an endless array of vacant what the hell happened to me looks on her face later and she’s been reduced to making her comeback in a movie opposite Adam Sandler in drag. As for Cruise himself, well, since he went completely off the deep end, he’s really only had one well received role – as a completely psychotic nutjob of a movie executive in Tropic Thunder. In other words, the only role that people will buy Cruise in anymore is as someone who is completely fucking crazy. That’s not a coincidence. For that, and for completely ruining the credibility of his own wife, Tom Cruise has earned the number one spot on this list. Congrats, Tom. Now please don’t sue me or send a team of lawyers high on Xenu blood to rough me up and pick through my trash looking for ways to ruin my life. Thanks, pal, you’re a peach.

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you.

The Canucks penalty box boob flasher

It’s not often you’re rewarded when you make a trip to the ]]>

Inevitably, during your busy work week, there are videos you probably missed on Guyism. But don’t fret, we’ve compiled some of the best in one post for you.

The Canucks penalty box boob flasher

It’s not often you’re rewarded when you make a trip to the penalty box. But Ben Eager of the San Jose Sharks was treated to a buxom Canucks fan pressing her pierced boobs against the glass.

Message board poster holds ‘presser’ to address rumors

DannyBoyCane13 from CanesTime.com — held an Internet press conference to address some rumors that have circulated on the message board about his life.

Man proposes to girlfriend with trailer

Some guy named Matt used a screening of “Fast Five” to propose to his lady, Ginny, with a self-made trailer of himself asking her father to marry him. The result is adorable.

Botaoshi, the amazing Japanese game of pole pull-down

Yes it is the greatest game of all-time. And yes, it does seem like “extreme Red Rover with poles.”

As far as I can tell, the rules are 1) pull the other team’s pole down and 2) don’t get killed.

Guys play the piano with their dongs

Have you ever wondered what it would look like for two men to play piano with their penises and, specifically, what that might sound like? Well this clip from one of those random foreign talent shows shows two men doing just that and, obviously, it’s beautiful music.

Father-daughter dance ends in embarrassing fall

The father-daughter dance during a wedding is one of those things that, regardless of how emotionless you may be, stirs a little something in your heart. So it’s equally touching to watch it be somewhat ruined by a bit of overzealous movement on the father’s part, knocking the both of them to the floor.

Newt Gingrich gets glittered by pro-gay activist

It seems silly that in the year 2011 that someone considered a viable presidential candidate could hold an anti-gay rally, but Newt Gingrich attempted to do just that yesterday in Minneapolis. Fortunately, a brave gay crusader was there to show him the error of his ways..by dousing him in glitter.

Reporter hit by sprinkler during live shot

Are you a young journalism student looking for advice on how to carry yourself like a professional? Look no further than Steve Kuzj of ABC’s Phoenix affiliate who barely bats an eyelash when he gets caught in the middle of sprinklers during a live report.

Steven Seagal tells MMA fighter Lyoto Machida: “I don’t care if you kill him”

Watch as Steven Seagal tells Lyoto Machida to “use your mind, I don’t care if you kill him. I don’t care. You f%&k him up. You take him out”. Serious stuff from a very serious man.

Guy in “Batman beatdown on Vegas strip” video blames his cape

This week, Fox News’s “America Live” caught up with the man dressed like Batman in the video for his side. And he says that not only does he have two black belts, but that it was the cape’s fault the fight ended like it did.

When Steven Seagal isn’t starring in blockbuster films like Born to Raise Hell or driving police tanks to bust up a cockfight, he trains MMA fighters. Surprisingly, he’s had a lot of success with Lyoto Machida and Anderson Silva. If you recall, just ]]>

When Steven Seagal isn’t starring in blockbuster films like Born to Raise Hell or driving police tanks to bust up a cockfight, he trains MMA fighters. Surprisingly, he’s had a lot of success with Lyoto Machida and Anderson Silva. If you recall, just a few weeks ago, Machida knocked out Randy Couture with a crane kick that he credited Seagal with teaching him. Silva famously drilled Belfort earlier this year with a front kick that didn’t look menacing, but ultimately caught the fighter off-guard.

And now we have yet another in-depth look at Seagal’s coaching style. Watch as he tells Lyoto Machida to “use your mind, I don’t care if you kill him. I don’t care. You f%&k him up. You take him out”. Serious stuff from a very serious man.

Video via Cage Potato (language NSFW):

Like Samson, a lot of celebrities seem to think that they get their power through their hair. That’s why Britney Spears shaving her head was such a big deal. It made her too weak to fight off the devil’s hordes, who invaded her unprotected brain and forced her to ]]>

Like Samson, a lot of celebrities seem to think that they get their power through their hair. That’s why Britney Spears shaving her head was such a big deal. It made her too weak to fight off the devil’s hordes, who invaded her unprotected brain and forced her to become addicted to Cheetos and sadness. So you can see why a lot of celebrities go to extreme lengths to hide their hair loss. Without wigs made from horse hair or transplants taken from executed prisoners celebs would be vulnerable to the devil’s charms and would be unable to fulfill their Biblical duties. That’s why it wouldn’t be surprising to read about Bret Michaels or Burt Reynolds shaving the head of some poor person in the street and then pasting the locks on their own deprived heads. It’s a Holy War and these things happen.

Of course, some celebs –- men like Bruce Willis or Sean Connery -– accept their natural state and seem all the more badass for it. But that’s not who this list is devoted to. No. This list is devoted to those poor brave holy warriors who, no matter how hard they try, seem to be losing the fight.

12 Quentin Tarantino
Poor Quentin seems like the type of dude who wants to have the big Elvis hair-do. Unfortunately for Quentin, he does have Elvis’ hair –- only it’s the Elvis who’s been dead for over 30 years.

11 Steven Seagal
Steven Seagal was clearly losing the battle to save his hair around the time he was dating Kelly LeBrock and making the movie Hard to Kill. Something tells me that whatever dead animal he’s been stapling to his head for the last couple of decades hasn’t been so hard to kill since it seems like he’s made it his personal mission to keep a fresh supply of them on hand (or on head) at all times.

10 Hulk Hogan
Everyone knows the Hulkster lost his greatest fight years ago, but to his credit, the stringy little mess/giant bald spot has almost become his trademark. After all, just think about it. Could you even imagine Hulk Hogan with a full head of hair or without those blond stragglers in the back who look like they’re desperate survivors constantly trying to escape from the Titanic-sized disaster he’s got going on up there? Me neither.

9 Fred Durst
Well, at least we know why Fred always wore that stupid hat. Then again, poor Fred has bigger issues to worry about other than going bald, starting with the fact that he is Fred Durst.

8 Hugh Laurie
Apparently, poor Dr. House’s hair has been consumed by Lupus. This picture sadly highlights the paradoxical nature of Hugh Laurie. In our hearts, he is an acid tongued rebel who would conquer a case of male pattern baldness like it was a mild cold but in our brains we know that the good doctor is really just a worn down old Englishman who probably just wants a nice spot of tea while watching the telly before drifting off into a depressed sleep every night where he dreams of having hair… and Lupus. Probably.

7 Brendan Fraser
Jesus! What the hell is going on up there? Damn. That looks like my lawn after I forget to water the grass. Oh well, it could be worse. I mean, he could be starring in crap like Furry Vengeance. Oh… oh, I see.

6 Jude Law
I have to give Jude Law some credit because he seems to be fully embracing the inevitable. Another man might just do the smart thing and shave off whatever’s left, but Jude is an Englishman and he’s apparently chosen to do the English thing and suffer this indignity with a stiff upper lip. Then again, maybe the plot of the next Sherlock Holmes movie should be Holmes trying to figure out the mystery of what in the hell happened to Watson’s hair.

5 Jeremy Piven
Oh, Jeremy Piven. Nobody’s hairline changes back and forth like Ari Gold’s. Seriously, the dude’s hair seems to ebb and flow like the tides. Go back and watch anything with Jeremy Piven in it from the ‘90s and then watch something with him in it now. It’s a miracle! Well, if hair plugs are a miracle anyway.

4 Nicolas Cage
Nobody ever knows what in the hell is going on with Nicolas Cage’s hair. I don’t think he even knows. I think he just wakes up, looks in the mirror and hopes and prays that it won’t look like his skull is being attacked by an angry bat. Then again, Nicolas Cage is an artist (Let’s not forget his award winning work in Con-Air.) and perhaps he sees his head as a living exhibit of some sort. Who knows? Look, I’m just trying to help the guy out here.

3 Amy Winehouse
Uh, don’t do crack. Unless of course you’re Charlie Sheen and your body is filled with tiger blood. Then again, I’m pretty sure Amy Winehouse has probably injected tiger blood at some point. Maybe she can inject Miracle Grow next to cover up that bald spot.

2 Prince William
Isn’t this dude a little young to be going bald already? Damn. I guess the Prince Charles genes finally overwhelmed the Princess Di genes here. I’m guessing not a lot of British girls have his poster on the wall anymore. Well, except for the ones who think that premature baldness and inbreeding are hot anyway, which are probably more than you’d think. They are Brits after all.

1 John Travolta
And finally, we come to John Travolta, the king of ashamed bald celebrities. There is not one picture out there in which Travolta’s hair looks the same as it does in any other picture. It’s astounding. Either the dude was granted the power to magically regrow hair whenever he needed to by L. Ron Hubbard or he’s been going bald for years and is too vain to admit it. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible that Xenu taps him with a magic wand or whatever and the hair just sprouts up, but if that’s the case then ol’ Xenu’s been a little too busy for Travolta lately. Look, I don’t know what in the hell the dude really believes but maybe he should start praying to Sy Sperling and the Church of the Hair Club for Men.

Steven Seagal, well-known for his Oscar worthy performance in “Under Siege” took some time out of his busy schedule to train UFC fighter Anderson Silva.

As a friendly warning, please note that the video contains a rather pudgy man performing martial arts.

I feel ]]>

Steven Seagal, well-known for his Oscar worthy performance in “Under Siege” took some time out of his busy schedule to train UFC fighter Anderson Silva.

As a friendly warning, please note that the video contains a rather pudgy man performing martial arts.

I feel sorry for the generation of young men and women who were deprived of solid Steven Seagal movies. Masterpieces like “Out for Justice” and “Executive Decision” were pivotal in shaping a new genre of great acting in martial arts films. His ability to knock out unsuspecting movie bad guys would make Jean-Claude Van Damme jealous.

As for Silva, considering his bizarre antics at UFC 112, I guess nothing he does is really surprising. And in the end, having a Hollywood actor as respected as Seagal in your corner can only help his career.

Consider Your Minds Blown; Anderson Silva Training With Steven Seagal for Sonnen Fight and Chael Couldn’t Care Less {Cage Potato}

SPOILER WARNING: All films on the list are at least four years-old, so be warned of spoilers if you are seriously way behind on your movies.

A lot of big names also come with big egos, so agreeing to do a film in which they barely have a ]]>

SPOILER WARNING: All films on the list are at least four years-old, so be warned of spoilers if you are seriously way behind on your movies.

A lot of big names also come with big egos, so agreeing to do a film in which they barely have a part in is a rarity. That’s why a shocking death of a big name celebrity early in a film is always entertaining. There are a lot of similar “Best Death Scene” lists out there, so here are the criteria for this one:

1. The death has to come at sometime during the first half of the film. (Everyone’s willing to die at the end of movies)
2. The death has to be a big name celebrity or someone who was one when the film was released. (Not an actor whose career took off after the film came out)
3. The death has to be over the top and entertaining. (No one goes to a movie to watch someone die peacefully in his or her sleep)
4. The character cannot reappear throughout the film as a ghost. (Sorry, Patrick Swayze)
5. Sequels don’t count. (Lots of big names are killed in sequels)

7 Janet Leigh in Psycho (1960)
The original shocker. Alfred Hitchcock’s decision to have this leading lady knocked off early on in the film was absolutely unheard of back in 1960. Hitchcock has given us endless classic film moments, but this is easily one of the most memorable scenes in the history of film.

6 Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Definitely not one of the better movies on this list. However, having Sam Jackson’s inspirational speech cut short by being completely devoured by a genetically altered mutant CGI shark is pure entertainment. Little did we know that eventually Snakes on a Plane would come along and make Deep Blue Sea look like an Academy Award winner.

5 Steven Seagal in Executive Decision (1996)
As much as we hate to admit it now, Steven Seagal was once a hot commodity in the action film community. Fresh off a slew of successful action films, Seagal’s name was used heavily in promotion for Executive Decision. Seagal played a commander of an elite team attempting to intercept a hijacked 747. Early in the film, he sacrifices himself so the mission could carry on. It’s too bad he couldn’t do the same in real life before he made that reality show of his.

4 John Travolta in Pulp Fiction (1994)
This one isn’t exactly in the first half of the film, but the film is shown out of sequence…so, I’m going to let it slide since we don’t actually know where it’s supposed to be in the actual timeline of the film. Plus, it’s always really enjoyable to watch John McClane completely blow Vinnie Barbarino away.

3 Ben Affleck in Smokin’ Aces (2006)
In a perfect world, Ben Affleck would be killed early in any movie he’s in. It would be only fair since he’s single-handedly responsible for the death of many other films. Nevertheless, whether we like it or not, Affleck is a big name. So, when he and his crew were taken out by Chris Pine and Co. (without evening getting a chance at knocking off Jeremy Piven), it was pretty awesome. The scene between Pine and a dead Affleck (starting at the 1:27 mark) is easily the best acting Affleck’s ever done.

2 James Earl Jones in The Lion King (1994)
Leaving children everywhere traumatized was the surprisingly graphic death of Mufasa in The Lion King. Parents thoroughly enjoyed having to explain to their kids why one family member would want to kill another. Yes…I’m aware he reappears later in the film for a minute or two as a deep-voiced talking cloud of wisdom, but other than that, James Earl Jones doesn’t get much screen (or voice) time. Which is surprising since three words out of James Earl Jones’ mouth are worth more than your house. Another big name…taking one for the team.

1 Drew Barrymore in Scream (1996)
A sort of tribute to Janet Leigh in Psycho. Barrymore was touted as one of the stars of this film. They even promoted the film with a poster of her face and listing her as one of the stars. She is only in the film for the first 12 minutes or so, but it still stands as one of the most chilling sequences in film history. Almost as terrifying as that romantic comedy she did with Hugh Grant.

Listen up all you warlords, drug smugglers and golfers (I assume that’s pretty much everyone reading), Colombian designer Miguel Caballero has designed the perfect summer fashion statement for you. You will never again have to be embarrassed during those military coups at your local country club.

Sure we all know Jean-Claude Van Damme from such blockbusters as Street Fighter: The Movie and Double Impact, but few know that when the Cannes Film Festival rolls around each year, Van Damme brings out the crazy in spades. He apparently goes to drink wine and fight, and you can ]]>

Sure we all know Jean-Claude Van Damme from such blockbusters as Street Fighter: The Movie and Double Impact, but few know that when the Cannes Film Festival rolls around each year, Van Damme brings out the crazy in spades. He apparently goes to drink wine and fight, and you can see why he’s all out of wine…

He was the in the original Kickboxer movie, but few people realize that Van Damme’s life mirrors his on-screen persona. Throughout the years the dude has gotten into off-screen fights with other martial arts and action stars such as Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren. He’s known for his oft-erratic behavior and uber aggressiveness; nowhere else does this behavior come to light quite like it does when the actor is in Cannes.

OK, that last one wasn’t at Cannes. But I figured I gave him such a hard time that I’d show you all his best work and let you know that I want to party with Van Damme in Cannes. Together we can take down “The Russian” and show Seagal who’s really Under Siege. Call me!

]]> http://guyism.com/celebrities/van-damme-at-cannes-a-crazy-person-video-retrospective.html/feed 1 http://guyism.com/celebrities/this-week-in-celebrity-gossip-tara-reid-back-on-the-loose.html http://guyism.com/celebrities/this-week-in-celebrity-gossip-tara-reid-back-on-the-loose.html#comments Sat, 24 Apr 2010 16:00:58 +0000 Douglas Charles http://guyism.com/?p=52157 Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Get ready boys, Tara Reid is back on the open market. Tara and Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann have broken off their engagement. My guess is he got cold feet. Not about getting married though, but about ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Get ready boys, Tara Reid is back on the open market. Tara and Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann have broken off their engagement. My guess is he got cold feet. Not about getting married though, but about facing the reality that he’d have to spend the rest of his life looking at her (non-Photoshopped) stomach. Good move, Mike.

Remember last week when I reported that Lindsay Lohan skipped her court date to go shopping? Yeah, well, LiLo missed her court date again. This she says it’s because she couldn’t get a ride (she’s not allowed to drive as a condition of her probation). And since we all know there aren’t any taxis or limos (or other friends) in Hollywood, there was no way she could make it to court.

Oh well, it’s not like Lindsay Lohan’s dad tried to break into her apartment trying to have her arrested or anything. What’s that? That did happen? Of course it did.

Wellll, at leeeast she hasn’t been named a suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex. Oh man, she has? Lindsay’s life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

LiLo isn’t the only one with daddy issues. It seems that Britney Spears’ dad has had enough of Brit-Brit running around without a bra showing off her pokies, so he has banned her from leaving the house without a bra. Great. Now we have NO reason to care about her anymore.

And remember last week when I told you that Kate Hudson got breast implants? Well, that may or may not be the case. Many in the press are speculating that based on these photos she is actually pregnant. Personally I don’t see it. For one thing, someone would have had to had sex with her, and since I didn’t read about it on Twitter then it didn’t happen. That’s how the world works now, right?

The news for Steven Seagal just keeps getting better. Two more women have come forward to claim they were sexually harassed by Mr. Seagal and one of them is Ray Charles’ granddaughter Blair Robinson. I know what you’re going to say. You didn’t see that one coming. At least Steve’s ex-wife, Kelly Le Brock isn’t getting ready to spill the beans in a book or anything. What’s that? She is? Uh oh.

Not all deviant sexual activity ends up with negative results though. Just ask Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. McGee got a gig to sign autographs, pose for photos and dance topless at Vegas’s Deja Vu Showgirls club. Her payment? In the $5,000 range. See girls? It pays well these days to be a homewrecking, tattooed stripper.

In other celebrity legal news, Heather Locklear was arrested for hit and run last Saturday for running over a No Parking sign. Seriously. At least this time there were no reports of her driving under the influence. Progress!

In shocking news, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are dropping the sexual harassment charges I reported to you last week. It may have something to do with this statement by an MTV, “We have looked into this matter and the allegations made against Adam DiVello are completely false and without merit.” Again, shocking.

Remember when Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron got arrested for drugs and other assorted criminal activity? Well, he just got sentenced to five years in the slam. Which isn’t bad considering the mandatory minimum sentence for his crimes is 10 years. Yes, you read that right. He got less than the “mandatory” minimum. Oh to be a celebrity relative.

In Kick-Ass news, one of the stars of the flick, 19 year-old Aaron Johnson, knocked up his girlfriend. Did I mention that his girlfriend is 42 year-old divorced director Sam Taylor-Wood? Knocking up a 42 year-old? Does that qualify as kick-ass?

In rare GOOD news, Jennifer Carpenter, the wife of Michael C. Hall, says the Dexter star is “fully recovered” from cancer and has returned to work. I know… good celebrity news? WTF is wrong with me?

And finally, it seems that George Lopez isn’t all that thrilled to have Conan O’Brien bumping him back an hour on TBS. Because, you know, having a great lead-in to a show that no one previously even knew was on the air is a bad thing?

]]> http://guyism.com/celebrities/this-week-in-celebrity-gossip-tara-reid-back-on-the-loose.html/feed 2 reid 002 Britney Spears nips heather-locklear-mugshot More Sexy Goodness Header emanuelle_chriqui_black_dress_pic hot_girls_engaged_in_geeky_activities_25 kate beckinsale gym forearm_bra_7 http://guyism.com/humor/steven-seagal-alleged-rapist-and-owner-of-247-russian-sex-slaves.html http://guyism.com/humor/steven-seagal-alleged-rapist-and-owner-of-247-russian-sex-slaves.html#comments Tue, 13 Apr 2010 14:46:58 +0000 Chris Spags http://guyism.com/?p=50230

Reports out today indicate that slow-motion martial artist Steven Seagal is being sued for sexual assault and trafficking of women for the sex trade. According to his former assistant, 23-year-old model Kayden Nguyen, Seagal “had been keeping two young female Russian ‘Attendants’ on staff who were available for his sexual ]]>

Reports out today indicate that slow-motion martial artist Steven Seagal is being sued for sexual assault and trafficking of women for the sex trade. According to his former assistant, 23-year-old model Kayden Nguyen, Seagal “had been keeping two young female Russian ‘Attendants’ on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” Looks like he thought he was “Above the Law”! EH? EH?

After this photo was taken, that poor panda couldn’t sit down for a week.

TMZ reports:

Nguyen alleges in her suit, one of the ‘Attendants’ had recently quit and it was this job — not executive assistant — Seagal intended her to fill.

Nguyen claims the very first night on the job, Seagal treated her “as his sex toy.” Nguyen says in the lawsuit Seagal, pushed his hands under her skirt, tried fondling her breasts and forced his hand down her pants.

Nguyen says the next day Seagal did it again, sexually assaulting her and forcing her to consume illegal pills. And she says there were other sexual assaults that followed.

According to the suit, Seagal said, “My wife wouldn’t mind if you and I had a sexual relationship.”

I hope the good people of the Jefferson County, Louisiana town that Steven Seagal protected in his reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman,” don’t find out about this. Their lives would be rocked knowing that a local hero such as Mr. Seagal is being accused of such heinous crimes.

While I don’t know Ms. Nguyen, I can’t say that I’m 100% sure her claims are legit. I’ve seen Steven Seagal’s movies. If he tried to put his hand down your pants, you’d literally have five minutes to get away. You’re more likely to get sexually assaulted by a glacier than you are Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal Sued for Sexual Assault, Trafficking [TMZ]
Previously: Steven Seagal runs like a bitch [Guyism]

]]> http://guyism.com/humor/steven-seagal-alleged-rapist-and-owner-of-247-russian-sex-slaves.html/feed 3 steven-seagal-rapes-a-panda http://guyism.com/entertainment/movies/the-daughter-from-taken-runs-like-a-tard.html http://guyism.com/entertainment/movies/the-daughter-from-taken-runs-like-a-tard.html#comments Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:50:26 +0000 Chris Spags http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=10441

Maggie Grace is a pretty hot chick and Taken, with Liam Neeson, was a pretty good movie. But one overly distracting thing in the movie was the way Maggie Grace ran in the film. To compare her running style to a retarded person is probably extremely insulting ]]>

Maggie Grace is a pretty hot chick and Taken, with Liam Neeson, was a pretty good movie. But one overly distracting thing in the movie was the way Maggie Grace ran in the film. To compare her running style to a retarded person is probably extremely insulting to the disabled. Check out all the clips of her running in one convenient video after the jump.

She’s like a young Steven Seagal. With smaller breasts.

It’s kind of funny how being incompetent at sports or physical activities makes you devalued as a human being. Someone could trip over a hole in the sidewalk the size of an empty grave and, even though it’s totally not their fault, it instantly makes them completely worthless to everyone who witnessed it. That said, I’d still vigorously bone Maggie Grace. Mostly because her sloppy running style would make her infinitely more easy to catch.

[via]

]]> http://guyism.com/entertainment/movies/the-daughter-from-taken-runs-like-a-tard.html/feed 1 http://guyism.com/uncategorized/steven-seagal-cop-in-real-life.html http://guyism.com/uncategorized/steven-seagal-cop-in-real-life.html#comments Tue, 25 Aug 2009 19:10:55 +0000 Chris Spags http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=10409

A&E is unleashing a new “real life” series about Steven Seagal’s “actual work” as a “police officer” in between “movie roles.” According to the show, Seagal has been working as a deputy sheriff in his home town for 20 years and now he’s let this very private part of his ]]>

A&E is unleashing a new “real life” series about Steven Seagal’s “actual work” as a “police officer” in between “movie roles.” According to the show, Seagal has been working as a deputy sheriff in his home town for 20 years and now he’s let this very private part of his life hit the public eye in the new show Steven Seagal: Lawman. And Fatman, though that seems to be left out of the official title.

Now assuming Seagal is doing the work of a regular cop, this is pretty cool. But at the same time, I’d be a little concerned about Steven Seagal publicly representing my town’s police force. Cops have to do a lot to dispel stereotypes about their work, but to see Seagal fatly moving from the movie screen (or, more accurately, straight-to-DVD bargain bin at your local gas station) to saving the day isn’t going to do a whole lot to make people think that cops are uniquely qualified to protect us. You could pretty much build a Jello replica of Steven Seagal and it’d do the same quality of work. And have the same body density.

On the plus side, as seen at 0:49, there will be running. And as you may have seen here before, Steven Seagal looks awesome when he runs.

]]> http://guyism.com/uncategorized/steven-seagal-cop-in-real-life.html/feed 17 http://guyism.com/entertainment/movies/steven-seagal-runs-like-a-bitch.html http://guyism.com/entertainment/movies/steven-seagal-runs-like-a-bitch.html#comments Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:52:39 +0000 Chris Spags http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=5723

I’m not entirely sure why, but this may be the funniest video I’ve seen on the Internet in a while. Sure, you may not have thought of Steven Seagal in years…but check out the clip and you’ll have a whole new affinity for him.

The description of the video ]]>

I’m not entirely sure why, but this may be the funniest video I’ve seen on the Internet in a while. Sure, you may not have thought of Steven Seagal in years…but check out the clip and you’ll have a whole new affinity for him.

The description of the video on YouTube encapsulates it pretty nicely:

Steven Seagal doesn’t run a lot. This is presumably because running everywhere would not be very in-keeping with his established lethargic style. Sure Seagal is a bad Mother-F, trifle with him and he’ll be on you like a flannel, but all credibility goes straight out the window when he is forced to apprehend a trifler (or bad guy). His involuntary circular hand action (when running) is beyond ridiculous. Where some people say he has a “style of his own”, I prefer to say “he runs like a mincing homosexual”. Hopefully this video reflects my point. GO SEAGAL!

That guy is right. The only way Steven Seagal could run with more of a gay lilt would be if he were bleeding from the anus with a guy named Big Jorge running behind him. He runs like he’s trying to limply swat away miniature flies perpetually circling his torso. Not very badass at all, Mr. Seagal.

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