Some kid seems to be quite skilled at the computer version of Dance Dance Revolution (or some reasonable facsimile), up until the “monitor” causes him to “lose.” Take a look at his mature reaction (you can skip to 1:50).

This guy acting like a spoiled little boy is fun, ]]>

Some kid seems to be quite skilled at the computer version of Dance Dance Revolution (or some reasonable facsimile), up until the “monitor” causes him to “lose.” Take a look at his mature reaction (you can skip to 1:50).

This guy acting like a spoiled little boy is fun, sure. And if he could ever coerce an equally cool gal clad in braces and a Sailor Moon fetish back to his bachelor pad, I’m sure his serious rage issues wouldn’t creep up again. But my favorite part of the video by far is that this husky well-adjusted lad has taken a game which is at the heart meant to encourage physical activity is playing it using just buttons on his keyboard. Because let’s be honest, there’s no way with his level of physical fitness he was going to be able to stand around for 20 minutes, let alone shift his feet in a dancing motion. But on the plus side, his veallike physique would make him a perfect main course with a nice marsala. Mmmmm…whiny.

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Note: Updates are probably going to be a little slow today due to real life stuff. Feel free to refresh often or find yourself some new barely legal porn; the pigtails say “I’m in high school” but the meth habit says “I’m an adult woman fully capable of bad decisions.”

You may have heard before about the woman who married the Eiffel Tower. It’s an odd fetish called Objectum-Sexual (which doesn’t sound like such a good name), and here’s another less glamorous example…a woman who wants to f a rollercoaster.

Any love affair ]]>

You may have heard before about the woman who married the Eiffel Tower. It’s an odd fetish called Objectum-Sexual (which doesn’t sound like such a good name), and here’s another less glamorous example…a woman who wants to f a rollercoaster.

Any love affair has its ups and downs, but Amy Wolfe’s sex life is a rollercoaster.

She enjoys a ‘satisfying’ sexual relationship with a fairground ride – a ‘magic carpet’ themed ride named 1001 Nachts – and now plans to marry it.

The 33-year-old rides the machine 300 times a year and uses pictures of it to satisfy herself at home.

Ms Wolfe, from Pennsylvania, suffers from a condition where people develop sexual feelings towards objects.

I can kind of, in an extremely abstract way, understand falling in love with the Eiffel Tower; it’s beautiful, famous, powerful, a work of art. But a dingy Pennsylvania roller coaster isn’t even a triumph of carnival amusement. I’d be more inclined to get a hard-on on the Small World ride (and how! so many exotic 4-foot tall hotties!).

I think I’m more alarmed by the fact that she masturbates to photos of the roller coaster. Sure it’s curvaceous and seems like it was chiseled from steel. But pictures? What are you Amish? I’m pretty sure that you could make a sex tape with it and it wouldn’t object. You don’t even have to tell it that it’s being filmed, something that works less in practicality with a living person. I’m sorry ladies, but I require three camera shoots and a key grip for my sex tapes. Maybe you just need to be a little less discerning.

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This girl has all the brilliant ideas needed to save California’s economic problems. I could listen to her talk for…well, a couple minutes.

I didn’t know that the East Coast believes in slaves and I’m not sure why no one ever told me until this video. You mean I ]]>

This girl has all the brilliant ideas needed to save California’s economic problems. I could listen to her talk for…well, a couple minutes.

I didn’t know that the East Coast believes in slaves and I’m not sure why no one ever told me until this video. You mean I could have been owning people all this time and yet here I am, buying cotton balls in Duane Reade like an asshole.

Reason how I know I’m sexist: I saw this video and after about 10 seconds, I thought about sticking my face between her breasts and going “hrrrrrrrrrrr.” She’s not even hot, but I just felt like that was a logical reaction to her ideas. I’m terrified what I might do if I ever find myself in a NOW brainstorming session.

Everyone wants to have their silly viral video on the frontpage of Break.com or whatever but, sometimes, the best (read: briefly thought-out) laid plans turn south. Like pretending to get hit by a car.

Most people don’t know that windshields are so fragile, but they really are sometimes. I ]]>

Everyone wants to have their silly viral video on the frontpage of Break.com or whatever but, sometimes, the best (read: briefly thought-out) laid plans turn south. Like pretending to get hit by a car.

Most people don’t know that windshields are so fragile, but they really are sometimes. I learned this firsthand when I tried to make a similar video. Well, I guess it wasn’t totally similar since I was just drunkenly mowing down pedestrians like it was Grand Theft Auto. And I guess it wasn’t really “planned” since the “video” came from the parents who were filming the birthday party. Let it never be said that Chris the Clown, while volatile, doesn’t put on one hell of a show.

I don’t know about you, but if I ever get into a car chase, I’d like to be clad in a tuxedo, just to mess with people’s expectations. Because then there’s the other end of the spectrum, which is this Sacramento woman, sexily clad in her best bikini.

Mulleted, ]]>

I don’t know about you, but if I ever get into a car chase, I’d like to be clad in a tuxedo, just to mess with people’s expectations. Because then there’s the other end of the spectrum, which is this Sacramento woman, sexily clad in her best bikini.

Mulleted, tankini, pudgy, perpetually drunk-looking, and in a stationwagon with four flat tires. I’m pretty sure that’s the official dress code of white embarrassment. In fact, any one of those things should probably be enough to make you realize you’re on a path to self-destruction, but all five is basically like saying, “Fuck you, world, I gave up on pleasing you a long time ago.”

I bet being in a police chase is fun though. Especially if you go somewhere with a lot of ramps. In fact, if I ever get into seriously trouble with the cops and have to get away, I’m going to Merle’s Ramp Emporium. By which I mean I’ll be so stoned the f out of my mind that I’ll be passed out in the car on the side of the road almost immediately, envisioning a world of colorful ramps that talk and offer encouraging advice. Either way, those cops won’t know what hit ‘em.

When I was 8 years old, I dreamed of the day I’d be able to dunk a basketball. Soaring majestically towards the rim with my tongue out ala the Original #23; I would finally be like Mike. Six years and two feet of growth later, I finally lived my dream. ]]>

When I was 8 years old, I dreamed of the day I’d be able to dunk a basketball. Soaring majestically towards the rim with my tongue out ala the Original #23; I would finally be like Mike. Six years and two feet of growth later, I finally lived my dream. The kids in these videos decided they couldn’t wait that long and found a way to expedite the dunking process. Why wait to grow two feet, when you have a perfectly good roof to jump off of.

So what separates my dunking prowess and the dunking prowess of the kids in these videos?

The ability to walk without the use of crutches.

Really? What the hell are we teaching kids in school these days? Because watching this, I can safely assume it’s not physics. I’m truly concerned for the youth of America. I do enjoy the fact that they lay a single pink deckchair cushion out to lessen the blow of his fall. Immaculate planning always leads to shin shattering dunking. But you gotta admit, he just gets up and does it again; and we have to remember that it wasn’t brains that got America to where it was today, but the willingness to dust ourselves off and try again until we get it right…or simultaneously snap our fibulas.

I cannot stress this enough: When you find yourself on the roof in a game of basketball, you need to stop and look around because something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

First of all, one must remember that when playing the sport of basketball, a basketball isn’t simply an option, it’s an imperative. Otherwise you’re just jumping off the roof like a God damn moron.

If you notice in front of the garage, the ladder has been taken down, which is probably so the guy doesn’t pussy out and not jump off the roof. “Only one way down Chief, and that’s nuts to rim to ground.”

I give these kids credit though; they had the good sense to use two cameras in order to capture this monumental failure on tape. It’ll be totally worth it when they show him. Of course, he’ll have to come out of that coma first. A+ for production value. F- for execution.

What’s the difference between the owner of an above ground swimming pool owner and a below ground swimming pool owner? Answer: About 50 IQ points.

What’s dumber than 12 year olds jumping off the roof to dunk? When dad does it! But as one can clearly see, he has the good sense to do so into the pool. That’s a good note to all kids thinking about roof dunking at home: If you’re going to jump off the roof, at least do so into the pool. And if you listen closely in the video you can clearly hear a child say, “I want to jump off the roof.” That’s not just a great dunk–it’s also a great example of parenting you’re setting there, Oprah…

Something things you probably don’t want to be asking when you are getting ready to dunk a basketball are:

“Can you hear me?”
“Can you see me?”
“How about now?”
“No”
“OK, I’m gonna go for it.”

When getting ready to dunk a basketball, your dialogue should not mirror that of a Verizon commercial.

Ha ha ha. I’ve got a joke for you? What’s white and dumb and can’t sit down? The kid that broke his tailbone in this video! And his friend wasted no time hitting him directly in the face with another basketball! Ahh, I’ll never fully understand British humour.

FAIL.

OK, now you’re not even trying.

FINALLY! That was AWESOME. And into a below ground pool with more than 3 feet of water in it! You win, guy who 360 dunked off the roof. You are today’s winner of the gold medal of Roof Dunkification. Congratulations on your prize of not dying!

The lesson here is that roof dunking is simply Darwinism in action. And let me remind the people at home that you SHOULD NOT try this at home.

However, if you wanted a real challenge…

Written by new BOH contributor Shawn, whom you can follow on Twitter here. Show him some love if you like his work and, if you don’t, stop being such a dick.

Polar bears are known for being douchebags. They’re always starting fights in bars and making racist comments under their breath at inopportune times. So it should come as no shock that when a fat lady (brilliantly) decided to jump into their midst, they don’t handle it with much grace.

Polar bears are known for being douchebags. They’re always starting fights in bars and making racist comments under their breath at inopportune times. So it should come as no shock that when a fat lady (brilliantly) decided to jump into their midst, they don’t handle it with much grace.

The 32-year-old leapt over bars at Berlin Zoo during the bears’ feeding time yesterday.

Despite six zookeepers’ efforts to distract the four predators kept in the enclosure, the woman was bitten several times on her arms and legs.

It is not known why the woman pulled the dangerous stunt but she initially appeared to be elated as she swam towards a bear in the enclosure.

It is not easy to access the enclosure, which is surrounded by a fence, a line of prickly hedges and a wall.

Oh but this image (and several more at the Daily Mail) isn’t enough? Well, good news! Video!

It kind of sucks that the polar bears are totally going to get in trouble for this. You know what polar bears do? They eat things. Especially things with the muscle tone of a cattle at a meat farm that leap towards them. That’s pretty much breakfast in bed for a polar bear. You might as well get mad at me if you pass out somewhere within a 4 mile radius of my bed. Hey, if you didn’t want to wake up with me snoring in your ear and crusted baby Chrises on your stomach, then maybe one less shot of Patron would have been prudent.

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There’s a good chance that if you read this site, you consider yourself part of the more intelligent side of America (or, at the very least, consider yourself to be better than most people). Well, here’s proof that you are:

Sure, it’s easy to call these McCain-Palin supporters idiots. ]]>

There’s a good chance that if you read this site, you consider yourself part of the more intelligent side of America (or, at the very least, consider yourself to be better than most people). Well, here’s proof that you are:

Sure, it’s easy to call these McCain-Palin supporters idiots. It’s easy to call them mouthbreathers and racists and sheltered white people. It’s easy to call them one mere chromosome away from complete mental retardation. It’s easy.

Oh, I didn’t really have any follow-up for that, I just like things that are easy. That’s why your mom and I are such good friends. OH NOT LIKE THAT! I just meant she’s a great conversationalist.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears done got herself knocked up again. From the latest issue…

A source tells the publication, “Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical.

“Neither of them knows what to do, ]]>

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears done got herself knocked up again. From the latest issue…

A source tells the publication, “Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical.

“Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.

“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding.

“She’d expected to have her period by early September, but a home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out.

“Lynne was livid when she found out.”

Read that again…she thought she couldn’t get pregnant by breast-feeding. That’s like something a small child would think, how retarded is this girl? That’s like when I used to tell girls to click their heels twice after accidentally erupting inside of them. Sure, it didn’t work, but if you believe hard enough and close your eyes real tight, I’ll have enough time to run out of the apartment and never see you again. So I guess that’s the difference…my idea actually worked.

Man she must really love unprotected sex though. For a teenage girl to get knocked up immediately after popping one out, she’s got to have a strong hatred for latex. She may punch Trojanman every time in the face she sees him. It’s that strong that no mascot can stop this skin-on-skin menace.

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Have you heard of “freeganism”? It involves digging through trash for food and other assorted crap as a way of “sticking it to the man”. Presumably one coffee rind at a time.

“A lot of perfectly good food is thrown away,” says ]]>

Have you heard of “freeganism”? It involves digging through trash for food and other assorted crap as a way of “sticking it to the man”. Presumably one coffee rind at a time.

“A lot of perfectly good food is thrown away,” says Nelson, a spokeswoman for Freegan.info, a New York City group that promotes “freeganism,” which eschews conventional commerce in favor of a lifestyle that uses minimal resources.

Freegans try not to buy things new — not even food.

Jumping into a garbage bin may sound scary, but Nelson, 52, who lives in Brooklyn, says it’s no big deal. Humans, she says, are “hardwired to be foragers.”

If you go, she advises, bring a friend (in case the lid closes on you) and wear gloves to protect your hands from glass and other sharp objects. Ask your local police department first whether it’s OK — some cities have criminalized Dumpster diving. Don’t salvage things that need to be refrigerated or show traces of mold, and thoroughly wash any food you’ve taken from a Dumpster before consuming. It’s also a good idea to conduct a smell test of any food you may take; if it smells bad, it probably is spoiled and should be avoided.

Nelson says freeganism has nothing to do with income. She says many divers, herself included, have at least moderate incomes: “It’s really about boycotting the consumerist system.”

But not everything can be found in a Dumpster. Nelson admits that some things must be acquired the old-fashioned way: at the store. Like cooking oil — “You can never find enough of that.”

Yeah this is pretty cool. In fact, I refuse to buy into Big Condom’s “Only use packaged, correctly placed condoms” paranoia. Why can’t I get my condoms from the garbage bin around the corner? They’re already nice and stretchy (perfect for my extra large genitals) and come pre-lubricated! And the AIDS problem gives it a fun Russian Roulette-like quality!

I’m kind of sick of people pretending like they’re so disenfranchised by the man. I had a black friend who went to my fairly elite private high school then went to an extremely impressive Ivy League college and she would still bitch about how “whitey was holding her down”. It’s the same difference with these rich white douches digging through trash. Like you’re a rich white person. Stop bitching about capitalism. Fucking commies. I hope your dirty rotting banana is worth the fact that I want to kick you in your face. YOUR FACE.