When you’re a flight attendant, the first rule of the job should probably “Don’t store growing humans somewhere they could suffocate to death.” Unfortunately, this bit of common sense was lost on an Australian Virgin Blue employee. According to the Williamson family, the father Shayne was engaging their son, 17-month-old ]]>

When you’re a flight attendant, the first rule of the job should probably “Don’t store growing humans somewhere they could suffocate to death.” Unfortunately, this bit of common sense was lost on an Australian Virgin Blue employee.

Fat babies have to be checked in to fly under the plane on Virgin Blue.

“I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now,’” the mother Natalie told Melbourne’s Sunday Herald Sun.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated. I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”

The flight attendant was fired and the family was offered reimbursement for the full amount of two return flights. The family said they, and young Riley, are traumatized by the incident.

I certainly get that you can’t run through life shoving infants into cramped dark places. But it seems a bit dramatic to see the flight attendant being an ass as a life-ruiner for the 17-month-old kid. Yes, Riley was probably like, “Uh, why am I back in a random darkened cavern again” for a couple minutes. But then when he got out, he probably saw a cookie or something shiny and was like, “Holy shit! Look at that! I remember nothing else from the last twenty minutes because I’m a baby!” So seriously, cool out mama bear. Negligent and stupid? Sure. Something to worry about days or weeks later? Definitely not.

Tot ‘put in plane’s overhead locker’ [Courier Mail via SFgate]

This girl has all the brilliant ideas needed to save California’s economic problems. I could listen to her talk for…well, a couple minutes.

I didn’t know that the East Coast believes in slaves and I’m not sure why no one ever told me until this video. You mean I ]]>

This girl has all the brilliant ideas needed to save California’s economic problems. I could listen to her talk for…well, a couple minutes.

I didn’t know that the East Coast believes in slaves and I’m not sure why no one ever told me until this video. You mean I could have been owning people all this time and yet here I am, buying cotton balls in Duane Reade like an asshole.

Reason how I know I’m sexist: I saw this video and after about 10 seconds, I thought about sticking my face between her breasts and going “hrrrrrrrrrrr.” She’s not even hot, but I just felt like that was a logical reaction to her ideas. I’m terrified what I might do if I ever find myself in a NOW brainstorming session.

Everyone saw the latest Transformers movie since it’s pretty much the peak of what art can be in our modern film era. Some people didn’t take it for the brilliant work of fiction it was though, like this Chinese kid who drank gasoline to be like the Transformers.

Everyone saw the latest Transformers movie since it’s pretty much the peak of what art can be in our modern film era. Some people didn’t take it for the brilliant work of fiction it was though, like this Chinese kid who drank gasoline to be like the Transformers.

A 14-YEAR-OLD boy drank gasoline for five years to obtain “energy” – just as his idols “Bumble Bee” or “Optimus Prime” do in “Transformers,” the Sichuan-based West China Metropolis Daily reported yesterday.

After the boy, in Yibin City, southwest Sichuan Province, had watched the animated TV series, he began to drink gasoline to become a “valiant fighter” like “Optimus Prime,” his father told the newspaper.

“He began to drink gasoline five years ago, when we found he liked smelling lighter fuel,” he said.

“Since my son started to drink gas, his IQ has dropped sharply and now he can’t figure out simple addition and subtraction,” the father said.

“Before that, he was a very smart boy, and he could even repair the television. But now he does not know the answer of 7 plus 17.”

The worried parents finally took their son to hospital where they were told the boy had a mental disorder and a strong “gasoline dependence.”

It’d take a pretty dumb kid to drink gasoline the first time because the robots who have day jobs as cars did it on TV, but it’d take a much dumber kid to do it for five years. Or maybe he just knows something that we all don’t. People always make the argument about gas prices that, “WELL HEY, IT COSTS MORE FOR A GALLON OF PEPSI THAN IT DOES FOR A GALLON OF GAS HURR HURR” but maybe that’s just because the government doesn’t want us to know about the awesome powers that would come to us all if the food pyramid included 8 ounces of unleaded every morning. If this gasoline has the power to make an Asian kid incapable of math, who knows what kind of inverse powers it’d have? White guys jumping through the sky, Polish people creating submarines that function properly, black guys not hooking up with fat white chicks. This requires further research.

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Check out this dude mocking some guy talking about some dull post production crap. Then watch what happens as he attempts to saunter up the stairs for his getaway.

There is nothing worse in life than falling in public. You literally couldn’t organically do anything worse to make the ]]>

Check out this dude mocking some guy talking about some dull post production crap. Then watch what happens as he attempts to saunter up the stairs for his getaway.

There is nothing worse in life than falling in public. You literally couldn’t organically do anything worse to make the people around you see you as a worthless human being. Equally bad is when you stumble in front of someone, then try to break it into a jog. I used to do that, like “Oh hey yeah, just wanted to run for about 7 feet. All good now, got it out of my system.” But that’s just silly. So now if I ever stumble, I just smile, laugh, and pull my dick out and swing it like a helicopter. It makes the fall way less memorable.

A 13 year-old girl got impregnated during a trip to Egypt. Unfortunately, her mom is borderline retarded and thinks the girl got knocked up because of semen hanging out in the hotel swimming pool and is now suing the hotel.

A WOMAN is suing an Egyptian ]]>

A 13 year-old girl got impregnated during a trip to Egypt. Unfortunately, her mom is borderline retarded and thinks the girl got knocked up because of semen hanging out in the hotel swimming pool and is now suing the hotel.

A WOMAN is suing an Egyptian hotel claiming her daughter got pregnant – from using the swimming pool.
Magdalena Kwiatkowska’s 13-year-old returned to Poland from their holiday expecting a baby.

Magdalena believes the teenager conceived from stray sperm after taking a dip in the hotel’s mixed pool. She is now seeking compensation from the hotel.

A travel industry source said: “The mother is adamant that her daughter didn’t meet any boys while she was there.

“She is determined to go ahead with the case.”

Tourist authorities in Warsaw, Poland, have confirmed they received the bizarre complaint.

I think we all suspected it might, but it’s kind of sad when a news story basically reinforces all those jokes about how dumb Polish people are. I look forward to future in-depth reporting on the installation of screen doors on Polish submarines or the tragic death of a one-armed Polish man by falling from a tree since he was waving at someone.

Or perhaps, this actually did happen and semen somehow defied science and continued to live in a pool. In which case, it really pleases me to know that my years of taking trips to Egypt and masturbating into various hotel swimming pools has finally paid off. It’s a crazy fetish, I know, but this is a testament to what can happen when you truly set your mind on something. Keep hope alive!

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This is the Comfort Wipe, a new way to replace the archaic methods of using paper to remove feces from your hindquarters. See? Sounds silly when it’s written out, doesn’t it?

I know this video is supposed to seem crazy and ridiculous, but I don’t know man. We’ve been ]]>

This is the Comfort Wipe, a new way to replace the archaic methods of using paper to remove feces from your hindquarters. See? Sounds silly when it’s written out, doesn’t it?

I know this video is supposed to seem crazy and ridiculous, but I don’t know man. We’ve been using toilet paper for so long that I think people fear change. But it really doesn’t make sense how, when things get a little sticky, we just use the same pieces of paper. Like if you stepped in dog crap, would you just use printer paper to get it off? Or would you get some water on your shoes? Probably the latter right?

Anyway, this doesn’t really affect me as I stopped using toilet paper a long time ago. Your mother’s tongue is infinitely more effective. Additionally, she loves corn. That’s part of why I affectionately refer to her as The Jolly Green Giant. The other part? Well, remember how those cucumbers always weren’t in the vegetable crisper when you were growing up? Yeah. Salads shouldn’t taste like rotting trout.

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Generally speaking, as Dave Chappelle once noted, women have devalued the power of their cooches. But this chick who won’t kiss a man until marriage probably a bit too much.

When one Washington bride-to-be ties the knot this summer it will will be her first day sharing her life ]]>

Generally speaking, as Dave Chappelle once noted, women have devalued the power of their cooches. But this chick who won’t kiss a man until marriage probably a bit too much.

When one Washington bride-to-be ties the knot this summer it will will be her first day sharing her life and her kiss.

Rachel Welch, 21, says she decided at the age of 14 that she wasn’t going to kiss any guy until she was married, according to a report on WPTV.com..

She and Todd Ritter, her fiance who she met through their church youth group two years ago, show their affection by rubbing noses and giving hugs.

The couple got engaged last December and plan to wed in July.

If a woman had said that she wouldn’t kiss me until marriage, I’d probably think she was out of her f’ing mind. Women seriously have no sense of value. Like a lot of women save anal sex for marriage. Really? You’ll allow men to ejaculate all over the place on your body THAT GENERATES LIFE but then the special ones get to stick their penis inside the place that’s basically your body’s garbage dump. Oh what a treat.

Maybe it’s just that this guy has really bad breath. I don’t see any other reason why she won’t kiss him, but seems totally willing to give rimjobs.

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Smoking indoors tends to not be the best idea, particularly when you’re in a restaurant with a high likelihood of fires. Here’s an example.

I like the way how it’s sped up. It gives it a real sitcom quality, like these are madcap adventures of two fictional people, instead ]]>

Smoking indoors tends to not be the best idea, particularly when you’re in a restaurant with a high likelihood of fires. Here’s an example.

I like the way how it’s sped up. It gives it a real sitcom quality, like these are madcap adventures of two fictional people, instead of people who weren’t quite smart enough to get in DeVry and whose only sense of value comes from Subway’s insistence that they’re referred to as sandwich “Artists”.

Fortunately, I ordered my Italian BMT to be doused in filthy Subway water, so the order came out just how I liked it. Can’t get that type of treatment at a fancy restaurant like TGI Friday’s, I’ll tell you what.

Trucks seem to be crashing through stores with alarmingly frequent regularity lately. Check out this video of a truck almost smashing into an elderly woman.

In fairness, the elderly woman kind of had it coming. Maybe she shouldn’t be shopping so slowly and blocking my way so I can’t ]]>

Trucks seem to be crashing through stores with alarmingly frequent regularity lately. Check out this video of a truck almost smashing into an elderly woman.

In fairness, the elderly woman kind of had it coming. Maybe she shouldn’t be shopping so slowly and blocking my way so I can’t get my foooooood on. These Snickers and Funyons aren’t going to buy themselves, cobweb vagina.

Anyway, let this be a lesson: Feeding Grandma several dozen heavy duty magnets is probably not the best idea if you want her to live to see her next birthday. However if you want to cash in on your inheritance really quickly, maybe you need to feed her slightly more heavy duty magnets. A delicate balance, for sure.

Polar bears are known for being douchebags. They’re always starting fights in bars and making racist comments under their breath at inopportune times. So it should come as no shock that when a fat lady (brilliantly) decided to jump into their midst, they don’t handle it with much grace.

Polar bears are known for being douchebags. They’re always starting fights in bars and making racist comments under their breath at inopportune times. So it should come as no shock that when a fat lady (brilliantly) decided to jump into their midst, they don’t handle it with much grace.

The 32-year-old leapt over bars at Berlin Zoo during the bears’ feeding time yesterday.

Despite six zookeepers’ efforts to distract the four predators kept in the enclosure, the woman was bitten several times on her arms and legs.

It is not known why the woman pulled the dangerous stunt but she initially appeared to be elated as she swam towards a bear in the enclosure.

It is not easy to access the enclosure, which is surrounded by a fence, a line of prickly hedges and a wall.

Oh but this image (and several more at the Daily Mail) isn’t enough? Well, good news! Video!

It kind of sucks that the polar bears are totally going to get in trouble for this. You know what polar bears do? They eat things. Especially things with the muscle tone of a cattle at a meat farm that leap towards them. That’s pretty much breakfast in bed for a polar bear. You might as well get mad at me if you pass out somewhere within a 4 mile radius of my bed. Hey, if you didn’t want to wake up with me snoring in your ear and crusted baby Chrises on your stomach, then maybe one less shot of Patron would have been prudent.

[source]

When you’re a blond woman and you’re trying not to look like a dumb blond, you might want to avoid gluing your eye shut. Just a pro tip.

Paula, from Bournemouth, Dorset, said: “I was still really tired and I couldn’t see very well, so I stumbled into the bathroom ]]>

When you’re a blond woman and you’re trying not to look like a dumb blond, you might want to avoid gluing your eye shut. Just a pro tip.

Paula, from Bournemouth, Dorset, said: “I was still really tired and I couldn’t see very well, so I stumbled into the bathroom and picked the bottle off the shelf.

“As soon as I squeezed it, I knew something was wrong.

“I managed to stop it hitting the centre of the eye, and doctors told me later that it saved me from permanent damage.

“It was agonising. It was burning so much it was my natural instinct to shut my eye.

“But as soon as I did, my eyelashes stuck fast together and I couldn’t open my eye again.”

Miss Griffin, who also runs her own fancy dress business, said: “I would hate people to think I’m just some dumb blonde, because I’m not.”

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A woman in Florida got in trouble with the police for calling 911 three times because a McDonald’s employee would not refund her money due to the restaurant not having McNuggets. You can hear all three calls below.

[media id=5] [media id=6] [media id=7]

When cops responded to the restaurant, ]]>

A woman in Florida got in trouble with the police for calling 911 three times because a McDonald’s employee would not refund her money due to the restaurant not having McNuggets. You can hear all three calls below.

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.”

Goodman noted, “I called 911 because I couldn’t get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets,” according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report.

That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system.

Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, “this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency.

I enjoy food quite a bit. When you have a craving for something and you can’t get it, that sucks really bad. But maybe you can opt not to call the police when you can’t get your fried gelatinous chickenlike products. Now if they forget the honey mustard, that’s a completely different thing and I don’t blame you for prosecuting them to the fullest extents of the law. What am I going to use barbecue sauce LIKE A SAVAGE?!?

Also fill in the blank: Big shock that a ____er wouldn’t accept anything other than McNuggets. Answer: McDonald’s-lover! Oh your racism has failed you in riddle solving once again, just like the time the Times crossword puzzle said, “90% more likely to cause traffic accidents” and the answer was “TRUCK” as opposed to the slur for Chinese people you filled in.

[source]

There’s just something about KFC and nakedness. First a couple teenage girls strip down and bathe in a KFC sink and now a couple of employees were coerced into stripping down by a random phone caller.

A Hazmat call to a Manchester [New ]]>

There’s just something about KFC and nakedness. First a couple teenage girls strip down and bathe in a KFC sink and now a couple of employees were coerced into stripping down by a random phone caller.

A Hazmat call to a Manchester [New Hampshire] Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant was determined to have been sparked by a hoax call, police said.

Firefighters were called to the restaurant on Hooksett Road because employees reported eye and skin irritation from a fire extinguisher. When emergency crews arrived, they found three employees disrobed outside of the building.

The employees told police that the restaurant got a call from someone claiming to be from corporate headquarters who asked them to test their fire suppression system. When they did and reported that they had chemicals from the extinguisher on their clothes, the caller told them they needed to take their clothes off.

The workers said they became suspicious when the caller then told them to urinate on each other.

I could see how that might arise suspicions. Typically when someone tells you that you need to urinate on someone else, there should either be a jellyfish sting or an exceptional amount of cash involved. You do have to applaud the person on the phone for coming up with a clever way for making people to disrobe though. “There are chemicals in your building” should officially become the pick-up line for assertive perverts across the land.

Personally, I’m shocked that a couple of people working at KFC would be so gullible. I’m pretty sure they have pretty high standards of education there. Like did you know you have to be able to tell the difference between cooked and uncooked chicken? It’s like what the f am I, Jonas Salk?

[source]

I like funny stories. Fark gave me this funny story.

Most people want to get rid of their old phone books, but a Las Cruces woman has been indicted for fraud for allegedly keeping more than 100,000 directories.

Fifty-five-year-old Debra ]]>

I like funny stories. Fark gave me this funny story.

Most people want to get rid of their old phone books, but a Las Cruces woman has been indicted for fraud for allegedly keeping more than 100,000 directories.

Fifty-five-year-old Debra Gottrell is accused of storing the books in three Las Cruces storage units during a four-year period instead of delivering them as she was hired to do.

Court records show she was indicted July 31st by a Dona Ana County grand jury on a charge of fraud.

A telephone listing for Gottrell was unavailable. There is no explanation of why she allegedly took the phone books.

The stash of directories was discovered when a worker at one of the storage units contacted Gottrell’s employer, Directory Plus.

Directory Plus owner Hugh Riddle says his company lost an estimated $500,000 from the lost directories.

This story kind of sucks without an explanation of why someone would do this. Because why the f would someone do this? Stealing phone books, a free product that barely anyone wants and even less people actually use, just seems silly. They’re kind of heavy, take up a lot of space, and serve no real purpose unless you’re a destitute pig in need of a home to build that the big bad wolf might not be able to blow down.

Also phone books are such an antiquated idea now. You might as well steal cures for polio or apartheid.

What lengths would you go to save your dog? If you’re some slut who I don’t know in Minneapolis, you might bite the pit bull biting your dog.

Amy Rice feared for her dog’s life when a pit bull jumped over a fence ]]>

What lengths would you go to save your dog? If you’re some slut who I don’t know in Minneapolis, you might bite the pit bull biting your dog.

Amy Rice feared for her dog’s life when a pit bull jumped over a fence into her yard and attacked her pooch. So she took matters into her own mouth.

Rice says she bit the pit bull on the nose Friday after trying to pull the dog’s jaws off her Labrador retriever, Ella. The dog had jumped a fence to get into Rice’s northeast Minneapolis yard, and Rice says she feared the pit bull would kill Ella.

“I didn’t plan it, that’s what happened. I broke the skin and had pit bull blood in my mouth,” said Rice, 38. “I knew what happened, and I knew that it wasn’t good.”

The pit bull was quarantined Wednesday by Minneapolis Animal Control officers while rabies tests are being completed. Rice’s doctor will determine whether she needs shots for rabies.

“I was sure that my dog was dying in my arms; it was horrible,” Rice said.

She says the pit bull was attacking her dog, but I’m thinking this is a convenient way to get yourself a sweet dose of pit bull blood. Who hasn’t walked by a pit bull and thought “Oh man, I want to suck the life essence out of that little bastard”? Answer: No one. Pretty funny though that the pit bull is getting tested for rabies because Ann Rice bit it.

I dunno that I’d go biting dogs under any circumstance though. I’d rather my dog stop being a bitch and fight back. I guess I’d jerk off the pit bull if that meant it’d leave my dog alone though. That’s still a pretty big sacrifice on my part and would achieve the same effect. I’m not sure how the pit bull and I would come to terms though. And that’s why America needs to have just one language; there’s just too much of a disconnect.