Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Celebrities are idiots. This is proven every time Mel Gibson starts ranting and raving or any time Lindsay Lohan walks out of a store with a “borrowed” necklace or any time Charlie Sheen does, well, anything really. It’s also proven over and over and over again by the ridiculous tattoos they willingly pay to have painfully etched onto their bodies. Don’t get me wrong, tattoos are cool, but it’s not like the following celebrities are hardened prison badasses who can pull that kind of thing off. Well, besides Mike Tyson anyway. No, the following ten celebrity tattoos are just ten more pieces of evidence that celebrities tend to live in their own world, their own ridiculous, ridiculous world. So let’s make fun of them, shall we?

10 Fred Durst
Hey, it’s great that Fred Durst idolizes both Kurt Cobain and Elvis Presley. A lot of people do. But most people don’t decide to get the faces of their idols tattooed on their chest. But Fred Durst is a former tattoo artist and also kind of an idiot, so, hey, why not? The worst thing about this tattoo is that every time Fred Durst looks in the mirror he has to look at two faces staring back at him who actually have the one thing he so obviously lacks: talent. Why would he want to remind himself of that every day? Maybe he is just a masochist. Who knows?

9 Eve
What the hell are those paw prints even supposed to mean? Are they supposed to memorialize the time a raccoon crawled all over her chest or something? This one is just confusing which is what makes it so stupid. I guess she might have been trying to make some sort of statement about being a woman and being walked on or… look, I’m just trying to help her out here but let’s face it, there is absolutely no good reason for getting a tattoo of animal paws on your chest. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the Ten Commandments. You know, one of the minor ones? Thou shalt not get crappy animal paws tattooed on thy chest. It’s in the Bible. You can look it up if you don’t believe me.

8 Brock Lesnar
Uh, Brock, I hate to tell you this, but that sword on your chest? Yeah, it kind of looks like a penis. I’m guessing no one had that balls to tell Brock to his face when he decided to get this mistake slapped on his chest that it would just make it look like he was, uh, what’s the cleanest way I can put this? That he was, uh, making love to a disembodied penis with his pecs every time he moved. Really, I can’t talk any more about this without things getting outrageously dirty so let’s just move on.

7 Tom Arnold
Yeah, I’m guessing Tom Arnold wants a do over on this one. But who could have foreseen such a thing? Who could have known that one day he would regret getting the face of Roseanne friggin’ Barr tattooed on his chest? If my computer had a sarcasm button I would be mashing the hell out of that thing right now because the correct answer to those questions is everybody. Jesus, Tom, it wasn’t bad enough that you married her and had to sleep with her (which I’m guessing involved a wagonload of Wild Turkey, a lot of tears and the darkest room on the face of the earth) you had to tattoo that awful face on your chest too? I mean, come on, dude. Did you really need the money that badly? Then again, he’s Tom Arnold so maybe he just understood that this was the best he could do and he decided to memorialize it via the permanence of a tattoo. God, that’s a depressing thought. Great, now I just feel sad.

6 Hayden Panettiere
On first glance, Hayden’s tattoo seems like just another harmless albeit self-indulgent celebrity tattoo. On second glance, the tattoo, which reads Vivere senza rimipianti, Italian for “live without regrets”, is misspelled. Yup. Apparently, the tattoo artist slipped an extra “i” into the Italian word rimpianti, creating the gibberish word rimipianti, which I’m guessing is Italian for lolololol. Poor Hayden. I guess it’s a good thing her giant sloth of a boyfriend can’t read. Also, if he can read, I didn’t write that.

5 Brad Pitt
Oh, come on now. Is this thing real? Apparently it is. You would assume that this tattoo, nonsensical as it is, would have some sort of hidden meaning, like one of those Sanskrit or Kabbalah tattoos that are too complex for the tiny brains of simple folk to comprehend. I mean, after all, he is married to Angelina Jolie who would probably get a tattoo of a bear taking a dump in the woods if you told her it had some sort of hidden, mystical meaning. That assumption would be dumb enough. But that doesn’t even cover Pitt’s ridiculous tattoo. No, apparently, one night Angelina just decided to doodle a bunch of dumb crap on Brad’s back and, naturally, he decided to immortalize her adorable whimsy (there goes that sarcasm button again) by having a tattoo artist permanently ink it onto his back. What else is there to say after that?

4 Mena Suvari
Really, it’s the whole package that makes this a terrible tattoo. Let’s go into the mind of the tattoo artist to try to figure this out: “Okay, so you want a tattoo of a lion. That’s cool. Sorta anyway. You want it where? On your neck? Uh, okay. Um, well, the lion’s face sort of looks like an old man’s, so do you want us to change it? No? You want us to add some gibberish below that? Okay, you’re the boss. So what do you want it to say? A song lyric maybe? Those are popular. Wait… what? WORD SOUND POWER? Uh… okay. Jesus, you know this is permanent right? You can’t just wash this off later. Okay, just checking.” I’m going to guess that since this is on her back and neck, Mena has never had to truly see how awful this looks. Somebody get this lady a mirror, damn it!

3 Megan Fox
First of all, bravo to Megan Fox for quoting Shakespeare. But this just screams pretentious, don’t you think? Almost all tattoos that are famous quotes just make the tattoo’s owner look shallow and ridiculous instead of deep and wise. But like I said, maybe we should give her the benefit of the doubt for quoting King Lear instead of… wait, why is she quoting King Lear? What in the hell does that have to do with Megan Fox? Does she understand that she is basically the modern version of a “gilded butterfly?” Who is she laughing at? If anything, the quote just makes her look like she has no self-awareness at all. Yes, Megan, you are valued for your depth and your talent and not for the fact that you are something that horny guys like to stare at and little more. This quote is so maddeningly pretentious that it makes people forget the fact that she has a ridiculous tattoo of Marilyn Monroe’s face plastered on her body, which makes the shoulder tattoo doubly insane because if anyone could be culturally associated with the concept of the “gilded butterfly” it’s Marilyn Monroe.

2 Dennis Rodman
Jesus, Dennis. What in the hell is that? Is that a lady with… with a giant penis? What is going on there? Taken on the whole, in the context of Dennis Rodman’s mighty oeuvre of crazy, maybe this isn’t so ridiculous. I mean, of course Dennis Rodman has a tattoo of a winged lady who looks like she’s about to go down on her own giant penis. It would be unnatural if he didn’t. I’m guessing this is how he led the NBA in rebounds all those years. He would go up for a missed shot and the dude fighting him for the rebound would see that thing and get scared shitless and back right the hell off. Oh Dennis, you are a crafty one.

1 Mike Tyson
Oh come on, like it could be anybody else. Really, if we’re being honest here, doesn’t this seem like it was Iron Mike’s fate all along? To have the most ridiculous celebrity tattoo of them all? I think a lot of people have grown immune to Tyson’s craziness over the years and now nobody really bats an eye at this damn thing anymore but let’s not forget how shocked people were when this happened — not really shocked that he was crazy enough to get a tattoo like this, but that he got a tattoo that covered half his damn face. It’s one thing to think a dude could be that nuts. It’s another thing to actually see it and when he first emerged with that thing on the side of his head people were dumbfounded. It’s not like it has any sort of deep meaning either. He just did it because it would look crazy. You can’t convince me he had any other reason, and hey, good for him I guess. I mean, when you’re Mike Tyson you might as well embrace that. Besides, in a few years the dude will probably get, like, antlers or a giant rhino horn surgically implanted into his head and we’ll forget all about a simple tattoo. But for now, that simple tattoo is hideous enough and dumb enough to be the worst celebrity tattoo of them all. Congrats, Mike.

Here’s the guy’s reasons, in his own words:

“Last week I finally snagged a Nintendo 3DS, and after playing the augmented reality games, the first thing I thought was “Oh shit, that AR card would make a killer tattoo.” And so this weekend, I got the 3DS AR tattoo and it’s fucking awesome…”

Seriously? It’s a neat design and all, but come on. Also, who the hell sees something and IMMEDIATELY gets it permanently imprinted onto their body? I knew plenty of folks with crappy tattoos, but at least they put a couple days’ worth of thought into it. Anyhow, the one big problem is how it doesn’t work all that perfectly…

“Right now, the tattoo doesn’t always work in really bright light, like sunlight, but it works fine in dim-ish light. I think I need to go back and get an outline around it, because I think the 3DS is looking for the edge of the card and can’t find it in bright light.”

Wow. What an idiot. Here’s a video of the tat in action btw…

… So for those of you wondering, yes, does seem awfully hard to actually play those games yourself.

Best part is how it inspired some guy to do the same, but via colored pencils. Guess what? It actually works! They don’t even look all that exact to the read deals either.

Someone tattooed a damn AR Card on his arm. This is something a person did. [Tiny Cartridge]

In an effort to get the pulse of the society, I looked at the comments on the YouTube video. User thedarkskull12345 asks:

did he tattooed his dick?

And that’s a valid question. Probably the only valid question that would arise from this video. You know why? Because this is just fucking stupid. Wow, you have no regard for being a part of society and you like to show that by spending thousands upon thousands of dollars to look silly. Awesome. I didn’t need to hear about the “why” of it all for two minutes like we were in the Actors’ Studio for Dudes Who Excel at Making Stupid Choices. Now let’s have you go back to looking like someone in the background of a Jabbawockeez dance performance and we can all move on with our lives.

The Most Tattooed Person In The World [Buzzfeed]

To the left you’ll see Josh Roelink doing his best to mimic Kazuma Kiryu, on the right, the badass Japanese gangster that stars in the Yakuza series. Sega ran a competition in Australia to promote the launch of part 3 a little while ago (note that part 4 comes out tomorrow) in which $9000 was offered to any person brave enough to endure as much pain and ink to have the same tattoo.

The entire process took approximately six months to complete, with each session running for four hours, with three-week intervals. Yikes. At the very least, as far as video game tats goes, it’s not nearly as offensive as the unholy trifecta of Bowser, marijuana, and Jesus…

… BTW, I guess I should do a top ten list of my own, though nothing will ever top what you see above. Then again, I just stumbled across this LiveJournal community for those who wish to show off theirs, and I’m certain some contenders are waiting to be found.

Sydney Man Actually Gets That Yakuza 3 $9000 Full Back Tattoo [Asugamers]

Key stats on this well-adjusted individual, via Vulture:

-Bukovic is 56 years old
-He has tattoos of Roberts all over his entire body (more pictures here)
-He sells newspapers in Chile for a living
-He claims that he decided to get the tattoos after seeing Julia Roberts’ work in “Erin Brokovich” and fell in love with her
-The cost of his tattoos totals over $2,000
-He is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the only man to both see and vigorously masturbate to Roberts’ performance in “Eat Pray Love”.

I may have made one of those facts up.

Man has 82 tatts of Julia Roberts [The Sun]
Meet the Man With 82 Tattoos of Julia Roberts’s Face [Vulture]

Tattoos, arm bras, adult film stars, yep, they've got it covered!

Gone are the days where a tatted up woman was met with scorn and derision (at least in my house) and there’s good reason for that as you’ll see from these pictures from the very first Sex Issue of Inked magazine, which, of course, features the best women from the adult film industry. (There’s another industry that’s viewed quite differently these days.) Adam & Eve star Teagan Presley graces the cover of February’s issue of Inked and is joined by friends Skin, Tori Lux, Akira Raine, Daisy Marie, Krysta Kaos and Juelz Ventura inside the magazine. Tattoos sure have come a long way haven’t they?

Once he completed the tattoo, the tattooist told the victim to not go out into the sun and not show anyone the tattoo for a few weeks to avoid ruining it.

However, when the victim got home, he showed his roommate and was told, “I don’t think it’s the tattoo you were after.”

Instead of a yin and yang symbol resplendent with dragons, the man now has a lengthy penis and a slogan implying he was gay etched into his back.

The amateur tattoo artist is charged with two counts of assault occasioning bodily harm.

Man, who would have guessed that getting a ridiculously cliché tattoo of a yin and yang symbol with dragons from your 21-year-old friend who isn’t a professional tattoo artist in his home without pre-approving a design was a bad idea? Oh, everyone on Earth? Well then.

On the plus side, at least it was a huge penis. You don’t want a small penis tattooed on your back along with gay slogans. No sir, if you’re going to be representing a lust for genitals on your back against your will, at least aim for the best.

40cm penis tattooed on man’s back [Queensland Times]

I don’t like how the video cuts off. There was a real story being weaved there and not getting to see the exciting climax is just poor viral video storytelling.

The only positive for this lady is that she’s got a great Sam Kinison impression going. I also wouldn’t have minded if the video ended with her in his current state.

[T]he advisor concluded: ”Who would hire you looking like that?”

”I said I could take the piercings out but they look a lot worse when they are out.”

“The guy said: ‘on first impressions do you think anyone would hire you?’ He said: ‘look at it this way if you were to stand behind a wall – or put a paper bag over your face do you think you would have a better chance?’

“He then backtracked and tried to say that he was sorry and hoped I wasn’t offended but I was.

“He talked to me as though I was just going through a phase in my life, but this is my lifestyle choice, and this is who I am.”

I get that it’s easy to go “Oh, poor you!” about this girl. But seriously, look at her again. You can’t deface your body so flagrantly — looking roughly like someone who had a severe accident at a construction site — and expect that people are going to take you seriously as a business person. Not to mention the fact she looks like John Belushi. Like, how he looks now. No sympathy.

Tattooed woman ‘told to put bag over head by Jobcentre’ [Telegraph]

A Floyd County man has been charged with child cruelty after authorities say he tattooed his 3-year-old son.

Floyd County Police Sgt. Teri Davis said Eugene Ashley, 24, tattooed the back of his son’s right shoulder with “DB,” which stands for “Daddy’s Boy,” sometime this spring. The man told police he was intoxicated at the time, Davis said.

The child’s mother, Amy Ashley, was not present during the incident.

The tattoo was discovered after an unidentified person complained to the Department of Family and Children Services about the conditions at the Ashley home. The Ashleys have three or four children, Davis said.

“You keep thinking you’ve seen it all, and then voila,” Davis said.

The children remain with their mother; Eugene Ashley was arrested May 21 and faces charges of child cruelty and tattooing a person younger than 18 years old, the latter being a misdemeanor, Davis said.

Tattoos are supposed to, theoretically, make you look cool and edgy. But having one that stands for Daddy’s Boy probably isn’t going to win you any cool points. In fact, there really isn’t anything else that DB stands for that you could pretend is cool. Douche Bag? Dick Butt? Dave’s Balls? Why would you want to advertise Dave’s Balls in such a pronounced way? They must truly be stellar.

I haven’t fathered a child that I’m willing to publicly acknowledge so maybe I can’t relate to being a father, but tattooing your child in your apartment while drunk just doesn’t seem like something a child would look back on fondly. It’s not exactly a Wonder Years moment. And you’re also setting the bar pretty high for being a negligent father right away. How can you prove your awfulness more than that? Beating your son or throwing whiskey at him doesn’t quite pack the same punch.

[via]

That’s pretty stellar usage of unwieldy body hair. The only thing that could top that is if you’re a big ZZ Top fan and had their faces tattooed on your pubis. Or if you have herpes and tattoo a pizza around your groin. Crabs and a beach is also acceptable. The ideas are out there folks, you just need to grab the brass ring.

[via]

Now, while I’d be reluctant to ever advocate shooting a significant other (I mean, unless you had a gun and were really angry then, f it, what’d you buy it for? Pussy), but given the incidents of last month, wouldn’t a real gun have been the more logical purchase? Unless Chris Brown is half a retard and she can point that at him and go “pew pew!” to get him to run away. Then maybe. But otherwise, I don’t think it’d provide much actual protection.

I guess it’s true what they say though, if you hit a woman in the head hard enough…uh…well, she’ll definitely get a black eye. I guess it’s not a catchy expression, but it’s definitely something.

Below is not a tattoo that she actually got but that she was considering. Hood rat-y…yes. Yes it is.

“I have a tattoo on the side of my penis that says stove top,” Morgan tells me proudly, referring to the instant stuffing mix. “I’m pretty well-endowed. A girl told me to get that because I stuffed her up like a turkey. She said, ‘You should call that Stove Top!’”

It’s about 10 minutes into our interview on a day off from shooting, and Morgan wants to talk tattoos. He starts ticking them off: a peace sign, a happy and sad face, a cross bearing the names of his ex-wife and three sons, the name of a friend he played football with in high school who was murdered. He lifts up his shirt, revealing his doughy torso as he displays the words ME, MYSELF, & I on his back. And then there’s STOVE TOP.

I know what you’re thinking. A black guy with a comically massive penis? Stop the presses! What’s even worse is that Tracy Morgan’s story is so captivating that he got an Asian friend to tattoo “Rice Cake” on his penis because his penis was known to only satisfy the needs of women with an anorexic vagina. It was written in Chinese characters though, for spacing reasons.

[source]