And it’s coming to video games, eventually, as heralded in a blog post that is slightly disturbing somewhat.

There’s a man out there, Jorge Jimenez, who wants to help create the most realistic virtual skin ever. And taken at face value (see what I did there), his ]]>

And it’s coming to video games, eventually, as heralded in a blog post that is slightly disturbing somewhat.

There’s a man out there, Jorge Jimenez, who wants to help create the most realistic virtual skin ever. And taken at face value (see what I did there), his goal seems noble enough. Plus he’s clearly appears to be on the right track, as evidenced by the following…

And as Rock, Paper, Scissors notes as well, it’s great that he want said tech to be mostly for games, something that’s accessible, not just for fancy ass, big budget CGI motion pictures.

The real issue is how slightly insane Jimenez comes off. First, if you were somewhat off-put by the heavy-handedness of the video above, you weren’t the only one. Though the real issue is how he outlines his master plan, in a blog post called THE DAY HAS COME. I’m not saying it reads like Mein Kampf or anything like that, but…

It is often joked about how the downfall of man would be by the hands of synthetic supermen, but such magical beings don’t come out of thing air. Basically, when that day comes, we can all blame Jorge Jimenez for screwing over the human race. Thanks for nothing, dude.

Proof of the evolution of technology or that women have been secretly hiding the fact that they can’t read for generations…you decide!

For the record, this is obviously viral marketing for something. Uploaded by a YouTube channel called UserExperiencesWork with a buzzword-y description, it reeks of ]]>

Proof of the evolution of technology or that women have been secretly hiding the fact that they can’t read for generations…you decide!

For the record, this is obviously viral marketing for something. Uploaded by a YouTube channel called UserExperiencesWork with a buzzword-y description, it reeks of it.

That said, even if she were “working the magazine correctly,” she can’t fucking read, dude. Cut her some slack. If I didn’t know what words were and I had only touched an iPad before, I’d probably be lost, too. But then once she learns how to read she’ll go, “Oh, okay.” And then be like, “Wait, did you guys seriously give me Marie Claire to read? I’m two you assholes, what is this, some kind of sick joke?” And hopefully she realizes that she’s being exploited and joins the circus. That’d show them.

iPad Baby Can’t Work a Magazine [Gawker]

We’re just that much closer to pretending we’re in some futuristic sci-fi flick in which you touch something and cool looking, colorful circles appear, signifying… stuff.

I love playing games with my iPhone, but there’s one major hurdle that I’m sure many will agree with: if you have to touch ]]>

We’re just that much closer to pretending we’re in some futuristic sci-fi flick in which you touch something and cool looking, colorful circles appear, signifying… stuff.

I love playing games with my iPhone, but there’s one major hurdle that I’m sure many will agree with: if you have to touch the screen to make things happen, much of your view is obstructed as a result. iPad games are, in comparison, much easier to deal with, but the form factor of the device is nowhere near as convenient as a phone you can simply slip in your pocket.

So what if the gaming canvas was so big that all those concerns went out the window? That’s one way of looking at Arthur Nishimoto’s Fleet Commander game. Another way is how much of what’s going on is reminiscent of some tense military operation is some future war in whatever movie or tv show…

Here’s an earlier and “smaller” version of the same game…

But all jokes aside, THIS is how touch based gameplay works best, on a very large surface so you need to know what’s going on without yourself getting in the way. Me thinks we’ll have to wait till iPad 5 at the least for something like the above. Or maybe not? We’ve got huge ass 3D screens coming in living rooms, no reason why all big displays can’t also be touch sensitive, right?

BTW, here’s Arthur Nishimoto’s take on Tron. Not nearly as cool looking, plus it looks to be a pain in the ass to play comparatively speaking (whereas a smaller surface would actually be preferable in such an instance)…

Star Wars Fleet Commander and Tron Game Grid [Super Punch]

Parts of the world are perplexed by escalators, other parts have made make-out robots, but that’s all moot. There is now a machine that will, uh, extract your sperm in a blow-y fashion.

The part I like the most about it is ]]>

Parts of the world are perplexed by escalators, other parts have made make-out robots, but that’s all moot. There is now a machine that will, uh, extract your sperm in a blow-y fashion.

The part I like the most about it is how it looks like EVE from “Wall-E”. If I’m going to get my knob hobbed by a robot, I’d rather it look like that foxy piece of machinery than Rosie the Robot. I don’t know what it says about me that I have certain physical standards when considering a theoretical hummer from a robot, but I just feel like if I’m going to make this leap, it better all be right.

That said, I would not mind being called “Mr. J” during the act.

[Thanks for the tip, Mintberry Crunch!]

The wonders of technology are rarely more present than they are in this clip in which a Papua New Guinea man seems terrified of and confused by the existence of an escalator.

Sure, it’s easy to call this man a savage and want to run after him with a ]]>

The wonders of technology are rarely more present than they are in this clip in which a Papua New Guinea man seems terrified of and confused by the existence of an escalator.

Sure, it’s easy to call this man a savage and want to run after him with a torch while he wonders how you conjured up the power of the Gods. But, personally, I also get kind of freaked out every time I step on an escalator, too. What if that’s the time the escalator turns into a big shiny Megazord with an undying hunger for human flesh? You just never know.

Either way, get some triumphant music, hire Don Cheadle, and throw in a child with a disability and I smell Oscar bait.

Inconvenient Escalator of the Day [The Daily What]

Finding kissing people with normal flesh and a soul to be too difficult? Well, A) Trying moving out of New Jersey. And B) You may be interested in this new device that lets you make out with your computer. THE FUTURE IS NOW. Japanese researchers from the Kajimoto Laboratory at ]]>

Finding kissing people with normal flesh and a soul to be too difficult? Well, A) Trying moving out of New Jersey. And B) You may be interested in this new device that lets you make out with your computer. THE FUTURE IS NOW.

Japanese researchers from the Kajimoto Laboratory at the University of Electro-Communications have been hard at work making their kissing robot which allows people to experience all the sensations of a kiss without all that yucky effort and physical contact.

Above is one of the researchers, Nobuhiru Takahashi, showing off all that hot robot tongue action promised of the device.

The device also allows users to link up their machine to a “partner” machine over the Internet, meaning that you make out with your easy Rosie from “The Jetsons” while your partner does the same across the globe, allowing you both to simulate a kiss without being in the same hemisphere.

Takahashi says the machine replicates the “elements of a kiss includ[ing] the sense of taste, the manner of breathing, and the moistness of the tongue.”

I’m going to be a contrarian here and say that this is actually kind of cool. Granted, I’d prefer not to tongue down electronic devices until I’m forced into a prison in the year 2030 in which I must fellate my fellow robot prisoners in order to survive, but it’s a pretty amazing thing that you could even sort of substitute electronic devices and data for the sensation of kissing a loved one thousands of miles away.

That said, it literally could not be easier to make out with a random person these days. And if the choice comes down to me making out with a PS3 to try to keep some relationship with my true love 10,000 miles away going or heading to a bar and risking the herp with some girl in a sequined dress, I’m going with ol’ Shiny McHerp every time. I’m old-fashioned like that.

A New Kissing Device Lets You Make Out Over The Internet [Fast Company]

Last week, we mentioned Breakup Notifier, a Facebook-related service that allowed users to register and then receive updates when someone they’re obsessed with attracted to ended whatever relationship they’re in.

That service has been shut down by Facebook. Because they got 3.6 million users in the ]]>

Last week, we mentioned Breakup Notifier, a Facebook-related service that allowed users to register and then receive updates when someone they’re obsessed with attracted to ended whatever relationship they’re in.

That service has been shut down by Facebook. Because they got 3.6 million users in the span of about seven days.

In the grand scheme of things, that’s actually a fairly small percentage of people who use Facebook. However, it’s an incredibly large amount of folks that would like to immediately know — via email or however — when someone becomes single, even if by doing so they violate their privacy.

Speaking of violation of privacy, Facebook didn’t cite that when they shut down the service. Instead, they let developer Dan Loewenherz know, via TechCrunch, that they were crushing his hopes and dreams because of an API call.

“To ensure positive user experiences on Platform, we run routine automated screens that take user feedback, machine learning and various algorithms into account and remove spammy applications. For example, if an application is making an inordinate number of stream.publish calls and receiving a large number of user reports, it may be removed by our automated systems to protect the user experience and the Platform ecosystem.”

Of course, API calls don’t exactly justify the need to remove Dan’s personal Facebook account.

If you check out Dan’s Twitter feed — or the Breakup Notifier Twitter feed — you’ll notice that they’d love to get things up and running again, but haven’t had much success as of yet, due to Facebook stonewalling them.

Perhaps he should try stalking?

I’ve always felt that some of my favorite movies, “The Warriors” in particular, are extremely dated thanks to the changes in modern technology. Thankfully, CollegeHumor is on the case, showing what famous movies would be like if they were more aggressive in using smartphones.

I have nothing to add ]]>

I’ve always felt that some of my favorite movies, “The Warriors” in particular, are extremely dated thanks to the changes in modern technology. Thankfully, CollegeHumor is on the case, showing what famous movies would be like if they were more aggressive in using smartphones.

I have nothing to add to this other than I’ve personally felt “Casablanca” could be greatly improved by more sexting. My life is not complete without a grainy yet flattering shot of Humphrey Bogart’s dong.

If All Movies Had Smartphones, This Would Happen [Video] [Gizmodo]

In order to remind reckless drivers to obey traffic laws, a Vancouver organization has created an exciting new system that involves projecting a 3D little girl chasing a ball in the middle of the street. The wonders of technology! The BCAA Traffic Safety Foundation partnered with ]]>

In order to remind reckless drivers to obey traffic laws, a Vancouver organization has created an exciting new system that involves projecting a 3D little girl chasing a ball in the middle of the street. The wonders of technology!

The projector costs $15,000 and is visible from a distance. However once drivers get close to the girl, it will disappear into the pavement.

Brent Dozzi, a manager of roads and transportation for the District of West Vancouver told the Globe and Mail:

“It’s been an ongoing challenge for traffic-safety engineers to try and get vehicles to slow. The static messaging that we do becomes part of the landscape and it’s on the periphery.”

It’s an interesting idea but, at the same time, if people know about these projections, won’t they just be more likely to speed through? I mean, odds are it’s just a holographic little girl. I’m not sure that’s the message you want to send. Unless we’re trying to get rid of our overcrowded little girl population. Or our colorful plastic balls. Damn colorful plastic balls. They move into your neighborhood, sleep with your women, and drive property values down.

Watch Out for That 3D Optical Illusion on the Road! [Gizmodo]
Driving a message home with an optical illusion [Globe and Mail

Beware of this video since there’s a lot of nerd babbling, but you can’t really beat the simple joys of the World’s Sixth Most Popular Sport, Pac-man, being played out with Roombas. Pop your power pellets and get on board.

Downside: Not quite as cool ]]>

Beware of this video since there’s a lot of nerd babbling, but you can’t really beat the simple joys of the World’s Sixth Most Popular Sport, Pac-man, being played out with Roombas. Pop your power pellets and get on board.

Downside: Not quite as cool as this Pac-Man in real life video. It’s a known fact that any concept gets infinitely funnier when you add in destroying public property and horrified onlookers.

I wonder if Pac-Man has the cultural relevance he did before though. In the 80s there was Pac-Man fever and arcade games everywhere. But nowadays if I pop some pills and try to eat ghosts that only I can see, people think I’m the strange one. Study up on your classic video games and/or the psychodelic effects of alcohol and sleeping pills, society!

Crackheads often get mocked for their twitching and addiction to a dangerous drug, occasionally by holding a crack rock on a fishing line just out of their reach when I’m bored. But you have to admire their passion and ingenuity when it comes to this, a cocaine hiding/weight device masked ]]>

Crackheads often get mocked for their twitching and addiction to a dangerous drug, occasionally by holding a crack rock on a fishing line just out of their reach when I’m bored. But you have to admire their passion and ingenuity when it comes to this, a cocaine hiding/weight device masked as an iPhone.

What you see above is a digital scale that can weigh your drugs but also hide them inside a casing that looks like an iPhone. Pretty brilliant. Well, brilliant up until the point you realize that it’ll be sold for $5 just to get more drugs. It looks less brilliant when you factor that in. On the plus side, it probably gets about as good reception as my real iPhone.

[BornTechie]

Planning on robbing a Best Buy? Well, good news…turns out that if an employee tries to physically thwart you, they’ll end up getting fired. That’ll teach them to try.

Two employees at the Best Buy store at FlatIron Crossing in Broomfield have been fired for the ]]>

Planning on robbing a Best Buy? Well, good news…turns out that if an employee tries to physically thwart you, they’ll end up getting fired. That’ll teach them to try.

Two employees at the Best Buy store at FlatIron Crossing in Broomfield have been fired for the way they tried to stop a knife-wielding shoplifter who stole two cellphones at the store on Aug. 1.

“I reacted on instinct,” said 20-year-old Jared Bergstreser, who was sitting at the “asset protection desk” near the front door.

“I tackled him (outside the store), and we ended up on the cement,” said Bergstreser, who is studying to be a paramedic at Front Range Community College.

Bergstreser and employee Colin Trapp, 23, who came to his aid, were both fired Sunday.

Bergstreser said his firing was decided by corporate officials, not the local store, because he didn’t follow company policy in his pursuit of the shoplifter.

“They don’t want us to get hurt,” said Bergstreser. “I definitely went against company policy. I don’t disagree with it (the firing). I put people in danger, and I put myself in danger.”

These guys seem unbelievably cool with getting fired, which I guess is what happens when you realize, “Oh, right, it’s Best Buy.” It’s not like you got fired from being the blow job stunt double on a porn set (which may not be a real job, but I’m all about job creation in this economy).

Seriously though, I really respect humility and all that when you do something fairly brave. But if I thwarted a robbery at the hands of a guy with a knife, I would be wearing a t-shirt that reads “Ask Me About That Mugging I Stopped” on the front with “…And I’m Well-Endowed” on the back. Sure it might confuse some people who’ll think there’s a correlation between the two, as though I beat a robber to death with my swollen member, but is that really any less impressive?

[via]

This is undoubtedly a viral marketing video for an iPhone app, but man, a lot of other companies can learn a lot from this video. It seems real, it has profanity, and it has a guy pretending to shoot people with his iPhone’s i-Gun app…I dare say this video has ]]>

This is undoubtedly a viral marketing video for an iPhone app, but man, a lot of other companies can learn a lot from this video. It seems real, it has profanity, and it has a guy pretending to shoot people with his iPhone’s i-Gun app…I dare say this video has it all.

I could see parents getting all up in a tizzy over this application, thinking that it’ll make their kids end up shooting up their schools or whatever. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I would buy this app, play with it for 30 seconds, and get bored with it, never touching it again. I’d be more concerned about sometime similar happening with his penis. You blast people in the face with that thing and, unlike with a gun, you still have to see them right after it’s over.

For some reason, toymakers have an obsession with dolls that can replicate the bodily functions of an actual baby. For further proof, check out “Bebé Glotón” (or “Baby Glutton” in English), a Spanish doll that replicates the breastfeeding experience.

Bebé Glotón is a infant doll made ]]>

For some reason, toymakers have an obsession with dolls that can replicate the bodily functions of an actual baby. For further proof, check out “Bebé Glotón” (or “Baby Glutton” in English), a Spanish doll that replicates the breastfeeding experience.

Bebé Glotón is a infant doll made by Berjuan, a toy maker in Spain, for the express purpose of promoting breastfeeding. The idea is to impress upon kids that breastfeeding is natural.

Your child wears a colorful bra-like halter-top featuring flowers over the nipple area. When the doll is lifted to the flowers, it makes a suckling motion and sound. When your child’s flower nipples grow sore and cracked, either the baby cries for more, or beckons to be burped.

While I definitely find it odd that a parent would get a child a toy where a baby suckles on any of your daughter’s body parts, you have to admit that it is kind of cool theoretically. Not that I necessarily want baby toys to be playing with my body in new and exciting and vaguely sexual ways, but I like to know that they’ve developed the capability to do so.

[via]

I’d like to applaud you, dear reader, for making your first appearance in an iPhone app! Bad news: Kidfery just got a bit harder.

All 50 states in the US require those convicted of sexual offences to sign a register so that their whereabouts can be ]]>

I’d like to applaud you, dear reader, for making your first appearance in an iPhone app! Bad news: Kidfery just got a bit harder.

All 50 states in the US require those convicted of sexual offences to sign a register so that their whereabouts can be tracked and monitored. The information is also freely available online. ThinAir Wireless, the developer of the Offender Locator application, has used this database to build the tool.

Offender Locator uses the iPhone’s built-in GPS to pinpoint the user’s location, and then provide a map listing sex offenders in the local area. Tapping on one of the ‘pins’ dropped on to the map brings up a photograph of the offender, as well as their address, date of birth and list of convictions.

Users can also search for sex offenders living nearby a friend or colleague whose address is stored in their Apple iPhone address book, or they can type in a street address to generate a list of convicted sex offenders in the local area. There are around 50,000 registered sex offenders in the United States.

That seems useful but these maps are always kind of disturbing. Especially when you load it up and it looks like your map is filled with an interpretive recreation of Nena’s 99 Luftballons. I’m sure it’s not true, but people imagine that it’s so bad in areas that dense, that if you’re carrying a My Buddy doll, it’ll quickly look like it’s getting sprayed by a yogurt hose when you walk it home. An actual child? Like a Guy-in-Glasses-and-Wispy-Mustache Cock Car Wash.

But what about fairness in the free market? Parents may buy this tool to gain a competitive advantage, but what about one for the sex offenders? Sure, it doesn’t need to cater to really sick perverts because they’re terrible people, but would it kill some app to give me a heads up on high school seniors with no real opposition to statutory rape and a need for booze? This media isn’t social enough for practical purposes, I’ll tell you that much.

[via]

I think my favorite thing is old videos that were made entirely seriously but now take on a parody-ish type of tone. See, for example, this CBC (Canada) news report from the late 80s about the new “Internet.”

I think this video stands on its own as hilarious, but ]]>

I think my favorite thing is old videos that were made entirely seriously but now take on a parody-ish type of tone. See, for example, this CBC (Canada) news report from the late 80s about the new “Internet.”

I think this video stands on its own as hilarious, but I don’t think the video is so far off. The Internet was a creepy, almost menacing place then. Just sitting there staring at a black screen as words come across from some other irrelevant asshole miles away. That is kind of a scary concept. At the same time, how long do you think it took the reporter to wind up pantsless and having cybersex with some fat whore in Toronto? With his lack of knowledge, he probably ended up shoving a coaxial cable up his asshole in the belief that it would cause sexual pleasure. And how right he was.

[via]

What happens when you unleash a camera on a couple of hardcore rednecks? This piece of cinematic mastery. Just watch it.

Thank the Internet for wonders such as this. People often accuse me of being biased of Southerners on this site or misrepresenting them. But hey, now we have ]]>

What happens when you unleash a camera on a couple of hardcore rednecks? This piece of cinematic mastery. Just watch it.

Thank the Internet for wonders such as this. People often accuse me of being biased of Southerners on this site or misrepresenting them. But hey, now we have video proof (or, as the gentleman above might call it, “Videomographic everdents”). Also, that’s a WOMAN running the camera. A WOMAN. She doesn’t even have wrists! It looks like she’s wearing flesh colored Hulk Hands. It’s like looking into the baboon cage at the zoo. They’d probably have made a more coherent video too.

Feel free to defend yourselves in the comments below, Southern folk. But seriously, if it weren’t for Southern belles and barbecue, I’d be highly advocating just giving you to Mexico. Then we can make Canada the new South. At least they’ve got weed and hot strippers instead of “chew,” rebel flags, and vaguely entertaining appearances on Maury.