I carry very odd hours. And unfortunately I live in a place where the closest place open near me after midnight is the local Walmart. Now Walmart has it’s pros and it’s cons, but one thing I think we can all agree on is that it ]]>

I carry very odd hours. And unfortunately I live in a place where the closest place open near me after midnight is the local Walmart. Now Walmart has it’s pros and it’s cons, but one thing I think we can all agree on is that it has a unique cast of characters all unto its own. I’ve found that these are some of the characters that are always wandering the aisles of Walmart after midnight.

9 The person buying medicine
There is always someone walking around a Walmart at 1:00am coughing and stumbling towards the closest flu medicine display. During flu season the medicine isle of the store looks like a Tylenol PM zombie apocalypse. There are people dragging around, mumbling in agony while grasping for orange and green boxes and coughing up pieces of non-vital organs. We’ve probably all been there but it doesn’t make it any less concerning when the person behind you isn’t covering their mouth and sounds like they have Whooping Cough.

8 The kid buying beer
If you’ve ever been to Walmart late at night anywhere near a college, you’ll see a mad dash of kids buying beer right before the Blue Laws kick in. I bet 10% of all their beer sales come less than 30 minutes before they stop selling alcohol. It’s like watching water buffalo charge toward Niagara Falls.

7 The guy in camouflage
I’m scared because why would there need to be a guy in camo in a department store at 2:00am? What is that guy hiding from? And I’m not talking about a guy that looks like he’s going hunting, I mean a guy that is obviously planning something.

“Bullets… at 2:00am. Wow and a case of beer. All you need is an angry scowl, is there an angry scowl department in here? Amiright? Oh, there it is. Yikes. Here why don’t you just jump in front of me in line, you obviously look like you’re in a hurry.”

6 The old lady that doesn’t like to shop during regular hours
There always seems to be one nice old lady that doesn’t like the hustle and bustle of daytime shopping, so she goes late at night when the store is less crowded. Nothing wrong with that. Everyone has a right to shop at whatever time they want to, but what usually sucks about this situation is there are never any lanes open at night and you can get stuck at the self-checkout line behind a person with two months worth of groceries.

5 The lady from the ’80s
There is always one woman in Walmart dressed like she just got off her set at The Boobie Shack or like she just got home from a Van Halen concert circa 1985. Big hair, too much skin, and pants tight enough that you know they screw with the circulation in her legs. I’m not judging your appearance, I’m simply pointing out the facts. I simply have to assume you drive a Delorean or missed the bus out of 1985. It’s people like her that make me feel overdressed even when wearing my Big Johnson shirts.

4 The cop
This guy is usually just standing at the front of the store minding his own business or flirting with a cashier. He’s gotta be the coolest or most patient cop on the force. Anyone that can stand around and watch the cavalcade of weirdness that parades through Walmart probably has to deal with some genuine crazy people from time to time. Nothing as serious as the crazies out on the street–but remember those people have to shop too. There’s a reason this guy has a taser and I think a lot of us feel a little safer with this guy at the front of the store.

3 The drunk guy/girl wandering around because the bars just closed
If you live in a small enough town, you’ll see some people wandering around at night that have nowhere else to get their drunk energy out than at Walmart. They’ll be racing carts, buying as many frozen pizzas and beef jerky that they can fit in a basket or just trying futilely to buy more beer. These people can be a nuisance and are the sole reason they take the keys out of most of the motorized carts at night. They explained that to me right before they put me in back of the squad car.

2 The lady with a kid young enough to have school tomorrow
I understand that some people have got to work at different times and sometimes have schedules that leave them with no babysitter late at night. But you have to hate seeing someone at 3:00am on a Tuesday grocery shopping with a kid that obviously has school tomorrow. That kid looks tired now and he’s going to look worse tomorrow. Sure, it’s hard being a single parent with a shopping list to finish, but imagine being a tired kid trying to learn math at 8:00am the next day.

1 The greeter that just wants to go home
Most of the greeters are fairly friendly at the store, but as the day drags on, the enthusiasm wanes and you’re left with a person sitting in a chair that looks like they’d rather be anywhere but there. They say hello to the crazy people filtering in and have to check the bags as the crazy people walk out. I’m sure some of them really like their jobs, but most people working at night just look tired and bored. I kind of feel sorry for them until I run back into that guy in camo in the parking lot.

And, yes, I know this is like People of Walmart, but these are the people I see all the time and had to write about them. Got anymore? I’m sure you do, so leave them in the comments.

It makes me sad when I see a video like this and it’s pretty clearly a parody instead of something real, but this is too well done not to share. A group of 1980s “sex offenders” in Miami admit to their crimes to the tune of the Super Bowl ]]>

It makes me sad when I see a video like this and it’s pretty clearly a parody instead of something real, but this is too well done not to share. A group of 1980s “sex offenders” in Miami admit to their crimes to the tune of the Super Bowl Shuffle…I mean, how can you not want to see that?

It’s probably for the best that this isn’t real. There’d definitely have to be some sort of casting process for something so talent-intensive as this. Frankly, the show “So You Think You Can Sex Offend and Dance,” while catchily titled, isn’t the best idea.

Having said that, at 2:13 is “Laura Hughes,” allegedly a creepy sex offender who looks mysteriously like a hot chick uglied up for the video. I haven’t been so sexually confused about an alleged sex offender since Paula Poundstone tickled my prostate with one of her thin ties.

There was a time before the Internet where, to meet new people for romance, men and women would, through a dating connection agency, put together videos of themselves to solicit replies from people. This compilation of single gentlemen looking for a lady to “have some fun with” is the finest ]]>

There was a time before the Internet where, to meet new people for romance, men and women would, through a dating connection agency, put together videos of themselves to solicit replies from people. This compilation of single gentlemen looking for a lady to “have some fun with” is the finest thing you will ever see. No amount of hyperbole I can give here will build this up adequately, just watch.

If you were a woman looking for a mate and you ended up going through this VCR dating programs, you really must have been hard up for love. You’d be more likely to find romantic and spiritual fulfillment by, instead, taking your VCR, unplugging it, setting yourself a nice bubble bath, reflecting on life, then dropping the VCR in the tub with you. At least then you wouldn’t have to hear some guy with a cheap mustache and Zubaz pants telling you that you’re the foxiest lady in the room.

If I had a dollar for every time some stranger attempted to abduct me and/or pick me up like a bowling ball, I would have had enough money to run away from home and avoid all those problems in the first place. Kind of a paradox, really. But I didn’t ]]>

If I had a dollar for every time some stranger attempted to abduct me and/or pick me up like a bowling ball, I would have had enough money to run away from home and avoid all those problems in the first place. Kind of a paradox, really. But I didn’t have this important 80s rap song about “stranger danger” to guide me. You need to see this.

So if I’m to believe the video, I really should just avoid people wearing sunglasses. You just don’t know what a person’s intent is if they’re hiding their eyes. Do they want to help or do they want to lock me in a trunk until they can skin me alive? I just don’t know!

Plus how do I know that I can trust the guy singing the song? He’s a stranger. What if this song was just an elaborate ruse to get me to trust him and avoid the people who are warning me, “Hey, stay away from that creepy dude who starts singing while hanging out around kids”? This is why I just don’t care and get into a car with whomever offers to take me around. When life hands you lemons, sometimes you get sodomized. Such is life.

[via]

I think my favorite thing is old videos that were made entirely seriously but now take on a parody-ish type of tone. See, for example, this CBC (Canada) news report from the late 80s about the new “Internet.”

I think this video stands on its own as hilarious, but ]]>

I think my favorite thing is old videos that were made entirely seriously but now take on a parody-ish type of tone. See, for example, this CBC (Canada) news report from the late 80s about the new “Internet.”

I think this video stands on its own as hilarious, but I don’t think the video is so far off. The Internet was a creepy, almost menacing place then. Just sitting there staring at a black screen as words come across from some other irrelevant asshole miles away. That is kind of a scary concept. At the same time, how long do you think it took the reporter to wind up pantsless and having cybersex with some fat whore in Toronto? With his lack of knowledge, he probably ended up shoving a coaxial cable up his asshole in the belief that it would cause sexual pleasure. And how right he was.

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I mentioned this recently but it bears repeating…people have this sort of wistful look at the 80s like it was good. All it really gave us was AIDS and Muppets. For example, check out this awful scene from the movie Teen Witch.

It really brings to mind that being ]]>

I mentioned this recently but it bears repeating…people have this sort of wistful look at the 80s like it was good. All it really gave us was AIDS and Muppets. For example, check out this awful scene from the movie Teen Witch.

It really brings to mind that being “cool” is totally a subjective thing. While anyone watching this would think, “Wow, what a douche,” this poor little retarded girl not only wants to f him, but also be like him. So does that make him cool, that this one girl is so infatuated with what he has to offer, in spite of himself? The answer: No. This little retarded girl would clearly f a guy in a Chuck E. Cheese costume if he had a boombox and a flat-top wig on. Not that we all wouldn’t, mind you, I’m just saying. Something about a rat that reminds you of Kid and/or Play who can also provide you with free pizza is a real aphrodisiac.

As a child, there’s so much that goes over your head. For example, look at these seven commercials that you might not think much of as a kid that now seem a little, shall we say, off.

Mr. Bucket has a love-hate relationship with your balls