Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

It’s easy to get addicted to the Internet. One day you’re responding to a Facebook wall post and the next you’re running a successful farm with over 46 different crops. In fact, it’s not uncommon to go on IMDB to look up an actor’s name and spend the next 12 hours watching every movie trailer made in 1999. However there’s a line to Internet usage and you have to know when it’s time to X out and shut the computer down.

6 You Speak in Twitter
While out to dinner one night your friend Barry says something that grabs your attention. So you do what all people do in conversation and you say “@Barry, Viagra actually can be used recreationally.” Wrong. It’s not socially acceptable to address people with @. Nor is it okay to share office gossip by saying “Retweet the boss, half of us are getting laid off this month.”

5 You have no attention span
You’re never doing just one thing when you’re online. You’re IM-ing, G-chatting, Facebook stalking, reading blogs, checking e-mail, and googling “where can you play Oregon Trail ’95 online?” Your attention span is completely shot and you’re operating under the impression that you should only do what interests you. Unfortunately walking out of a business meeting because you heard a weird noise outside does not often lead to long-term employment opportunities.

4 You threw away your TV
Everything you could possibly want to watch on TV is already online. Sure you have to watch two-hour movies in 16 clips and sure you have to watch Roseanne episodes with Japanese subtitles, but you’re saving tons of money. The problems start when you invite a special someone over to watch a romantic movie and you have to spend the whole date waiting for Nacho Libre to buffer.

3 You have friends you’ve never met in person
What started out as a random Facebook friend request led to a best friendship only seen in the movies where the guy turns out to be an Internet predator. Sam is the best friend that you’ve ever had and you’ve stopped talking to everyone else in your life. Problem is that there’s a good chance that Sam is an 11-year-old boy cracking up every time you update him on your top secret herpes treatment.

2 You speak in 3rd person
Your life has turned into a living, breathing status update where you dispense information no one wants. Not only do you constantly talk about yourself, but you no longer use the word “I.” Instead you find yourself more comfortable expressing yourself by saying “Tommy is pretty sure that he isn’t the father of his son.” If only there were a Maury paternity test app on Facebook.

1 You know everything before it happens
You read over 743 blogs a day. You know when a celebrity dies before the celebrity dies and you know the score of the game before the players even step onto the field. Every time a friend sends you a viral video or a fun article, you’ve already seen it. Although you may know everything that’s happening at all times, odds are you don’t know your friends hate you. Start lying to your friends and just for once say “neat” when someone sends you a video of a dog riding a horse.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Everyone and their great-grandmother is on Facebook these days, celebrities are tweet-fighting with their children, and normal people can’t seem to stop broadcasting every trivial detail about their lives. Things that never should be told to anybody are now online for anyone to Google and find. No matter how many social networks you belong to or how often you update your favorite movies on Facebook, there are seven things that you should never share on your social media.

7 A break-up
@babyhunnyxo69 it’s not u, it’s me, 2 sum it up, I’m seeing some1 else.

Breaking up with your girlfriend via a tweet makes breaking up with a woman on her voice mail look chivalrous. It’s one thing to want to keep it short and undramatic, it’s another thing to say it in under 140 characters. If you can’t bear the thought of telling her to her face, try IM-ing her. Nothing says I’m sorry like a sad smiley face followed up by a kissy face.

6 Pregnancy scares
Erica is late…cross your fingers I’m not preggers.

Considering Facebook doesn’t have a pregnancy test feature yet, it’s wildly inappropriate to broadcast this online. Your one line sentence will send all your female friends into a panic as they contemplate if their nausea this morning was more than just a hangover. And the worst part is that all your recent hook-ups will have a full-on heart attack — which will ironically let them completely off the hook for child support.

5 Tragic situations
Join the “Pray Robert survives his suicide attempt” Facebook group.

Signing onto Facebook for the sole purpose of poking your crush takes a dark turn when you’re invited to join a deeply upsetting group. This is no “Austin blacked out, lost his phone, needs your digits” Facebook group. It’s basically a casual way for a priest to eventually draft a eulogy using Facebook wall posts. Instead of creating a Facebook group that places your friend’s sickness on the same level as a Farmville invite, try making an old-fashioned phone call.

4 Daily schedule
Crystal is waking up too early (ugh) to go to the gym, then shower, then work, then lunch, then more work, then home, then new episode of Jersey Shore!

Unless your schedule involves something out of the ordinary (shower, work, hook-up with Michelle Obama), no one cares. Sure everyone is super happy that you can function like a normal human being, but no one is going to give you gold stars for managing to complete basic human functions. So unless you would like to openly invite a stalker into your life, quit letting everyone know your second to millisecond schedule.

3 Bodily functions
Brendan regrets drinking that keg of coffee yesterday, can’t move more than 5 feet from this toilet.

Unless your doctor writes prescriptions based on your Twitter updates, there is no need for this level of over-sharing. No one wants to hear when you have the Pepto Bismol rundown (cue the music: heartburn, nausea, indigestion, diarrhea). Not to mention you lose huge “I’m so sick” credibility when you’re clearly well enough to type a coherent sentence on Twitter.

2 Level of drunkery
Alissa is cracking up that she blacked out at her company holiday party

This would be a wildly cool status if we were still in high school and people still drew penises on your forehead when you were drunk. But, unfortunately you’re an adult now and the people around you expect you to be able to drink without ending the night riding in an ambulance. Have some respect for yourself and use your status to draw attention away from yourself and onto someone else’s drunken behavior.

1 Messages to celebs/athletes/musicians
Sam says shame on you Jon Gosselin.

Unless you’re one of Kate Gosselin’s 29 children, it’s highly unlikely she’s reading your Facebook status. In fact, there’s a pretty strong likelihood that she has no idea that you even exist. Instead save your knack for online lecturing to make your friends feel bad about themselves. Nothing makes people engage in a little self reflection like a “Laura, you were a massive bitch last night” status.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Do you ever wish you didn’t waste so much time on Facebook? Then congratulations, idiot, you lost a battle of wills with a page of text. Your only hope is that other people are even more tragic, and they are! At least when you waste years of your life without moving around it’s voluntary – these idiots Facebooked their way right into prison.

5 Poked into Prison
A Tennessee woman has been jailed for poking someone, unfortunately not the first charge of a new “Stop being such a waste of time” law. Shannon Jackson decided that the always-wrong “the internet isn’t real” attitude applied to restraining orders which say “Absolutely no communication of any kind.” She was prosecutably wrong.

It’s easy to see her mistake; a poke doesn’t communicate any useful information, so she thought it didn’t count. But it does communicate annoyance, as well as “I’m absolutely worthless, can’t think of anything to say other than I want to bother you, and in this case am clinically incapable of understanding legal instructions.” She was arrested and is now awaiting a court appearance which could land her up to a year in jail.

4 The Spam King
If you’ve ever been redirected to an uncloseable pop-under spam-sex-and-gambling site you’ve already met Sanford Wallace. So you’ll be pleased to know he might end up in jail – where unwanted intrusions into your personal space are far more pressing and Assblaster Jake doesn’t ask “Are you sure you want to quit?”. Facebook has won a judgment of almost quarter of a billion dollars against him and Online Turbo Merchant*, and since he knows how to abuse systems with codes – he’s already filed for bankruptcy – they’re also prosecuting him for contempt of court to put him behind bars.

*The name of his company, and the absolute best way to describe an internet masturbator we’ve ever heard.

The contempt charge dates back to a 2006 conviction where he was ordered to pay one point seven five million dollars but got out of it by – no shit – saying “I can’t pay that, honest.” Try that next time you get fined. They were instead ordered never to hack peoples’ computers again which, considering how that was already illegal the first time they did it, was like dropping a lion off at the playground and sternly saying “No repeat of last time!” in sign language.

3 Burglar Is: In Your House!
It’s important to log out when you’re using a shared computer, especially when the owner doesn’t know they’re sharing it. It’s even more important when that’s because you’ve broken into their house to steal three thousand dollars worth of diamond rings. In fact it moves past “important” and into “Write it on the back of your hand underneath the reminder to breathe.”

Pennsylvanian Jonathan Parker apparently didn’t have any marker left that night, or was busy sniffing them, leaving his account page open on a computer in the house he’d just burgled. This raises a number of important questions, like “How did somebody that dumb learn how to read?”

2 Gun Crime
Scumbag stupidity doesn’t just save police time, it even employs them: Police in England are advertising for a “Gang Enforcement Team Researcher” who’ll be paid thirty thousand dollars a year to send idiots online to jail. We’d do it for free, especially when it’s second-amendment-screwing samples like this:

Even better, he lives in a country without that action-packed amendment so this photo alone was enough to jail him. It proves he can’t even be trusted with a choice of pants, let alone a shotgun.

1 Escaped to Mexico, Facebooked to Jail
Maxi Sopo had, as well as an unfortunately tampon-style name, pulled off an actual classic criminal escape. After conning Seattle banks for hundreds of thousands of dollars he drove to Mexico before authorities could catch up with him, and there spent his ill-gotten gains on an apartment and a party lifestyle in Cancun’s nightclubs. How do we – and the Justice Department – know this? Because he added them on Facebook and told them.

Maxi added another Cancun clubber to his Facebook friends list, apparently under the impression that no-one connected with justice ever enjoys themselves in any way. When the official realized that he’d been status-messaged by an escaped felon he assisted in a spectacular sting operation leading to an explosive final showdown on a luxury yacht. No, wait, he just asked “Where do you live?” and Maxi told him. Police become involved shortly thereafter.

The idea began with Jim in January of this year. Jim claims the premise is simple with the site’s tagline saying that he’s “just trying to make some cool pancakes for [his daughter].”

I don’t even have kids and I already feel like my kids would be way better off being adopted by Jim than having to deal with my inadequacies. The best I could do is slathering pancake batter onto dinosaur bones I stole from the museum. While there’s a chance they may be delicious, it’s more likely going to just lead to problems and bizarre Flintstones-esque diseases.

We picked out a couple more of our favorites below, but go to Jim’s site immediately to see a whole lot more creative pancake designs.

Oh, Craig Newmark, what greatness you have unleashed upon the world with your infamous List. That glorious site you got going in the mid-90s—with a design that hasn’t been messed with since—is the go-to community forum for us e’ryday folk looking for gigs, free sh-t, and maybe even a cheap, uninfected sofa or mattress on an especially good day. Better than that: Craigslist has provided us with hours of entertainment as we read people’s always-mysterious posts. From our countless hours of observations, here are some characters we think partake in the Craigslist soap opera. We want to hear any contributions or great stories in the comments section because we’re sure you have them.

8 Any Computer-Literate Person Seeking Housing
Let’s begin with the most pertinent millennial question that pertains to every young-adult: Does anyone start looking for a place not using Craigslist? Realtors are for old people who pay uniformed laborers to clean their toilet and mow their lawn, so hey, why not pay some jerk to look for a place for you to call home? Those signs with the little tear-off numbers or Finder catalogues: So 1994. Click on Craigslist for an infinite number of potential places to live, accompanied with janky pictures and layman descriptions. Just be prepped to enter with caution and a list of possible excuses if scoping out a shared spot—especially if you responded to, “I’m looking for another freak to live with—NO PREPPY PEOPLE,” as one post read.

7 A–holes Who Can’t Take Care of Animals
Along with car parts, desks, and futons, there are many-a-people selling their pets on Craigslist. While this is good for someone who’s say, always wanted a stupid sugar glider but didn’t want to shell out $400 at the pet store, the depressing fact is that a lot of these dopes most likely bought that cute pet like they would buy a coffee table. When these new life-owners get home and realize, like-oh-my-god an animal requires food, the vet, and time, they sell their lil’ guy to another douche on Craigslist. Consider being that douche next time you want a pet. (We were court-ordered to do charity work, so this counts as an hour, by the way.) We also found posts for doggie tutus and doggie diapers, if you’re interested in adorning your new critter.

6 Semi-Desperate Job Seekers
Whether you’re unemployed, in a position you loathe, or a newcomer to your current city, rummaging through the Jobs or Gigs sections on Craigslist is a common activity, but it doesn’t come without that small, tingling sense of desperation every job seeker feels. Hey, we’ve all been there. The difference between Craigslist and other more reputable job-searching sites (see below for this reasoning): rifling through all the posts, wondering what’s legit and what’s not, cringing at spelling errors, typos, and abnormal statements meant for clarification such as “NOT A STRIPPER POSITION,” or, “Who WON’T be good for this job: PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIKE PEOPLE.” Not that desperate, thanks.

5 Potential Employers Who Don’t Want to Pay for More Legit Sites
Every section in Craigslist isn’t a free-for-all—the Jobs section will cost employers a whopping $25 to post wanted ads in most cities. To post in Gigs is free. Cheap fees compared to the hundreds of dollars, and usually some form of subscription service of the other job-searching sites. This inexpensive posting price causes a semi-sweet paradox in which the possibilities of jobs seem endless—but these posts may or may not include people looking for your semen or for you to pour drinks shirtless at their BYOB private swinger party (we didn’t make these up).

4 Lonely “Looking For (INSERT VAGUE STATEMENT)” Lovers
You see a sexy stranger on the subway. In the moment, you can’t bring yourself to say anything to them—you’d have to be pretty hammered to muster up that sort of courage. Instead, you think about this person all day (and how you wish you were drunk) and pour your heart out in a post in a Missed Connections on Craigslist. No matter how sweet you are, it always comes off as pathetic. And posters commonly recognize this, beginning many posts with, “I wouldn’t normally do something like this,” or “I feel like a loser resorting to this.” The rest of the post follows this format: “You were in a phone booth in Central Park (LOCATION). You were so sexy (COMPLIMENT YOU’D HAVE TO BE DRUNK TO SAY OUT LOUD). We met eyes (OVERANALYZATION OF WHAT PROBABLY HAPPENED). Tell me what I was holding (A REQUEST FOR A SPECIFICITY, AS THIS PERSON DOESN’T WANT TO RECEIVE SPAM FROM ESCORTS). I’d love to get to know you better (REQUEST FOR SEX AND/OR PARTNERSHIP).” Missed connections are always vague, with an unofficially calculated two percent success rate.

3 Kinky Nymphos
What’s the best way to tell your girlfriend what turns you on most is spitting all over her body and then having her “return the favor”? What about having her throw you in a cage and humiliate you by yelling demeaning obscenities while you mow down scraps from a dog bowl? Well, you’re in luck, fella… with Craigslist, you don’t have to say a damn thing! Merely post a request and voila! Plenty of willing phlegm-hawking or S&M participants are right at your fingertips. We’re guessing it won’t be your girlfriend, but then again she’d probably want to break up with you if she knew you were such a kinky freak. You might as well be anonymous and spare your dignity (sort of). These types are double- and triple- posters, causing us to question the success rate.

2 …Who are Probably More Craigslist Killers
Even though that crazy med-school guy from Boston influenced good ol’ Mr. Newmark to delete the “Exotic Services” section from his site, there are, no doubt, more American Psychos looking for “just a massage from a college co-ed” somewhere on Craigslist. Proceed with even more caution (and maybe an armed, obese bodyguard) than while house hunting if you’re looking for some easy cash in Adult Gigs. You never know how insane a person can be—until they take out their repressed rage on an innocent stranger.

1 Oh, and Prostitutes
Just like tanning salons and hair gel companies know they’ll get great business in Jersey, Craigslist is like a magnet for erotic providers. Posing for a threesome of a painting or blowing snot and then literally stepping on some middle-aged dude who has too much money to throw around would be an interesting way to pay the bills, we suppose. At least you’re not sitting in a cubicle. But be sure to take our man Craig’s forewarning that “safer sex… reduces the risk of contracting STDs,” advice to heart. As many posters are looking for a participant who is both “open minded” and “disease free,” not wrapping it could totally cut down on profits.

A CROSSWORD fan aged 89 used an internet search to solve a clue about a donkey – and was bombarded with hard-core porn.

Jack Sedgewick got stuck on 14 across: “Wild asian ass.”

The great-grandad typed “asian ass” into Yahoo’s search engine in the hope of finding the answer to the newspaper poser.

Ex-engineer Jack said: “I was shaken. The images were horrendous. I didn’t know this sort of stuff existed.”

Web porn? But I was only after wild Asian ass [The Sun]

We all do dumb things. Some of us do some very, very dumb things. And unfortunately, everybody has a camera on their phone these days meaning you are always being watched. Then when you factor in the fact that a good portion of the world is involved in some sort of social media…you realize there’s a good chance your worst and most embarrassing moments could show up online for the whole world to see. Not a good thing when you realize that universities and employers are starting to use social media sites to makes decisions on hiring people for jobs and accepting people into colleges. So it may be a good idea to check your profiles and hide any of the following types of pictures.

7 That one where you are completely wasted
Everyone has a friend that likes to take pictures at, well, an inopportune time. Most of us have a spring break or two where we may have a bottle of Jose Cuervo and a sombrero on and we’re funneling beer through a bong. Embarrassing indeed. But the several pics after that where you are throwing-up on yourself, a fraternity brother, or the shoes of a law enforcement agent are the ones that are really going to get you into trouble. Those pics will keep you from getting a job or get you cut-off from your family. If you are going to drink, keep Ansel Adams over there from getting too click-happy.

6 That one where you are doing something illegal
There are a lot of laws in this world; some would argue that there are too many, but they are laws nonetheless. So when you are stealing street signs, TP-ing the house of that teacher everyone hates or taking a car that may not be your own for a joyride– make sure that Exhibit-A isn’t a photo from a Kodak camera. As far as we know, that gun is legally registered. Nobody needs any evidence of that mysterious dairy fire coming to light on your Facebook page, so if you are thinking of breaking the law then it may be wise to enforce the “No flash photography” rule.

5 That one where you are groping a girl that isn’t you girlfriend/boyfriend
Hey, you’re somewhere without your significant other and you are having a good time! Maybe you are just chilling and minding your own business and some girl comes and sits on your lap. Maybe the 6 shot of tequila you had in the last 10 minutes causes you to get a little handsier than you would usually be. Or maybe those shots give her a chance to get a little handsier than you would usually let her be (you know it happens ladies); either way, pictures like that don’t lead to excuses, they lead to break-ups and black eyes. No matter who is at fault, life is always easier if there is no photographic evidence of tequila drinking.

4 That one where you are naked
This is a no-brainer. Unless you are getting paid really good money, almost no one wants to have naked pictures of themselves posted online. It may sound like a good idea to take nude pics with your current girlfriend/boyfriend, but what happens when you get into a huge fight and end up breaking things off in an ugly fashion. You get every celebrity sex tape that has ever existed. You should never take “sexy” pics on a digital camera unless you want them to end up on the internet somewhere. It’s science.

3 The one where you are doing drugs
Sure, this falls in the “illegal” category I talked about before, but you’d be surprised (maybe not) at how many people on Facebook have pictures of themselves smoking pot or using some sort of illicit substance. To some folks it doesn’t feel like they are breaking the law because they aren’t getting caught, but if those pictures are public and something bad goes down, your Facebook account is going to become Exhibit B. I’m guessing that police (especially campus police) are probably perusing different social media accounts looking for folks who are being a little too blase about their drug use. If you have pics of you with a blunt in your hand, it’s probably only a matter of time until those pictures come back and bite you in the butt.

2 That one where you are where you aren’t supposed to be
Remember when you told your girlfriend and your parents that you were going on a mission trip to Guatemala over break and you ended up going on that secret trip to the Bahamas? Nobody was supposed to tell anybody about that. But come on guy, did you really think a few pictures wouldn’t leak out? That night you were supposed to go to go see your girlfriend’s sister in Les Mis and you were suddenly too sick to go, but weren’t too sick to go to Happy Hour to watch Monday Night Football? There is no worse way to find out that a person was lying to you than seeing a picture of them in said lie having a great time. It’s just insult to injury and you will feel the wrath of a woman scorned. You can expect it will be very, very ugly.

1 The one where you look like a Swiss bank
Have you ever seen those people who are showing off massive stacks of cash in their profile pictures? You don’t know how they got all that cash, but you suspect that maybe it wasn’t completely by legal means. Then you looks to see that said person has their address and phone number listed on their profile. I’m guessing the IRS may have a few questions for that guy (especially if he makes someone mad and they use the pic to narc on him). You may say, “Hey, they wouldn’t do something like that.” And I will remind you that they are the IRS. They would do something exactly like that.

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Note how I said “for some reason” above like I didn’t know what that reason was. And clearly the Bodyrock.TV people know what’s up too. See, for example, this video of Zuzana and bananas. Or this video of Zuzana doing something called “booty punishment,” which sounds like Max Hardcore’s newest series for the man with the disgustingly violent sophisticated fapping palate.

Anyway, try the workout. If you end up looking like Zuzana, let us know. Even if you’re a dude. They don’t make masking tape for nothing.

335,080 views in two days… Fitness Workout or Fappin’ Workout? [Reddit]

People showed up and took the stuff that was set out. However, they also broke into the house and ripped off other stuff — stuff that she didn’t want to get rid of. Thieves took all kinds of stuff, including her dishwasher and her stove.

Police say it’s unlikely she will ever get anything back because this is such a tough thing to investigate.

“If an individual shows up and they’ve responded to this ad that says come get free stuff, and another person who is already there who is also loading up stuff and says, ‘Hey, the house is open and I think everything inside can go, too,’ then how do you prove intent from the individual who shows up being told that?” asked Springfield Police Maj. Kevin Routh.

“They had to go through two locked doors to get in there,” said Hunter. “There definitely have to be people who are targeting craigslist as a chance to go steal stuff.”

Well, now we know. So for those keeping tabs at home, you should not go to Craigslist looking for an orgy or for charitable giveaways. However, if you want to find a mediocre guitarist to complete your album, “Love Songs in the Key of Steve,” then please, by all means, go right ahead.

This is really why you should avoid giving anything away to anyone though. People love being selfless and whatever, but, in reality, if you give people an inch, they will always take a mile. That’s exactly why you should tie a string to your dollar when giving it to the homeless. Sure, they can’t buy themselves a sandwich (whiskey) but with one tug, they learn a whole lot about how fleeting success can be.

Woman from Springfield MO offers warning about how not to use craigslist [KY3]

Police say a bogus ad for group sex led to the arrest of a man who allegedly entered the wrong house and groped an 18-year-old woman.

Richard Zeh, 29, of Newington was responding to the Craigslist ad yesterday when he let himself into the wrong house, where the woman repeatedly asked him to leave, police said.

Zeh then went to the address in the ad, but was told to leave by residents who say they didn’t place it, police said. Zeh then went back to the woman’s house and allegedly groped her, police said.

Zeh was charged with misdemeanor sexual assault, burglary, and a couple other crimes, one of which I have to assume was two counts of “Being a Silly Goose.”

No offense to this guy, whom I’m sure is a real class act, but you can’t just go through life knocking on doors with your junk in your hand just because someone said it was cool on Craigslist. And then, if you’re told you went to the wrong place, coming back to break in and forcibly grope someone certainly isn’t going to help things, even if it does briefly make you feel less silly. You can’t trust Craigslist like that, man. If you can’t even buy a reputable couch on a Web site, you probably shouldn’t be expecting a house filled with women ready to pleasure you. Though, ironically, there’s a decent chance that already happened on the aforementioned couch.

Cops: Man went to wrong house for ‘group sex’ [CTPost]
Image Credit

About 1,000 Utahns were told to join the “war on pornography” Saturday at a conference aimed at teaching them how to protect themselves and their children against it or how to get help if they are addicted.

“Internet pornography is the sexual revolution times 1,000,” said Patrick Trueman, former chief of the U.S. Department of Justice’s Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section Criminal Division under President Reagan and President George H.W. Bush.

He urged listeners to lobby politicians to enforce the federal laws that already exist against hotels, cable and satellite companies providing hard-core pornography. And he told parents to use computer filters.

Without one, “you might as well say to your kids, ‘Anything goes. We don’t love you enough to protect you.’

“What’s more damaging to a child, a handgun or a computer?” he rhetorically asked. “A handgun may not be loaded. The computer is loaded; it’s loaded to the hilt.”

Internet porn is ‘sexual revolution times 1,000,’ ex-official says [Salt Lake Tribune]

The rare spirits that went under the gavel at a recent online auction in New Zealand weren’t aged brandies or hard-to-find liqueurs.

Instead, two glass vials purportedly containing the ghosts of two dead people sold for $2,830 New Zealand dollars ($1,983) at an auction that ended Monday night.

The “ghosts” were put up for bidding by Avie Woodbury from the southern city of Christchurch. She said they were captured in her house and stored in glass vials with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which she says “dulls the spirits’ energy.”

She said they were the spirits of an old man who lived in the house during the 1920s, and a powerful, disruptive little girl who turned up after a session with a spirit-calling Ouija board. Since an exorcism at the property last July led to their capture, there has been no further spooky activity in the house, she said.

New Zealand woman sells souls to highest bidder [Associated Press]

Unfortunately, it’s not a real kid but just someone from 4chan streaming a video of a kid they found online. But still, how awesome was that? Only way it’d be more awesome is if it were the “kid” connecting with a guy stroking his erection, which happens literally 40% of the time on Chatroulette. I could imagine there’d be nothing more satisfying in life than having to watch someone sadly put their erect penis away, perhaps reaching the stark realization that their life is in shambles. It’d be nice to be on the other side of that for once.

Click for full-size

Well, it’s long been thought that Jews control the media so it makes sense that they would be the ones to make us fear sharks. But what do they have to gain from it? The answer: Shark Week. Jews love Shark Week. Matzo ball soup and Shark Week, really those two things. Pretty sure that was Chapter Two in the Torah. Right after that part about how to get good at managing finances and why penises look the Unibomber when they have foreskin.

No Google, I did not mean that! [Reddit]

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The only reason I could see growing up and finding yourself interested in feet that look like those would be if you accidentally popped a tent while watching Fred drive his car on “The Flintstones.” I mean of all the things to want in your face, feet that look like they were picked overly ripe from the gravel mines don’t come top of mind to me. Plus her big toe looks like either the most disgusting toe in history or the greatest chicken nugget I’ve ever seen. It’d be sexier to have a really aggressive mule serving as your fluffer.

2010-01-22 16.15.46 [Sothpaw1's Flickr via Reddit]

A teenager received a suspended jail sentence for posting insulting comments on a romantic rival’s Facebook page, the latest case bringing Indonesia’s tough defamation laws under criticism.

Farah Nur Arafah, 18, was convicted Tuesday by three District Court judges in the town of Bogor, 35 miles (60 kilometers) south of Jakarta, of defaming her 18-year-old Facebook friend Felly Fandini. Arafah feared Fandini was attempting to sour the relationship with her boyfriend.

Arahaf’s posting in July last year called Fandini a pig and a dog, as well as saying she was promiscuous and overweight.

Presiding judge Ekofa Rahayu sentenced her to 75 days in prison, but suspended the sentence because Arafah cooperated during her trial. She must serve the sentence if she breaks the law in the next five months.

Arafah said her brush with the law had not put her off Facebook. “But I’ll be more careful about what comments I post,” she told The Jakarta Post newspaper.

Indonesian teenager convicted for Facebook insult [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

A CATHOLIC school student has been “dealt with” after he set up a Facebook page that appeared to advocate killing prostitutes.

The page, called “Killing your hooker so you don’t have to pay her”, has now been removed by Facebook but not before almost 18,000 people joined the site.

The principal of St Laurence’s College in Queensland, Ian McDonald, confirmed a student from the school had been disciplined over the creation of the page.

“It has been sorted out and the boy has been dealt with,” Mr McDonald said.

“The student told us, of course, he didn’t believe what was on there and he did something stupid.”

Well, I guess technically this is a stupid thing to do. Kind of funny, but stupid. That said, I’m not sure joking about killing hookers so you don’t have to pay them is such a massive taboo. If you can do something in an extremely popular series of video games that dominate pop culture, it’s not such a big deal. Which is why I don’t get why I would get such dirty looks from people when I’d pop mushrooms and stomp turtles to death.

St Laurence’s College student disciplined after setting up ‘kill hookers’ Facebook page [News.net.au]

“We’ve made requests for the removal of 30 sites and they’ve responded to do that positively, with no single refusal,” [Justice Secretary Jack Straw] said.

Mr Straw was talking after meeting families who claimed their loved ones’ killers were taunting them via the internet.

A man who murdered a 16-year-old boy in London reportedly wrote on Facebook that he was “down but not out” and added that he wanted a remote control so he could “mute or delete people when I need to”.

On another page, a prisoner boasted that he would be home one day “and I can’t wait to look into certain people’s eyes and see the fear of me being there”.

Yeah, so this is pretty much not okay. I’m all for basking in your accomplishments when you achieve a long-term goal, but when that goal involved shanking a guy a over an ounce of coke, you may want to keep your joy to yourself.

That said, I really think this is Facebook and the victims’ fault. It’s pretty much established that a guy who’d murder someone isn’t what most of us would consider a “good guy,” so why friend him in the first place, victims? And Facebook, I blame you too. Sure you’ve done a great job making connecting to others accessible. But maybe you shouldn’t allow people to send a knife as a “gift” or perhaps you should ban the “I Killed Your Loved One and Now Want to Remind You of It…Also: I Sent You a Hug!” application.

Door shut on prisoner Facebook taunts [ABC.net.au]

The Internet is a wacky place where anything can happen at any time. No one would have guessed that Ashton Kutcher would get a large Twitter following. It never even crossed people’s minds that Perez Hilton could make millions drawing penises on celebrities. And never in a million years did people think Craigslist would serve as a place to buy used furniture as well as murder a prostitute. Thankfully for all of us, there are a group of dedicated online commenters who troll the internet (pro bono!) for bad content and punish it with honest comments, vulgar language, and the occasional usage of the c-word.

Here are some simple guidelines for bloggers if they desire to keep their self-esteem:

1 Generalizations

Generalizations, no matter how true, will get you in trouble. Sure it might be true in 99% of cases that all men pee standing up. But type that on your Web site and you’ll have the Men-who-do-it-sitting-down group ripping your throat out for your lack of compassion and understanding.

2 Sarcasm

Sarcasm gets wildly misunderstood online. You’ll have better luck having people translate your blog from Polish to English, than having them translate from sarcastic to what you’re actually saying. Don’t even attempt it unless you want Internet commenters knocking down your front door with a log yelling “kill the beast.”

3 Speaking without Credentials

Don’t make medical statements if you’re not a doctor, don’t make scientific statements if you’re not a scientist, and under no circumstance make celebrity comments if you’re not TMZ. You are unqualified to have an opinion and frankly it’s a little disturbing that you thought you did. Start every single sentence with “in my personal opinion.”

4 Relationship Advice

Never ever try to give insight from your personal experiences… because you’re wrong. The second you even type “Try to resist calling your girlfriend fat,” you’ll get commenters telling you that you’re obviously fat (“ur clearly obese”), ugly (“u must b that gurl that wears a bag over her head”), and undesirable (“I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole”). And while you may not want to be touched with any kind of pole, let alone a ten foot one, it’s best if you just write about neutral topics like potato growing season or abortion.

5 Exaggeration

Exaggeration often gets misunderstood in blogs and people are quick to correct you when you say something like “The war in Iraq has been raging for a gajillion years.” You would be surprised how many historians not only read blogs, but also feel the need to gently point out it has not actually been a gajillion years. And by gently I’m referring to comments that start off with “u F*cking idiot c*ntbag, America hasn’t been around 4 gajillion years, how could the war have started then. you’re a loser douche.”

6 Social Media Criticism

Discussing Social Media is an extremely touchy subject because people really disagree on whether or not it’s okay to use a childhood bath-time photo as a profile picture. No one likes to be told that they shouldn’t use Twitter as their personal diary. And god help the blogger who insults Myspace members because they’ll come crawling out of the woodwork (and their prison cells) to defend themselves.

7 Lists

Lists are considered an amateur way of distributing information online as well as in person. You would never be friends with someone who started every conversation with “6 things I accomplished today.” Some go as far as to claim they’re created purely to get more clicks on a blog. After all, no one can resist reading “10 easy ways to make your Girlfriend’s boobs bigger.” Hope springs eternal.

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