Honestly, it sucks that he died poor and isolated from the world after being one of the biggest and most influential acts in the world. All joking aside, I don’t know that I ever truly bought that he was some brilliant child molester who was somehow faking being batcrap crazy to gain access to more boys’ underpants. This is what can happen when you strip a child of his innocence and force him to perform and lose the experience of actually being a child.

The biggest joke of all though is the media and people who were the first ones to call the guy a freak and a weirdo and mock him being broke acting like they give a crap now. You can’t beat a guy to the point that he’s literally got to pop a bunch of pills to numb the pain enough to exist, then turn around and treat him as though you’ve always held him in the highest esteem after he dies. You can remember Michael Jackson as a polarizing figure and someone who didn’t make the best choices in life, you can love his music and cling to that. But the media and regular people acting like they give a crap now after slinging arrows and not caring for years is the biggest joke of all. Stop marrying yourselves to tragedy and putting these people on a pedestal like you weren’t trying to tear them down for literally almost 20 years.

Here’s a collection of Michael Jackson jokes from late-night hosts. Here’s a link to Michael Jackson’s Thriller music video (which, while somewhat ironic now) is still one of the best videos ever made. That’s an even-handed way to remember someone who’s the closest thing to a Greek tragedy to ever be a part of pop culture.

Also here’s my jokes, via my Twitter:

Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart?
-He heard they had boys pants half off. And a buy 1 get 1 free sale on tires for dead guys.

As a tribute to Michael Jackson, Chris Brown is going to punch a young boy in the face today instead of a woman.

I’m typically fairly apolitical here. I liked Barack Obama at first but it’s been pretty much politics as usual with everything he’s done. I’m not in favor of obscene tax cuts for the wealthy, but I also hate losing most of my money to the government and crap I don’t care about. But one thing I absolutely am conservative on is torture of terrorists and presumed terrorists. I was in NYC during 9/11, I remember the panic and the terror. I remember how patriotic everyone was, how in favor of war, whatever everyone was. Just because this war turned to crap doesn’t mean that we should forget that. To empathize with people who, frankly, deserve worse than torture is the reason to hate people like Keith Olbermann. They’ve done horrible things to our soldiers, our tourists, our civilians. They’re not playing by our rules, but in our quest to appear “better than it” in some sort of liberal white guilt thing, we can’t do anything bad to them. They’re “savages” and we’re enlightened people. So we have to lightly prod them while flashing the lights on and off in the hopes that they reveal all of their secrets. It’s such a travesty.

So to compensate for our complete lack of justified torture, I’m going to stick my dick in the ear of the next Arab cab driver I have. We can win this war if we just all do our parts.

Natalie Dylan, a 22-year-old San Diego woman, said she got the idea for the auction after her sister was able to pay for her college education after prostituting herself for three weeks, according to the London Telegraph.

Dylan has a degree in women’s studies. She told the paper she hopes to pay for an advanced degree in family and marriage therapy with the proceeds from the auction.

She told the Telegraph that she doesn’t think she’s the only one who will be benefit from the auction.

“I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal,” Dylan told the paper.

It’s ridiculous to me that it’s taking this long for her to receive a gentleman caller in her reproductive orifice. If it were me and I offered $3.8 million to some girl looking to sell her virginity and she took literally months to get around to telling me yes or no, I’d probably be a bit insulted (and would probably console myself by building myself a new woman with all the money I have lying around for frivolous ventures, part of the fundraising work by my team at Shitty Investments Capital). There are gorgeous non-professional-whoring women on the street whom you could offer that money too and they’d probably end up giving you a rimjob wherever you please just to sniff your bank statements.

All I’m saying is put up or shut up Natalie Dylan. Only you could find a way to make the idea of a 22 year-old college girl getting ravaged by a strange man for the first time into an utterly annoying process.

[quote via]