Guyism » Tom Cruise

7 actors who have no credibility left

Neil Bulson — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:00:50 +0000

The life of a movie star can be a complicated one. One day you’re beloved by everyone and the next you’re hopping on a couch in front of a terrified Oprah and nobody can watch any of your movies anymore without laughing for all the wrong reasons. It happens. All too often. Hence, this list. Some of the actors and actresses on this list have lost whatever credibility they had simply because it’s become clear to everybody that they are as good an actor as Helen Keller was an opera singer. Still others have lost all semblance of credibility because their private lives have become so weird and/or ridiculous that it’s become impossible to watch them without thinking of how stupid the whole damn thing has gotten. Whatever the reason, the one thing all of these seven actors and actresses have in common is that none of them have any credibility left.

7 Steven Seagal
Granted, Steven Seagal has always been pretty ridiculous. Once upon a time, that was part of his charm. But there is the kind of ridiculous that makes people cheer for you while you’re snapping the arm of Tommy Lee Jones or sparring with Gary Busey on a giant battleship and then there is the kind of ridiculous that makes people wonder if you’re legitimately insane because you’re wandering around in a giant dashiki sexually harassing costars a third of your age or fighting pit bulls and crackheads on some shitty reality show. And sadly for Steven Seagal, he crossed the line separating those two shades of ridiculousness a long time ago. Today, if you see his name attached to anything – movie, TV show, a string of misguided and discontinued sex toys – you can be assured that the only thing you’ll want to see snapped is your own neck so you don’t have to spend all your time being tortured by Seagal being, well, Steven Seagal.

6 Kevin Costner
I know it’s hard to believe but once upon a time Kevin Costner was one of the biggest movie stars in the world. It’s true. Following the success of Dances With Wolves and the epic success of his ridiculous version of Robin Hood, it seemed like Costner could do no wrong. Well, other than try to speak with an English accent, but people seemed willing to let that slide. Then came Waterworld. Then The Postman. And then? Well, suddenly the fact that Costner couldn’t really act was a little more difficult to overlook. I mean, seriously, when’s the last time that Costner even showed up in anything the least bit noteworthy? As a leading man, his credibility is not only gone it’s been obliterated and then pissed on by a gang of diseased goats. At best he’s a character actor now, which wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that, again, the dude really can’t act. So what’s left? For Costner, I guess all that’s left is sitting in a dark room, drunk, watching Bull Durham over and over again and wondering where it all went wrong. Either that, or swimming in a pile full of money like Scrooge McDuck. So, yeah, we shouldn’t feel bad for Costner. Feel bad for me. I’ve actually watched both Waterworld and The Postman, which I’m pretty sure means that Veteran’s Day was my holiday.

5 Nicolas Cage
Poor Nicolas Cage is a victim of a combination of factors which have sunk the last vestiges of his credibility. First of all, his tendency to overact his ass off has left him a caricature of himself, a manic weirdo who chews so much scenery that even Al Pacino thinks he needs to calm down. Second, the dude has picked some astoundingly awful movies to star in. If you don’t believe me, here is the list of movies that he has starred in over the last decade:

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Christmas Carol: The Movie, Windtalkers, Sonny, Adaptation (the one truly good movie in the whole damn decade), Matchstick Men, National Treasure, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The Ant Bully, World Trade Center, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, a cameo in Grindhouse, Next, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Bangkok Dangerous, Knowing, G-Force, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, Astro Boy, Kick-Ass, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Season of the Witch, Drive Angry, Seeking Justice, and Trespass.

Jesus! Other than Adaptation, and a handful of half-decent dramas and modest hits, the only movies that Nicolas Cage has starred in over the last decade have been Gigli level bombs or shitty popcorn flicks for Disney. This dude once won an Oscar! Just look at that list again. I shouldn’t even have to continue. But I will, since I’m a professional. Aside from his hilariously awful career choices, the dude’s public image has also been ruined by the fact that he’s, well, weird as hell, he gives his kids dumb comic book names and he’s wasted all of his money on crazy shit like gold plated mustache combs and locks of hair from the original Superman actor. I’m not sure if either of those are actually true, but they might as well be. And to top it all off, now his adult son is running around karate kicking lampposts and getting the shit beaten out of him on the sidewalk by everyone from his personal trainer to his own wife. Add everything I just wrote up and it’s no wonder that everyone laughs when they see Nicolas Cage and his flyaway hair pop up on the big screen.

4 George Lucas
Okay, technically George Lucas isn’t an actor but he still belongs on this list because let’s face it, whenever the dude’s name pops up on the big screen, it either elicits one of two reactions: either there is a sense of excited awe coming from true believer nerd types who refuse to admit that George Lucas has spent the better part of the last decade and a half bending them over and extracting money from their asses like they were some kind of demented ATM machines, or there is barely suppressed laughter and derisive groans from everyone else. This is because Lucas just can’t leave well enough alone and in his endless pursuit for technological perfection (aka money) he has subjected us to everything from Jar-Jar Binks to recut after recut of Star Wars, just because he feels like you should pay another twenty bucks to see nipples on the Ewoks this time or Jabba sing show tunes. His utter willingness to market complete crap has become so obvious and so ridiculous that no one can take him seriously anymore, and so when his name pops up in a trailer, rather than movie magic, the only thing most people are picturing is a giant Jar-Jar Binks gibbering at them like some nightmare from hell. And that’s why he’s on this list.

3 Lindsay Lohan
Come on, just look at the picture. That’s her trying to look good for a court appearance. I’ve seen meth heads that can pull it together better than that. It’s gotten so bad that reportedly after her Playboy shoot, Hugh Hefner looked at the pictures and basically said “Uh, I think we need a do over here,” and that dude is so old, senile and horny that he’d probably try to bone Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse. To put it another way: Lindsay Lohan is too strung out and beaten up for porn. I don’t need to say anything else, do I?

2 Mel Gibson
There is probably not another movie star more toxic than Mel Gibson right now. This is what happens when you go on an epic bender that sees you repeatedly insult Jews, sexually harass a friggin’ police officer, slap around your baby mama and the baby, demand blow jobs from said slapped around baby mama and then threaten arson. I know that sounds wildly implausible and completely outrageous but for Mel Gibson, that’s just his normal Thursday routine at this point. And everybody knows it. If they made another Lethal Weapon movie I’d be terrified that he’d start making racist comments towards Danny Glover and then would set him on fire, ranting and raving about blow jobs the whole time. Look, I just don’t want to risk a scene which sees Riggs accuse Joe Pesci of killing Jesus before freaking out and punching one of Murtaugh’s kids because they ran out of vodka on the set. And I think I’m not alone in this and that’s why Mel Gibson is so high on this list.

1 Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise isn’t as toxic as Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson, and he can still at least get movies made, so why is he number one on this list? Because he has the unique fortune to not only be responsible for destroying his own credibility with his off the deep end couch jumping Xenu gibbering weirdness, he also destroyed the credibility of Katie Holmes. No matter how ridiculous things have gotten for the other actors on this list at least none of them dragged another actor’s career with them completely into the abyss like Cruise did with poor Katie’s career. Everyone forgets but just prior to her relationship with Cruise, Katie Holmes was starring in the massively successful Batman Begins. A few well-executed couch jumps and an endless array of vacant what the hell happened to me looks on her face later and she’s been reduced to making her comeback in a movie opposite Adam Sandler in drag. As for Cruise himself, well, since he went completely off the deep end, he’s really only had one well received role – as a completely psychotic nutjob of a movie executive in Tropic Thunder. In other words, the only role that people will buy Cruise in anymore is as someone who is completely fucking crazy. That’s not a coincidence. For that, and for completely ruining the credibility of his own wife, Tom Cruise has earned the number one spot on this list. Congrats, Tom. Now please don’t sue me or send a team of lawyers high on Xenu blood to rough me up and pick through my trash looking for ways to ruin my life. Thanks, pal, you’re a peach.

VIDEO: ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ has a new full trailer

Douglas Charles — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 17:00:10 +0000

A new official full trailer for fourth installment of the Mission Impossible series starring Tom Cruise titled Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol has been released. The film, also starring Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton, and Ving Rhames is set to hit IMAX theaters on December 16, 2011, then make its way to regular theaters on December 21.

A terrorist bombs destroys the Kremlin while IMF agent Ethan Hunt in carrying out an operation in Moscow. The Russian government categorises the attack “as an undeclared act of war”, prompting United States government initiates a black operation know as “ghost protocol”, disavowing the entire Impossible Mission Force. Hunt and his four-man team are allowed to escape from the government’s custody as part of a plan to enable them to operate in the dark, outside of their agency. However, when the IMF is ambushed, they are forced to operate without any kind of offical support to locate Brij Nath, an intelligence source connected to the Moscow bombing and the attack on the IMF.

While the special effects and story both look like they’ll provide a fun time out at the theater, the real asset to this film appears to be Paula Patton. Here’s my official full preview of her (courtesy of Esquire).

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol [Wikipedia]

7 total chick flicks disguised as guy movies

Max Steven Miller — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 12:00:54 +0000

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Most of the time, guys can tell the difference between films geared toward them and films that are geared toward women. It’s pretty simple. We just know to stay away from any movie starring Amanda Seyfried, and instead, use that money to go see films that star Jason Statham. Every now and then though, Hollywood tries to trick us. At first glance, the films below have all of the characteristics that make them seem like guy movies (sports, sex, large objects being blown up, crazy action scenes, unbelievably hot women, etc.), but in reality, they are really just giant romantic mush-fests.

7 Slumdog Millionaire
This was an all around incredible movie. It had action, suspense, gangsters, two conflicted brothers with opposite morals, and a ridiculously hot leading lady. But after all was said and done, the film ends with romance and erupts into a giant Broadway musical with a full on dance number. That’s like ending an NBA playoff game with 10 minutes of Glee.

6 Cocktail
This film is the story of a playboy bartender, who becomes the hottest attraction in town, has the world at his fingertips, and has women literally throwing themselves at him. Every guy has wanted to be Tom Cruise in Cocktail at some point in his life. That is, until the 2nd half of the film, where…boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy loses girl, boy chases after girl, boy wins girl back, men in movie theaters everywhere cringe.

5 Coyote Ugly
What guy wouldn’t want to see a movie with 6-foot supermodels dancing half naked on a bar top? We dished out our hard earned money with hopes of experiencing a big budget Skin-emax flick, but instead we got a 90-minute LeAnn Rimes music video. Well played, Hollywood. Never again.

4 Keeping the Faith
“Oh, hey! It’s that kooky guy from There’s Something About Mary and that badass from Fight Club and American History X teaming up in a comedy as a priest and a rabbi! This is gonna be hilarious.” That’s exactly how they lured us in. As a result, we got one long religious joke, a few minutes of chuckles, and then 85 minutes of two hopeless romantics pining over an constantly-bawling Jenna Elfman.

3 Top Gun
Look at that…Tom Cruise made the list again. This movie is supposedly the epic story of a young aviator training in the Navy’s Fighter Weapon School. It actually has some pretty entertaining flight sequences, but the “greased up/shirtless in jeans volleyball” montage to Kenny Loggins’s Playing with the Boys and the love making scene to Take My Breath Away see to it that you come out of the film questioning your masculinity. That’s strike two, Cruise.
2 Pearl Harbor
Action movie fans and history buffs everywhere were anticipating this big budget blockbuster’s portrayal of the attack on Pearl Harbor. While the actual attack sequence was pretty impressive, the love triangle storyline that we had to sit through to get there was even more painful than Ben Affleck’s attempt at believable acting.

1 Jerry Maguire
Strike three. Tom Cruise deserves some sort of special witchcraft award for his consistent ability to make us believe we are sitting through a guy movie. This is his third movie on the list and it’s the best example of all. The movie starts off with sports, the business of sports, and a hot Kelly Preston sex scene. But then they throw in Renee Zellweger (whose lip pucker and squinty eyes alone have the ability to neuter a man) and a quote (“You complete me”) that makes the already-hard-enough-to-say “I love you” no longer acceptable. An hour into the movie you’ve realized you’ve been duped, but by then, it’s just too late to walk out.

10 celebrities that could be serial killers

Matt Lo Cascio — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 13:00:07 +0000

I am about to present to you 10 celebrities that could be serial killers. This is all in good fun. Well, fun for us. But if the celebs can’t take the joke, it just adds credence to my theories. But this is all parody and fantasy. The Guyism legal staff told me to write that. So in no particular order, 10 celebs that could be serial killers. But they really aren’t… or are they?

10 Quentin Tarantino
The “Mr. Obvious” of this group. He talks like one, writes like one, makes many movies about killers and most of all, he just looks like one. And he enjoys it.

9 Russell Crowe
Dude has some serious anger issues. Don’t tell me Crowe as a mass killer hasn’t crossed your mind before. Look at this picture of him. The person he’s looking at in this photo? Already dead.

8 John Turturro
Turturro is such a good actor that he even made Mr. Deeds entertaining — well, at least the scenes he was in. He’s an underrated actor too. Also, he looks rather psycho, like he might recite Shakespeare whilst removing your body parts whilst your still alive. Did Shakespeare use ‘whilst’? I kind of like it.

7 Craig Robinson
Hey man, it’s Darryl from The Office. He was in Hot Tub Time Machine. Totally hilarious. Hosted Last Comic Standing. You didn’t know that show was still on? Me neither. Dude is so funny! Also, a viable candidate for a serial killer. Dig those eyes man. You just know he has a set of power tools dedicated for you-know-what.

6 Gary Busey
Do I really need to write something here?

5 Tom Cruise
Nobody laughs like that, man. Nobody laughs like that. He’s going to take you to some secret hideout, dress up in some Eyes Wide Shut robes and start laughing. I bet it’s at that time you begin to hear all the other cries from around the room.

4 Christian Bale
You may think I’m referring to his well-played role as the psychopathic Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Nope, I’m referring to the real version of Bale, the one I envision repeatedly swinging a hatchet while intermittently yelling, “Oh goooood for yooooooou!!”

3 Matt Ross
Ross was also in American Psycho with Bale, but you may know him better as Alby Grant on HBO’s Big Love. There’s a reason Ross is cast in such roles. The reasons aren’t because he has bodies under his porch at home, but is because he looks like he does. He looks like he could pull off some Scanners mind-explosion stuff on you.

2 Mel Gibson
See: Busey, Gary.

1 Nic Cage
You wake up in a fog. Your vision is blurry and your head is pounding. You’re chained to a radiator in the corner of a room. Your tongue runs over the blood that’s caked on the corners of your mouth. You take a deep breath. Your vision clears. You look left. There’s Nic Cage smoking a cigarette, staring at you. He smiles.

The 7 most annoying props that fans use at sporting events

A. Isaac — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:00:40 +0000

Undoubtedly, you’ve had a chance to catch a World Cup game (if only for the ladies). And undoubtedly, you’ve wanted to reach your hand through the Tv and strangle every single vuvuzela blower out there. But the vuvuzela isn’t the only annoying fan prop out there. Here are a few more you’ll encounter at your next sporting event.

The Foam Finger

It’s not annoying when you see it on Tv. But when you’re parked behind a Foam Finger wagger, well then, your vision of the actual game is constantly blurred. Being in front of one isn’t a joy either as the finger constantly hits you from behind. And hey, let’s admit, no one wants to be fingered without their permission.

The Air Horn

You don’t often see these at mainstream sporting events in America. But venture to a soccer game or any other open-aired event and you’re bound to run into them. And by running into them, I of course mean some 16-year-old kid blowing this directly next to your head and rupturing your ear drum.

Cleveland Indians Drummer

Whether you’re a fan of the Indians or not, a man repeatedly banging on a drum for 9 straight innings can be quite cumbersome. His name is John Adams and he’s been doing it for over 37 years(only missed 34 games). From what we understand, he is not under the influence of any drugs. Strangely though, he does have Popeye-like forearms. Let’s just hope he only got that from drumming

The Cowbell

A staple of many college football stadiums, the Cowbell actually serves a good purpose as a way to organize fan chants. But in the hands of a child, it is a weapon of mass destruction. The constant ringing of the bell makes you want to seek out members of the Blue Oyster Cult and club them over the head with it. A sporting event is definitely one of those times where we don’t need “More Cowbell”.

Masks

At one time, this may have been a useful distraction for opponents at a game. Not too long after though, it began to mentally scar every child in the stadium. This isn’t “Eyes Wide Shut” folks and I’m definitely not Tom Cruise involved in some sexual fantasy orgy (although I’m open to new things). Keep the masks limited to Halloween, masquerade balls, and role-playing in the bedroom. Oh yea, by the way, “Fidelio”.

Thundersticks

Before the invention of the vuvuzela, this was undeniably the creme of the crop of agitating fan props. At first, it was something that was limited to fans behind the basket on free-throw attempts. Then some dumb marketer thought it would be a good idea to equip entire arenas with the name of some local advertiser. 20,000 fans banging on sticks for 3 hours? Count me out

Vuvuzela

The 2010 World Cup will probably be remembered for a lot of things. We’ve already had one of the worst goals ever given up by a keeper in international competition and more than a fair share of questionable red cards. But certainly, the constant and irritating noise the vuvuzela provides may prove to be the thing that people recall most from World Cup South Africa.

VIDEO: Tom Cruise and Jennfier Lopez had a dance-off at the MTV Movie Awards

Chris Spags — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 13:36:48 +0000

Remember when everyone went from loving Tom Cruise to hating him and thinking he was a complete lunatic? The thing most responsible for bringing him back from that abyss was his part in 2008′s “Tropic Thunder” as movie exec Les Grossman. This year, the character was brought back for the MTV Movie Awards and, as you’d expect, he got into a dance-off with Jennifer Lopez.

It’s certainly a fun little gimmick (and I was definitely impressed with some of Tom Cruise cum Grossman’s dance moves), but this little set just reeked a bit of two stars who maxed out in 1999 trying to reclaim some hint of their old glow with performance that would leave people going, “Wow, that is so fresh amidst the usual crap that is the MTV Movie Awards.” That said, if Cruise smashed J-Lo in the back of the head with the cane, and stood tall over her, I’d be cheering. It’s much less charming when a woman pushing 40 who has two kids keeps acting like her booty is the hottest ticket in the building when it’s about as appealing as Little Miss Muffet’s tuffet.

This Week in Celebrity Gossip: Angelina and… Mick??

Douglas Charles — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 15:00:09 +0000

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Angelina Jolie was nailed by none other than Mick Jagger. In a new book called Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: The True Story, author Jenny Paul alleges that Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger were getting it on while the rocker was still married to Jerry Hall. And then again six years later. So what does this do to Angie’s stock? Improve it or make you be like me and say, “Ewww…”?

Mickey Rourke recently told the UK’s Sun that he had sex with 14 women in one night. Says The Mick, “WAGs (wives and girlfriends of soccer stars) get an easy time. They should try living with Hollywood hell-raisers… British footballers have got nothing on us when it comes to women.” The guy just keeps getting better and better.

On the flip side of the coin, Gerard Butler says he ain’t gettin’ any. (Somehow I doubt that.) Gerard told Showbizspy.com: “I think I get laid less now than I used to, because I’m way more paranoid now — look at Tiger Woods!” In other words, he’s only hitting desperate Cougars like Jennifer Aniston these days, just to be safe.

Apparently Lindsay Lohan’s stupid lawsuit against E-Trade has her mother’s blessing. Shocking, I know. “They’re little babies doing this, mocking another child who’s just trying to survive Hollywood, basically,” said Dina Lohan. “I’m just basically glad I took a stand. I’m not going to let them do this to us anymore,” Dina Lohan said. “Everyone knows Lindsay, like Cher or Madonna.” Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Speaking of idiots, Lady Gaga refused to lift her veil and show her face during passport control at LAX landing her in a security room for 20 minutes. Is everyone as tired of this, how shall I put it (trying to be nice here)… moron as I am?

Demi Moore recently gave her potato head daughter Rumer some pole-dancing pointers at a party. One party-goer told Life & Style: “There was a pole at the bash, and Demi thought it would be fun to show everyone she still has what it takes. Demi even spun around the pole upside down.” Rumer, pole-dancing? I shudder at the mere thought.

Tom Cruise crashed his $72,000 Ducati motorcycle this week. Luckily Xenu was watching over him. According to two eyewitnesses who spoke to HollywoodLife.com, Tom crashed into a brown SUV, denting the SUV’s back tires, then five people helped Tom pick himself up and get the bike on its side. He then waited for paramedics but did not go with them. Next thing you know he’ll be denying he has sexual intercourse with a female. Of course, in his case, we’ll believe him.

Speaking of sexual intercourse… Zoe Saldana says that she loves sex. Good to know, right? Says Saldana, “S is for Sex. Love it, love it, love it… can’t live without it. I love sex. I love skin. I don’t believe the body is something to hide. I think in American society we’re messing up our kids by taking away the education on, and awareness of, our sexuality and replacing it with violence, guns and video games-and we’re breeding little criminals.” She should have stopped talking at “I love sex.”

Heidi Montag fired Spencer Pratt as her manager. Yes, the guy she is supposedly married to got fired by his ‘wife’. Pratt is being replaced with a Malibu-based psychic named Aiden Chase. I don’t make this stuff up, folks.

As everyone knows by now, Corey Haim died. What you may not have known is that he was dating Daisy de la Hoya at the time of his death. “I’m sooooooo devastated right now,” de la Hoya tweeted. “This is the worst day ever I can’t believe this.” Yeah, I don’t know why I am reporting this either.

And speaking of the dead… apparently the body of James Brown has disappeared. Says LaRhonda Pettit, James’ daughter, “My daddy’s body has disappeared. I have no clue where it was taken, but I need to know where.” Did the MC come out with the cape one last time?

File this under, go figure. Twilight’s Taylor Lautner may not be as ripped as the movie’s posters would like you to think. Photoshop, anyone?

After weeks of speculation, former Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien announced today that he will headline a two-month, 30-city tour that will kick off April 12. The tour is titled Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television. No word yet on whether Triumph will be his opening act.

And speaking of Conan, last week (I think it was last week) I gave you his Twitter account in case you wanted to follow him during his ‘hiatus’. Turns out he has (at least) eight accounts. Not bad for a guy who made fun of Twitter at one point along the way.

Banned Mormon cartoon teaches about the birth of black people

Chris Spags — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 18:06:33 +0000

The Book of Mormon was roundly castrated on South Park a couple years back, and the message was spot on. Mormons may very well believe in something absurd, but they’re good people, so more power to them. Well, after seeing this cartoon about Mormons and the birth of black people, it may be time to reevaluate that stance.

Personally, I’d be a fan of seeing the Mormons and the Scientologists go into Thunderdome with only one somewhat-insane religion emerging. It’d be like a consolidation of power. At the same time, you can’t love the Scientologists’ chance in that battle. Have you seen the size of some of the football players at traditional Mormon school Brigham Young University? You think little 5’4 Tom Cruise and John Travolta would be able to withstand that onslaught? In spite of what over-produced action movies have taught us about those two, it seems pretty obvious that there’d be some 6’5 250 pound Mormon dude flossing his teeth with Tom Cruise within five minutes.

I’d have to think Xenu had better Space Planes though. Sorry Joseph Smith, but celestial sex doesn’t have anything on real alien-made engineering and space age polymers.

6 lame celebrities whom you forgot were awesome

Jeff Wysaski — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:58:06 +0000

As people get older, their priorities change. It’s part of growing up, whether you’re an average person or a celebrity. But it’s hard to let go of some of your favorites…here are six celebrities who kind of suck now that you may have forgotten how awesome they were.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold is among many iconic celebrities of yesteryear who have become nothing more than a caricature of themselves (*cough* Christopher Walken *cough*). Mr. Muscle emerged to supremacy as THE action hero of the 1980s. And with classics like The Terminator, Total Recall and The Running Man, Arnold was a bonafide badass for much of his career. And even before he was a movie badass, he was the coolest mf’er in the room and a beacon of unintentional comedy, like in the documentary Pumping Iron.

Sadly, it was somewhere around the time that Jingle All The Way came out that Arnold began to backslide into the B-list of celebrity (and his portrayal of Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin sealed the deal). Now the governator of Cal-i-forn-ia, Arnold is one sex tape away from signing on to star in the next season of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!

Joan Rivers

That’s right, Joan Rivers. Fifty years and seven facelifts ago, Ms. Rivers (who started as a stand-up comedian) was actually a welcomed addition to the television screen and perhaps surprisingly hot. In fact, Joan Rivers is considered one of the seminal female comedians of the 20th century. In her heyday, she was brash, direct, edgy – in essence, completely different from the stereotypical “safe” stand-up comedians that had gained a mainstream audience in the past.

Citing Lenny Bruce as a major influence, Joan sat in good company with such legendary stand-ups as Phyllis Diller and George Carlin. Thanks to numerous appearances on the Tonight Show With Johnny Carson (which she guest hosted from 1983 to 1986), some would argue that Joan Rivers paved the way for such modern comedians as Sarah Silverman and Margaret Cho.

Gary Busey

Would you believe Gary Busey has been nominated for a Best Actor Award by the Academy Awards? No, it wasn’t for his spot-on performance in Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice (starring Stephen Baldwin) – it was for his 1978 portrayal of Buddy Holly in The Buddy Holly Story. Throw in roles in Barbarosa, Lethal Weapon and, of course, Point Break, and Gary Busey had a pretty decent career on his hands.

Unfortunately, it seems drugs have left Busey with a few screws loose. Numerous candid moments and personal interviews have revealed an enigma of a man who is either incredibly deranged, or the contemporary modern prophet of our time. As an example, I’ll leave you with this Busey quote:

“… your shadow, the dark side. C.G. Hume writes about it, in terms of the fact that every one of us has a dark side. And my dark side, my shadow, my lower companion is now in the back room blowing up balloons for kids’ parties.”

Tom Cruise

Oh, Lord Xenu, you vile villain. You may have “saved” Tom Cruise’s soul with the religion of Scientology, but in the process you have royally screwed his street cred. In the 80s, Cruise rose to fame thanks to blockbusters like Top Gun and Rain Man. And through the new millennium, every woman wanted to bone him and every dude wanted to be him. Except for Val Kilmer, who seemed to want a bit of both in the famous volleyball scene from Top Gun.

Just a couple dudes, sharing some sexual tension and shirtless athletic competition. No biggie.

But ever since Mr. Cruise parted ways with Nicole Kidman, his celebrity star has fallen dramatically. Most of this can be chalked up to his odd behavior surrounding his whirlwind “romance” with Katie Holmes – all of which culminated on his awkward appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. With the curtain pulled back, Cruise was revealed for the weirdo that he is, and though still a major Hollywood player, no one wants to either be or bone that dude anymore. Well, other than alien souls stuck wandering the Earth.

Ozzy Osbourne

Are you noticing a theme here? As soon as we get a peak into a celebrity’s personal life, the magical spell is broken and the true lame-ness is allowed to shine in. Such is the case with Ozzy Osbourne, who once made a living biting the heads off of bats and pretty much inventing the whole heavy metal music genre.

Ozzy, pre-caricature version of himself, performing the most underrated song ever, “Crazy Train.”

But then, you give one rock star a reality TV show, and suddenly he’s not a rock God at all. He’s just an old man who shuffles around his house all day petting puppies and eating Chipotle burritos. Those aren’t things that a badass celebrity does. Those are things MY DAD does. Thanks a lot, MTV, for ruining my image of one of the greatest rock icons of all time.

Michael Jackson

Guys, I know the wound is still fresh, but come on – Michael Jackson was one f’d up dude. Yes, he was uber talented. Yes, he is one of the greatest pop singers of all time. And yes, the dude could moonwalk like a motherf’er. But seriously, you can’t honestly tell me that Michael Jackson died as a badass A-list celebrity.

We’re talking surgical masks, skin bleaching, ridiculous plastic surgery…allegations of child abuse! Whether you believe the rumors or not, the fact is that the King of Pop’s terrible upbringing and the pressures of fame eventually imploded upon him. And yet, despite all his flaws, the majority of the world is willing to look past it all. This, more than anything, should be a testament to how freaking epic Michael’s talents truly are. Because, though he died a shattered shell of himself, we still remember him for healing the world with songs like Thriller and Billy Jean. Well done, Wacko Jacko.

WASHINGTON’S JIM ZORN TAKES COACHING ADVICE FROM TOM CRUISE

A. Isaac — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 11:00:00 +0000

If you want to pinpoint the exact moment when I knew that the Lions would finally win a game, well, it was when this conversation took place. Instead of scheming for the Lions game, Jim Zorn instead talked strategy with douche extraordinaire Tom Cruise.

I wonder at what point Zorn signed over his game check to the Church of Scientology

Interlude: Show me the cuffs!

Douglas Charles — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 17:00:00 +0000

NFL: Agent who was inspiration for ‘Jerry Maguire’ arrested
NFL: Singletary explains reasoning for dropping pants
MLB: ‘Lucky World Series rain’ up for bid on eBay
SOCCER: Victoria and David Beckham set to be comic superheroes
SOCCER: Beckham’s endorsement income slipping
SOCCER: UEFA orders Atlético to play in empty stadium
AFFLICTION: The Affliction/Golden Boy co-promotion is a little odd
BOWLING: Man bowls 300 game, collapses and dies of heart attack
CELEB: Tom Cruise and Scientology sued again for $265 million

on 205th recommends…

That dude bashing Scientology talks to Tom Cruise

Chris Spags — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:49:52 +0000

I found this clip somewhat entertaining. It’s an edited version of Tom Cruise’s “Scientology is Great” video mixed with Jason Beghe’s “Scientology Sucks” video.

Anyway the clip is okay but that’s not the main reason I’m posting it. The reason I’m posting it…well, I’ll show you. The email I received from the-totally-a-real-name “Richard Isinyu”

to tips@blogofhilarity.com,
tips@radaronline.com,
tips@gawker.com,
tips@defamer.com,

THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES. I AM THE THE TOP EMAIL OUT OF THOSE FOUR. Sure the name value isn’t comparable and the site traffic is uh…probably also not very comparable…but I AM THE TOP EMAIL ADDRESS AND THUS AM GREATER THAN THE OTHER THREE SITES. COMBINED. WOOOOOOOO CHRIS RULES.