The Cannes Film Festival has come to a close – what hit? What missed? What sold? Read on, buddy. Most of the movies that show at Cannes are a little out of our wheelhouse, but sometimes you have to impress a girl or your boss or something, ]]>

The Cannes Film Festival has come to a close – what hit? What missed? What sold? Read on, buddy. Most of the movies that show at Cannes are a little out of our wheelhouse, but sometimes you have to impress a girl or your boss or something, so here are the flicks that people will be talking about around the water cooler on Tuesday.

Love

The new film by Michael Haneke, the Austrian director famous for bleak and terrifying examinations of human frailty, swept the awards, winning the Palme d’Or – the festival’s biggest prize. Starring Emmanuelle Riva and Jean-Louis Trintignant, the movie examines two senior citizens as they deal with the end of their lives after one suffers a stroke. Critical reaction was unanimously positive, with people streaming out of the theater in tears. It’s been picked up for U.S. release by Sony Classics.

Reality

The Grand Prix – the second prize of the festival, essentially – went to Reality, the new film from Italian director Matteo Garrone. Garrone’s last film, Gommorah, was a must-watch examination of life among the Camorra organized crime groups of Naples, and it seems like he’s not venturing far from the subject matter with Reality, which is about a former mafia hitman desperate to be a reality TV star.

Holy Motors

One of the most shocking omissions from the awards was French director Leos Carax’s Holy Motors. The story of a man who takes on ten different identities in a single day was seriously polarizing, with audiences either hating it or loving it. Carax had been trying to get the film made since 1999, and many thought it had a good chance at the Palme d’Or, but it would up shut out.

The Paperboy

I wrote a little bit about Lee Daniels’ new movie last week (it’s the one where Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron), but it performed pretty dismally, with most critics comparing it more to Daniels’ atrocious Shadowboxer than Precious. Daniels, in an interview with GQ, blames racism for the movie’s lukewarm reaction. Uh-huh.

Cosmopolis

David Croenenberg’s latest also ran into mixed reviews at the festival, with critics either loving it or hating it. No American films won any awards at the jury selection, however, which is somewhat unprecedented. It’s a vicious and somewhat incoherent critique of capitalism that has some stunning visual images, but many felt it just didn’t hang together in the end. I’ll still see it.

Sibling rivalry goes to Olympic extremes in this awesome-looking new comedy. The Duplass brothers are the cinematic minds behind some of my favorite recent films, including the grimly hilarious Jeff, Who Lives At Home and Cyrus. Now they’re turning their eye on sports, but in a typically quirky way. The ]]>

Sibling rivalry goes to Olympic extremes in this awesome-looking new comedy. The Duplass brothers are the cinematic minds behind some of my favorite recent films, including the grimly hilarious Jeff, Who Lives At Home and Cyrus. Now they’re turning their eye on sports, but in a typically quirky way. The two protagonists of The Do-Deca-Pentathlon are brothers just creeping up on that midlife crisis, and when they find a videotape of a 25-event athletic competition that they held against each other as kids, things get real. They decide to try it again during a family reunion while keeping it secret from the rest of their clan, who naturally disapprove. Opens wide June 6th.

Here’s an indie film that looks like it was drawn from my own childhood, only I didn’t have a terminal disease. Nobody ever died from not having enough hugs. Andy Serkis, Thomas Sangster and Aisling Loftus star in Ian Fitzgibbon’s Death of a Superhero, about a British teenager who is ]]>

Here’s an indie film that looks like it was drawn from my own childhood, only I didn’t have a terminal disease. Nobody ever died from not having enough hugs. Andy Serkis, Thomas Sangster and Aisling Loftus star in Ian Fitzgibbon’s Death of a Superhero, about a British teenager who is not long for this world who escapes into a four-color fantasy. Serkis, most famous for his CGI roles as Gollum and King Kong, actually has a chance to show his acting chops as a human being in this. Early reports from screenings at the Tribeca Film Festival are positive.

Really all I should have to say is “Simon Pegg” and you’d be clicking this, but here’s some more words. Murder. Milk. Hedgehogs. The Shaun Of The Dead star Tweeted the trailer to his new flick, A Fantastic Fear Of Everything, over the weekend, and it owns. Pegg plays a ]]>

Really all I should have to say is “Simon Pegg” and you’d be clicking this, but here’s some more words. Murder. Milk. Hedgehogs. The Shaun Of The Dead star Tweeted the trailer to his new flick, A Fantastic Fear Of Everything, over the weekend, and it owns. Pegg plays a former children’s book author who becomes obsessed with murder, much to the detriment of his own sanity. With some seriously Dutch camera angles and a very creepy stuffed hedgehog, I’m already sold. The flick opens in June.

Taking a trip to the island of Banoi is usually fun. Unless you happen to book your vacation during the zombie outbreak anyway. (That ALWAYS happens to me. I really need a new travel agent.)

Then, you’ll almost always run into a situation where your small child will be bitten ]]>

Taking a trip to the island of Banoi is usually fun. Unless you happen to book your vacation during the zombie outbreak anyway. (That ALWAYS happens to me. I really need a new travel agent.)

Then, you’ll almost always run into a situation where your small child will be bitten by one of the undead, attack you like a rabid dog in the resort’s hotel room, and then you’ll be forced to throw her corpse-like body out of a 10-story window.

Classic zombie vacation, really.

In fact, it’s almost like living on a … DEAD ISLAND. Oh, and hey, that video game’s finally getting made! And you can now watch the trailer.

You may think you know all you need to know about mobile homes, but you haven’t even scratched the surface until you’ve seen this obscenely bad ass ad for Cullman Liquidation Co.

It almost makes me want to buy a home with wheels. But there’s ]]>

You may think you know all you need to know about mobile homes, but you haven’t even scratched the surface until you’ve seen this obscenely bad ass ad for Cullman Liquidation Co.

It almost makes me want to buy a home with wheels. But there’s so much effort involved, what with having to lose my truck and my dog and my gal. And learning to hate all types of ethnic minorities. If it were 75% of those, sure, but all four? Too much effort. Plus how can you effectively run a meth lab when your house is rolling down a street? Your house rolling into an abutment must have set back redneck scientists at least 30 years.

I’m not like Comic Book Dork McGee or anything, but this movie is apparently all the buzz so a good amount of you might be interested in it. The movie The Watchmen has a trailer being attached to the new James Bond movie Quantum of Solace, which hits theaters tonight. ]]>

I’m not like Comic Book Dork McGee or anything, but this movie is apparently all the buzz so a good amount of you might be interested in it. The movie The Watchmen has a trailer being attached to the new James Bond movie Quantum of Solace, which hits theaters tonight. And here it is, because you’re special to me.

It does look pretty cool, I must admit. And the Smurf lover in me really approves of all the blue cock being flaunted around by Billy Zane’s Dr. Manhattan character. It’s like I’m Smurfette at the gang’s holiday Christmas party!