“Our pom poms are made of used dental dams!”

After South Carolina, the top five includes Stanford University (2), followed by the University of Connecticut (3), Columbia University (4) and Florida Atlantic University (5). At the bottom five are DePaul University (141), Brigham Young University (137), Baylor University (138), Providence College (139) and St. John’s University (140). That’s got to be embarrassing for DePaul. How can you possibly rank lower than Brigham Young, a school whose philosophy is “Just put it in the baby entrance and never pull out.” Their health class probably has a book that’s just one chapter long, called “Missionary and Creampies for God.”

To get the rankings, the study took a look at each school’s standards of giving information and protection to its students through each school’s sexual health centers and student opinion polls. Which is probably better than the alternative of asking to sniff each student’s finger.

Full rankings are obscenely long and below:

1. University of South Carolina SEC
2. Stanford University PAC 10
3. University of Connecticut Big East
4. Columbia University Ivy League
5. Florida Atlantic University Sun Belt
6. University of Georgia SEC
7. Michigan State University Big 10
8. Cornell University Ivy League
9. Brown University Ivy League
10. Duke University ACC
11. The University of Texas-Austin Big 12
12. University of Maryland ACC
13. University of Michigan Big 10
14. University of Illinois Big 10
15. Yale University Ivy League
16. Oregon State University PAC 10
17. North Carolina State University ACC
18. Pennsylvania State University Big 10
19. Dartmouth College Ivy League
20. West Virginia University Big East
21. University of Colorado Big 12
22. University of Oregon PAC 10
23. Ohio State University Big 10
24. University of Florida SEC
25. University of Central Florida C-USA
26. Louisiana State University SEC
27. Western Michigan University MAC
28. University of Virginia ACC
29. University of Louisiana-Monroe Sun Belt
30. Ball State University MAC
31. University of Iowa Big 10
32. Mississippi State University SEC
33. San Diego State University Mountain West
34. East Carolina University C-USA
35. University of North Carolina ACC
36. Florida International Univ. Sun Belt
37. University of Southern Calif. PAC 10
38. University of Kentucky SEC
39. Colorado State University Mountain West
40. The University of Alabama SEC
41. University of California PAC 10
42. Northern Illinois University MAC
43. University of Wisconsin Big 10
44. Texas A&M University Big 12
45. University of Pennsylvania Ivy League
46. Washington State University PAC 10
47. Kansas State University Big 12
48. University of Missouri Big 12
49. Indiana University Big 10
50. University of South Florida Big East
51. Bowling Green State University MAC
52. Rutgers University Big East
53. Tulane University of Louisiana C-USA
54. University of Denver Sun Belt
55. Western Kentucky University Sun Belt
56. University of Kansas Big 12
57. University of New Mexico Mountain West
58. University of Minnesota Big 10
59. Miami University-Oxford MAC
60. California State U-Fresno WAC
61. Princeton University Ivy League
62. Harvard University Ivy League
63. Ohio University MAC
64. University of Nevada-Reno WAC
65. University of Mississippi SEC
66. Clemson University ACC
67. Rice University C-USA
68. University of Miami ACC
69. University of Louisville Big East
70. University of Arizona PAC 10
71. Virginia Tech ACC
72. Wake Forest University ACC
73. Indiana University-Purdue U Indianapolis Independents
74. Eastern Michigan University MAC
75. University of Pittsburgh Big East
76. Syracuse University Big East
77. Purdue University Big 10
78. University of Southern Miss. C-USA
79. Florida State University ACC
80. University of North Texas Sun Belt
81. University of Oklahoma Big 12
82. Southern Methodist University C-USA
83. University of Wyoming Mountain West
84. University of Memphis C-USA
85. University at Buffalo MAC
86. San Jose State University WAC
87. Georgia Tech ACC
88. Northwestern University Big 10
89. Central Michigan University MAC
90. Texas Tech University Big 12
91. University of Washington PAC 10
92. Kent State University MAC
93. University of Akron MAC
94. The University of Texas-Pan American Independents
95. University of Houston C-USA
96. University of Nebraska Big 12
97. University of Nevada-Las Vegas Mountain West
98. Boise State University WAC
99. University of Tulsa C-USA
100. The University of Tennessee SEC
101. University of Arkansas SEC
102. Air Force Academy Mountain West
103. Iowa State University Big 12
104. University of Arkansas-Little Rock Sun Belt
105. University of South Alabama Sun Belt
106. University of Cincinnati Big East
107. University of Utah Mountain West
108. University of Hawaii At Manoa WAC
109. New Mexico State University WAC
110. Utah State University WAC
111. Oklahoma State University Big 12
112. Vanderbilt University SEC
113. Arizona State University PAC 10
114. Texas Christian University Mountain West
115. The University of Texas El-Paso C-USA
116. Middle Tennessee State Sun Belt
117. Utah Valley State College Independents
118. UCLA PAC 10
119. Auburn University SEC
120. The University of Alabama At Birmingham C-USA
121. Georgetown University Big East
122. Savannah State University Independents
123. University of Toledo MAC
124. University of New Orleans Sun Belt
125. Villanova University Big East
126. Boston College ACC
127. Chicago State University Independents
128. University of Idaho WAC
129. Marquette University Big East
130. University of Notre Dame Big East
131. Marshall University C-USA
132. Troy State University Sun Belt
133. Seton Hall University Big East
134. Louisiana Tech University WAC
135. University of Louisiana At Lafayette Sun Belt
136. Arkansas State University Sun Belt
137. Brigham Young University Mountain West
138. Baylor University Big 12
139. Providence College Big East
140. St. John's University Big East
141. DePaul University Big East