Oh, man, the summer TV season. It’s like they don’t want me to go outside. Do you remember when we were kids, when all the networks just said “F— it” ever summer and loaded the schedule with A-Team reruns because they figured people had better things ]]>

Oh, man, the summer TV season. It’s like they don’t want me to go outside. Do you remember when we were kids, when all the networks just said “F— it” ever summer and loaded the schedule with A-Team reruns because they figured people had better things to do when the weather was nice than watch TV? Those days are gone, we’re all fat and horrible, here are the premiere dates for this summer’s shows, with commentary on a selected few.

Workaholics – May 29, Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.

This show is super uneven but when it’s funny, it’s one of the funniest shows on TV. Here, watch this clip.

Did you laugh? Good, we can still be friends.

MasterChef – June 4, Fox, 9 p.m.

Hi, my name is Gordon Ramsay and I’m on every show on Fox! Also I have a sex dwarf apparently.

Rizzoli & Isles – June 5, TNT, 9 p.m.
Franklin & Bash – June 5, TNT, 10 p.m.

I always get this confused with that Disney cartoon Phineas & Ferb but apparently it’s a law show with Zack Morris? I dunno, man. Not interested.

Royal Pains – June 6, USA, 9 p.m.
Necessary Roughness – June 6, USA, 10 p.m.
Comedy Bang Bang – June 8, IFC, 10 p.m.
Bunk – June 8, IFC, 10:30 p.m.

Pros: shows are based on funny podcasts. Cons: shows are on IFC, the network that thinks Portlandia is funny. Could go either way.

True Blood – June 10, HBO, 9 p.m.

At this point you know what to expect from this show. Tits, blood, convoluted plotlines, people acting idiotic. It’s perfect TV.

Dallas – June 13, TNT, 9 p.m.
Burn Notice – June 14 USA, 9 p.m.
Suits – June 14, USA 10 p.m.
Falling Skies – June 17 TNT, 9 p.m.

This show is actually pretty good. Kind of The Walking Dead but with aliens instead of zombies.

Futurama – June 20 Comedy Central 10 p.m.
The Newsroom – June 24, HBO, 10 p.m.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force – June 24, Adult Swim, 11:45 p.m.

This show has been on for eleven years. Can you even imagine a world where that is possible? Go back in time and tell your 2001 self (who is stoned and watching this show) that Aqua Teen Hunger Force will last more seasons than Friends.

Anger Management – June 28, FX, 9 p.m./9:30 p.m.
Wilfred – June 28, FX, 10 p.m.
Awkward – June 28, MTV, 10:30 p.m.
Louie – June 28, FX, 10:30 p.m.

We don’t deserve a third season of Louis C.K.’s brilliant show, but we’re getting it anyways because God loves us.

Brand X with Russell Brand – June 28, FX, 11 p.m.

I don’t know what this is but I’m pretty sure I won’t like it.

Weeds – July 1, Showtime, 10 p.m.

The last season of this show tanked hard in the ratings, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see Weeds finally burn out with this, the eighth season. If it ends in any way but Nancy Botwin being shot in the head, I’ll be pissed.

Episodes – July 1, Showtime, 10:30 p.m.
Web Therapy – July 2, Showtime, 11 p.m.

Both of these shows star people who were on Friends, and both of them are pretty funny.

The Closer – July 9, TNT, 9 p.m.
White Collar – July 10, USA, 9 p.m.
Covert Affairs – July 10, USA, 10 p.m.
Damages – July 11, DirecTV, 10 p.m.

Breaking Bad – July 15, AMC, 10 p.m.

Final season. Where exactly do you go after you blow Gus Fring’s face off? I have no idea, but then I’m not a genius who makes up awesome TV shows about science teachers cooking meth.

Hell on Wheels – August 12, AMC, 9 p.m.
Boss – August 17, Starz, 10 p.m.

What are you going to watch? Be honest. I won’t judge you.

HBO: where blood just goes everywhere. After the Game of Thrones premiere last night, why not get hyped for True Blood next? The network has dropped this fast-paced teaser in advance of the Season 5 premiere in June, and it’s raising a bunch of questions. Who is Eric sucking ]]>

HBO: where blood just goes everywhere. After the Game of Thrones premiere last night, why not get hyped for True Blood next? The network has dropped this fast-paced teaser in advance of the Season 5 premiere in June, and it’s raising a bunch of questions. Who is Eric sucking face with? Who is Sookie going to bury in that hole? Damn.

Sure, they’re fictional. But several male characters who grace the presence of the small screen are so alluring they have the power to make millions of women tune in just to see what sexy antics they’re up to that week. And the fact that they’re not ]]>

Sure, they’re fictional. But several male characters who grace the presence of the small screen are so alluring they have the power to make millions of women tune in just to see what sexy antics they’re up to that week. And the fact that they’re not “real” doesn’t stop us from daydreaming about exactly what we’d say to get them to fall for us if we just so happen were to cross paths. These are the made-up men we wish we could get into bed, and the lessons you can take from our semi-justifiable love for them.

8 Chuck Bass from “Gossip Girl”
I wasn’t formally a fan of the yacht-club, Wall-Street macho look. This filthy-rich bad boy has made me a pristine wardrobe convert. He can get into any club in Manhattan (and is constantly trying to open his own), takes impromptu trips to Europe on his private jet, and can get any model or socialite he wants. His simple pick-up line exemplifies the power he has: “I’m Chuck Bass.”

Learn from his mistakes: Yes, you’re sexy. But we haven’t forgotten about those attempted date-rape incidents or questionable sociopath-status in the first season of the show.

7 Trent Lane from “Daria”
Jane’s older brother Trent made Daria blush, and my heart a-flutter, in this cartoon on MTV in the ‘90s (the whole series is now on DVD and I happen to have it, thank you). His smoker’s cough voice, grunge attire, and rock n’ roll attitude had many of us pre-teens screaming, “Screw the Man!” Too bad Daria never got it on with him. We were rooting for a hook up.

Learn from his mistakes: Decide on the name of your stupid band, already. And get a job. Being full of that angst is only hot until I’m out of college and your lack of ambition makes me physically ill.

6 Seth Cohen from “The O.C.”
Seth Cohen was initially conveyed in this has-been soap opera as a total nerd, complete with a comic book obsession. We weren’t fooled, though. The video-game-playing, Chrissmukkah-celebrating boy was the epitome of adorable. And he had an amazing record collection.

Learn from his mistakes: Being self conscious about dating your dream girl only makes you more vulnerable for women to stomp all over your indie-rock heart.

5 Jim Halpert from “The Office”
Aw, Jim. What a guy! Jim’s the epitome of the cute guy in need of a haircut situated in every office. We love to flirt with him, and even though he’s kind of dorky, he makes us nervous. Jim is loyal and humble. His sly sense of humor is definitely something any guy could learn from.

Learn from his mistakes: You’re too cute to be working at a paper supply company after all these years. Go outside and get some sun, kid!

4 Silas Botwin from “Weeds”
Suburban mom-turned drug dealer Nancy Botwin may have messed up nearly everything in her family’s life, but at least she gave the world some great offspring. Her oldest son, Silas, has every weed-toking chick I know willing to date down in age. He’s shy, and he’s taken tips in bed from a MILF. Having the hash hook up wouldn’t hurt, either.

Learn from his mistakes: Stop being such a momma’s boy and try to live your own, semi-normal life already.

3 Dexter Morgan from “Dexter”
There’s nothing quite like a semi-geeky lab nerd having a serious vendetta against the “bad” guys in Miami. On top of that: A guy who loves children and is comfortably protective. Dexter Morgan, we sort of don’t care that you like to stalk and cut people up into little pieces. We can make an exception for your cute smile and strong-looking back just this once.

Learn from his mistakes: Get involved with the dark world of serial killing, and your loved ones are probably in danger of also getting killed. Duh.

2 Eric Northman from “True Blood”
Awkward teenagers everywhere are enamored with vampire culture. Falling for this thousand-year old ex-Viking would be completely inappropriate for all of them, which makes Eric an appropriate vamp for us to talk—hypothetically—about banging. He does all of those vampire-y things: kills bloodthirstily, is overprotective of the ladies he loves, and is way too seductive although we all know he’s kind of an asshole.

Learn from his mistakes: That cockiness is overplayed. His arrogance is part of what makes him so appealing, sure. Definitely not a guy to bring home to meet the ‘rents.

1 Don Draper from “Mad Men”
Those suits, those shoulders, that hair. Stoic and mysterious, Don Draper is definitely at the top of many Mad Men’s female fans to-do lists. Sure, he can kind of be a dick to his secretaries and his now ex-wife, and his workaholic/alcoholic ways are both attractive and annoying. We know underneath that cool exterior is a man with a dark past, and we could fix him.

Learn from his mistakes: Rampant affairs and lack of sharing any sort of emotion probably won’t help your relationships, long term.

I know how much some of you are fans of the show True Blood, so I figured you’d like to see these pics Complex magazine took of one of the stars of the show Lizzy Caplan. I, myself, have never seen the show. Oh sure I have ]]>

I know how much some of you are fans of the show True Blood, so I figured you’d like to see these pics Complex magazine took of one of the stars of the show Lizzy Caplan. I, myself, have never seen the show. Oh sure I have seen the screencaps of Lizzy and Anna Paquin topless, but the way I figure it I have already seen the best parts of the show so why take the time to watch. Besides, I am pretty much boycotting all things vampire at the moment. Call it Twilight collateral damage.

I’m a pretty big fan of double entendre (witness here). I’m also a pretty big fan of not thoroughly checking your work after completing it. Thus, you could understand why I adore these 10 signs that definitely (hopefully?) don’t deliver what they promise.

9 Big Bone Lick ]]>

I’m a pretty big fan of double entendre (witness here). I’m also a pretty big fan of not thoroughly checking your work after completing it. Thus, you could understand why I adore these 10 signs that definitely (hopefully?) don’t deliver what they promise.

9 Big Bone Lick

In their defense, if I knew what the words “vertebrate paleontology” meant, I’d probably find this less perverse.

8 Hooker Creek Road

“Oh, you don’t want to drop those off here sir, you should go down three exits to Dead Hooker Creek Road.
No, no problem at all, happens all the time.”

7 People With A.I.D.S.

Good idea: Supporting people afflicted with AIDS when society is so quick to judge them.
Bad idea: Putting a Red Cross on the same block.

6 Reserved For Disabled Only

Thank God someone made this sign. Otherwise, I’d have no clue if disabled people go
in the blue container, the green one, or the trash bin.

5 Beaver Ruin Road

Bring the family to Beaver Ruin Road… because you’re not brave enough to inform your pregnant
wife you no longer find her sexually satisfying, but want to show her passive aggressive road signs.

4 Gay Head

A sign that says “Gay Head” should be better taken care of. Like garish neon lights or a pink flamingo…
I want my Gay Head to be classy and flamboyant, not drab and disappointing.

3 Fangboner Road

Precisely why it would not be a good idea to get a blowjob in the True Blood universe.

2 General Hooker Entrance

Hookers have to go in through a different entrance? What next, separate water fountains?
Oh, that’s not water in those fountains at all. Oh… oh no.

1 Sluts Hole Lane

If it’s been spread open so wide that you can build an entire block inside of it,
it might be wise to consider kegel exercises.

I adore the show True Blood, though I find emulating its support of blood drinking to be both costly, messy, and not very satisfying. So someone, presumably for my benefit, decided to crop together a sitcom version of True Blood called “At Merlotte’s” and it’s pretty accurate.

I would ]]>

I adore the show True Blood, though I find emulating its support of blood drinking to be both costly, messy, and not very satisfying. So someone, presumably for my benefit, decided to crop together a sitcom version of True Blood called “At Merlotte’s” and it’s pretty accurate.

I would like this. Why not extend the brand a bit further beyond the usual shows? Take some third tier character from the dramas and give them a sitcom. Or a fake reality show. Like you wouldn’t want to watch a reality show with some asshole vampire who was on the show for a minute looking for love. It’d have less dead bodies than Megan Wants A Millionaire, too.