Legalizing pot would lead to increased tax revenue and a substantial uptick in the sale of Funyons.

-Jason”

That’s a lot of pressure to put on one question, Jason. And I suppose technically there is no “official” stance on pot here. But if you’ve followed our site — and, in particular, my writing — over the years, you’ll see I have a very hands off policy about everything.

There’s no denying that pot is less detrimental than many other legal mind-altering substances (some studies even say legalization of pot can even lead to less traffic accidents). And there’d be a substantial economic benefit to the legalization and taxation of the product. So how could you logically be opposed to it other than old middle school posters that say smoking pot is a slippery slope leading to abuse and blowing a swarthy guy named Richie for crack.

My middle school obviously kept it far more “real” than most.

“Can you draw me a picture of a unicorn in a top hat?

-Miguel”

I’m going to take the blame for my making this column perhaps too open-ended. That said, I am a man of the people (who loves making mediocre drawings in Photoshop). And I respect, though don’t necessarily enjoy, the power of unicorns. So here it is.

Note: I found it alarmingly difficult to draw a straight pimp cane on a trackpad. I make no apologies.

“Which Saved by the Bell character would you be if you could pick one? Got to be a runaway win, right?

-Jesse

The obvious choice is Zack Morris so, despite how appealing that might be, I’m going to go unconventional. My choice…Team Albert Clifford Slater. The reasons:

What, can't two early 90s guys with a strange sexual tension just pose shirtless for no particular reason?

Debatable, sure. But you throw in some future affirmative action and I think there’s a compelling case for the spicy athletic Latino with the jheri curl.

And the winner of this week’s prize of a Bluray player, Michael Jackson: The Life of an Icon and three additional Universal DVD titles is:

A couple months ago, I was discussing with my best friend’s aunt the probability of myself marrying Zooey Deschanel. At that point in time, Ben Gibbard and Zooey were still married. I was telling my friend’s aunt my plans to capture Ben and hide him in a cage in the Congo until Zooey falls madly in love with me. She then told me that if I were to successfully do this and get Zooey to marry me, she would throw me the biggest wedding party imaginable. Now, a few days later, coincidentally enough it was announced that Ben and Zooey had split. I was one step closer to my dream.

Love always,
Andrew”

Pictured: The number two-ranked Deschanel on Fox

On a non-specific level, the key to picking up any woman — particularly a famous one like Ms. Deschanel — is to act like you deserve to get her. Not to be a douche or anything, but any insecurity will be sniffed out. On a high-value target like a Zooey or a Scarlett Johansson, you need to have A+ game without any failings, making the woman feel special and entirely common all at once. They receive the kid gloves treatment with everyone…by doing something unexpected, you’d be far more likely to stand out.

On a Zooey-specific level, I’d try to launch an Internet campaign of some sort with a creative viral vide, like those Marines who keep getting dates to their ball or the chick with cancer trying to date Joseph Gordon Levitt. Be creative, be hipsterish. She’s actually active on the Internet so there’s a decent chance it’d find its way to her. Maybe pretend to have lost a testicle in an accident? The world of sympathy is a blank slate.

Option Two: Kidnap Emily Deschanel. At least she’d be good for something for once.

PS: Your friend’s aunt would totally bang you. Sounds like she was flirting hardcore. Kidnap Emily Deschanel to win her over, too.

Want to see some advice, rhetorical questions, or colorful unicorns drawn for you? Email your questions to guyismeditor@guyism.com for a chance to get in next week’s Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags.