Here’s your weekly wrap-up of women acting stupid in the headlines. This week there happened to be an awful lot of females crushing my dreams, from unattractive Southern sorority girls to a disgustingly gigantic woman residing in a state I always imagined was only populated by half-naked, Adonis-looking college kids. We’ve also got David Beckham’s disappearing-act-of-a wife and an utterly useless bride.

This, gentlemen, is your week in women.

Glorified Mental Health Facility Patient Bitch of the Week: Victoria Beckham
In an effort to shed her baby weight and return to an irrational size zero in time for Fashion Week, Posh Spice has reportedly been adhering to a strict meal plan known as the Five Hands Diet. Apparently, this thing requires the bitches who partake in it to consumer no more than five handfuls of food a day. Call me old fashioned, but when I was growing up we used to just call this anorexia.

I’m not too sure where women keep coming up with these “diet” fads. Like, sure, the Atkins diet was acceptable and made some sort of sense, and Jenny Craig’s been around so long that no one’s going to argue with her fat ass, but all these newer crazes are legitimately just fancy ways of starving yourself. I kid you not, one diet claims that a hormone found in pregnant women’s piss helps you lose weight, but when you take it you also need to restrict your calories to 400 a day. I could pop a goddamn multivitamin and lose weight as long as I’m restricting my calories to a quarter of what they should be, so thanks but no thanks on the pregnant pee.

Anyway, Vicky, best of luck with it. It’s so nice to see a new mom putting her own selfish priorities on the back burner and focusing on nothing but the welfare of their new little bundle of joy.

Dream Crushing Bitches of the Week: University of Alabama Sorority Girls
For those of us who went to college up in the northern part of the country, where more than five women living in the same house is legally considered a brothel, southern universities have always been like magical dreamlands where we picture huge mansions bursting with attractive men and women, and beer. Now, thanks to these U of A sorority girls and this horrendously embarrassing viral video, I know it was all a dream. These girls not only proved their sub-par IQs through poorly crafted lyrics and a barely audible vocal track, but they’re not even that hot. I’ve always just imagined that anyone who has to walk to class on a campus below the Mason-Dixon line would be rocking ridiculous bodies and tans that make you jealous. These girls look like they held one too many fundraisers at the Waffle House instead of in bikinis washing cars.

At the end of the day, I don’t mind being disillusioned by Alabama and realizing it’s much more middle-America than I ever wanted to admit. At least I’ll always have Arizona. Someone please tell me Arizona is still full of ridiculously sexy drunk college kids in a perpetual state of bikini-dom. Please…

Grossly Misguided Bitch of the Week: Susanne Eman
Nope. Susanne here has even ruined Arizona for me. This 32-year-old mother has made it her life goal to reach 1600 pounds by consuming 20,000 calories per day. 20 thousand. That’s 10 times what a grown man is supposed to be eating. She currently clocks in just under 800, rocking a fupa the likes of which you’ve never seen before. Her legs have enough hearty folds in them for you to legitimately have sex with various parts of her thigh without even realizing you’re in the wrong place. I’m not sure what could possibly compel a person to strive to weigh as much as 17.5 runway models, especially when you’re living in one of the hottest states in this country and responsible for the lives of two other humans. Doesn’t make a lick of sense to me.

But hey, at least Susie says she’s completely healthy. “I go for a waddle and do stretches and exercises every day.” A waddle. That’s either the most hilariously self-aware terminology I’ve ever seen or an embarrassing look into the distorted meaning that “exercise” has taken on in my 21st century fast-food nation. Either way it paints a pretty picture for me to laugh at while I absolve myself of any and every bit of guilt I planned on feeling about slamming this delicious McDonald’s breakfast sammie into my face.

Horrible Wife Bitch of the Week: Gemma Redmond
Gemma and her husband of 10 days embarked on their honeymoon in the Seychelles this week when he was fatally attacked by a shark. Go ahead and call me insensitive since this “poor woman” had to watch her husband die during what was supposed to be the happiest week of their lives, I’ll take that. But keep in mind that while this was happening a mere 100 feet from the shore in shallow water, Gemma lay on her little beach towel catching some rays. Bitch, we haven’t even been married for two weeks and you can’t even muster up the energy to make some sort of moves towards the water when I’m screaming “HELP, HELP”? I mean, the least you could do is stand up and feign some sort of interest. It’s awfully hard for a disenchanted realist like myself to read these various news pieces about how devastated she is when I know full well that she sat there re-upping on the tanning oil and checking out some Fabio looking motherf*cker while her poor breadwinner got ripped to shreds within walking distance.

It really is tragic that you had to lose your husband before you even got to enjoy your marriage, but at least you can sleep sound knowing he died with the same amount of contempt for you that he would’ve had by the time you celebrated your 50th anniversary.

Rihanna named new face of Emporio Armani Underwear, Jeans
“Rihanna follows in the footsteps of sexy siren Megan Fox, who modeled for the label in a 2010 campaign…”

David & Victoria Beckham name their daughter ‘Harper Seven’
“The couple also has sons Brooklyn, 12, Romeo, 8, and Cruz, 6.”

Rebecca Black set to drop new single, EP
“My dream duet would be Justin Bieber. Even just doing something with Taylor Swift, or any of my favorite artists would be so cool.”

Halle Berry terrified by ‘kitchen window’ stalker
“Sources say the suspect is the same guy who jumped Halle’s security wall on Saturday, triggering the first 911 call.”

Bar Refaeli & rumored new beau go clubbing In Tel Aviv
“Looks like Israeli-born stunner Bar Refaeli has moved on after her split with former flame Leonardo DiCaprio.”

Derek Jeter & Minka Kelly in Miami after his record-setting hit
“On Monday, the two had lunch in SoBe where she is shooting the new Charlie’s Angels TV series.”

Miranda Kerr: “I thought I was going to die” giving birth
“I kept thinking, ‘How do women do this?’”

Lady Gaga teases mermaid-themed music video
“The relation of the video to my real life, as well as to my dream of the future, is really what makes it so special.”

Britney Spears doesn’t have to be deposed in lawsuit, judge rules
“The reason is because Spears is still under conservatorship.”

Kim Kardashian channels retro Hollywood for sexy photo shoot
“She was snapped on set wearing a vintage-inspired outfit with curled hair tied back in a scarf.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Megan Fox in a behind the scenes interview for Giorgio Armani Cosmetics.

Christina Hendricks’ breasts are real, thank you very much
“It’s so bizarre that people are constantly asking if my breasts are real or fake.”

Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde party together
“After hosting SNL, Justin Timberlake was spotted hanging out with his rumored new lady friend Olivia Wilde.”

Celebs clamoring to hang out with Royal Couple during LA visit
“Victoria Beckham is apparently booking her caesarian section a few days before the royal visit to ensure she doesn’t miss out on any of the action.”

Jane Seymour: This isn’t Schwarzenegger’s only love child
“From what I gather, I think there will be lots of information coming people’s way.”

Dark Knight Rises adds Matthew Modine, Tom Conti and Joey King
“Matthew Modine will play a character named Nixon.”

Zach Galifianakis slams January Jones
“‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so f*cking be nice,’ and I got up and left. And she thinks that’s funny.”

Macho Man Randy Savage — The 911 calls
“Officials performed an autopsy to find an official cause of death — results could take 4 to 6 weeks.”

Lindsay Lohan: Glee actors’ work schedule sounds illegal
“[The cast's] works schedules are insane, it’s seven days a week…”

Evangeline Lilly welcomes a baby boy
“The father is her boyfriend, Norman Kali, who was reportedly employed as a production assistant on the crew of [Lost].”

Michael Lohan pleads not guilty to domestic violence
“Everybody has a particular version of what occured.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Britney Spears and Rihanna’s duet (featuring pole dancing) at the Billboard Music Awards.

Celebrity gossip items (other than Charlie Sheen news) you may have missed this week…

— Anne Hathaway made $750,000 on Oscar night. Gwyneth Paltrow made $500,000. For wearing jewelry. Seriously.

— It’s also been reported that Anne allegedly grew to hate James Franco during rehearsals for the Academy Awards. Wow, you would never have known it. They were such a great pair!

— Mila Kunis was doing a whole lot of flirting with Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers at a party after the Oscars. Yes, Aaron Rodgers was at an Oscars party. Jay Cutler was apparently too much of a pussy to attend.

— Justin Bieber turned 17 on Tuesday and went to dinner with his girlfriend Selena Gomez. Normal, right? Yes, until you find out that a female Bieber allegedly fan punched Selena in the face (which she denies despite holding her head and crying).

— Robert Pattinson says that dating Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart is very traumatic. Understandable. Just watching her is hard enough.

— Paula Abdul is doing great since leaving Idol. And by doing great I mean accusing her boyfriend of kidnapping her on Valentine’s Day.

— Michael Lohan joined the cast of Celebrity Rehab without telling his daughter Lindsay first and that really made her mad. Because? Because that’s what they do.

— Madonna is a douchebag. I can call a woman a douchebag, right?

— Scarlett Johansson took an overnight trip to Cabo San Lucas with Sean Penn. She’s 26, he’s 50. Playa.

— Mike Huckabee basically called Natalie Portman a slut for getting knocked up.

— Katie Holmes has filed a $50 million libel lawsuit against Star Magazine. Because Tom told her to.* (*Not really, but probably.)

— Victoria Beckham has no need for handicapped people and their “special” parking spaces.

— Christina Aguilera: The Mugshot.

— And finally, Kacey Jordan won the porn star pageant on The Howard Stern Show. Maybe Charlie Sheen does know what he’s doing after all.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine people over at FHM and features the one and only Kylie Bisutti doing lots of fun things in very little clothing. Winning!

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Shakira has decided to call it off with her boyfriend of 11 years. Behind me in line there, buddy.

— Keira Knightley is also now single. For some reason I don’t care about that as much.

— Tom Hanks’ son is a rapper. Also, his name is Chet.

— Charlie Sheen sure knows how to party. With pr0n stars. Three to be exact. At the same time.

— The 2011 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue cover model short list has been revealed and it’s a who’s who of who? (I’m betting on Irina Shayk.)

— The Los Angeles County Coroner says Michael Jackson’s death should have been ruled a homicide.

— Gucci Mane got a new face tattoo and as face tattoos go this one is about as different as one could be.

— Kelsey Grammer might be a cross dresser.

— Eva Longoria? Bankrupt.

— Winona Ryder? Crazy.

— Kate Hudson? Pregnant.

— Victoria Beckham — also pregnant.

— JWoww now says that she was under anesthesia in those alleged nude photos that are just waiting to be released. “Under anesthesia” has to be code for something, right?

— Mike Tyson is being sued for $115 million. And it’s one doozy of a lawsuit too.

— Speaking of a lot of jack, 50 Cent made $8.7 million on Twitter. That is NOT a typo.

— Keira Knightley, Anne Hathaway and Jessica Biel are scheduled have test screenings for the next Batman movie. I vote for Jessica.

— And finally, Lea Michele is kind of a c-word. But she’s sorry about that, so it’s okay.

This week’s sexy video is a follow-up on an earlier post we did here that featured Jessica Alba in a bikini for Harper’s Bazaar. Did I mention Jessica Alba in a bikini?

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Christina Hendricks wants to play Wonder Woman. Well, the name is definitely suited to her.

— Victoria Beckham removed her fake boobs, which I guess means we’ll never, EVER have to see her again.

— Speaking of old school hot babes doing dumb things, Jaime Pressly was arrested for DUI. Here’s her lovely mug shot.

— Mickey Rourke will be removing his front teeth to play gay rugby player, Gareth Thomas. There’s a sentence I never thought I would type.

— Toni Braxton is going to do Playboy. Guess that sort of thing becomes appealing when you file a $50 million Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

— Selena Gomez is getting death threats. From Justin Bieber fans. On Twitter. Sigh…

— Kim Kardashian debuted her new song. No, really. And there was video.

— Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift broke up. Didn’t see that one coming.

— In news I wish I hadn’t heard, Oksana Grigorieva says Mel Gibson used to beat her during sex because that’s the only way he could get it up.

— And now it’s time for This Week in Lindsay Lohan: Palm Desert police are adamant that LiLo violated her probation the night she allegedly attacked a Betty Ford employee and say she was definitely drunk – or even high – at the time. All of which means absolutely nothing.

— In other Betty Ford Clinic news, David Arquette is now it’s newest resident.

— Quick FYI, Kendra Wilkinson is being kind of a bitch to her man Hank Baskett. If you care.

— Remember how ‘different’ LeAnn Rimes looked this week in her bikini? Well, there’s a medical reason for that.

— Peter Brady is being sued for assault and battery. That also happened this week.

— And finally, the 2011 Sports Illustrated swimsuit video will be available in 3D. See, God does answer your prayers.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at FHM who were nice enough to track down Zoe Salmon (who?) and put her in some very sexy outfits stick her in a boxing ring and take a video of it.

Check out more of Zoe Salmon and the lingerie guide at FHM.com.

David Beckham is taking legal action against In Touch magazine after they published a prostitute’s detailed affair with him. A woman named Irma Nici alleges that she met with Beckham on five different occasions to have sex. She remembers it fondly rating him as a 7.5. Apparently, he really knew how to bend it.

Irma claims that after agreeing on a price of $10,000 to stay the night, the two spent the next hour engaged in steamy foreplay. Irma says she then “whipped out” a condom and the two had sex for 15 minutes, but it was “nothing freaky,” she remembers. “He was very gentle and kind.” On a scale of 1 to 10, Irma rates David a 7½ as a lover. “He knew what he was doing.” She also recalls that David used lotion from the hotel bathroom to pleasure himself. “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

To make matters worse for Beckham, former Elliot Spitzer madam Kristin Davis is backing up Nici’s story. She claims that she collaborated with the prostitute to get another girl for a threesome.

So it’s the word of a hooker + a madam vs. the word of an English soccer star. Given the Brit footballers’ affinity for whores these days, this is probably not going to end well for Becks. At the very least, we’re thankful that he’s moved on from ogling cheerleaders to allegedly banging busty tramps. I was getting worried there for awhile.

Remember the sex tape that is about to go public involving Kendra Wilkinson? Of course you do. Well, there’s even more news! One, it seems that Kendra’s sex tape involved multiple partners, aka was a gang bang. And two, Kendra’s husband Hank is reportedly thinking of divorcing her now. “Hank is totally upset and embarrassed. He’s so angry… The main reason he’s embarrassed is his team’s [possible] reaction.”

Speaking of divorce, Matt Lauer is also apparently headed for one. He and his wife Annette are “reportedly living apart and have been for more than two months, ever since [he] spent a string of “wild nights” in Vancouver covering the Winter Olympics.”

You may have read or seen this week a 17 year-old Miley Cyrus bumping and grinding up against a 44-year-old man. If not, go here. Now that you’re fully informed, someone asked Miley’s dad, Billy Ray, what he thought of the proceedings. Naturally he had no problem with it. “It’s what people her age do.” He went on to say his daughter was just “having fun.” Wow.

Heidi Montag called the cops on her mom. For reals. “Still reeling from her mother’s criticism of her intense plastic surgery makeover, Heidi Montag called police on her mother Thursday, claiming she was “psychotic” when she refused to leave.” At least her mom hasn’t disowned her, like her “husband’s” parents have. That day will come soon enough though.

Speaking of family issues, Cheryl Tweedy’s brother got arrested this week. “Andrew Tweedy was held just hours after the violent raid in which a gang of robbers waved a gun and machete at customers and staff before making off with thousands of pounds.” Cheryl is said to have been “in a state of shock”.

Taylor Momsen also almost got arrested this week for trying to take knives on a plane. Says Taylor, “I flew from New York to Los Angeles and still had a couple of knives in my purse. I thought I took them all out but they got tucked up in the folds. I went through security, took them on the plane, opened my bag to get my wallet in LA and they fell out. I was like: ‘Holy shit!’”

Russell Brand loves prostitutes. He also used to have a lot of groupie sex, of course, that was before he met Katy Perry. “When I was at my most promiscuous, I was like a charging locomotive…I had a team of experts who took care of finding women for me. They had very specific instructions. It was as if I was talking to a wine steward.”

Victoria Beckham apparently has really ugly feet. At least according to a recent poll. Yes, someone took a poll. 71% of Brits polled in a recent survey say she has horrible toes. In the same poll, 67% of respondents said Posh should have surgery to fix her feet. I just want to know who is looking at her feet. That’s not what I see when I look at Posh.

In other WAG news, Tito Ortiz will not face any charges for his domestic incident with Jenna Jameson. “The D.A. tells TMZ there was insufficient corroboration to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Tito had attacked his girlfriend Jenna Jameson. That could have something to do with the fact Jenna changed her story multiple times.”

Speaking of men with issues, Sean Penn was sentenced Wednesday to three years probation, 36 hours of anger management classes and 300 hours of community service after pleading no contest to misdemeanor vandalism charges related to a little trouble he had with the paparazzi last year.

And since we’re on the subject of men with issues, Russell Crowe is back in the news for his temper. Russell threw a hissy fit at BBC radio 4 host Mark Lawson when he asked the actor a question about his Robin Hood accent. Give it a listen.

And finally, a supermodel tried to off herself this week. Noemie Lenoir was found on the ground in a forest in La Celle-Saint-Cloud on the outskirts of Paris after allegedly taking a deadly cocktail of alcohol and drugs, the U.K.’s Daily Mail reports.

It’s not surprising to me that a British tabloid would comment on the sex life of one of it’s biggest stars, it’s their naivety that is a bit more disturbing. David Beckham, who tore his Achilles tendon recently is recovering with a cast on his leg and presumably, he has to wear it 24 hours a day until the injury is healed. And according to the Daily Star, he must now sit completely still which prevents him from having sex with wife, Victoria.

Lazy men be damned.

“But there are major disadvantages, including having to wear it in bed.

“As a result he has to lie flat on his back in bed and not move, otherwise he could cause further damage!

“So there’ll certainly be no action between the sheets with Victoria until it comes off.”

And the doctors have warned him not to get the boot wet, so baths and showers are a no-no.

I’m not going to provide a “How-to” on sex in this post, although, I’m tempted to discuss the pro’s and con’s of doggy-style technique on one leg. That would certainly aide Mr. Beckham in his sexual troubles. Not that he needs any advice, apparently if he can’t have sex lying down, him and Posh must be trying out some Kama-Sutra stuff I’ve never even seen. Although, I’m sure South Park’s Mr. Garrison can fill us in on some of the terminology.

DAVID AND VICTORIA BECKHAM’S 3 MONTH SEX BAN {The Daily Star}
Forget England’s World Cup Hopes; How About Posh And Becks’ Sex Life? {Deadspin}

There were, of course, a bunch of Oscar parties in Hollywood last night, which also meant that there were a lot of sexy celebrity babes all dressed up and looking their best. One of the best parties was the 18th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation Academy Award Party. There were way hotter babes here than at the actual show, by the way. I’m going to leave out photos of the babes I already covered in our Oscar coverage from Sunday night since you’ve already seen them (right?). Babes in attendance at Elton’s party included (in order below): Demi Lovato, Christina Hendricks, Michelle Rodriguez, Olivia Munn, Hayden Panettiere, Lea Michele, Eva Amurri, Stacey Dash (with Jamie Foxx), Heidi Klum, Gina Gershon, Malin Akerman, Milla Jovovich, Katie Price, Victoria Beckham, and Kelly Brook.

1974… Notre Dame defeats UCLA 71–70, ending the Bruins’ record 88-game winning streak. G. Gordon Liddy is found guilty of Watergate charges. ABBA wins the Eurovision Song Contest in Brighton, England. The Cleveland Indians stage an ill-advised Ten Cent Beer Night. And this group of sultry starlets were born…

Over the span of several weeks we will be taking a look at the sexiest women born between the years 1962 and 1991, culminating with you deciding which of these over 300 women is our 2010 Sexiest Woman of the Year. Each birth year offers something special with beautiful women representing countries around the globe. These lists feature actresses, models, singers, athletes… Trust me, no one is left out.

(Click the pics to see more of each lady.)

Be sure to vote at the end of this post for who you think is the sexiest of this group!

- – - – - – - – 1974 – - – - – - – -

Chloë Sevigny (American actress) – – – – – – – – – Grace Park (Canadian actress)

Amber Valletta (American model, actress) – – – – – – – – – Victoria Beckham (British singer)

Eva Mendes (American actress) – – – – – – – – – Victoria Silvstedt (Swedish model)

Jewel Kilcher (American singer) – – – – – – – – – Vida Guerra (American model)

Tricia Helfer (Canadian actress) – – – – – – – – – Tiffani Thiessen (American actress)

CLICK HERE TO VIEW AND VOTE FOR THE LADIES OF OTHER YEARS!

And considering her husband’s wandering eye and affinity for girls in uniforms, can you blame her?

Related cheerleader posts:

Perverted camerman spies on cheerleaders
Bubble Watch, how are the Cheerleaders?
College Football kickoff-Cheerleader of the Day
Cheerleader Camel Toe
Cheerleader Caption Contests

on 205th recommends…

You will most assuredly disagree with my rankings so I am going to let you do a little voting. We’ll do this in 10 posts of 10 WAGs each with you picking the one you think is the hottest from each group of 10 then one big WAG blowout at the end to determine which babe is the #1 seed going into the new year.

And when we’re through, you’ll have a photo collection of over 550 pics of hot WAGs for your spanking viewing pleasure. Sound good? Excellent… (poll at the bottom)

WAGs: 81-90 | 91-100.

80. Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace
Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace is an English glamour model, television personality and fashion designer reported to have been dating Portsmouth player Jermain Defoe as well as former boxer Mike Tyson.

79. Rena Mero Lesnar
Rena Mero Lesnar is an American model, actress, and former professional wrestler married to American mixed martial artist and UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar.

78. Joanna Taylor
Joanna Taylor is an English actress married to England footballer Danny Murphy.

77. Rachel Hunter
Rachel Hunter is a model, actress and reality TV show host currently engaged to ice hockey player Jarret Stoll.

76. Eva Longoria Parker
Eva Longoria Parker is an American film and television actress married NBA guard Tony Parker.

75. Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian is an American socialite, model, and television personality currently dating American football player Reggie Bush.

74. Victoria Beckham
Victoria Beckham is an English singer, fashion designer and model currently married to English football midfielder David Beckham.

73. Carly Zucker
Carly Zucker is an English fitness trainer who lives with England midfielder Joe Cole.

72. Bec Hewitt
Bec Hewitt is an Australian actress and singer married to Australian tennis player Lleyton Hewitt.

71. Jodi Ann Paterson
Jodi Ann Paterson is an American model and actress married to American retired CART and Formula One driver and current Indy Racing League team owner Michael Andretti.

Your turn! Cast your vote!
And be sure to vote here too! WAGs: 81-90 | 91-100

We’ll be back in a few days with #’s 61-70.

All I can think is that she must be magical in the sack. She has to be. Why else would David Beckham, who I believe could just about bag any woman on the planet, still be hanging around with her? I guess he could still be with her because he loves her or some crap… nah…

More pics of Victoria Beckham here to help you decide.

Help me out with other Hot or Nots, please?

Are you really telling me these chicks are there for their love of sports? And could someone tell me why Kourtney Kardashian and Brady Quinn got invites to this thing? They have absolutely no connection to sports whatsoever.

UPDATE: The ESPY’s even have bodypainted chicks, thus cementing my notion.

Now the question becomes, which one of these ladies sports the colors the best?

Kate Beckinsale has given the go-ahead for her nine-year-old daughter to date Posh and Becks’ oldest son.

She said: “I am dreading the day Lily brings home a boy.

“But she and the Beckham boys get on really well. So if she did have to have a boyfriend, then I suppose Brooklyn would get my seal of approval!”

Meanwhile, Victoria Beckham is doing her alien-best to make sure that we the people of earth do not get to have as much joy as possible.

Victoria Beckham helps her mates when she can, and new pal Kate Beckinsale is no exception.

Kate said: “She gave me nipple covers. You don’t want your little peas sticking out, do you?”

Damn you, Tom Cruise!!

Daily Mirror | 2

Uh, WTF is Victoria Beckham wearing? Maybe her being on the Worst Dressed List wasn’t such a travesty after all.