Guyism » Video games

In China, their meter maids look like Lara Croft

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 25 May 2012 19:50:04 +0000

Aside from making pretty much everything we use and wear, the Chinese also have a bold means of telling off parking violators: by dressing up as the star of the Tomb Raider, Lara Croft.

The above, courtesy of Kotaku, is an example of what bored college students do for fun over there, apparently: they don Lara Croft garb and shoot illegally parked drivers with guns that contain suction cup bullets as ammo, handing out warnings. Why? Why not?

If they made a ‘Tetris’ movie, it would look a lot like this

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 25 May 2012 19:15:26 +0000

Naturally, with the advent of the Battleship flick, YouTube video makers have been churning out parodies, and this one for Tetris honestly doesn’t look half bad.

If I was to search YouTube, I’d probably find dozens of similar examples (but I’m bothering to check, because it’s Memorial Day Weekend and I’m already feeling pretty lazy). But the above certainly looks cool, doesn’t it?

The visual of the sky being littered by slowly falling Tetrominos (which is the official term for the blocks; just because I’m lazy doesn’t meant I can’t spread knowledge, yo) is, I dunno, kind of beautiful?

Please note: when I first saw the teaser for Battleship last year, I was genuinely amused. And this was right before Cowboys & Aliens, which I also thought was an okay flick, so I might just have the worst taste ever.

Game consoles are superior than PCs says guy in his kitchen

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 25 May 2012 18:23:45 +0000

For years, gamers have argued which platforms are better: consoles or PCs. And finally we have an answer, thanks to do someone who wears sunglasses indoors.

The above, courtesy of Destructoid, is fanboy-ism at it’s best: a diehard gamer trying to demystify sales figures, yet also referring to metacritic numbers. Again, as if they truly mean anything.

I used to do the same thing, defending the Genesis against everyone else with a SNES. Back when I was 12 years old. Nice to know that some continue the fight, well into their 20s/30s, and also delivered like a crappy wrestling promo as well.

Someone re-wrote the script to ‘Shaq Fu’

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 24 May 2012 21:45:27 +0000

Those of you in their thirties: remember the Shaq Fu for the Super Nintendo, which starred the just getting hot b-baller in a fighting game? Among its many qualities was a fairly wretched script. Well, at long last, that part at least has been fixed.

According to Tiny Cartridge, someone went through the effort to update the script found in that game, in the form of a patch. The end result is Schmuck Fu, which according to the author:

“Here’s your chance to play the game with a script that spends less time kissing Shaq’s butt and more time being entertaining.”

For the morbidly curious who simply do not have the time to figure out how to patch an old SNES rom, here’s a video of the modified game in action. Simply watch and lie to your friends that you actually played Schmuck Fu yourself. I’m sure no one will notice.

‘Kickbeat’ combines kung fu and your music collection

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 24 May 2012 20:15:13 +0000

The Vita has different problems than the Kinect, but the issue for both is the same: awesome hardware, limp software. There’s a chance that kung fu might aid Microsoft’s motion sensing device, but what about Sony’s portable? Kickbeat certainly looks like it has the potential.

From the makers of Zen Pinball comes a martial arts beat ‘em up that’s entirely driven by music, a concept that the trailer above somewhat gets across. Details can be found via the PlayStation Blog, which paints a mighty enticing picture.

But here’s the best part: you’ll be able to use your own music collection in the game. Now, we’re talking. More music games need to let you use the music you want to hear! Just forget the fact that putting your own mp3s is somewhat of a pain, at least on a Mac.

No word yet on the release date; let’s just hope the Vita is around long enough for the game’s completion.

‘Steel Battalion Heavy Armor’ for Kinect lets you control a robot tank

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 24 May 2012 19:00:15 +0000

I love the Kinect, but not so much the majority of games available for the platform. Sure Dance Central 1 & 2 are both excellent, but there has to be more than just dancing if it’s ever to thrive and survive. That’s where Steel Battalion Heavy Armor comes in.

It’s the sequel to what’s easily the most hardcore mecha (which is a catch-all term for anything related to giant robots, especially from Japan) video game ever devised, for the original Xbox, which made a name for itself with a custom controller that had 40 some odd buttons on it.

Many had been hoping for a next gen sequel, but even the most hardcore knew that no one would dare produce another behemoth of a peripheral. So Heavy Armor solves that by completely doing away with the previous interface.

The result, quite honest, is not half bad. It definitely worked for me, when I played the demo at PAX East. And another has just went live on the XBLA marketplace. Could also be the same one that’s been at trade shows, not sure, since I don’t have a Kinect at home.

But so long as Kinect games keep coming that doesn’t require one to cut the rug (which just isn’t feasible in my tiny Manhattan apartment), the platform has a real chance for longevity. And hence why Steel Battalion Heavy Armor might be one of its most important releases to date, when all is said and done.

Meet Guiseppe, the other Mario Brother

Matt Hawkins — Wed, 23 May 2012 21:40:49 +0000

Turns out, there’s more than just two Mario Bros. In addition to Mario and Luigi, you also have Guiseppe, whom you’ve never heard about. And for good reason; dude’s kind of boring.

The latest from Dorkly is, admittedly, a fairly tired and clichéd set-up: what if there was a third Mario Brother, and what if he was actually a plumber who lives a rather downtrodden and boring plumber’s life?

But the execution is pretty decent, at least I think. Either that or that the joke about Yoshi taking a crap on the rug was super effective on me. Probably that.

‘Street Fighter’ 25th Anniversary Collector’s Set will cost you

Matt Hawkins — Wed, 23 May 2012 19:30:07 +0000

It’s the 25th anniversary of the Street Fighter franchise. So developer and publisher Capcom, well known for nickel and diming their customers, is readying a special edition that’s, not surprisingly, pricey as hell.

Some may argue that the Street Fighter 25th Anniversary Collector’s Set is in fact a good deal, but let’s break it down. First, four games are included: Super Turbo HD Remix (great game, marred by poorly applied high res graphics, by the way) and Third Strike are both still awesome and all, but are also dirt cheap when you just get them individually on XBLA or PSN.

Then there’s Super SF4 Arcade Edition, which is again like $20 if you look hard enough, and Street Fighter X Tekken, which is brand new and also kind of sucks. All totaled, it’s not quite the asking prices of $150, but I guess when you consider how all the DLC is included, then you might be saving about $100 or something equally ridiculous.

The set also includes some documentaries about the franchise’s legacy and lots of anime. The animated SF2 flick from back in the day, every episodes of the series, plus a pair of SF4 flicks that I had no idea even existed. Sorry, the live action movie starring Van Damme doesn’t look to be included.

Furthermore, there’s an 11-disc soundtrack, the obligatory art book (which is only 64 pages, and that’s pretty dumb, given how much visual history there is to cover), a light up state of Ryu, his belt, and a certificate of authenticity. People still care about that kind of stuff? Plus it all comes in this “snazzy” box…

It’ll be available later this year, so start saving that scratch right now. Here’s some advice: don’t bother with any Capcom DLC from now till then. You’re sure to have an easy $200 in the bank account.

‘Zombie Playground’ might be a Kickstarter worth funding

Matt Hawkins — Wed, 23 May 2012 16:20:31 +0000

At this point it takes a lot for any video game related Kickstarter to truly stand out. Thankfully, in the case of Zombie Playground, it has a decent premise, some killer concept, plus more.

The concept is simple: you’re a kid who must take down zombies that have infested your elementary school. You’ll be fighting alongside school chums, who are other players online, and your arsenal will include toys plus random junk found in class and the like.

Actually, it might be a bit more complicated than that; the game’s creators keep saying it’s “a zombie apocalypse as seen through his or her imagination.” Honestly not sure what that means. So is there no actual undead infestation, or one is happening, which the kids are viewing in some other manner?

And there isn’t even any actual game footage as of yet. Which makes sense, since that’s the point of the Kickstarter: to raise money to make the game in the first place. But the concept art that is being used is simply fantastic, and if the final product will be able to match up, then it’s sure to be a home run.

But the reason why I’m personally excited is because it’s sounding an awful like an updated version of Zombies Ate My Neighbors, one of my all time fave games from back in the day. Granted, if that was indeed the case, they would have stated as such, since what zombie loving video game maker worth their salt doesn’t know about that 16-bit classic?

Anyhow, fingers crossed. To donate, simply click here.

‘Kung Fu Superstar’ might be the first good non-dancing Kinect game

Matt Hawkins — Tue, 22 May 2012 21:45:12 +0000

The Kinect is in desperate need for a good game that doesn’t have Dance and Central in its title. And something that appeals to folks who aren’t into Lady Gaga and Flo Rida. So how about Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan?

Kung Fu Superstar is from Kinesthetic Games, a brand new studio comprised of former Lionhead, EA, and Codemasters folk, an impressive pedigree to say the least. Their aim to create a Kinect game that finally appeals to hardcore gamers, who aren’t simply interested in burning some calories but legit what to know what it feels to karate chop someone in the face.

Sure there are plenty of games that offers the same, by waving one’s arms around like an idiot but this game (supposedly) offers the chance to use actual marital arts stances and moves. Though it remains to be seen if the hardware will actually allow such a feat. Because, if it was indeed that easy, perhaps someone would have created such a game already.

No word yet on when it will be released. I’m guessing later this year.

New Bond game ’007 Legends’ doesn’t look half bad

Matt Hawkins — Tue, 22 May 2012 20:20:47 +0000

To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the franchise, a brand new James Bond game called 007 Legends is being prepped for later this year. And to be honest, it doesn’t look half bad.

The game covers a number of Bond’s best and most popular flicks, like Moonraker, which is good news to me since I LOVED that flick. More will be revealed as the release date approaches, which will be this October.

007 Legends is being developed by the same folks behind the GoldenEye update for the Wii, Xbox 360, and PS3, and was actually pretty damn good. Unfortunately, many fans of the original didn’t bother, due to the fact that virtually every Bond game in-between has totally sucked. Force of habit.

Though it remains to be seen if Daniel Craig will be inserted in the place of Roger Moore, like he did for Pierce Brosnan in the aforementioned remake. Would be neat.

Disgruntled girlfriends of ‘Diablo 3′ players in France offered a free vibrator

Matt Hawkins — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:00:31 +0000

It’s somewhat doubtful that a French woman who is annoyed with her boyfriend’s newfound obsession with Diablo 3 might be reading this. But just in case, if you are indeed such a person, you are eligible for a free sex toy.

The offer comes from Absoloo, a French sex toy maker, who is all to eager to perpetuate the oh so funny stereotype that women are cast to the side when their a brand new video game nabs the attention of their significant others.

But hey, this is the nation that embraced Jerry Lewis as a comedic genius, so color me less than surprised. Anyhow, and as The Escapist explains, women who are legit interested in the free vibrator must post a pic of themselves with the game on their Facebook page.

I’ve looked high and low and I can’t seem to find any examples, unless Facebook in France somehow works differently.

Watch R2-D2 totally tear it up in ‘Grand Theft Auto 4′

Matt Hawkins — Mon, 21 May 2012 21:40:41 +0000

Another week, another wacky GTA 4 mod. Out guest star last time was the leader of the Autobots, so this time? The last good thing about Star Wars.

Though I will say, I certainly wouldn’t mind a mod in which Niko Bellic has been altered to resemble Boba Fett, even though the once mysterious bounty hunter has since become overexposed and flat out ruined by Lucas’ machinations in recent years.

Still, R2 will always be awesome no matter what, and the main reason why he trumps the Optimus mod, in my mind at least, is how he’s actually true to scale here. Yes, that kind of stuff matters to me.

If ‘Star Fox’ X ‘Metroid’ sounds crazy, how about ‘Left 4 Dead’ X ‘Payday’?

Matt Hawkins — Mon, 21 May 2012 20:15:18 +0000

Over the weekend, a pair of totally wacky and impossible to believe video game pair-ups were rumored. And it turns out, one of them is actually legit?

First off, the Paul Gale Network was the first to report something called Star Fox – Metroid: Fusion Saga for the Wii U, which would combine both IPs into a game that would have both first and third person perspective, depending on whom you’re controlling.

Furthermore, there’s areal combat, and it’s being produced by Retro Studio, the party behind Metroid Prime. Again, everyone’s intergalactic bounty hunting hottie and every furry’s fave Nintendo character will be sharing breathing space. Sounds like a load of bull, right?

Well, it comes from an absolutely no name outlet (run by a guy that likes to pretend that he’s a real life Street Fighter character). But this same person was the very first to break news of that lousy Smash Bros rip off from Sony, so maybe there’s some validity to such news?

Meanwhile, the makers of Payday: The Heist, that first person co-op bank robbing sim that came out late last year to a certain degree of acclaim, have announced a “blend” of that game and Left 4 Dead, which everyone knows as that four player co-op zombie killing sim.

Sounds… interesting to say the least. We’ll definitely hear about both, if the former actually exists that is, at E3.

Tebowing to be included in ‘Madden 2013′

Matt Hawkins — Mon, 21 May 2012 18:15:04 +0000

So I was perplexed by Tim Tebow not making the cover of the upcoming Madden update, but at least we’re getting his now iconic touchdown pose.

The news was broken by the game’s producer via Twitter. Basically, make a virtual touchdown, and you’ll get the chance to virtually thank the big guy upstairs.

And hopefully the big G himself will be the guiding light for towards a winning season and not leave you out to totally high plus dry like he did Tebow and the rest of the Broncos last year.

Behold the ultimate gaming man cave

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 18 May 2012 17:20:30 +0000

There are people with insane video game collections, and then there are people with insane video game collections. Like a man who goes by the moniker 16bitghost, who is basically a god among men in my book.

The video above has been spreading like wildfire for the past few days, ever since it first popped up on Reddit. And for good reason: it’s absolutely awe-inspiring.

Not sure what else needs to be said, other than to point out how the dude has a Philips CD-i. I repeat: the dude has a Philips CD-i.

Bonus video: here’s a video produced just yesterday, which answers some of the most common questions that have popped up since the first one exploded.

Fun-fact: dude often just likes to chill in his room and not even play games. Instead, just being around all those classic systems just makes him feel good. Guess what? I totally get that.

Doesn’t it suck that you can’t play ‘Diablo 3′?

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 18 May 2012 15:45:28 +0000

Otherwise you’d be able to slaughter a bunch of helpless unicorns and teddy bears, whose only crime is being denizens of someplace called “Whimsyshire.”.

The video above is, understandably, very popular. Not just because it’s a fairly hilarious secret level Here are instructions on how to reach it, for all parities interested.

No, part of the reason for its popularity is how it offers the chance for people to see the game in action, which is just not possible, even among those who actually own the game.

Since day one, many have not been able to connect with Blizzard’s servers, which is necessary to play. It was “somewhat” understandable on day one, but we’re into day three or four and the problem persists for a vast majority of players.

Sure Blizzard is working around the clock to fix the issue (with solutions that have proven completely ineffective), but they given how they honestly knew how much demand there would be, the issue is beyond embarrassing and borderline retarded at this point.

Harley Quinn is looking for revenge as a DLC for ‘Batman: Arkham City’

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 18 May 2012 13:00:06 +0000

Spoiler alert: the Joker totally dies at the end of Batman: Arkham City. Sorry, but the name of the upcoming downloadable bonus campaign pretty much reveals this fact.

It’s called Harley Quinn’s Revenge, and as you can see, it features the Joker’s girlfriend, who is very much pissed about her main man being taken about by the caped crusader. Who in turn has taken him out.

Hence why you play as Robin for a good deal of the time. Yay. But you also play at Batman himself, the game’s maker assures us all. Harley Quinn’s Revenge will be available as DLC for all existing owners of Arkham City, or will be pre-loaded in the Game of the Year Edition.

Both are due next week, on May 29. Never mind the September 7 date in the trailer, that’s for Europeans (I couldn’t find an American version of the trailer above, for whatever reason, sorry for the confusion).

Time to see, and hear, a bit more of ‘Halo 4′

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 17 May 2012 19:20:19 +0000

Yesterday we learned about the upcoming Limited Edition version of Halo 4, including all the extras that are included. But what about the main course? Finally we have some new solid info.

The above, in addition to having a decent chunk of gameplay footage (the game more or less looks the same as Halo 3 and all its variants… not that it’s a bad thing, mind you), is also chock full of info.

Like a new type of enemy, which is a “big secret,” one that was recently spoiled by the back of the box of the upcoming line of toys. Plus, the game takes places somewhere new: Requiem. Original name guys. But most exciting, in my mind, is word of other Spartans.

Specifically, those who are supposedly superior to good ol’ Master Chief. Interesting. Since day one, 4 was touted as having more story, so encountering successors definitely holds potential. But there’s also the possibility of a beloved character being ruined by an overdose of backstory.

Thankfully he won’t be talking up a storm; a slew of brand new “friends” will help take care of that. I just hope this doesn’t turn out like Metroid: Other M, in which Samus went from a silent, but deadly, bounty hunting vixen to some blabbermouth chick with daddy issues.

Now ‘Pokemon’ is being used to endorse Ron Paul

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 17 May 2012 14:40:26 +0000

Remember Herman Cain, the Godfather’s Pizza baron who tried to be the next President? Specifically his love for Pokemon? Well Nintendo’s pocket monster are back in the political spotlight, this time connected to another nominee: Ron Paul.

No, the Republican hopeful that’s still in the running, but whom the mainstream news has all but forgotten about, isn’t a fan of Ash and Pikachu himself. But Jason Paige is, who sang the original Pokemon theme back in the day, and who also supports Ron Paul.

Despite one’s feeling about the candidate, the song above is pretty neat. Now all we need is Obama to get the voice of Optimus Prime to cut a promo for him, and the Presidential race will officially become exciting.