Elizabeth on the traits that make her popular with men…

“I can hang with the dudes because I love beef and baseball and driving fast and flirting. I understand where men are coming from and I’m interested in typically male endeavors. But I can also wear the short skirt and cheerlead.”

On what she calls “awesome”…

“Prison rodeos. Google this shit! I’m dying to go!”

What makes her laugh…

“You’ll never see me in a T-shirt that has the body of a skinny lady wearing a bikini. But that fact that it exists really tickles me. And I think it’s hilarious when a fat lady wears it. Fat lady wearing it, hilarious. Guy in it, even funnier.”

Is she married?

And as if that wasn’t enough, there’s this…

In related news, I’d trust this guy with teaching me “advanced sexual maneuvers” like I’d trust a plumber to teach me advanced HTML 5 programming. Maybe this dude’s a dynamo slinging wood all over like a Musketeer with a sword, I don’t know. But he looks like a well-dressed British villain on ABC mid-90s cartoon Capitol Critters and that doesn’t scream “cocksman” to me.

VIDEO: KSWB Anchor Asks Wrong Guest About Being Great in Bed [TV Spy]

I have been trumpeting the talents of Catrinel Menghia for months now and was finally vindicated when she appeared in arguably the sexiest Super Bowl commercial ever on Sunday trying to sell cars for Fiat. Now we get more reasons why I still think she was robbed in the Sports Illustrated model search last year as she did another smoking hot photo shoot for Lise Charmel. And in case you missed that ad or like me just want to see it again, here you go…

(She’s Romanian by the way, not Italian, what an actress.)

In related news, this kid is really smart because his suit really distracts you from how horrible he is at life. Normally you’d associate what this kid is doing with someone of a far lesser social class. But he’s wearing that suit so, obviously, he’s a gentleman through and through. A gentleman covered in paint and pepper spray with ruptured testicles, but a gentleman all the same.

Early Bird Special [The Daily What]

This is so alarmingly unfunny and racially insensitive that it has to be some sort of double reverse flip troll or something. Are we the ones who are the racists? Do black people actually exist? Who am I supposed to thank for the many uses of peanuts?

He’s like a young Andy Kaufman, only with tastelessness and shoddy face paint in lieu of talent.

Guy In Blackface Asks Brigham Young Students About Black History Month [Buzzfeed]

Really glad all the cameramen saw what an amazing photo opportunity it was when the President started pumping up the cannon. The sound of a thousand cameras clicking at once has never occurred at such a meaningless moment.

Have to question the security process for this science fair, though. What’s to say that Joey from Phoenix isn’t part of a sleeper cell planning on taking out our government infrastructure with his high powered marshmallow-based weaponry? You may have just given a supervillain all the intellectual start-up capital he needed. Way to go, team.

Obama Firing Marshmallow Cannon: “WOW! OH-WOW!” [Gizmodo]

That one redneck-y dude whose wife was making him put away the Christmas tree was about as close as you’ll get to seeing domestic violence happen during a late night talk show comedy segment.

Either way, I most enjoyed seeing the big girl stand up for herself at the end. When you’re a fat girl jamming to Madonna in a Ryan Fitzpatrick jersey, you’ve got nothing to lose. It’s about time the world realizes that.

What else can one say about Kate that the video doesn’t say for itself? The folks over at Sports Illustrated must be thanking the heavens that she fell into their lap. I wonder if they knew she’d be this popular when they signed her up last year? Looking at her in this video, they probably did.

And people say Hollywood is creatively bereft. Two young stars remaking a movie less than ten years old based on a property that’s been popular for fifty years sounds like a delightful new invention to me. Definitely excited to see Spider-Man, the Dark Knight with Douche Hair this summer.

The Amazing Spider-Man hits theatres on July 3rd.

I’m just sad they ran out of time in the ad. The shots of Broderick pissing on an old reel of the film or Alan “Cameron” Ruck berating his agent for not getting him a cameo probably would have made the commercial pop a bit more.

Double Take of the Day [The Daily What]

I’m not at all mad at this. I really enjoyed Nazi-zombie movie Dead Snow and believe that making zombies formerly hateable people is lot more logical than making them people who lived a good life. Unless the zombie terrorists get 72 virgins despite not technically leaving their mortal coil. I could live without a zombie sex scene. I saw Bridges of Madison County. That was enough.

Osombie – Osama Bin Laden Zombie Slasher Action Film Trailer [Viral Viral Videos]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Making a good Super Bowl commercial is hard. It takes months, if not years, of planning and research to make people remember your company’s ad. Conversely, 30 seconds of awfulness can make people remember you too, but for all the wrong reasons. Here are seven ads which definitely fall into the latter category.

6 Christopher Reeve walking – Nuveen Investments, 2000
In 2000, paralyzed former Superman star Christopher Reeve “appeared” in this commercial. The message was that in the future, a whole lot of crazy crap is going to happen. Including, apparently, Christopher Reeve’s head being grafted to the body of a giant.

The goal of the commercial was to touch the hearts of Americans everywhere. Instead, everyone just kind of went, “Uh, that was creepy” and awkwardly took a bite out of their chicken wings. Oh also no one had any clue what Nuveen Investments did either because the commercial was really vague and almost made Nuveen Investments seem like an evil corporation from the future. Probably like the one that made Robocop.

5 Meet the official Holiday Inn transsexual – Holiday Inn, 1997
The gist of this commercial was that being a man getting a sex change was basically what Holiday Inn was doing to their hotels. Why this would make you want to stay there, no one was really sure, but if it’s good enough for Seinfeld’s Kenny Banya, it’s good enough for me.

The commercial was universally disliked and even resulted in some boycotts from various gay/transsexual/transgender groups. Probably not even for the hurtful depiction of their people, but rather for the tremendous slap in the face of being compared to a Holiday Inn.

4 White guys hunt down Kenyan, give him shoes – Just for Feet, 1999
There are few situations in which white men hunting down a black guy is going to make for a nicely received ad. This ad falls in line with that bold theorem on my part.

The premise if you’re too lazy to click: A Kenyan guy is walking around, being barefoot and Kenyan when some white guys in a Hummer drug him, capture him, then put sneakers on him. Eventually, he gets up all wobbly and runs, trying to free himself from these strange objects on his feet. The ad was so poorly received that it got a feature story on how bad it was on Salon.com, got the ad agency behind it sued (Saatchi & Saatchi, the agency in question, would countersue for Just for Feet’s ineptitude), and had a hand in Just for Feet’s bankruptcy later that year. So yeah, that turned out well.

3 Lemmings – Apple, 1985
In 1984, Apple had what some have called the most amazing commercial ever with their cleverly titled ad “1984”, a name which no one has ever been able to decipher the meaning of. Amidst pressure to possibly match that ad, they came up with another artistic bizarre ad that, well, sucked. Hard.

The commercial was so poorly reviewed that Apple stayed away from Super Bowl ads until 1999. And to make the indignities suffered to viewers worse, this is the one Apple commercial that has a bunch of people dying gruesome deaths, yet Justin Long and his smug Mac-loving face are nowhere to be found. Bastards.

2 Salesgenie.com and their racist panda bears – Salesgenie.com, 2008
After a 2007 Super Bowl ad universally rated as the worst one of the year, Salesgenie.com came back determined to make more awful ads that would stick with viewers for being so awful. Seriously, they even distributed a press release about it. Well they can wipe their hands thusly because this certainly proved to be a job well done.

It may shock you to learn that this ad never ran again amidst protests from Asian groups for A) Being racist and B) Finding a way to make pandas seem utterly annoying (do you know how hard that is? Look at this guy!). Also I fail to see how pandas could be running a profitable business, particularly when it’s a business selling furniture made of their favorite food. I’d find myself wholly incapable of selling Hamburger Chairs so it wouldn’t be fair to expect more from my cartoon pandas.

1 Fred Astaire dances with vacuums – Dirt Devil, 1997
I don’t think this was the first in the tacky “Dead Guy Sells Product” type of ads, but it was definitely one of the earlier ones. And what better way to honor probably the only masculine dancer ever than by putting a vacuum in his hands.

This second one is for Kia and features Adriana in a bikini, waving a checkered flag… for 5 hours. I shit you not.

You’re still watching, aren’t you?

Somewhere, Kim Jong-Il is looking on proudly. Particularly because their performance required no electricity or food of any substance. Ghost Kim Jong-Il gotta get his, too.

And everything you’ll see is also from one person, Balázs Kalocsai, whose stuff has made the rounds for quite some time now (including Destructoid most recently).

The purists out there will surely object by saying that the visuals aren’t truly 8-bits, since there’s quite a bit of HD gloss going on. And to be honest, I’m one of those people. But anyway, first up is Max Payne 3…

I personally dig his 8-bit Red Dead Redemption the most, and just wish it was longer!

Then you have 8-bit Batman: Arkham City, which misses the mark completely, simply by virtue of not having “bitch” uttered enough times…

Once again, Kalocsai is no stranger to most gaming blogs, primarily due to his 8-bit Assassin’s Creed, which blew up last summer. And cuz I think I never got around to posting it the first time…

And finally we have… 8-bit Tony Montana in the original Mario Bros. Ummm, okay I guess…

I feel kind of bad for the guy eating a bag of chips leisurely. He had nothing to do with the explosion but he looks like the bigger idiot for it. People with a love of salted snack foods deserve better treatment than that. They have rights, too. Rights covered in greasy fingerprints and a cloud of incompetence, but rights nonetheless.

Never change the oil in Michael Bay’s car [Boingboing]

I’m a big Jack in the Box fan and wish it were still around in the NYC area. At the same time, based on this commercial, I’d be a little hesitant when I ordered a bacon burger and found it doused in special sauce.

Snooki did not partake in the balloon popping competition because she has a fear of balloons. I don’t know how she came up with something more absurd than the competition itself, but there you go.

Obviously there was no malice intended, but I felt like I was watching James Woods in Ghosts of Mississippi..it may not be someone actually being racist, but it felt enough like a hate crime that I want to tweet Reverend Al Sharpton with it to make it stop.

Either way, congrats to this guy on his obscenely emasculating skill. On the plus side, impromptu naps have never been so simple and shameful at once.

Man Passes Out From Being Tickled [Viral Viral Videos]

Couple tips:
-Turn off the TV when filming a video to win over a celebrity. Your mom listening to Home Shopping Network did not convince Mila of your viability as a mate;
-Your “seductive and smooth” voice sounds eerily similar to your “I’m going to violently masturbate onto your unconscious body” voice;
-Sitting next to a plastic plant on a tacky couch betrays the “I’m a handsome man about town” comedy gimmick you’re trying to play here. The Marine dude had Afghanistan as a backdrop. You have a Target candle holder. The precedent has been set, try to keep up.

Good luck, young man.