Police documents obtained by The Smoking Gun say that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy [ED NOTE: Police say that it was a light saber which he rubbed his splooge on] along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.”

Black then threw the magazine behind some toys and headed out when police confronted him and brought him in.

The battery charge stems from the fact that Black wiped his goo on the toy, leaving it a reasonable assumption that a child might come into the store and come in contact with his jizz.

I’m pretty offended by this story. Not that the guy jacked it in the middle of the toy aisle at Walmart because, come on, who hasn’t been there? But rather because he’s beating it to a magazine that came out seven months ago that hasn’t been worthy fap material for decades. I mean if you’re deadset on fapping in an appropriate public place, at least the Apple Store has an Internet connection. That seems like a better idea to me than old photos of Brooklyn Decker while GI Joe’s watchful eyes are forced to take in your shame.

Cleanup In Aisle Three [The Smoking Gun]

Drunk, sluttily dressed, and perfectly content to shop at Walmart? Be still my beating heart!

I’d be neglecting my duties if I didn’t point out that there’s an 80-percent chance that this is just the most brazen date rape ever. He probably just picked up a whole lot of Robitussin in aisle six, picked up some Slim Jims, then found her in the “little girl shorts” section and had a brilliant scheme. People may trash Walmart for its big box mentality, but you really can’t doubt the ease of finding everything you need.

Part of me was hoping she noticed the man recording him and then mauled him to death like a wild tiger. That’s the problem with old people these days…not acting enough like tigers. Fact.

Old Lady Dancing At Walmart [Buzzfeed]

At first the women thought he was joking. But Fousek was persistent [ED. NOTE: The sign of a good salesman!] which led them to become suspicious and report it to the police.

Police arrested both Fousek and Tomasini at their home. Officers said the couple appeared high on meth. The police report claims that Tomasini was also breastfeeding the baby while under the influence of drugs, which probably made “Dora the Explorer” even more riveting.

The couple was allegedly trying to get $25 for the six-month-old.

Well, Fousek and Tomasini are both dirtbags, to be sure. But, if you’re Walmart, you have to be kind of happy about this publicity. Even people trying to sell a baby in your parking lot know that you have to roll back prices. Obviously, selling babies isn’t a great business model, but you have to admire how these two kept in line with Walmart’s corporate messaging. That baby would have been at least $59.99 at Target.

Police: Calif Couple Tried to Sell Baby at Walmart [ABC News]

Black shoppers in a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, were asked a favor from a male voice on an intercom Sunday night.

“Attention Wal-Mart customers: All black people leave the store now,” a male voice calmly announced to the entire store.

Officials of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. are reviewing security tapes trying to determine who used the southern New Jersey store’s public-address system to make this ridiculous announcement.

Company spokeswoman Ashley Hardie says the incident was “unacceptable.” The retailer is looking to prevent other asinine comments from happening in the future.

My guess? It had to be that smiley face mascot jerk. He’s already shown he has no regard for Wal-Mart’s business, lowering prices to levels so cheap that you’d be insane not to buy. Plus he pretty clearly seems to hate black people. See how he tips his cap to the older white women but simply ignores the black people in this commercial? All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t be shocked if Wal-Mart had a few burning cross specials under the bouncing smiley face guy’s stewardship.

“Attention Wal-Mart Customers: All Black People Leave the Store Now” [CBS News]

The South Kitsap Wal-Mart was evacuated Sunday after a 51-year-old Belfair man allegedly dumped “Stink Bombs” liquid and sprayed “Super Fart Spray” inside the store.

South Kitsap Fire & Rescue crews were sent to the store at about 12:40 p.m. Sunday for a reported hazardous-material incident. A man was reportedly throwing onto the floor a liquid that was creating a severe smell and causing headaches.

The man said he did it because he thought it would be funny.

The man’s girlfriend, a 46-year-old Belfair woman, said she was shopping and didn’t know what he was doing.

The man is reportedly banned from Walmart in the future and may be subject to prosecution, presumably for vandalism.

I’m not surprised that he’d get into such trouble with Walmart though. It’s probably not safe to make people think there might be a chemical leak or some foreign substances in a typically crowded area. But they were probably mad that he found a way to make Walmart smell much classier than it typically would. “It smells here like one of them big city boutiques in hurr,” one shopper was undoubtedly overheard saying.

Man Stinks Up Port Orchard Wal-Mart, Thinking It’s Funny [Kitsap Sun]

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It’s a pretty special occasion because I’m actually going to give someone credit today. That’s a pretty entertaining commercial and perhaps even a bit edgy for Walmart. When you consider the fact that their most successful ad campaign was a bouncy CGI smiley face making its way around a store knocking down prices, this is a pretty stark contrast. The only way they could have made something even more edgy is if they had the smiley face lower prices by kidnapping them, putting bags over their heads, then threatening to cut the prices’ heads off if Walmart didn’t give in to his demands. It might offend some people, but at least you’d know they were serious about low prices.

Cameron Aulner doesn’t think of himself as a hero. The wheelchair-bound Colorado resident says he just did what anyone else would do when he saved a little girl from a child molester right in the Walmart where he works.

Witnesses say a man sexually assaulted a young girl inside a Walmart in Westminster on Sept. 19, picked her up and then tried to flee the store, KDVR FOX 31 TV reported.

Aulner, 22, was working at the Comcast table in the front when he heard the commotion. He tackled the suspect, 34-year-old Kevin Salyers, before he could escape and held him until cops arrived, he said Tuesday in an interview with KDVR.

“It was something that happened so fast, I didn’t even think about it,” Aulner told the station. “I’m not a hero, I just did what you’re supposed to do.”

[Fox News]

A Wal-Mart shopper who became so angry about a crying child that he allegedly slapped the girl in the face is due in court Thursday morning, officials announced Wednesday.

A police report said the man, Roger Stephens, 61, of Stone Mountain, had warned the child’s mother, Sonya Mathews, that if she didn’t quiet down the child, he would do it for her.

According to the report, after the mother failed to quiet the girl, Stephens came up to them and slapped the child several times in the face.

The report then quotes Stephens as saying, “See, I told you I would shut her up.”

[via, thanks Carl for the tip!]

Sure, current iterations of crazy straws are significantly crazy. But I’d say that, much like anything else in life, adding penises to the equation makes it even craaaaaazier (that’s why the crazy bread at my pizza shop never really took off).

At least these kids are getting adequately trained for how we’re all going to have to make money in this recession. It’s much better than learning on the job. I once dated a girl who just banged mine against her forehead, clearly confused as to how this transaction works. All of that could have been avoided if we had penis crazy straws. Or if I stopped picking up chicks on short buses. Look, solutions are always much easier in hindsight.