An Australian stripper hired for a bachelor party has been found not guilty of rape by a court in Melbourne. Linda Maree Naggs who works under the name “Tiffany” came to the party came armed with a whip, vibrator and “strap-on penis shaped” sex toy.

The best man gave evidence at the trial of being pressured by his peers into sitting on the seat where Naggs performed her routine.

Ms Naggs, the second stripper of the evening, was charged with rape after a scene in which the best man got naked on all fours and she applied lube then moved the strap-on against his “bottom area”. Witnesses described how at one point the best man “sort of screamed” and winced.

During the trial, the alleged victim told the County Court he urged Ms Naggs not to put the sex toy into his anus and was shocked when she did.

“I was pretty upset at that stage,” he said.

“I could feel something was there.”

Never has forcible sodomy been so underplayed as in these two quotes.

What a terrible strip club though. Strip clubs suck for the most part because I’m not getting off and, if I am, I have to go backstage and pay way more money or get a new pair of pants. Plus weak mixed drinks. But then you throw in me getting raped and it’s just like, enough already. This is why I stopped going to family reunions, you know?

[via]

But why stop there? I’m a marketer at heart and would love for Deja Vu to use some of my catchy, but truthful slogans. Here’s a couple more I whipped up to adequately convey the strip club experience.

[original image via]

Don’t speak Chinese? Here’s the literal translation (via Reddit)

大波北姑: big breasted northern girl
青春陀地: youthful local (which suggests that this is hong kong, since 陀地 is cantonese slang for local)
白淨馬拉: fair-skinned malay
熱情寶妹: feisty filipina
狂野鬼妹: wild white girl (lit: raving wild evil-ghost little-sister).

Frankly, I feel like Feisty Filipina is undervalued. If I could buy futures stocks in festering professional whore vaginas, I’d definitely buy into that one. On the plus side, it’s nice to see that the Chinese really value our wild white girls. Raving Wild Evil-Ghost Little-Sister is a pretty elaborate way to describe a girl, especially when compared to “youthful local,” which is more of an accurate description for a fun park with slides and swingsets rather than it is a cumdumpster. I guess I just want my vagina sales to have a bit more pizazz, you know?

[this flickr found it]

She makes it look so effortless. Like all you need to do to be able to do athletic whorishness like this is strap on a lower back tattoo, tighten up the area around your crotch to get an effective camel toe, and BAM…pole dancing excellence. But it’s a lot more work than that, girls. You also need to have to be willing to make the little sacrifices. Like being willing to give handjobs to big tippers. Or understanding that you need to tell people you’re a “dancer” or you “work in marketing” instead of your actual chosen possession. And you also need to prepare for the awkwardness of your parents asking how work’s going on Thanksgiving and not wanting to tell them about how Jimmy the club regular stuck his pinky in your ass while he slipped you a single the other night.

Other than that, it’s as easy as it looks.

Almost 70 Scores top strippers want their bosses to hand over the 10 cents they skimmed from every dollar slipped into their G-strings.

Following a hearing Monday in Manhattan Federal Court, lawyer Justin Swartz said dozens of former Scores employees – most of them dancers – have joined a class-action suit former Scores bartender Siri Diaz filed in October 2007.

The women accuse Scores of a “greedy money grab” engineered through the use of “Diamond Dollars,” play money customers use to tip their favorite lap dancer.

The strippers say management skimmed 10% off their “Diamond Dollars” take. Swartz said the two sides are “discussing the possibility of a settlement.”

There’s so many shocking pieces in this story. Scummy strip club owners? Women who show their labia for money (I know, they don’t do that in NYC, but come on, the idea of showing your labia for money is much funnier than just breasts) somehow wanting even more money? I’m taken aback by all of the unconventional ideas in this story.

It’s not in my nature to go against the rights of our brave nude Americans and their rights to earn the money they’re due for doing such brave things as: Showing their breasts to strangers, pretending to be interested in those strangers, wearing clear high heels, dancing to Motley Crue, giving handjobs to unattractive traveling salesmen for slightly more money, calculus, shooting ping pong balls out of their vaginas, and much much more. We must support their naked bodies unwaveringly, ideally by propping up said bodies against our erect penises for which we wear sweatpants in order to maximize the amount of contact they give us during their lap dances. Yessir, being a stripper is a glamorous life indeed.

[source]

According to the Dennis Hof, owner of the whorehouse subsidizing the mission, the Bunny Ranch in Nevada, Dylan’s got a couple offers.

“We have offers from $1 million to $3.8 million, and we have started collecting deposits,” Dennis exclusively tells Scandalist. But the highest bidder won’t necessarily win Natalie’s heart, and virginity. As Natalie told Scandalist, she won’t do the deed with just anyone, but hopes to find someone who “seems intelligent.” Although her personal top pick, Barack Obama, has not placed a bid, Natalie has some excellent potential first-time partners.

Dennis said, “There are a few people she likes. She has been e-mailing and talking on the phone with several men. She wants to be comfortable.” With the possible $3.8 million Natalie could receive, surely she will be more than comfortable.

Well, it’s great to see that the vagina futures market has rallied along with the rest of the stock market, but that’s just silly. To think that some girl who’s willing to allow some random, probable mess of a man would forego an extra $2.8 million just because one guy “felt more right” is kind of absurd. You know what’d feel right? Taking a dip in a pool full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. I mean, theoretically. It’d probably be kind of painful. In fact, I don’t know how a fairly small duck was able to swim through piles of solid gold. Seems like you’d hurt yourself more often than not. Those ducks have some life.

Aside: In terms of future forecasting, I expect the price for her second time having sex to decline about, oh, 3800%. It’s not really a renewable resource. That’s why you have to have multiple daughters to sell on the black market. It’s science.

[Even more photos here]

When inmate Caressa Brunelle came before a judge Wednesday to be released, Brunelle reminded the judge she was owed a pizza.

So, Hamilton County Municipal Court Judge Nadine Allen sent someone to pick up a $5 personal pizza at the Downtown Donato’s and let Brunelle eat it in court.

The pizza was Brunelle’s reward for telling Allen who her pimp was, information Allen used to have the alleged pimp – Jason Lee – arrested.

“I felt that a pizza for a pimp was a good (trade),” the judge said Thursday.

“She was all ecstatic and she said, ‘Oh yeah, you owe me a pizza,’ ” Allen said.

Allen was pleased to pay up.

“I wish other prostitutes would come forward and reveal their pimps. Pizza is cheaper than what we pay for undercover (investigations). Of course, you understand I’m being facetious,” the judge said.

The f? A $5 personal pizza? This dick couldn’t even spring for a full pie for this poor cum dumpster who lost the main man in her life? And isn’t this illegal somehow? He totally bribed her to get her to give up info. That seems kind of messed up, even if the stakes are low and the pimp is a scumbag. On the other hand, pizza is pretty delicious. I had a lot of it last night. AND I didn’t have to sell out the guy who made me suck dicks for money. Point Chris!

Cartwheels are always fun. Cheerleaders do them, you look up their skirt, everyone laughs and hides their slight erection. But it’s kind of perturbing to see a chick do them over and over spliced with photos of her cleavage. Perturbingly arousing, but perturbing nonetheless.

Men like women to fit into gender roles. So it’s probably not a huge shocker that you can find an impossibly proportioned girl in her underwear cooking on YouTube. If only she were sewing and popping out a baby (without that “ew” swelling in her stomach), we’d really be onto something.

YouTube is a dark, strange place dear readers. A strange place where girls with nice bodies will do anything for your attention. After the jump…whore does laundry in a short slinky dress, German slut unicycles for a crowd, ho eats sausage at a restaurant, and a skank with big boobs buys groceries in a tank-top. Oh Internet…you so classy!

Fun fact: This is how I do my laundry. Only nude. Chris: 1, Laundry slut: 0, Snuggles: 3.

How do you forget years of goose-stepping and Jew-burning? By having a girl in a billowy dress ride around on a unicycle for your affection. I can’t say I disapprove.

Sausage is a delicious breakfast treat. So of course you can find an attractive blond deep-throating one.

This one is probably my favorite, yet it kind of makes me angry for a couple reasons. First, it’s easily the most absurd of them all…you don’t need to have a hot chick with big boobs talk about buying groceries while wearing a tight tank-top if you’re a serious “expert” video provider. And second, it’s not embeddable. What are we, communists? Still, link is pretty great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGFs1sC-j7c

My personal favorite because this girl is attractive, sluttily dressed, and desperate for attention. All are qualities I look for in a woman. They say you look for a woman like your mother.

This one thinks it’s classy because it’s from “Diet.com” so it has to have the vagina talk. Whatever, skip to 51 seconds in.

This is the one that got all the hype last week. I’d put good money on the girl being an utter disaster with a cooch that smells like an Xbox 360 joystick and a bag of Cheetos, but eh, who am I to judge?

This chick may be having a seizure, I’m not sure. But she’s got a fat ass. She might be a mom though, the more I look at it. Whatever, like that’s stopped me before.

Pro Tip: If you look like a bassethound, hide the face.

This isn’t Wii Fit but, whatever…jailbait!

Ideally, you should have some athletic coordination. Lest you look like a functional retard emulating a washing machine.

For the Paula Poundstone in you.

Gov. Eliot Spitzer has informed his most senior administration officials that he had been involved in a prostitution ring, an administration official said this morning.

Mr. Spitzer, who was huddled with his top aides early this afternoon, had hours earlier abruptly canceled his scheduled public events for the day. He is set to make an announcement about 2:15 this afternoon at his Manhattan office.

Mr. Spitzer, a first-term Democrat who pledged to bring ethics reform and end the often seamy ways of Albany, is married with three children.

Just last week, federal prosecutors arrested four people in connection with an expensive prostitution operation. Administration officials would not say that this was the ring with which the governor had become involved.

Haha in that photo above, Spitzer couldn’t POSSIBLY look any more like a man who enjoys the company of a good prostitute. There might even be a tranny hooker underneath the desk servicing him. Great podium usage, if that’s the case.

I really think this is the kind of story that speaks for itself, so I will take this opportunity to point out that Eliot Spitzer is a proud alumnus of my high school! And his kids are going there now! So this is really great for our alumni community! Though I’m assuming he probably wasn’t buying whores at our high school. But man, if he was, I really missed out! All I got was a hefty tuition bill and an occasional pointy-nosed Jewish BJ. Sigh.