Going shopping with the girlfriend is probably my third favorite activity, just behind hara-kiri and group dinners. I love spending an entire afternoon walking around holding bags and being completely irrelevant. Our relationship truly thrives when any negative comment is taken as a personal slight, and any positive reinforcement ]]>

Going shopping with the girlfriend is probably my third favorite activity, just behind hara-kiri and group dinners. I love spending an entire afternoon walking around holding bags and being completely irrelevant. Our relationship truly thrives when any negative comment is taken as a personal slight, and any positive reinforcement is attributed to a lack of caring. I’m aware that nothing I say has any bearing on her purchases, but it’s important that I come along because there is no other way in which I can prove my love.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but there is no better way to convey just how excited guys get when it’s time to play tag-along-boyfriend for the day. I understand that I am a ridiculously strong man, far more capable of holding bags than she is, but there is no reason for me to be on a shopping trip with my girlfriend. Women’s worst kept secret is that they dress to impress other women, not men. So why must we constantly be questioned about the color, cut, and overall look of an outfit, especially when we typically have no clue what we’re talking about? They ask us if we think things look cute, but it doesn’t matter what the response is because we aren’t their target audience. Sure if you say it’s hideous it may dissuade her, but short of that she likely tuned you out immediately after asking the question.

Our lack of influence isn’t huge issue though. We’ve been able to accept that our opinion carries very little weight with women since the age we learned that just saying please doesn’t mean you get what you want. The biggest problem with couples’ consumerism is that the whole thing is a trap. No, I’m not just talking about the “does this make me look fat” question, which I’m convinced no woman actually asks. Without the smooth talking skills of Neal Caffrey, there’s almost no way out of a shopping trip without her being mad at you. If you say too many things look good, she will attribute that to you just not caring. You are obviously an inattentive and terrible boyfriend who can’t do what she wants for once in your life. If you say too many things look bad, you must just be in a rotten mood and hate spending time with her.

Depending on what she’s shopping for, there are a few ways to increase your chances of survival. The above statement that women don’t value our opinion is even more appropriate when it comes to footwear, and with good reason. The only thing we typically notice about a woman’s shoes is whether or not it has a heel. Long legs equal long leers. Yes, we may notice for a second whether it’s leopard, strappy, or diamond encrusted, but that lasts all of 2.2 seconds. We are perfectly qualified to determine whether or not a dress looks great on a woman, but we are completely clueless as to if those sling backs look cute. Unless you’re Rex Ryan, your brain isn’t wired to care. Almost all shoe stores have a chair in the corner; go sit in time out. Your girlfriend will appreciate you not rushing her, and most women move through the store pretty quickly anyway. If she starts trying things on, wait until at least the third or fourth pair to go up and offer your unsolicited opinion. If you get involved after the first you are stuck, and you can’t fake interest for more than a pair or two. It will inevitably end with, “fine, let’s just go.”

Unlike shoes, shopping for clothes is a more delicate beast. If you go sit in the corner, you can count on being there all day. Women have the psychotic need to pull out every single article of clothing in store and look at it, as if the visible part on the rack is trying to deceive her. Putting in a few hours shopping with the lady is one thing, but turning it into an all day affair is just a disaster waiting to happen. When it comes to clothes, you need to hover. Constantly follow one rack behind her. This is crucial for two reasons. One – it will make her feel as though she needs to hurry up. You can reassure her that she can take all the time she needs, but the seed has been planted. Two – you are able take note of at least one thing she seems to really like and one thing that she seemed unsure about but grabbed anyways. When it comes time for her to try things on, you now have two things about which you can have a strong opinion, making it clear that you care. You think the one she loved looks great and she should definitely get it. The one she was unsure about looks good on her, but you don’t like the dress itself. A couple strong statements, even if they are really just her own thoughts recycled, are enough to convince her you don’t hate spending time shopping with her.

Sometimes we hit the jackpot and get to accompany her to Victoria’s Secret. It’s always awkward walking around that store because our natural reaction is to assume we’re making other women uncomfortable. Stick close to your girlfriend. It’s not to hurry or help, but rather to assure the other customers that you’re not a pervert (you’re just looking for a Turbo Man doll). When you’re asked what you like, don’t just point out the tiniest swatch of lace in the store. All you’ll get is an eye roll and a ruined opportunity. You want her to get there on her own. Take whatever piece you’ve been eye-banging, and just suggest the same color. Try to steer her in the right direction, and hope to get lucky. It’s a great situation either way, because there is very little downside to lingerie. The best part is, almost all stores will let you go into the fitting room with her. Just ask, and they will say yes. If you try to sneak in they will assume shenanigans are afoot. Now bask in the glory that is your nearly naked girlfriend. This isn’t time to lose focus though. Remember, under no circumstances should anything she tries on be called unflattering or boring. Tell her you are in heaven and to pick whatever she wants and you’ll buy it.

The concept of taking a boyfriend along on a shopping trip only makes sense in strange twisted female logic. They don’t want your opinion. They don’t want to feel they are being rushed. They just want to spend time with you and ensure that you are willing to sacrifice in order to do so. This is one of those times when you just need to suck it up and be a man. Carry her bags around like a good little helper monkey, tell her how beautiful she is, and pray to Christian Dior that it doesn’t take all day.

This video accomplishes two things in that it’s adorable and extremely poignant. Check out this little baby girl and the resemblance to the special lady in your life (hopefully it’s not a physical resemblance).

If only she had emasculated her father or nagged him about taking out the trash ]]>

This video accomplishes two things in that it’s adorable and extremely poignant. Check out this little baby girl and the resemblance to the special lady in your life (hopefully it’s not a physical resemblance).

If only she had emasculated her father or nagged him about taking out the trash or feigned a headache, then we could have pretty much proven that every female tendency is provided by nature instead of nurture.

I really hope that I don’t have a little girl when I finally have a child that I’m willing to publicly acknowledge. Not that there’s anything wrong with little girls, but they grow up so fast these days. I don’t think it’s far-fetched that within the next 10 years, seven year-olds will frequently be giving handjobs. But what’s the point of jerking off a seven year-old boy? Trust me, there isn’t much of one. Um, or so I heard. Yes. Heard.

It’s easy to look at a newspaper and go, “Oh how silly people are.” So I will do just that.

The same crap happened to me once for a guy in a wheelchair. I waited extra long to help him out by holding the door open ]]>

It’s easy to look at a newspaper and go, “Oh how silly people are.” So I will do just that.

The same crap happened to me once for a guy in a wheelchair. I waited extra long to help him out by holding the door open so he drive through and he yelled at me. ME, the kindest soul you’ve ever known! He said, “I could have held it myself you know.” Ever since then, I’ve just assumed every person in a wheelchair was a cyborg and thrown them in a vat of lava like the end of Terminator 2. Why risk it, you know?

[i don't remember where i saw this]

From some Reebok event last night…

This is quite an event. Three incredibly hot girls for every type of man. Katrina Bowden for the general hot blond lover, Michelle Trachtenberg for the guys who like their girls a little cuter as well as the nerds who ]]>

From some Reebok event last night…

This is quite an event. Three incredibly hot girls for every type of man. Katrina Bowden for the general hot blond lover, Michelle Trachtenberg for the guys who like their girls a little cuter as well as the nerds who jerk off to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Taylor Momsen for the pedobear in all of us. And what’s the great unifier here? Shoes! Which is crazy because who knew that you could get women together over shoes? I mean yeah, women all love shoes and whatever, but I didn’t think I could just put a shoe under a cardboard box being supported by a stick and use it as some sort of rudimentary vagina trap. I mean if that’s all it takes, it’s worth a shot. Ether-soaked rags can be so messy.

Reminder: Taylor Momsen is 15. So clearly I would just trap her and talk to her about the dangers of gingivitis.

I don’t know what America’s turning into these days. Check out the story of Kymberly Clem, a college student forced out of a Richmond mall for wearing a dress that was “too short”. Sorry for the crappy image but it’s hard to find anything better.

I don’t know what America’s turning into these days. Check out the story of Kymberly Clem, a college student forced out of a Richmond mall for wearing a dress that was “too short”. Sorry for the crappy image but it’s hard to find anything better.

A Kentucky college student has hired a lawyer after she was escorted out of a mall by security on Sunday because her dress was deemed too short, MyFOXBoston reports.

Kymberly Clem, a 20-year-old student at Eastern Kentucky University, wore the dress Sunday after purchasing it from the mall in Richmond the previous day, the Richmond Register reported Tuesday. After just a few minutes inside of the mall, a security guard approached her and expressed concerns over the length of the garment.

According to MyFOXBoston, the guard informed her that several female patrons had complained that she was disrupting their shopping experience because their husbands were “checking her out.”

“He made me turn all the way around while he stared me up and down,” she told the Register “The only thing he said was that other people didn’t like the way I looked, so he wanted me to leave.”

Clem’s sister Kendra told the Register that while the dress was short, it was not exposing any of her “private body parts.”

Granted I’m a big proponent of women’s rights and that makes me more inclined to take the side of the nubile college student over the angry henpecking women who complained about her dress because their husbands can’t stand looking at their butterball bodies any more and because every woman over 45 who isn’t at least a .6 on the MILFmometer should probably be shot and killed or taken to an internment camp, but this is just ridiculous. As is the fact that a grown woman used the phrase “private body parts”. We need to encourage our young women, not tear them down. They’re already getting all uppity with their rights to vote and whatever, let’s not give them reason to start wearing more clothes too. Otherwise we’re just going to be a less fun (read: no public stonings) version of the Middle East.

Because I like smart girls, check out this clip of the intelligent and beautiful Kymberly (when you have two Ys in your first name, you’re guaranteed to churn out pure genius) talking about the situation.

Whenever I go into a sex shop, I can’t help but think, “Gosh, I wish my kids were here.” Well, I’m in luck.

In the p.c. enclave of hipster Brooklyn, N.Y., residents are hardly batting an eye over the opening of a new ]]>

Whenever I go into a sex shop, I can’t help but think, “Gosh, I wish my kids were here.” Well, I’m in luck.

In the p.c. enclave of hipster Brooklyn, N.Y., residents are hardly batting an eye over the opening of a new kind of sex shop.

The high-design Babeland shop, which sells itself as being “kid-friendly,” doesn’t exactly scream sex though.

Unlike the older sex shops, which are dark and dingy, the Babeland store has upbeat music, well-dressed saleswomen and infant changing tables — marketing itself as a fun place for couples to shop. It’s part of a growing trend that has been spreading from Louisville to Los Angeles in an attempt to take the sleaze out of this part of the sex industry.

“If you walk into a mainstream sex store, you’ll probably be greeted with explicit imagery and a sort of artificial sexuality, like a woman with blonde hair with her head thrown back, something that’s meant to titillate in the moment,” said Babelands’s owner Claire Cavanah.

Cavanah and staff aim to make women feel empowered, not embarrassed, they say. A sign in the front of the store implores customers to “relax, take a look around, and enjoy,” and the employees “try to have a sense of humor and be intelligent and warm,” said Cavanah.

“Here we’re really trying to sort of greet everyone where they are sexually.” This means everything from a “Sexy Moms Series” for mothers looking to spice up their sex lives to plenty of products for those looking to experience some bonding — or bondage.

Hopefully there’s some way to incorporate the parent/child bonding in the sex shop as well. Kids are being total f’ing whores younger and younger these days. My First Autoerotic Asphyxiation comes to mind. I had to use a jump rope, a basketball hoop, and a sense of public degradation for mine. So, needless to say, I think improvements can be made.

Plus, babies dressed in silly costumes are SO adorable! Now imagine one with a gimp mask and a baby-proportioned big black strap-on! Soooooo se…cute. Cute.

Some trashy poor women fought because one was vacuuming while the other slept. Exciting.

Two Lincoln women got into a fight over vacuuming, and now one is in jail.

Police said Nicole Carper, 28, is charged with strangulation, domestic assault and child neglect.