Basically, someone with lots of time and editing skills at their disposal decided to insert a male stripper, or so the theory goes, into the pro-wrestling interview mini-game. Relax, there’s no nudity involved, and let’s be honest, both the world of strippin’ and wrasslin’ shares much with each other (as fans of the latter likes to conveniently forget)…

Gotta love the look of the girl’s expression; she’s clearly in love. Anyhow, to see what the scene originally game looks like, Destructoid has a side-by-side comparison…

Damn if that’s not entertaining. They’re really pushing the envelope and trying to blur the lines of reality with these last few weeks of storylines involving CM Punk and, on last week’s episode of RAW with Vince McMahon getting unceremoniously dumped as chairman of the company. All that’s left is a very special episode where one of the Divas has to get an abortion or wrestling midget leprechaun Hornswoggle finds himself being inappropriately touched by Mark Henry. One can dream.

The clip also included an irate announcer who declared the move “the most illegal thing in the history of wrestling”. I’d argue that the Ultimate Warrior’s repeated shaking of the ropes to beat Hulk Hogan in Wrestlemania VII is #1 on the list, but I can understand where the announcer is coming from. Hypnosis is just one of those things that should never find its way into the squared circle. Otherwise, things could real ugly.

Speaking of which, here is another one of the Osirian Portal’s matches with the exact same announcer dropping some insane one-liners.

“I hate this, this is illegal”
“These fans are ready to riot at this miscarriage of justice”

Awesome doesn’t even begin to describe this.

Some may have said, “Bill, that seems like an awfully odd way to spend your Sunday.” But Bill couldn’t have disagreed more. From then on, the day he refereed the 8-year-olds’ wrestling tournament would forever be known as The Best Valentine’s Day Ever.

*sigh* He’s sooooo dreamy…. [Reddit]

Not exactly sure who ‘Sexy Star’ is or what Dos de Tres magazine is, but to the best of my translating skills after perusing their November issue and looking around the ole Web I think she is a wrestler for the Lucha libre AAA organization in Mexico. I also believe that her real name is Dulce Maria Garcia Rivas. And she has also apparently held the FILL Women’s Wrestling Championship and the FILL Mixed Wrestling Tag Team Championship, whatever those are. Yeah, I am practically bilingual.

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“Here’s the wheel, Wilma. Now let’s discuss how you might give me a blumpkin without the bathroom sink dinosaur noticing.”

Man invented the wheel, so that he could later invent the Ferrari, then the string to place gently on guitars, and right now somewhere in the world there is a guy in a Ferrari listening to the Dave Matthews band in his new car because this is his hot blonde model girlfriend’s favorite song; and like Hannibal from the A-Team, that man is basking in the glory of a plan coming together.

It’s no accident that men do stupid things for women. I’ve been on my share of boring museum tours, an art gallery opening that looked more like a murder scene, weddings for people I don’t know, spent a hellacious afternoon in a Bed Bath and Beyond (charges were later dropped) and yes, I’ve been “paint shopping” before. That’s right, I spent a day looking at those little paint cards at Lowe’s and ended the trip by screaming “There are only two shades of white! There’s “white” and there’s “NOT FING WHITE!” “Pick a Goddamn shade or so help me I’ll take this nail gun and mow EVERYONE in this place down!!!”

Oh yeah, I’ve also been to over three dozen flower shops in probably a dozen or so states. Nothing says “I’m sorry for screaming about voluntary manslaughter in public again,” better than a dozen red roses and a well thought out card.

These pictures show the lengths that men will go to in order to gain their affections. Some are dumb and some are down right idiotic, but the one thing that all males have in common is the shame that goes with doing stupid things for the women we love/want to love/want to have sex with.

Learn to play guitar

So you wanna be a rock and roll star?
Well listen now to what I say
Just get an electric guitar
And take some time
And learn how to play

As I was saying earlier, men don’t learn to play instruments to get record contracts, men learn to play instruments to get laid. I knew a guy in college and I’m pretty sure he could only play two things: Air Supply and Dave Matthews. How you run the musical gamut and fall face first into those two bands, I still have no idea, but it’s what he knew and it’s all he cared to learn and by God it worked on the ladies.

Now, I’m not going to tell you how many times in a day one has to hear “Crash Into Me,” in a single sitting before they get the urge to kill (1 ½), but I’ll tell you this–no man learns to play Air Supply unless he’s trying to impress a woman. Hell, Air Supply doesn’t listen to Air Supply records without a woman in the room. And you’ll never hear a grown man playing Dave Matthews in a crowd with no woman present unless he wants an epic Full Metal Jacket soap-in-a-pillowcase-style beating.

Yet, everyday young boys pick up guitars and dream of being big rock singers. Actually, they see some hot girl they want to impress—then they decide it’s time to grab and axe and learn to make them swoon. And can you blame them? It’s the only profession that women will throw their panties at you while you work. They certainly don’t do that down at the H&R Block.

Dressing like a total moron

Yeah, so I figured I’d just wake-up this morning, throw on some tighty whiteys, not put on my pants, (screw’em there’s no law against not wearing pants in public), I’d pick out my goofiest red scarf, get my best set of bull horns (the ones I bought at an Indian Casino that my Mom said I would never wear) and head out into the general public, where people are free to point and laugh and possibly arrest me for indecent exposure. A group of Rodeo Clowns called and they want to know what it’s like to wear such a ridiculous outfit. If this blonde is not in this picture, this guy is down at the zoo in his Zorro outfit, brandishing a sword and stabbing everything in sight.

Now if one of my buddies were to come into my apartment looking like this we would get the video camera and shame him until he jumped off a bridge, which leads us to…

Jumping off of really high crap

Gravity has mocked man since the beginning of history. What goes up, must come down. And what goes up even further, comes down all that much harder. Think about how many times that you’ve seen a male jump off of something that you knew was high enough to get him injured. Could you talk sense into him? Maybe. Throw in a girl (or group) and a camcorder and all the sudden the Rock Quarry has so many men falling from the sky that it looks like D-Day. That’s where they get the term, “It’s Raining Men.” True Story.

I don’t know what it is in the male mind that makes us think that women will be impressed by succumbing to gravity from great heights, but we continue to do so and will not stop fighting gravity till we have impressed each and every woman on the planet. But, us really smart guys know that you don’t need to jump off things to impress a woman. That’s what motorcycle wheelies are for. Which leads us to…

Performing in Public

Hmmm, how do I turn my gift of sword swallowing into a way to pick up chicks? Walk to the nearest corner in Santa Monica and you’ll find out. Guys with guitars, guys with monkeys, mimes, sword swallowers, hell, I was in the car one day and saw a guy in Hollywood dressed as Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Not only was he dressed like a moron, he was on stilts and juggled. A true Renaissance man of doing dumb things to impress women. When I saw him, he was on his break smoking a cigarette and get this, he was talking to a girl. I then did what anyone would do, I yelled “Juggle bitch!”

And sure enough he dropped his cigarette and started doing his juggling spiel. Now some of you might think he did that for me, but I knew he was just showing off for the young lady he was with. It’s like Napoleon Dynamite said, “Girls like guys with skills.” And when we hone those skills to a certain point, it’s time to show the lady folk. That didn’t stop me from throwing nickels at tall Jack Sparrow and yelling “Dance Monkey, Dance!”

At some point you have to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that maybe your skill set is not something that is going to help you with the ladies. Like, let’s say this guy…

Lying

Did you know my buddy was an ex-fighter pilot who once on a Christmas Eve saved 11 orphans from the “Great St. John’s Orphanage School Bus Fire of 01″? It flipped six times and was submerged at the bottom of a lake, as he dove in and dragged the children to the safety of the shore, which happened to be on a Golden Retriever farm, where he bought each of those kids a puppy and essentially saved both the children’s lives and their faith in humanity in one grand heroic gesture. That day he patched the damaged souls of children who felt they had nothing more in this world to believe in. He was even on the Today Show on it and all on the day before he went on a space mission to help repair the Hubble Telescope. Did you know that?

Either did we until last night at the bar. It’s amazing what you learn about other people once they’ve had a few drinks. We didn’t even know he knew how to swim! But we now know that putting the words “Golden Retriever” and “fighter pilot” in a sentence that ends with “another round of Jose Cuervo shots,” is now a no-brainer when talking to the opposite sex. Right Maverick?

Wrestling/Boxing

Now I understand that there are probably people out there that actually like getting hit in the face. One day you’re sitting in your boring office, the next day you’re starting a Fight Club and the next thing you know you’re blowing up the Citibank Offices. I’ve seen it happen a thousand times.

For the rest of us, we usually shy away from physical altercations. However, if you get several men in the company of women and somebody decides to start wrestling, all hell usually breaks loose. I’ve seen minor wrestling matches between two buddies trying to impress the same girl that went from a few playful armbars and escalated into WrestleMania 12. It starts with someone pushing someone, then it’s a sleeper hold, then somebody ends up pinning someone to the ground and won’t let them up until they emasculate themselves by saying something like “Josh is the Ultimate Warrior and I’m just a little bitch,” and then when Josh finally lets them up, it switches from WrestleMania and morphs into a Tyson/Holyfield fight. By the end of it all, somebody is bleeding, multiple people are screaming in tongues and usually the girl in question is super pissed off and ends up walking home.

Moral of the story: Women always say they want a man that can protect them, but if that were true, the hottest women would be married to the best lawyers. So unless you’re Anderson Silva and especially if you’re out in public, instead of fighting why not just relax, take a deep breath and slash a guy’s tires. It hurts a hell of a lot less than having your mouth wired shut…what am I saying, you’re gonna fight, so you better fight dirty, win, and get the girl, or you’re just going to end up looking like a douchebag…

Popping a collar and acting like a complete douchebag

But for some reason unbeknownst to us; ladies do enjoy the company of guys who are douchebags…

Written by BOH contributor Shawn. If you’re an attractive woman, or an unattractive man, follow him on Twitter. Please. He feels neglected.

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Let’s face it, folks… inside the heart of every sports blogger of a certain age is the desire to write wrestling storylines. Or, at least, in this one. Why settle for getting the hatred and scorn of just the online mouth-breathers, when there are so many more people to annoy and inflame? And so, without further ado (and my apologies if some of these have already been tried)…

10) Dr. Poke. An evil proctologist (is there any other kind, really?) who wears scrubs and rubber gloves, makes his opponent smell his fingers, and might have the most debilitating finishing move ever. He also earns extra heel points for constantly insisting that it’s pronounced “Poe-Kay”, and for all kinds of groaning HMO puns.

I’m seeing a solid 2-month run terrorizing undercard talent, until he meets his match against a guy who simply lubes up before the match. Hoist on his own petard. It’s Shakespearian. And only slightly more Alternative Lifestyle than a solid 30% of the current lineup…

9) WoW Woman. An overweight diva who routinely loses matches due to her preoccupation with her online avatar. Finishing moves include bashing cans of diet soda over her opponent’s head, and bad Cheeto breath. A natural tie-in for co-promotional marketing opportunities, along with, perhaps, the WWE’s first match that’s just between avatars.

8) Apoca Lester. Buzzcut southern white heel who only feuds with black faces while railing against Socialism and The Nanny State. Finishing moves include assaults with AM radios and the highly dreaded “Teabagging” move. Big crossover potential as a face if the political winds change; if and when that happens, we give him a Jack Bauer-esque arc and have him start waterboarding anti-Americans, or just brown people in general. Lots of potential here.

7) Tech Support. Ineffectual manager/lackey, possibly to #9, who wears nerd glasses, a pocket protector and a Blackberry. His weak in-ring attacks include stabbing motions with the smart phone, blowing compressed air into an opponent’s eyes, and clipboard shots.

6) The Texter. Delivers all smack talk in 140 characters or less for Twitter usage, and frequently lets down her tag-team partner due to being distracted with text messaging. Especially hated by older wrestlers, who can never get her attention in mid-rant. Finishing moves are mostly theoretical, but her prowess in thumb wrestling is a source of much boasting, and possible double-entendres with male wrestlers.

5) Hybrid Force. Co-ed Euro wrestler team (French?) who lecture their opponents for their wasteful carbon footprint and the crowd for their diet and transportation choices. Eventually, the cutest girl in the team will turn face after eating a cheeseburger. Finishing moves are elaborately choreographed set pieces of teamwork that are, of course, deficient in power.

4) Marshall Wigger. Painful white rapper wannabe with lame rhymes, a perpetual hoodie, and consistent whining about how hard his childhood was, and how no one understands his pain. Marshall’s attacks are mostly with a microphone and/or stand, along with a spastic dancing finishing move that’s mostly for comedy.

Ideally, the character would manage to get the real Eminem to show up and do a feud, with the real Em winning by being more hardcore with serial killer overtones. Eventually, both opponents are laid out by a run-in from the Insane Clown Posse, who have (a) old beef with Em, and (b) remarkable availability, in that I’m pretty sure no one has said their names in public this decade. It’s Detroit-riffic!

3) Eve O’Loution. Since the idea that humans are evolved from apes has never really caught on with the core constituency of the WWE, despite ample evidence to the contrary, let’s tap into that. I’m seeing a stuck-up blonde chick in a lab coat and glasses, lecturing the crowd and opponents with calm, even-handed analysis. That is, before taking the chair shot, and having bananas shoved in her mouth. We’ll show her evolution!

2) Ace Suckout. Is there anyone that a crowd wants to see get beaten down more than an egocentric poker player? Let’s find out. Any number of suit-related puns and attacks come into play here, with a finishing move that resembles a card slapdown and pulling in chips. The post-match rants about how lucky an opponent was, or how much the referee robbed him… well, they practically write themselves, don’t they?

1) Amnesio. Tragic face/heel switch male who has to wrestle with protective headgear due to a pre-existing medical condition. In moments of stress or cranial injury, his worldview changes with massive unpredictability. Finally, a way to resurrect some of that George The Animal Steele fun!

H/T: F-Listed

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Continuing the weirdness that is the relationship between Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan, and Hulk’s girlfriend/daughter doppleganger, Jennifer McDaniel, the three of them recently spent Brooke’s 41st 21st birthday at the Caesars Palace Resort Casino and allowed the paparazzi to take more pictures that have me wondering just what is going on in the ole Hulkster’s little ‘riod-addled brain… I don’t think you could pay me enough money to date Brooke Hogan.

More Brooke Hogan stuff here and here.

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