Somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and WorldStarHipHop is this video in which a couple of little girls have a fight at a dance recital. It’s adorable and terrible!

I’m happy for the little girl that she didn’t back down in spite of a big size differential but, ]]>

Somewhere between Toddlers and Tiaras and WorldStarHipHop is this video in which a couple of little girls have a fight at a dance recital. It’s adorable and terrible!

I’m happy for the little girl that she didn’t back down in spite of a big size differential but, man, she’s already shaping up to be a problem. Is it possible for someone to be a prodigy at a career in reality TV? If so, I’m putting all my money on Petulant Little Girl stock futures.

Don’t know David Clowney? He’s a marginally used wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, formerly of the Jets. And he’s completely lacking in HIV cells in his body! Yayyyyyy!

I was pretty panicked until I saw this tweet floating around. Much of my days are spent ]]>

Don’t know David Clowney? He’s a marginally used wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, formerly of the Jets. And he’s completely lacking in HIV cells in his body! Yayyyyyy!

I was pretty panicked until I saw this tweet floating around. Much of my days are spent questioning the status of sexually transmitted diseases in the bodies of hardly-used NFL players, worrying about how their zest for unprotected sex could affect their non-play on the field. Once I know Legedu Naanee is alright, I can rest easy tonight.

This is a Slinky on a treadmill set to epic/Inception-esque music. It’s about as compelling of a cinematic thrill ride as a Slinky video can be.

How stoked do you think the PR team for Slinky are seeing all these Google Alerts today? I bet they had ]]>

This is a Slinky on a treadmill set to epic/Inception-esque music. It’s about as compelling of a cinematic thrill ride as a Slinky video can be.

How stoked do you think the PR team for Slinky are seeing all these Google Alerts today? I bet they had to blow the dust off of an old 1980s Macintosh to read the emails in the first place like they were uncovering some ancient scrolls. This video is their apex.

Sarah Burge, known as a “Human Barbie,” previously made headlines for giving her seven-year-old daughter a coupon for future breast implants. Anderson Cooper had her on his show to discuss and, finally, had enough of her nonsense.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every ]]>

Sarah Burge, known as a “Human Barbie,” previously made headlines for giving her seven-year-old daughter a coupon for future breast implants. Anderson Cooper had her on his show to discuss and, finally, had enough of her nonsense.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every argument I’ve had that began discussing whether you can see Beyonce sweat on stage or not, I’d have at least $3,981,362 dollars.

That said, the effectiveness of his stand against Burge’s seemingly terrible parenting was highly limited by Anderson looking disgusted while walking away and muttering, “You actually do see Beyonce sweating on stage.” Not necessarily his most poignant moment.

Note: When threatening someone with your belt, you should probably make sure they won’t tire of your nonsense and beat your ass. This kid learned that lesson the hard way.

I feel bad for the belt in all of this. He was just doing his job, holding up some pants, ]]>

Note: When threatening someone with your belt, you should probably make sure they won’t tire of your nonsense and beat your ass. This kid learned that lesson the hard way.

I feel bad for the belt in all of this. He was just doing his job, holding up some pants, only to be used as a weapon and left discarded as soon as the heat was on. He’s like the guy taking a fall in a heist movie. Poor belt. Love ya, buddy.

Nick Offerman attended the Peabody Awards yesterday sporting a new look. That new look includes bleached blond hair, both on his head and his beard zone. Ron Swanson is dead. Long live Ron Swanson.

Photo Credit: Anders Krusberg/Peabody Awards

Who else does Nick Offerman now look ]]>

Nick Offerman attended the Peabody Awards yesterday sporting a new look. That new look includes bleached blond hair, both on his head and his beard zone. Ron Swanson is dead. Long live Ron Swanson.

Photo Credit: Anders Krusberg/Peabody Awards

Who else does Nick Offerman now look like other than Justified/Terriers bad guy Neal McDonough? Sound off below.

Here’s a woman who swears up and down that she doesn’t have anything against black people. Spoiler alert: If you have to go on a tirade about how you’re not racist, you’re probably a bit racist.

Well, I guess now we know who’ll be doing the voiceover ]]>

Here’s a woman who swears up and down that she doesn’t have anything against black people. Spoiler alert: If you have to go on a tirade about how you’re not racist, you’re probably a bit racist.

Well, I guess now we know who’ll be doing the voiceover on the next audiobook release of Roots. In other news, there has never been a situation in which a white Southerner in a rocking chair has said the word “black people” and had it end positively. I’d be willing to bet a whole lot on that.

Two parents were trying to punish their misbehaving child at a laundromat. Naturally, that led to them putting the kid in a washing machine. The video is a monument to stupidity.

The child sustained just minor injuries. He also wasn’t sufficiently cleaned. So I guess they just ]]>

Two parents were trying to punish their misbehaving child at a laundromat. Naturally, that led to them putting the kid in a washing machine. The video is a monument to stupidity.

The child sustained just minor injuries. He also wasn’t sufficiently cleaned. So I guess they just broke even here.

In this clip from ‘Today in Amarillo’ (which is surely a non-stop thrill ride of news), a video is shown of a Polish man “conducting an experiment” that had him covered with 30,000 bees. It’s quite a sight to bee-hold. *slaps knee

I’m glad the anchor gave that “Don’t try ]]>

In this clip from ‘Today in Amarillo’ (which is surely a non-stop thrill ride of news), a video is shown of a Polish man “conducting an experiment” that had him covered with 30,000 bees. It’s quite a sight to bee-hold. *slaps knee

I’m glad the anchor gave that “Don’t try this at home” warning. Because otherwise, I’d have absolutely gone to my ol’ “Myriad of Bees” box and dumped it over my head like a Gatorade bath at the Super Bowl.

Only two bee stings, though? There’s a Polish joke there I’ll leave you to concoct in your notepad.

Are you sick of hearing about Facebook today? Good news! I have more Facebook things for you! But this time, it’s a song dedicated to Facebook thanking the company for what it’s done. And the song is absolutely atrocious.

The amount of hate Facebook gets is kind of ridiculous given ]]>

Are you sick of hearing about Facebook today? Good news! I have more Facebook things for you! But this time, it’s a song dedicated to Facebook thanking the company for what it’s done. And the song is absolutely atrocious.

The amount of hate Facebook gets is kind of ridiculous given what an amazing company it is. But I’m pretty sure we don’t need a song thanking it either. If you’re not writing songs thanking your microwave or TV, you probably don’t need to thank the Web site that gave us Farmville.

That said, this video gave us this GIF. And for that I will be forever grateful

Irreverent condom company (because you definitely want a condom full of whimsy and wonder) Sir Richard has a new campaign asking women for rules on what they’ll never put in their vagina. It’s..uh..notable.

Did it have to be all people the women selected? Some other items immediately leap to ]]>

Irreverent condom company (because you definitely want a condom full of whimsy and wonder) Sir Richard has a new campaign asking women for rules on what they’ll never put in their vagina. It’s..uh..notable.

Did it have to be all people the women selected? Some other items immediately leap to mind for me:

-A slice of pizza
-Dull knives
-A rabid raccoon
-Stylish light fixtures
-Pokemon cards
-Worcestershire sauce
-Tapioca Pudding

I could go on. My point: This commercial is dumb and is probably setting back STD prevention decades. Secondary point: No one wants tapioca pudding in their orifices. Those two points.

Kate Upton taught us how to dougie. Even Nickelodeon character Doug taught us how to dougie. But can any of them top this bird?

Not gonna lie: Kind of ruined it for me to see the silhouette of the person dancing for the bird to mimic. ]]>

Kate Upton taught us how to dougie. Even Nickelodeon character Doug taught us how to dougie. But can any of them top this bird?

Not gonna lie: Kind of ruined it for me to see the silhouette of the person dancing for the bird to mimic. I mean, yeah, the bird doing it is still impressive. It’s just not as impressive than if he did it all on his own.

Yes I’m being hypercritical of a bird dancing to a two-year-old hip hop song. This is my life.

Meet Cassie. She’s just a girl doing a little performing art with torches. And she happened to have her crotch caught on fire in the process. Probably not intentionally.

It’s like my mother always said: “Keep vaginas away from open flames.” I, uh, I’m not sure why she said that. ]]>

Meet Cassie. She’s just a girl doing a little performing art with torches. And she happened to have her crotch caught on fire in the process. Probably not intentionally.

It’s like my mother always said: “Keep vaginas away from open flames.” I, uh, I’m not sure why she said that. I mean there’s really no other context in which that would make sense. Rarely do these two twains meet. Nonetheless, here’s hoping for a speedy recovery for Cassie’s crotch. You’re in our prayers, little guy, for all the wrong reasons.

First off: Looking up women’s skirts without their knowledge is creepy and should result in a rock thrown at your head. That said, this clip of a Bloomberg reporter caught offguard by her cameraman with her skirt is up is hilarious and bizarre.

I’m just glad she was able to ]]>

First off: Looking up women’s skirts without their knowledge is creepy and should result in a rock thrown at your head. That said, this clip of a Bloomberg reporter caught offguard by her cameraman with her skirt is up is hilarious and bizarre.

I’m just glad she was able to tuck what seems to be her enormous black penis away before the camera panned to her. That said, this is the face of a reporter about to commit a murder:

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and, if you’re like me, you spent negative three seconds of effort selecting a generic card for the special woman in your life. The mom in this picture is the perfect example of what half-assery like that can result in.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and, if you’re like me, you spent negative three seconds of effort selecting a generic card for the special woman in your life. The mom in this picture is the perfect example of what half-assery like that can result in.

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Clearly the dad who picked out this card doesn’t see color. Or the bottom halves of greeting cards. That’s what racial harmony is all about.

Hooters is offering moms 10 free wings this Sunday nationwide. For the possibly morbidly obese mom with no self-respect who has everything!

The DEpress release (get it? Because bringing your to Hooters for Mother’s Day is depressing? Eh? Eh?) says:

Hooters is honoring all moms ]]>

Hooters is offering moms 10 free wings this Sunday nationwide. For the possibly morbidly obese mom with no self-respect who has everything!

The DEpress release (get it? Because bringing your to Hooters for Mother’s Day is depressing? Eh? Eh?) says:

Hooters is honoring all moms this Mother’s Day with a free wing offer. All day on May 13th moms will receive 10 free boneless wings, tossed in their favorite wing sauce, when they dine in at Hooters this Sunday.

The Mother’s Day free wing offer is good for all ladies who dine in at participating Hooters restaurants. The offer is good on dine in orders only and there is a limit of one order for each mom.

This may sound crazy to you or me but it actually kind of makes sense. Because if you’re the type of guy who’d take your mom for free wings at Hooters on Mother’s Day, you probably have the type of mom who’d find this to be a totally normal and nice thing to do. Hooray for family!

…But not the humanoid robotic butt cheeks we deserved? Scientists are calling SHIRI “the world’s most accurate robotic butt cheeks.” And now you can witness them in motion. NSFW warning, I guess?

In short, these buttocks are so revolutionary because they’re one of the first humanoid robots that accurately reflect ]]>

…But not the humanoid robotic butt cheeks we deserved? Scientists are calling SHIRI “the world’s most accurate robotic butt cheeks.” And now you can witness them in motion. NSFW warning, I guess?

In short, these buttocks are so revolutionary because they’re one of the first humanoid robots that accurately reflect human physiological responses to stimuli.

Not sure if you caught the part that said “The user may feel SHIRI’s fear when they trigger HSIRI’s ‘Twitch’ upon first contact.” And it’s the first moment I’ve ever looked at the future and thought, “You know what? I’m good with how things are.” Though it would be hilarious if the world ended up exactly like Terminator only with the awesome cool robots replaced by giant vibrating asses.

Prepared to hear about someone being a comically horrible person? Meet the anonymous guy selling Trayvon Martin-styled shooting targets who says, “My main motivation was to make money off the controversy.”

Are you finding yourselves annoyed by the various people who’ve wormed their way into your Facebook without really being your friend? It might get worse: A new program being tested by the company would allow users to promote a status to all of their friends for just two dollars.

Are you finding yourselves annoyed by the various people who’ve wormed their way into your Facebook without really being your friend? It might get worse: A new program being tested by the company would allow users to promote a status to all of their friends for just two dollars.

As part of the ongoing process to improve revenues while the social media behemoth moves towards its IPO, the new service called “Highlight” would allow users to post a status to ensure all of their friends see it.

Typically, status updates rise to the top of your feed based on an algorithm based on recency of the update combined with data determining how important the user is to you on Facebook.

Previous research shows that only 12% of your friends see your average status update.

In an official statement, Facebook says, “We’re constantly testing new features across the site. This particular test is simply to gauge people’s interest in this method of sharing with their friends.”

The odds of this quickly degenerating into people paying the price of half a cup of coffee to post “LOL Tom has a tiny penis” have to be somewhere in the neighborhood of -1,273,645:1.

KTLA in Los Angeles is the best example of a local news station that really liberally stretches the definition of the word “news.” Exhibit A: Two segments in the same show about a Hooters Swimsuit Contest.

Even better than Edward R. Murrow rolling over in his grave, covering his erection, ]]>

KTLA in Los Angeles is the best example of a local news station that really liberally stretches the definition of the word “news.” Exhibit A: Two segments in the same show about a Hooters Swimsuit Contest.

Even better than Edward R. Murrow rolling over in his grave, covering his erection, then rolling over again is this GIF from anchor Chris Schauble when discussing the segments:

I feel so much better prepared for water cooler talk today! Thanks, KTLA!