Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying.”

9 WWF Thumb Wrestlers

What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:

At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.

8 Spider-Man Web Shooters

One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.

You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).

7 The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame

Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch The Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.

Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.

Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.

So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.

6 Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies

I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.

Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.

5 Hannah Montana Concert Candy

Sure, they’re delicious and not at all nutritious, but what immature tween with a hankering for sugar wouldn’t immediately start giggling when they see these? Then again, this was a pretty good compromise for Miley Cyrus. She’s probably not a huge fan of gummy treats but she certainly seems to have a hankering for boys and all their worldly goods, so for all we know, the phallic design may have been intentional.

4 Mario Bubble Bath

Granted, I’m not big on “bubble baths” or “personal hygiene” but this Mario bubble bath just seems like something I wouldn’t want. Mario could endorse a lot of products that I’d buy; Overalls, self-help books on how to overcome shortness, spring-loaded sneakers, even a grocer’s line of mushrooms…I’d line up for any of those. But when I picture a hairy Italian plumber having to run through a kingdom for days on end, eating all kinds of foreign foods and just working up a perpetual sweat, it’s not my first instinct to go, “Man, I’d love to smell like that fictional guy!”

Meanwhile, Bowser was powerful, daring, successful (he owned multiple castles, boats, AND flying ships) and probably smelled of the finest colognes and spices. I’m not saying Princess Peach should have picked him over Mario, but maybe she should have put a little more thought into it.

3 My Little Pony Ponyville Fancy Fashion Boutique

Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Apparently, the “everything nice” portion of things includes hay and horse crap because this little girl beauty kit with stuff like hair ties, shopping bags, hangers and other crap includes two perfume bottles. You can show me the prettiest pony in the world with the most lush mane and the most gorgeous physique and I can show 730 gangrenous bums who will still smell better than that pony. It’s basic Hobonomics.

2 Wonder Woman Lava Lamp

I’m doubting there are many kids who went after this one. Wonder Woman did some cool crap, sure, but I don’t think as a child anyone out there is trying to advertise their dedication to her craft.

But clearly someone out there has to have bought this. And to that person, I’m not going to say that there’s something wrong with Wonder Woman. I’m not even going to say that there’s something wrong with owning a lava lamp (it’s got lava, it supplies light, what more can you want). But when you think you need to get something to enrich your room’s ambiance and settle on a lava lamp adorned with Wonder Woman’s visage, you may need to reevaluate your priorities in life. Unless you’ve totally committed to the theme and also feature a bed made out of lassos and an invisible car that you ride to work every day. Though that may open you up to larger problems.

1 Hulk Hands

Hulk Hands could cure cancer and you’d imagine yourself looking like this guy above (assuming you’re equally as partial to tunics) and you’d probably think twice before wearing them around. On the plus side, they do awesome things like…make sounds when you hit them against things. So if you ever wanted to hear a silly growling smashing sound while hitting someone in the groin with padded hands, this might be the right purchase for you. Though I despise you for finding a way to take the humor and whimsy out of hitting someone in the groin.

—

Anything that you regrettably wasted your hard-earned kid money on? You know, the crispy dollar bills you got from that stranger in the van who called them “Keep A Secret” payments? Share them below! The suggestions, not your traumatic memories.

I got a certain degree of flack, on account of my 10 Video Games To Look Out For In 2012 rundown from last week. Basically, a few folks were upset with the lack of Mass Effect 3. What’s the deal? Simple: BioWare’s track record has kinda sucked as of late, to put it mildly.

The less said about Dragon Age 2 the better, and their Star Wars MMO has tons of people playing it, but it’s a Star Wars MMO, what do you expect? But is it any good? Word on the street is that it’s no better than World of Warcraft, which is a bummer to say the least.

But not long ago, the following trailer for the third Mass Effect showed up. Which I hadn’t actually examined closely up until now. And I must say, it’s quite impressive. Also, in features Freddie Prinze Jr…

My favorite part is the contrast between Prinze hamming it up/totally getting into the mind of his character, and how static/robotic his realized avatar is, like every single BioWare character (yet another reason why I’m not the biggest fan of their stuff; it’s slick looking, but ultimately cold).

Anyhow, reaction among fans has not been kind to say the least…

Well, here’s the thing: in the first clip, he actually seems genuinely into the role, and the manner in which he expounds upon its virtues seems completely legit and sincere, not PR team crafted drivel. Still, it definitely is out of left field, his involvement with the game. Perhaps it’s because he is indeed such a fan…

So here’s a fun fact, and the main reason why I find him so fascinating. And no, it’s not because I find him such a good actor or anything. Here’s a fun fact: he’s such a big fan of professional wrestling, of the WWE in particular, that he took a break from acting a few years back to become a full-time writer for them. No kidding. From like 2008-09.

Even though they didn’t make a big deal of a big-time, Hollywood actor being part of the creative team, they definitely wanted to tap into his showbiz acumen. Which didn’t quite work out; from what I understand, because he wasn’t completely committed to the job of writing professional wrestling 24/7, he was eventually fired.

But according to Wikipedia, he’s back at a producer and director? Well as occasional on-air personality, like in this clip. Which is so unfunny that I’m not even going to embed it (and I normally dig pro wrestling of all kinds, even the really cheesy crap).

But yeah, Mass Effect 3 comes out on March 6.

As you saw if you watched the piece all the way through, Hall entered rehab courtesy of WWE’s new policies regarding offering rehab to employees, regardless of their employment status (or lack thereof) with the company. But Hall has been in rehab ten times and, even though WWE has spent more on rehab for him than anyone else (according to WWE EVP Stephanie McMahon, well into the six figures), Hall continues to slide backwards.

Tough times for one of the more memorable performers in an industry full of colorful figures. Hall turned just 53 years old today.

Do Yourself a Favor and Watch the E:60 About Scott Hall [BroBible]

Okay, now... fight!!

They may not be the greatest wrestlers in the world, but the Bella twins, Brie and Nikki, aren’t WWE Divas for their skills in the ring (that can’t be the reason, right?). They’re WWE Divas because they look like this in bikinis. You don’t even have to be a wrestling fan to appreciate talent like this (though if you are, follow me on Twitter where I bemoan the state of wrestling pretty much every Monday night and during pay per views). Perhaps if more matches between the Bellas and their opponents took place with them wearing swimwear in the vicinity of water then perhaps I wouldn’t complain so much about how bad the “sport” has gotten. Just a thought, Vince. (Note: Not really Vince McMahon’s Twitter account. Just a much better version of him.)

Indiana State Fair to re-open Monday with memorial ceremony
“More than 40 people were hospitalized after the disaster, authorities said.”

Brooke Hogan on nude photo backlash: Stop picking on me!
“I’m SO sick of people saying me and my dad are in some perverted relationship.”

Mike Myers signs on for Austin Powers 4
“It’s unclear if director Jay Roach wil return for the fourth installment, or what the plot with revolve around.”

Jessica Alba gives birth to daughter Haven Garner
“She was born on Saturday, weighed 7 lbs and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy!”

Rights bought to Stephen King’s time travel novel about the JFK assassination. Wait, what?
“The tome, all 1000-pages of it, is set to hit stores in November and centers on an English teacher who goes through a time portal in an effort to stop the Kennedy assassination.”

Kristen Stewart is “gorgeous,” other Snow White director says
“For his Snow White, Tarsem cast … Lily Collins, looping her into a production that has already kicked off and which will hit theaters months ahead of Stewart’s in 2012.”

Emma Watson “perfect” for Beauty and the Beast
“Instead of a modernized take like this year’s ‘Beastly,’ consider del Toro’s movie to be a classic retelling of the tale as old as time.”

Rose McGowan raised by drag queens: “I’d be stoked to do a lesbian love scene”
“Homosexuality is comfortable for McGowan, who says she was raised by drag queens after she ran away from home at the age of 13.”

Brooke Burke and David Charvet wed
“After a five-year engagement, two kids together and a hot and steamy relationship, Brooke Burke and David Charvet have officially tied the knot.”

50 Cent and Goldie Hawn have a lunch date
“Lunch was especially sweet today cause I met 50 Cent. His smile lit up the room.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Kevin Nash returns to WWE at SummerSlam and attacks champion CM Punk, costing him the title.

The Dude’s house is for sale for $3 million
“This a perfect candidate for a residential subdivision.”

Amy Winehouse’s Back to Black album re-enters Billboard Top 10
“The 2006 album, which includes her smash-hit Rehab, had been purchased more in the past five days than in the past three years…”

Blake Fielder-Civil: I could have saved Amy
“[Blake] had planned to stage an intervention of sorts when he got out of jail…”

WWE Diva: I fear “crazy stalker” wants to kill me
“he has sent ‘numerous terrifying letters to my home and left more than 50 voicemails on my personal cell phone all of which are extremely disturbing and delusional.’”

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills new cast revealed
“…Brandi Glanville – whose ex-husband Eddie Cibrian just married LeAnn Rimes – and businesswoman Dana Wilkey, will be featured as friends…”

Kat Von D got tattoo of Jesse James’ face right before break up
“Kat says she was scared about Jesse’s reaction…”

Jesse James & Kat Von D: Fighting over another woman before split
“Kat kept throwing some woman’s name out and arguing about how she didn’t like him living so far away.”

Speaker of the house triggers Lindsay Lohan lawsuit
“Lindsay Lohan has been sued by a guy who sold her speakers and installed audio and video equipment in her Venice house…”

Hugh Hefner: Crystal Harris lied about our sex life
“I feel sorry for Crystal.”

Kelly Rowland releases new album, says no Destiny’s Child reunion planned
“Rowland says she’s heard the rumors of a reunion … but she won’t be getting back together with Beyonce and Michelle Williams anytime soon.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The just turned 18 Taylor Momsen reveals her secret talent and more in a new interview.

Damn if that’s not entertaining. They’re really pushing the envelope and trying to blur the lines of reality with these last few weeks of storylines involving CM Punk and, on last week’s episode of RAW with Vince McMahon getting unceremoniously dumped as chairman of the company. All that’s left is a very special episode where one of the Divas has to get an abortion or wrestling midget leprechaun Hornswoggle finds himself being inappropriately touched by Mark Henry. One can dream.

Ashton Kutcher slams Village Voice for alleged child prostitution ties
“How’s the lawsuit from the 15-year-old victim who alleges you helped enslave them going?”

Report: Linda Evangelista’s son fathered by Salma Hayek’s husband
“It looks like Salma Hayek’s husband has some explaining to do.”

Tobey Maguire files response to poker lawsuit
“In his response Maguire admits that he played in several games but denies they were ‘controlled’ or that they were illegal.”

Rob Schneider victim of fake death rumor, comic is alive & well
“Jeff Goldblum was the subject of a similar death-in-Australia rumor in 2008.”

Maria Shriver offered biggest book deal ever for tell-all book
“Maria Shriver could get more than $15 million…”

WWE star hurls homophobic slur at fan
“WWE bad guy CM Punk was caught on camera screaming ‘You homo!’ at a fan during a verbal altercation in Australia…”

Daniel Radcliffe reveals secret alcohol addiction
“Harry Potter’s 22-year-old star admits he became ‘so reliant’ on booze to fuel his days while filming the mega-smash film series in his teen years.”

Lady Gaga to guest-star as judge on So You Think You Can Dance
“Nigel Lythgoe, executive producer and longtime judge on the hit series, has confirmed that Gaga will drop by the set later this season…”

Brooke Mueller officially finishes rehab
“…watching episodes of The World According To Paris has had a serious impact on Brooke.”

DJ Pauly D slapped with $4 million lawsuit
“The DJ-turned-reality star is facing a copyright infringement lawsuit…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
A new alternate version of Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls)” music video (original version here).

On the March 14th episode of “RAW”, Snooki served as the show’s “guest star”. She made her presence known in a couple of charisma-bereft segments, only to find herself face to face with resident bad girls Michelle McCool, Layla, Vickie Guerrero (and her bleached blond lover Dolph Ziggler).

Naturally, the confrontation didn’t end in a spirited game of UNO (sigh…it never does) and the Snookster found herself in fisticuffs that made her look like a young Bastion Booger.

Snooki will team up with formerly retired WWE Diva Trish Stratus (who recently returned to the company as a trainer on the revival of the wrestling company’s reality show “Tough Enough” alongside Steve Austin) and the well-abdominal’d John Morrison.

There’s obviously a lot to love for WWE fans here. Snooki honed her craft as an amateur wrestler, traveling the globe with carnivals and going head to head with both man and bear alike. She will undoubtedly be training 16 hours a day in her dojo in the mountains of Parsippany, New Jersey until her big April 3rd date with destiny. And, if there’s any hope for the rest of us, she’ll don the war paint of the WWE Legend whom she compares stylistically the most to…the Ugandan Giant Kamala.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Somehow, the world of pro-wrestling has remained a fixture in American entertainment for the better part of the last 100 years or so. If you bring fake matches with men in tights, they will come. Wrestling has since evolved from carnival side-show matches to selling out arenas with thousands of rabid fans. But there’s no denying that, at it’s core, two guys playing a character pretending to hate each other, is just a really silly idea. Here we bring you the silliest, most surreal, wrestling characters that we’ve had the pleasure of watching in the ring.

10 The Gobbledy Gooker
Maybe the World Wrestling Federation’s writers were on a huge Thanksgiving kick. Or maybe they were taking a lot of hallucinogenics. Either way, they thought that having a grown man wearing a turkey costume and hatching from an egg was a character that deserved TV time. Once the Gooker finally got into the ring, he would dance around maniacally, seemingly impervious to the shower of boos being rained upon him. The Gooker was so despised by the wrestling world that a yearly award for the worst wrestling gimmick adopted his name. Cheers Goobledy Gooker, you were the worst of the worst. In this business, that’s an incredible feat.

9 The Yeti
First introduced to the audience as a giant block of mysterious ice, the Yeti was supposed to be another great villain to challenge Hulk Hogan. But when the ice thawed, and it was time to fight, the Yeti turned out to be a guy who looked like the time your kid brother wrapped himself in toilet paper to look like a mummy. The guy also had next to no real in-ring skills to boot. During one of his matches, he botched a simple bear hug so badly that it appeared he was forcing himself onto Hulk Hogan. Later on, the Yeti became a ninja; makes just about as much sense as the rest of the character.

8 Isaac Yankem DDS
Nobody likes to have their teeth drilled, everyone is at least a little bit afraid of going to the dentist. Somehow, the WWF turned this fear into a full-fledged freakazoid character named Isaac Yankem, the mad dentist who would threaten his opponents using dentist cliches. Getting told you’re about to be fit for the biggest pair of braces right before a big match isn’t threatening, it just sounds strange. The most ironic part was that Yankem had a terrible set of pearly whites himself. Thankfully, the WWF saw the error of their ways and Yankem eventually became Kane, the red-masked brother of the Undertaker.

7 The Repo Man
Yet another example of the WWF repackaging a completely innocuous real-life profession and turning it into a wrestling gimmick, the Repo Man was mostly active in the early-90s (the Golden Age of strange wrestling gimmicks.) He wore a Robin-type mask and walked around repossessing wrestlers cars, hats, belts etc. He also talked in a high-pitched voice and tied opponents up with tow wire. The Repo Man always seemed like more of an annoyance rather than a legitimate wrestler. Here’s a question: if he kept stealing things from the other wrestlers, why didn’t they just all corner him in the locker room and beat him up or something?

6 Johnny B. Badd
What do you get when you cross Little Richard, a loose understanding of disco culture, and a pretty bodacious mustache? WCW’s Johnny B. Badd. Whoever wrote this character in must have spent a decent amount of time at the disco clubs. Badd sauntered to the ring wearing a feather boa and about two pounds of makeup. Want to guess how the primarily Southern fans of WCW treated him?

5 PN News
Sometimes trying to get with the times is a good thing, other times it can explode in your face with the force of a nuclear warhead. PN News is an example of the latter. In an attempt to embrace the hip-hop generation, WCW hired the man known as PN News, a really really fat white guy dressed like LL Cool J. News would rap himself to the ring before every match eventually just ending each rap by saying “Yo baby, yo” over and over again. Needless to say, he sucked inside the ring and on the mic.

4 Arachnaman
Spiderman has been a huge hit for fans of all ages for years now. And thanks to the WCW and their lack of knowledge of copyright laws, he briefly appeared in the ring. Arachnaman displayed somewhat superhuman agility, very little personality, and an affinity for silly string. Arachnaman’s theme song is also up there amongst the worst entrance songs in wrestling history. To the surprise of pretty much only the WCW brass, a lawsuit helped make this monstrosity disappear.

3 Giant Gonzalez
These days, if nothing else, professional wrestlers have to be in great shape. Back in the early 90′s if you weren’t in great shape, it was no problem. All they would have to do is send you to wardrobe where they’d set you up with a t-shirt with painted on muscles and some hair implants that covered your shoulders and groin. And despite his wardrobe, Giant Gonzalez may be most famous for his match against the Undertaker at Wrestlemania IX, a match he lost by DQ after using chloroform to knock out his opponent. Classy.

2 Loch Ness
Legend has it that in the murky waters of Loch Ness lives a monster that terrorizes the people. Somehow, this was turned into having a big fat guy wear a garbage man’s outfit to the ring. This mythological beast could barely perform a running elbow drop without almost collapsing from exhaustion. In terms of in-ring athletic ability, Loch Ness made Andre the Giant look like Jordan. Thankfully, the character has since retreated back in to the lake of terrible ideas from whence he came.

1 The Shockmaster
If pictures tell a thousand words, you need only to look at the photo of our friend the Shockmaster above to know the story. The Shockmaster was supposed to be the mysterious partner of Sting to help him fend off his foes. But it’s pretty doubtful that anyone purposefully would have requested a guy wearing a Storm Trooper helmet and a garbage bag. The Shockmaster’s crowning moment was during his debut when he quite literally fell through a wall and flat on his face. Phenomenal. Just phenomenal.

The early returns look good for the wrestling promotion. “#therock” was a trending topic on Twitter minutes after Johnson’s entrance video and interview segment aired on the show.

Johnson also set up a confrontation with current WWE golden boy and pseudo film star John Cena, saying that part of the reasoning for his return was to get in Cena’s face after Cena bashed Johnson to the press for leaving WWE for his movie career.

During his interview on “Raw”, Johnson claimed he was back not to promote a new movie, but rather was with WWE “to stay.” But will he be there long-term to bring the business of sports entertainment back to where it was when he left? WWE is hoping you’ll tune in when WrestleMania airs on April 3, 2011, to find out.

So what do you think? Is the return of “The Rock” enough to get you back into the show?

9:30AM EASTERN UPDATE: Videos of the appearance are now below.

Chew your fingernails no more, patient taxpayer — you can check the status of your refund on the IRS’ brand new mobile application! Predictably, it’s got a very fancy and very awesome name: “IRS2Go.”
Or not. Whatever, at least it’s easy to use.

First, taxpayers enter a Social Security number, which is masked and encrypted for security purposes. Next, taxpayers pick the filing status they used on their tax return. Finally, taxpayers enter the amount of the refund they expect from their 2010 tax return.

I downloaded it a few minutes ago and, frankly, it’s pretty awesome.

Not “Angry Birds” awesome or anything, but it’s a simple-to-use, lightweight application that takes about two seconds to download.

The app is what’d you expect too: bland, efficient and just cold/evil-feeling enough to make you wonder what the hell that helicopter is doing up in the sky.

“Bonuses” outside of tracking include the ability to follow the IRS on Twitter (those guys are so full of jokes), an optional sign-up for tax updates (go ahead and give the government your email address, by all means) and a contact page.

That last one’s actually pretty handy, because it has “Call” buttons that let you dial into the Internal Revenue Service hotlines with a press of your thumb.

As for the refund tracking itself, well, I haven’t filed my taxes so I’m not sure just how well it works by they’re looking for a social security number — encrypted security, hopefully better than whatever the hell Amazon is using — a filing status and a refund amount.

When I tried entering in my social, my status and a fictional amount, I just got a “you entered something incorrectly.” Of course, I haven’t filed my taxes yet (don’t worry, I’ve got a good three months!) so it would be impossible to track. But if you have filed your taxes and test out the app, let me know in the comments or on Twitter (@willbrinson) whether or not you had to be spot-on with the amount to get a tracker. Also worth noting is that there’s a lag of about 72 hours from when the IRS says they’ve received your taxes to your ability to track it. So don’t get your panties in a bunch if you mailed them yesterday and the government’s not listening to you.

Really, the only bad thing about the App is that it doesn’t have a better welcome screen. You know, something like this:

Via the OC Register

According to the video’s page, you’ll see Lacey perform such advanced wrestling moves like:

Barefoot [ED. NOTE: The perfect gift for the New York Jets coach in your life], Taunting, Blatant Nut Punch, Multiple Diving Head Bunt Nut Smash Low Blow, Nut Stomp Low Blow, Throat Choke, Lock up, Belly Punch, Blatant Throat Choke, Vicious Face Punches, Vicious Foot Stomps, Clothesline, Multiple Vicious Crotch Stomps, Double Axe Handle Smashes.

Well, if I wasn’t sold on the clip, I’m definitely sold knowing that I’ll get to see the “Multiple Diving Head Bunt Nut Smash Low Blow.” You don’t see that one on your weekly telecast of Monday Night RAW nearly often enough.

I also hope my avatar wins the match. I’m all for first-person footage of a hot chick writhing in pain, but a victory over my opponent in the high-stakes competition that is professional wrestling is always first priority.

Finally, it’s like all of my vices have come together at once. Hot half-naked girl, alcohol, and reenacting scenes from late 90s WWE. Oh Dudley Boyz…how many confusing faps you created for us all.

@TheWF [Twitter]

See it starts off as a simple robbery, but quickly escalates into a Benny Hill sketch. The guy busts in and crashes on the motorcycle and he’s followed with a crowd carrying everything from cardboard boxes to giant swords. The criminal is jumping around, swinging a sword like he’s in a bad production of Othello and out of nowhere a guy runs in with a chair and just wrecks him — it looked like WWE’s SummerSlam. I half expected the Ultimate Warrior to run in and tag somebody out. I guess the lesson is that you shouldn’t steal purses in China. With over a billion witnesses, you are bound to get caught. And then they may go steel cage match on you…

on 205th recommends…

on 205th recommends…

on 205th recommends…

Let’s face it, folks… inside the heart of every sports blogger of a certain age is the desire to write wrestling storylines. Or, at least, in this one. Why settle for getting the hatred and scorn of just the online mouth-breathers, when there are so many more people to annoy and inflame? And so, without further ado (and my apologies if some of these have already been tried)…

10) Dr. Poke. An evil proctologist (is there any other kind, really?) who wears scrubs and rubber gloves, makes his opponent smell his fingers, and might have the most debilitating finishing move ever. He also earns extra heel points for constantly insisting that it’s pronounced “Poe-Kay”, and for all kinds of groaning HMO puns.

I’m seeing a solid 2-month run terrorizing undercard talent, until he meets his match against a guy who simply lubes up before the match. Hoist on his own petard. It’s Shakespearian. And only slightly more Alternative Lifestyle than a solid 30% of the current lineup…

9) WoW Woman. An overweight diva who routinely loses matches due to her preoccupation with her online avatar. Finishing moves include bashing cans of diet soda over her opponent’s head, and bad Cheeto breath. A natural tie-in for co-promotional marketing opportunities, along with, perhaps, the WWE’s first match that’s just between avatars.

8) Apoca Lester. Buzzcut southern white heel who only feuds with black faces while railing against Socialism and The Nanny State. Finishing moves include assaults with AM radios and the highly dreaded “Teabagging” move. Big crossover potential as a face if the political winds change; if and when that happens, we give him a Jack Bauer-esque arc and have him start waterboarding anti-Americans, or just brown people in general. Lots of potential here.

7) Tech Support. Ineffectual manager/lackey, possibly to #9, who wears nerd glasses, a pocket protector and a Blackberry. His weak in-ring attacks include stabbing motions with the smart phone, blowing compressed air into an opponent’s eyes, and clipboard shots.

6) The Texter. Delivers all smack talk in 140 characters or less for Twitter usage, and frequently lets down her tag-team partner due to being distracted with text messaging. Especially hated by older wrestlers, who can never get her attention in mid-rant. Finishing moves are mostly theoretical, but her prowess in thumb wrestling is a source of much boasting, and possible double-entendres with male wrestlers.

5) Hybrid Force. Co-ed Euro wrestler team (French?) who lecture their opponents for their wasteful carbon footprint and the crowd for their diet and transportation choices. Eventually, the cutest girl in the team will turn face after eating a cheeseburger. Finishing moves are elaborately choreographed set pieces of teamwork that are, of course, deficient in power.

4) Marshall Wigger. Painful white rapper wannabe with lame rhymes, a perpetual hoodie, and consistent whining about how hard his childhood was, and how no one understands his pain. Marshall’s attacks are mostly with a microphone and/or stand, along with a spastic dancing finishing move that’s mostly for comedy.

Ideally, the character would manage to get the real Eminem to show up and do a feud, with the real Em winning by being more hardcore with serial killer overtones. Eventually, both opponents are laid out by a run-in from the Insane Clown Posse, who have (a) old beef with Em, and (b) remarkable availability, in that I’m pretty sure no one has said their names in public this decade. It’s Detroit-riffic!

3) Eve O’Loution. Since the idea that humans are evolved from apes has never really caught on with the core constituency of the WWE, despite ample evidence to the contrary, let’s tap into that. I’m seeing a stuck-up blonde chick in a lab coat and glasses, lecturing the crowd and opponents with calm, even-handed analysis. That is, before taking the chair shot, and having bananas shoved in her mouth. We’ll show her evolution!

2) Ace Suckout. Is there anyone that a crowd wants to see get beaten down more than an egocentric poker player? Let’s find out. Any number of suit-related puns and attacks come into play here, with a finishing move that resembles a card slapdown and pulling in chips. The post-match rants about how lucky an opponent was, or how much the referee robbed him… well, they practically write themselves, don’t they?

1) Amnesio. Tragic face/heel switch male who has to wrestle with protective headgear due to a pre-existing medical condition. In moments of stress or cranial injury, his worldview changes with massive unpredictability. Finally, a way to resurrect some of that George The Animal Steele fun!

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