Yeah this is news

This dog is probably cooler than you

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This is arguably the most worthless story ever but this dog rocks entirely too much not to post it. The gist: An owner got his dog some sunglasses and now the dog won’t take them off. Read more

Anderson Cooper knows furries

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Most people who’ve used the Internet know what furries are, particularly if you’ve ever Googled “Teddy Ruxpin sex.” Um, accidentally. Of course. Anyway Anderson Cooper really lays it out when CNN is covering a furry convention for some reason. People often act like furries are the biggest sexual deviants on Earth, but I don’t agree. ... Read more

MSNBC encourages you to have creepy sex

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I’m all for whatever gets people going in the bedroom, particularly when you’re a parent and the sight of your wife’s might be like seeing an exploding roast beef sandwich. But calling each other “Mommy” and “Daddy” in bed? Pass. Read more

Smurfs smurfing to set smurf record

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2,500 douchebags are set to paint themselves blue and dress as Smurfs in order to set a Guinness World Record. I typically like Smurfs, but I find this enraging today for some reason. Read more

Reporter gets nice and wet

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I’m all for professionalism but it’s hard to take your serious news story seriously when you get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler. But nonetheless, kudos for this Missouri reporter for staying strong in the face of the Wet Menace. And just to present the opposite end of the spectrum, watch this reporter when ... Read more

Quote of the Day

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Since the news has basically given up on reporting actual news, they’re telling stories of assholes with squirrels in their attic. Like this asshole with a squirrel in his attic. History will show it was the squirrel who started this war. In an instinctive act of aggression, it occupied the territories known as the Jensens’ ... Read more

This kid takes prom seriously

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High school is a great time in a man’s life, especially today when the girls are easy and still require about as much romantic effort as I require to pleasure myself (basically just kind of being there and not causing hemorrhaging). But this kid is ruining it for everyone with his unnecessary teenage romantic efforts. Read more

Beer pong doesn't give you herpes, unless you're Fox News

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Stephen Colbert completely skewered Fox and Friends for its story on beer pong leading to disease according to a report by the Center for Disease Control (that was completely made up). The extremely informative report by Fox News is below. Researching is overrated though. Like, who cares if a report is real or not? It’s ... Read more

Fuck this kid and his dating book

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Having problems picking up women? Well fortunately, some little f’ing kid is getting attention for some retarded f’ing book he wrote about how to pick up women. Ugh. Read more

Kid in wheelchair does backflip (video)

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It’s Thanksgiving time and that means there’s nothing worth writing about going on, really. But fortunately there are brave media outlets like the Telegraph in the UK soldiering on, finding worthless news and writing about it. In this case, it’s a kid doing a backflip in a wheelchair, the first recorded instance. Sixteen-year-old Aaron Fotheringham ... Read more

Great ways to get your face bit the fuck off

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There are many places I wouldn’t put my face: A bear trap, a pie filled with poison (WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A DELICIOUSLY CONFUSING TREAT), a bee hive, a bed of needles, Tara Reid’s crotch. Well, you can add “Staring contest with a polar bear” to that list too. I get it. Flocke the ... Read more