I’m not at all mad at this. I really enjoyed Nazi-zombie movie Dead Snow and believe that making zombies formerly hateable people is lot more logical than making them people who lived a good life. Unless the zombie terrorists get 72 virgins despite not technically leaving their mortal coil. I could live without a zombie sex scene. I saw Bridges of Madison County. That was enough.

Osombie – Osama Bin Laden Zombie Slasher Action Film Trailer [Viral Viral Videos]

So a little over a week ago, the site NoHopeLeft popped up, and began spreading like wild fire. Pretty much everyone knew that it’s goofy “WE’RE DOOMED!!!” shtick was just a marketing stunt; the real question was for who.

But once certain connections were made, like how the logo had a resemblance to the biohazard logo, which is the Japanese name for Resident Evil, and how videos starring a terror stricken Chinese woman began popping up, given that a Chinese voice actress had put “Resident Evil 6″ on her resume online not too long ago, everyone began to have an idea as to what was being pimped.

Eventually the imagery presented listed a date, which was yesterday, and thus the rabbit was finally let out of the hat…

So this is what we know thus far, based upon the trailer alone:

- The President’s a zombie? Cool.
- So the game stars Leon Kennedy and Chris Redfield, together at long last. That’s also neat.
- But no Claire Redfield? What a crock. At the very least, Jill Valentine had better make some kind of appearance.
- There’s also a new, third playable character, who has a girlfriend. But more importantly, it looks like his blood is the key to stopping whatever the hell is going on.
- Game looks a lot like 4 and 5, which is a very good thing! I loved those games. Yes, even 5, which lots of folks hated for some reason.
- And yup, it does take place in China, or a significant portion at least. Can’t wait for them to sneak in references about Foxconn, and the ensuing protests.

Any fans of the Yakuza series out there? You basically play the role of a tough as nails, but with the heart of gold Japanese tough guy, who wants only to live a peaceful existence, but keeps getting dragged back into the criminal underworld. There’s been four primary entries, along with a PSP side story that never made it out here, along with another PS3 spin off that took place during feudal times.

Well, here’s another, but this one takes the mainstays from the regular games and tosses zombies into the mix…

Many were shocked that it even came out in Japan, myself included. Just a few days before it’s original release date was the earthquake and tsunamis, which understandably led to a delay, but many wondered if it would come out at all due to its depictions of society being ravaged by a catastrophe.

But much like how folks in NYC were still fond of that Spider-Man trailer in which he used the Twin Towers to create a huge web to capture a helicopter, post 9/11, and were thus pissed that it was taken out of the DVD release, Like a Dragon Of the End (the Japanese title of Yakuza is Like a Dragon, btw) was eventually released and life went on.

BTW, the fifth proper installment is in the works, and as they do with each one, the game’s makers are holding a beauty contest to find women to turn into the ladies that populate its virtual hostess clubs. Here’s the promotional clip for latest search, which is spanning five different cities across Japan…

Here are the contest details, in case you interested. Please note that you have to be a Japanese woman whose 18 or up. That’s gotta be at least a couple hundred of you readers, right? BTW, here’s a shot of all winners from part 4…

That guy in the throne, with the really deep tan. He makes the games, btw. And yes, he’s a total bad ass. The image is also from this Andriasang post, which talks about how one of the gals ended up in a porn. Once again, Yakuza is a man’s man game as it gets!

On a somewhat similar note with that bear pillow/robot hybrid Dan mentioned… familiar with the game Katamari Damacy? It was that weird and wonderful title for the PS2 in which you controlled a little guy and little ball that was sticky, and by rolling over things, it would grow bigger, and bigger, and bigger, etc. Well, it was a darling among casual and hardcore gamers, who also loved the follow-up, for the PS2 also.

But that good times feeling didn’t last for long, as the PSP version felt kinda “been there, done that”, as did the subsequent Xbox 360, PS3, and iPhone versions. The formula simply became stale, though the graphics and especially the music for each installment has always been nice and fresh (the soundtrack for the 360 in particular is rather underrated).

Not helping is how the man who created the game jumped ship after part 2, since he wasn’t thrilled with management’s decree to turn it into a full-fledged franchise, with yearly updates (who would then run off to make an even stranger game). Anyhow, and not surprisingly, there’s another installment headed to the Vita. Even if the latest version proves to be the same old, same old, for the 15th time, at least their intros are always worth watching…

Moving on, Japan’s affinity for scantily clad babes and zombie eradication has been firmly established (and honestly, it’s hardly a combination that’s exclusive to the land of the rising sun, especially since Lollipop Chainsaw is basically their take on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, as if it needs to be pointed out). Well behold the latest chapter of the Onechanbara saga…

The series has actually been kicking it out east for a while now; originally part of a line of budget titles for the PS2, it developed a rabid fan following (for obvious reasons) and there’s been countless follow-ups ever since (with two managing to make it out here in the States: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360, and Bikini Zombie Slayers for the Wii). The thing is, they’ve ALWAYS looked kinda janky, since they’ve stuck to the series roots and have always had a rather meager budget.

But the above looks, I dunno, quite nice! Either the publisher decided to finally put a serious budget behind the game (at last), or the definition of “low budget” has again been morphed by the times we live in today.

Get ready for the Cascore revolution, which seeks to bring both groups together, and have them play as one. And who’s the genius behind this movement? Why Peter Molydeux! Not Peter Molyneux, the man responsible for Fable and other Lionhead titles, aka gaming’s equivalent to PT Barnum…

Peter Molydeux is actually a parody Twitter account, which pokes fun at the real deal’s hyperbole. He’s quite the hit amongst gaming industry types, but I’m pretty sure anyone can enjoy the fake game designer’s fake game ideas. Here’s another, in which you actually assume the role of Peter Molyneux himself, aka God’s gift to video games. And who will make you believe that a tree can help you fly into outer space…

BTW, some have noticed that the Cascore title has more than a passing resemblance to Suda 51′s Diabolical Pitch, which also combines casual gameplay… in this case, throwing an imaginary baseball, a la Wii Sports… and killing zombies. Though Peter Molydeux has a reason for that…

Halloween is just a few short days away, so if you don’t have a costume, it’s about time you got on top of it. Last year we brought you tasteless costume ideas for 2010. Well, a lot of shit has gone down since then, so here’s a new batch of topical costumes that you can consider sporting this year.

10 Casey “Party Girl” Anthony
This is probably going to be one of the more popular costumes around this year for girls. It allows girls to dress slutty without people questioning exactly why they’re dressed slutty… plus if you’re like Casey, your Halloween night will end with you getting off. Make sure to leave your kid at home that night though because you want it to be authentic.

9 Chris “Meltdown” Brown
This is the perfect costume for that guy you know who loves to get into fights whenever he goes out drinking. All he has to do is bleach his hair, tear off his shirt for no real reason, and throw a bunch of tantrums throughout the night. Backhanding his girlfriend is optional.

8 Courtney Stodden
Ladies, you love to dress up skanky on Halloween. So why not dress up like the ultimate skank? Put on the tightest fitting dress you can find and spend about three days before injecting collagen into your lips. The drunker you get on Halloween, the better… since incoherence seems to be Courtney’s specialty. Remember to only flirt with men who are at least 35 years older than you.

7 Charlie Sheen
It’s true that the Charlie Sheen wow factor has fizzled out quite a bit, but this is Halloween! Dressing up as Sheen will allow you to snort a bunch of cocaine and get ridiculously drunk… which probably isn’t too different than most Halloweens, but it beats having to do it dressed as Gumby.

6 Marcus “In the Closet” Bachmann
The Sarah Palin costume is played out. If you really want to go with a political theme, have your girlfriend dress up as Michelle Bachmann so you can go as her husband, Marcus. Just make sure you build a portable closet around you since that guy is clearly always in one.

5 Christina “The Pudge” Aguilera
Fat girls, now’s the time to dress up like your favorite pop star and not have people give you a hard time for it! Thanks to Aguilera’s recent diet of Big Macs and Slurpees, people will actually believe you when you dress up as her this year.

4 Anthony Weiner’s Weiner
Chances are, people tell you you’re a dick anyway. Why not go as one of the most popular dicks of 2011?! … next to Mel Gibson, of course. You can pretty much wear some boxer briefs over your head to officially become the infamous “bulge”. Toss on a politician-style suit and you’re good to go.

3 Chaz Bono – A Couple Costume
This is the perfect couples costume for 2011. Ditch the cheesy, overdone Plug and Socket idea and instead hit your Halloween party as everyone’s favorite transgender contestant from Dancing With The Stars … before and after the surgery. For a little added fun, the guy should dress as pre-op “Chastity” and the girl can dress as post-op “Chaz”.

2 Jay-Z/Beyonce Fetus
This costume will certainly scare the hell out of Will and Jada’s kids. The Jay-Z/Beyonce fetus is moving in on their territory. Get yourself a flesh colored spandex suit, toss on a blonde lion’s mane and a tilted Yankees cap, and voila! You’re a fetus mogul in the making. For added effect, build yourself an umbilical cord and walk away saying “Uh huh, uh huh” way too much.

1 Zombies!
Zombies are in every year. This Halloween, however, there were a lot of major deaths that made headlines…giving you an assortment of zombie options:

1a. Osama bin Laden
This is going to be a very popular costume this year. If you want to attempt to one up everyone else, see if you can get six of your friends to dress up as seals with guns… as in SEAL Team Six… get it?!… never mind.

1b. Muammar Gadafhi
Dress up as everyone’s favorite fashionista dictator. If you’re the kind of zombie that likes to wear sunglasses and dress ridiculously, then this is the choice for you.

1c. Steve Jobs
It’s up to you to decide if this one is “too soon” or not. But a pair of jeans, a black turtleneck, an iPod, and some serious zombie make-up are all you really need to get Jobs alive and kicking again.

1d. Lindsay Lohan
Okay, she didn’t actually die this year (shocking, I know)… but have you seen her lately?! She looks like one of those moaning extras straight out of an episode of The Walking Dead. Start your meth binge now, so your body will be in perfect condition by Halloween. Or… if you want, you can always just go as Lohan’s career, since it’s been dead for years.

Behold the trailer for the upcoming Black Ops’ Rezurrection DLC, coming to the Xbox 360 first on August 23…

For those who aren’t all that floating around nonsense, and still prefer Nazi flavored zombies, you’re covered as well!

Here’s the deal: when folks talk about zombies in video games (a subject that’s very dear to my heart… actually not, because I find zombies SO played out, far passed the point of annoyance) most folks sound just as stupid, perhaps more so. At least these guys are high on drugs and can be excused for coming off like idiots.

Never-mind that they’re actually folks pretending to be high, pretending to be into video games. Or perhaps these actors actually do play games and know what they’re talking about, BUT ANYWAY! Point being: zombies are kinda played out. Sorry folks.

Dane Robert (aka: Cornelio Prick) and Brandon Mendelson (aka: Hugeh Prick) are two jerks who answer your questions. They’re fed up with the bullcrap canned answers that syndicated columnists give to people like you. You deserve the truth, even if it hurts. Dear Abby can kiss their backside.

Dear Pricks,

- Erwin

Hit me Osama, one more time.

Look, I’ve already said too much.

Just forget about him, kid. He’s a ghost.

Brandon Mendelson: C’mon dude. Really? Do I look like the CIA to you? Osama Bin Laden is in Pakistan. You know he’s in Pakistan. I know he’s in Pakistan. The CIA knows he’s in Pakistan. The problem is Pakistan has nuclear weapons, and they’re a (pretty crappy) ally of ours in the fight against Al-Qaeda and other dipshits who blow things up to scare us, not because they find it funny. So we know where he is, but there’s not much we can do about it. On the plus side, we have plenty of other a**holes we can kill with our robots. And who doesn’t enjoy that?

The odds are Osama Bin Laden will outlive you. You know why? Because I’m going to come to your house and kick your ass for asking such a stupid question after I’m done f*cking your wife while she wears a Wonder Woman costume.

I’m just kidding. Those Wonder Woman costumes are expensive. The cheap ones go for about $80, and then you gotta go find the boots, which can be a real bitch. Plus I like to rip that shit up each time, which means one night of fun might require multiple costumes. By the time I’m done tracking down those costumes and boots, I’m tired and don’t want to kill anything unless it appears on my TV screen and I’m shooting it with a plastic gun.

Which is a lot like how operating one of those robots, come to think of it …

Dear Pricks,

- Jonas

Dane Robert: First, you need to understand something. We are superior to you — and everyone else for that matter. This in and of itself, is not the reason we live longer, but rather, just something that I thought you should know.

Jonas, the tone of your question sounds like you’re desperate for acceptance. Quite frankly, you kind of sound like a whiny little bitch. If you’re looking for someone to replace your alcoholic father’s lack of affection, it’s not us.

You see, Jonas, by degrading you, we’re not only devaluing you as a human being, but we’re also peeling away your zest for life. It’s much like de-turding a shrimp for consumption.

We live longer than most people, because we eat away at their will to live. And, all the while, we feed off their misery, which just makes us stronger.

But, like every other superhuman life form, we have a kryptonite. In our case, it’s Japanese women (pre-tsunami). And of course, Chuck Norris.

There’s also this: while most semen die either trying to penetrate the egg or within a inhospitable environment, Prick semen are immortal and unwavering. They can survive in any climate and fight with their little semen heart. This characteristic is bred into the Prick offspring.

Brandon Mendelson: Are you talking about Dane and I specifically as Pricks? If so, then the answer is no. We’ll probably get killed by some irate troll who doesn’t understand that this column is called “Dear Pricks,” and whose only recourse after reading our answers in their tiny little mind is to murder the people who made them look stupid.

The rest of the pricks out there? Donald Trump, Dan Abrams, Sarah Palin, Arianna Huffington, Nancy Grace, Fred Phelps, The NFL owners? Those motherf*ckers are going to live forever. You know why? Because evil gets a pass. So my advice to you is to go to NicheClips.com, download a bunch of faux snuff films, get a rusty knife, and start cleaving your way down the West Coast. Why the West Coast? Because serial killers love that place, and no one is really going to miss those people anyway. Why do you think the rest of us keep rooting for that killer earthquake to come and drop California into the Pacific? Because we like geology?

(By the way: Killer Earthquake would make a great name for a band. It would also make a great name for a pro wrestler, and since the original Earthquake is dead, I don’t think he’s going to mind if you or one of your friends borrow the name for that purpose. Well, except for when his hungry corpse roams the Earth again during Ragnarok, but at that point you’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like figuring out who’s going to feed your pets.)

Dear Pricks,

- Matt

Enjoy your sexless life chasing imaginary zombies, losers.

With all of Brandon’s years of virginity and comic book experience, I’m going to defer to him on this question.

But, for the record, I think you’re both eff’n retarded.

Brandon Mendelson: I wouldn’t fight off a zombie infestation invasion. I’d probably let them bite me, grab a video camera while waiting for the infection to spread, and then record myself eating as many people as I can while I’m still human.

You know why? Because although humanity is usually boned in scenarios like this, it’s very possible that a cure could be found too. You don’t know what caused the zombies to appear in the first place, do you? So if it’s a virus or something, there could be an antidote. Assuming I’m cured, I could then put my video on eBay and sell it. You know there’s someone out there who would want it. Especially if they’re living in a place that was unaffected by the zombie infestation outbreak. And if not? I’m dead anyway. So who cares?

If I’m infected and about to become a zombie, I think I’m going to find out where Goldie Blair lives and eat her first. People like to buy movies where horrible things happen to woman with giant cans.

No one expects a zombie apocalypse. But the University of Florida is making sure officials are ready for a night of the living dead, just in case.

The school has a plan for responding to the undead on its Web site among outlines for dealing with hurricanes and pandemics.

The exercise lays out how university officials would respond to attacks by “flesh-eating, apparently life impaired individuals.” It notes that a zombie outbreak might include “documentation of lots of strange moaning.”

[Columbus Dispatch]

People often act like furries are the biggest sexual deviants on Earth, but I don’t agree. When you have a healthy sex life, things sometimes get a little weird. Like just because I ask you to dress like a zombie and threaten to eat my brains before I bash you in the head with a fake shotgun and f you doesn’t make me weird. It makes society unaccepting. Bunch of conformists, with your missionary and your love and affection and disdain towards f’ing reanimated corpses. That’s what ejaculation is all about my friends.

A Metairie resident is recovering after a stranger bit a chunk of flesh out of his arm, and swallowed it, Saturday afternoon.

Joseph Lancellotti, 67, told authorities he did not know the suspect, later identified as Mario Vargas, 48, or why he was attacked in his front yard.

Lancellotti was gardening at his home in the 4400 block of Kawanee Avenue about 2 p.m. when he noticed a man walking toward his house, shouting angrily, the report said. Lancellotti said he couldn’t understand the man because he was yelling in Spanish. But when the man got within two feet, he slugged Lancellotti in the head, the report said.

Lancellotti said he tried to defend himself with a garden rake. As the men struggled over the rake, the stranger bent over and bit Lancellotti on his right forearm, the report said. Lancellotti’s flesh ripped away as he fell to the ground. The man then got on top of Lancellotti and began choking him, the report said.

It was then that neighbor Chantal Lorio, a podiatrist and director of the Wound Center at East Jefferson General Hospital, came out to check on Lancellotti. Lorio said Monday that she first thought Lancellotti was having a heart attack and the other man was trying to help him.

“He said, ‘He bit my arm, chewed the flesh and swallowed it in front of me,’ ” Lorio recalled. She said the bite measured almost 3 by 1 1/2 inches, and was less than 1/4-inch deep.

Vargas, of 724 Camp St., New Orleans, was booked with second-degree battery. He was being held Monday at the Jefferson Parish Correctional Center in Gretna in lieu of $25,000 bail.

Well, if this guy isn’t a zombie (which is pretty crazy sounding because, if movies have taught us anything, he totally is Patient Zero), then maybe he shouldn’t have been charged with a crime. Maybe the guy who got bit should have been charged with two counts of deliciousness. Yeah! How come it’s always the biter’s fault? This Lancelloti character sounds like a pasta dish at a nice Italian restaurant…for all we know, he might have been on his lawn seasoning himself with seven essential herbs and spices. So see, eating his sweet, well-prepared flesh doesn’t seem so crazy now, does it?

Now I’m not saying you should go around with a t-shirt gun firing out rounds of Mrs. Dash. But, hey, recession.

[source]

This is just too confusing so I just like to worship zombies directly and cut out the middle man. But every time I pray to them I just hear “Nnnnnnnnnnnnn braiiiiiins” which probably means that I should think more when making decisions. Zombies, so wise. Also so smelly. Like not smelly like Buddha who probably reeks of fat man B.O. but definitely smelly like a rotting corpse and Muhammad probably smells like a cab. There really aren’t many delicious smelling deities actually. Let’s work on that.

People say zombies can be trained (and by people, I mean one of the Resident Evil movies) but I don’t buy it. I’m not a zombie, but when I’m hungry, I’ll occasionally pounce on the nearest person and start biting their head. I usually just kind of hurt my teeth because that stupid skull is in the way. I don’t know how zombies do it. I’d imagine they’d need something like you use to crack open a lobster, but they don’t have the dexterity to manage something like that and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen them carrying one around. Those zombies…they’re up to something.

If this doesn’t end in Flocke growing to full-size and mauling her handler because that’s how she’s been taught to “play,” I’m going to be extremely disappointed. People seriously need to learn that just because an animal is adorable doesn’t mean that it forgets that it has the strength of 18 strapping European powerlifters. If I were a polar bear, I’d spend all day just swatting people to the ground and eating their intestines. Same if I were a zombie. Actually, same if I were a fat man. I’m not going to lie, I’m really just looking for an excuse to maul people and eat their intestines.