Which is: what’s the deal with the disembodied head that’s attached to the hip?

Ever since Lollipop Chainsaw first hit the (You)tubes, I’ve been asking that exact question. With the strangest part being how, seemingly, I’ve been the only one to bring the subject up. In fact, it felt as ]]>

Which is: what’s the deal with the disembodied head that’s attached to the hip?

Ever since Lollipop Chainsaw first hit the (You)tubes, I’ve been asking that exact question. With the strangest part being how, seemingly, I’ve been the only one to bring the subject up. In fact, it felt as if no one else had even noticed in the first place.

Trust me, I follow all the major gaming blogs and have been keeping close tabs on coverage of the game on those ends; not once has it EVER been referenced. So thank God for the following, which sets the record straight. And… it’s her boyfriend?

I dunno; what could have been an extremely flimsy and flat-out retarded joke looks kinda awesome thus far. As usual, it’s all about the execution; the dialogue, and especially the voice acting, at least from what little we’ve witnessed, is actually pretty decent. Meaning, this sidekick doesn’t look the least bit annoying.

Some might also recall how I had initially scoffed Lollipop Chainsaw as a whole, as a sad sign of how Japan has officially run of ideas. Which I still somewhat believed, yet slowly but surely, I have also been unable to deny the rock solid concept of being a cheerleader who has to mow down zombies at her high school with her blinged out chainsaw.

Oh, also, the female Ash from Evil Dead skin played a considerable part in breaking down my defenses as well.

You know how all the people forecasting 2012′s film releases were like, “Okay, there’s a lot of cool comic book movies and chicks like The Hunger Games, but where are the terrorist zombie movies? It just seems so obvious, you know?” This independent film, titled Osombie, is here to ease ]]>

You know how all the people forecasting 2012′s film releases were like, “Okay, there’s a lot of cool comic book movies and chicks like The Hunger Games, but where are the terrorist zombie movies? It just seems so obvious, you know?” This independent film, titled Osombie, is here to ease those nonexistent people’s pains.

I’m not at all mad at this. I really enjoyed Nazi-zombie movie Dead Snow and believe that making zombies formerly hateable people is lot more logical than making them people who lived a good life. Unless the zombie terrorists get 72 virgins despite not technically leaving their mortal coil. I could live without a zombie sex scene. I saw Bridges of Madison County. That was enough.

Osombie – Osama Bin Laden Zombie Slasher Action Film Trailer [Viral Viral Videos]

The publisher has yet another zombie extermination escapade on the way. Big shocker, huh?

So a little over a week ago, the site NoHopeLeft popped up, and began spreading like wild fire. Pretty much everyone knew that it’s goofy “WE’RE DOOMED!!!” shtick was just a marketing stunt; ]]>

The publisher has yet another zombie extermination escapade on the way. Big shocker, huh?

So a little over a week ago, the site NoHopeLeft popped up, and began spreading like wild fire. Pretty much everyone knew that it’s goofy “WE’RE DOOMED!!!” shtick was just a marketing stunt; the real question was for who.

But once certain connections were made, like how the logo had a resemblance to the biohazard logo, which is the Japanese name for Resident Evil, and how videos starring a terror stricken Chinese woman began popping up, given that a Chinese voice actress had put “Resident Evil 6″ on her resume online not too long ago, everyone began to have an idea as to what was being pimped.

Eventually the imagery presented listed a date, which was yesterday, and thus the rabbit was finally let out of the hat…

So this is what we know thus far, based upon the trailer alone:

- The President’s a zombie? Cool.
- So the game stars Leon Kennedy and Chris Redfield, together at long last. That’s also neat.
- But no Claire Redfield? What a crock. At the very least, Jill Valentine had better make some kind of appearance.
- There’s also a new, third playable character, who has a girlfriend. But more importantly, it looks like his blood is the key to stopping whatever the hell is going on.
- Game looks a lot like 4 and 5, which is a very good thing! I loved those games. Yes, even 5, which lots of folks hated for some reason.
- And yup, it does take place in China, or a significant portion at least. Can’t wait for them to sneak in references about Foxconn, and the ensuing protests.

Hopefully Yakuza: Dead Souls will have hostess clubs as well… undead hostess clubs, naturally. Actually, it’s somewhat of a safe bet.

Any fans of the Yakuza series out there? You basically play the role of a tough as nails, but with the heart of gold Japanese tough guy, who wants ]]>

Hopefully Yakuza: Dead Souls will have hostess clubs as well… undead hostess clubs, naturally. Actually, it’s somewhat of a safe bet.

Any fans of the Yakuza series out there? You basically play the role of a tough as nails, but with the heart of gold Japanese tough guy, who wants only to live a peaceful existence, but keeps getting dragged back into the criminal underworld. There’s been four primary entries, along with a PSP side story that never made it out here, along with another PS3 spin off that took place during feudal times.

Well, here’s another, but this one takes the mainstays from the regular games and tosses zombies into the mix…

Many were shocked that it even came out in Japan, myself included. Just a few days before it’s original release date was the earthquake and tsunamis, which understandably led to a delay, but many wondered if it would come out at all due to its depictions of society being ravaged by a catastrophe.

But much like how folks in NYC were still fond of that Spider-Man trailer in which he used the Twin Towers to create a huge web to capture a helicopter, post 9/11, and were thus pissed that it was taken out of the DVD release, Like a Dragon Of the End (the Japanese title of Yakuza is Like a Dragon, btw) was eventually released and life went on.

BTW, the fifth proper installment is in the works, and as they do with each one, the game’s makers are holding a beauty contest to find women to turn into the ladies that populate its virtual hostess clubs. Here’s the promotional clip for latest search, which is spanning five different cities across Japan…

Here are the contest details, in case you interested. Please note that you have to be a Japanese woman whose 18 or up. That’s gotta be at least a couple hundred of you readers, right? BTW, here’s a shot of all winners from part 4…

That guy in the throne, with the really deep tan. He makes the games, btw. And yes, he’s a total bad ass. The image is also from this Andriasang post, which talks about how one of the gals ended up in a porn. Once again, Yakuza is a man’s man game as it gets!

The game scene over there has been stagnant to say the least, as they mostly keep churning out the same old, same old, ad nauseam. But hey, if you’re a fan if rolling sticky balls and hot chicks killing zombies, there are surly worse things in life, right?

On a ]]>

The game scene over there has been stagnant to say the least, as they mostly keep churning out the same old, same old, ad nauseam. But hey, if you’re a fan if rolling sticky balls and hot chicks killing zombies, there are surly worse things in life, right?

On a somewhat similar note with that bear pillow/robot hybrid Dan mentioned… familiar with the game Katamari Damacy? It was that weird and wonderful title for the PS2 in which you controlled a little guy and little ball that was sticky, and by rolling over things, it would grow bigger, and bigger, and bigger, etc. Well, it was a darling among casual and hardcore gamers, who also loved the follow-up, for the PS2 also.

But that good times feeling didn’t last for long, as the PSP version felt kinda “been there, done that”, as did the subsequent Xbox 360, PS3, and iPhone versions. The formula simply became stale, though the graphics and especially the music for each installment has always been nice and fresh (the soundtrack for the 360 in particular is rather underrated).

Not helping is how the man who created the game jumped ship after part 2, since he wasn’t thrilled with management’s decree to turn it into a full-fledged franchise, with yearly updates (who would then run off to make an even stranger game). Anyhow, and not surprisingly, there’s another installment headed to the Vita. Even if the latest version proves to be the same old, same old, for the 15th time, at least their intros are always worth watching…

Moving on, Japan’s affinity for scantily clad babes and zombie eradication has been firmly established (and honestly, it’s hardly a combination that’s exclusive to the land of the rising sun, especially since Lollipop Chainsaw is basically their take on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, as if it needs to be pointed out). Well behold the latest chapter of the Onechanbara saga…

The series has actually been kicking it out east for a while now; originally part of a line of budget titles for the PS2, it developed a rabid fan following (for obvious reasons) and there’s been countless follow-ups ever since (with two managing to make it out here in the States: Bikini Samurai Squad for the Xbox 360, and Bikini Zombie Slayers for the Wii). The thing is, they’ve ALWAYS looked kinda janky, since they’ve stuck to the series roots and have always had a rather meager budget.

But the above looks, I dunno, quite nice! Either the publisher decided to finally put a serious budget behind the game (at last), or the definition of “low budget” has again been morphed by the times we live in today.

There are numerous types of gamers, but when you get down to it, they can boiled down to either one of two types: casual and hardcore gamers. For years, designers have tried making both audiences happy, but at long last, someone’s finally discovered the winning formula.

Get ready for the ]]>

There are numerous types of gamers, but when you get down to it, they can boiled down to either one of two types: casual and hardcore gamers. For years, designers have tried making both audiences happy, but at long last, someone’s finally discovered the winning formula.

Get ready for the Cascore revolution, which seeks to bring both groups together, and have them play as one. And who’s the genius behind this movement? Why Peter Molydeux! Not Peter Molyneux, the man responsible for Fable and other Lionhead titles, aka gaming’s equivalent to PT Barnum…

Peter Molydeux is actually a parody Twitter account, which pokes fun at the real deal’s hyperbole. He’s quite the hit amongst gaming industry types, but I’m pretty sure anyone can enjoy the fake game designer’s fake game ideas. Here’s another, in which you actually assume the role of Peter Molyneux himself, aka God’s gift to video games. And who will make you believe that a tree can help you fly into outer space…

BTW, some have noticed that the Cascore title has more than a passing resemblance to Suda 51′s Diabolical Pitch, which also combines casual gameplay… in this case, throwing an imaginary baseball, a la Wii Sports… and killing zombies. Though Peter Molydeux has a reason for that…

What’s better than battling actual zombies on a set of a fake zombie movie alongside Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Machete, among others? Battling them in space I guess.

Behold the trailer for the upcoming Black Ops’ Rezurrection DLC, coming to the Xbox 360 first on August 23…

Video games featuring zombies to be exact, as you’ll see in this clip from an upcoming episode...

Here’s the deal: when folks talk about zombies in video games (a subject that’s very dear to my heart… actually not, because I find zombies SO played out, far passed the point ]]>

Video games featuring zombies to be exact, as you’ll see in this clip from an upcoming episode...

Here’s the deal: when folks talk about zombies in video games (a subject that’s very dear to my heart… actually not, because I find zombies SO played out, far passed the point of annoyance) most folks sound just as stupid, perhaps more so. At least these guys are high on drugs and can be excused for coming off like idiots.

Never-mind that they’re actually folks pretending to be high, pretending to be into video games. Or perhaps these actors actually do play games and know what they’re talking about, BUT ANYWAY! Point being: zombies are kinda played out. Sorry folks.

Dane Robert (aka: Cornelio Prick) and Brandon Mendelson (aka: Hugeh Prick) are two jerks who answer your questions. They’re fed up with the bullcrap canned answers that syndicated columnists give to people like you. You deserve the truth, even if it hurts. Dear Abby can kiss their backside.

Dear ]]>

Dane Robert (aka: Cornelio Prick) and Brandon Mendelson (aka: Hugeh Prick) are two jerks who answer your questions. They’re fed up with the bullcrap canned answers that syndicated columnists give to people like you. You deserve the truth, even if it hurts. Dear Abby can kiss their backside.

Dear Pricks,

Where the hell is Osama?

- Erwin

Hit me Osama, one more time.

Dane Robert: I do know where Osama is, but quite frankly, I don’t want you f*cking up what Duane Chapman, my Sensei and I have been working on for the last six years. Let’s just say, if all goes as planned, this time next year “Dog” and I will be free-climbing the face of Mount Rushmore with a pound of catnip and a pocket full of Chinese stars.

Look, I’ve already said too much.

Just forget about him, kid. He’s a ghost.

Brandon Mendelson: C’mon dude. Really? Do I look like the CIA to you? Osama Bin Laden is in Pakistan. You know he’s in Pakistan. I know he’s in Pakistan. The CIA knows he’s in Pakistan. The problem is Pakistan has nuclear weapons, and they’re a (pretty crappy) ally of ours in the fight against Al-Qaeda and other dipshits who blow things up to scare us, not because they find it funny. So we know where he is, but there’s not much we can do about it. On the plus side, we have plenty of other a**holes we can kill with our robots. And who doesn’t enjoy that?

The odds are Osama Bin Laden will outlive you. You know why? Because I’m going to come to your house and kick your ass for asking such a stupid question after I’m done f*cking your wife while she wears a Wonder Woman costume.

I’m just kidding. Those Wonder Woman costumes are expensive. The cheap ones go for about $80, and then you gotta go find the boots, which can be a real bitch. Plus I like to rip that shit up each time, which means one night of fun might require multiple costumes. By the time I’m done tracking down those costumes and boots, I’m tired and don’t want to kill anything unless it appears on my TV screen and I’m shooting it with a plastic gun.

Which is a lot like how operating one of those robots, come to think of it …

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Dear Pricks,

Does a Prick live longer than other people?

- Jonas

Dane Robert: First, you need to understand something. We are superior to you — and everyone else for that matter. This in and of itself, is not the reason we live longer, but rather, just something that I thought you should know.

Jonas, the tone of your question sounds like you’re desperate for acceptance. Quite frankly, you kind of sound like a whiny little bitch. If you’re looking for someone to replace your alcoholic father’s lack of affection, it’s not us.

You see, Jonas, by degrading you, we’re not only devaluing you as a human being, but we’re also peeling away your zest for life. It’s much like de-turding a shrimp for consumption.

We live longer than most people, because we eat away at their will to live. And, all the while, we feed off their misery, which just makes us stronger.

But, like every other superhuman life form, we have a kryptonite. In our case, it’s Japanese women (pre-tsunami). And of course, Chuck Norris.

There’s also this: while most semen die either trying to penetrate the egg or within a inhospitable environment, Prick semen are immortal and unwavering. They can survive in any climate and fight with their little semen heart. This characteristic is bred into the Prick offspring.

Brandon Mendelson: Are you talking about Dane and I specifically as Pricks? If so, then the answer is no. We’ll probably get killed by some irate troll who doesn’t understand that this column is called “Dear Pricks,” and whose only recourse after reading our answers in their tiny little mind is to murder the people who made them look stupid.

The rest of the pricks out there? Donald Trump, Dan Abrams, Sarah Palin, Arianna Huffington, Nancy Grace, Fred Phelps, The NFL owners? Those motherf*ckers are going to live forever. You know why? Because evil gets a pass. So my advice to you is to go to NicheClips.com, download a bunch of faux snuff films, get a rusty knife, and start cleaving your way down the West Coast. Why the West Coast? Because serial killers love that place, and no one is really going to miss those people anyway. Why do you think the rest of us keep rooting for that killer earthquake to come and drop California into the Pacific? Because we like geology?

(By the way: Killer Earthquake would make a great name for a band. It would also make a great name for a pro wrestler, and since the original Earthquake is dead, I don’t think he’s going to mind if you or one of your friends borrow the name for that purpose. Well, except for when his hungry corpse roams the Earth again during Ragnarok, but at that point you’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like figuring out who’s going to feed your pets.)

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Dear Pricks,

How would you fight off a zombie infestation invasion?

- Matt

Enjoy your sexless life chasing imaginary zombies, losers.

Dane Robert: As much as I would like to be a DEF-CON 4 level of loser like you and your boner-licking friends, I unfortunately didn’t grow up in a land of make-believe, with a group of dudes that circle-jerked while playing Dungeons and Dragons. I live in a world where people enjoy having sex with other people and when we masturbate, it’s thinking about actual sex, not anime.

With all of Brandon’s years of virginity and comic book experience, I’m going to defer to him on this question.

But, for the record, I think you’re both eff’n retarded.

Brandon Mendelson: I wouldn’t fight off a zombie infestation invasion. I’d probably let them bite me, grab a video camera while waiting for the infection to spread, and then record myself eating as many people as I can while I’m still human.

You know why? Because although humanity is usually boned in scenarios like this, it’s very possible that a cure could be found too. You don’t know what caused the zombies to appear in the first place, do you? So if it’s a virus or something, there could be an antidote. Assuming I’m cured, I could then put my video on eBay and sell it. You know there’s someone out there who would want it. Especially if they’re living in a place that was unaffected by the zombie infestation outbreak. And if not? I’m dead anyway. So who cares?

If I’m infected and about to become a zombie, I think I’m going to find out where Goldie Blair lives and eat her first. People like to buy movies where horrible things happen to woman with giant cans.

]]> http://guyism.com/lifestyle/dear-pricks-wheres-osama-zombies-and-more.html/feed 3 dear-pricks-zombies-osama Osama Hit me Osama, one more time. Zombie Enjoy your sexless life chasing imaginary zombies, losers.