A Christmas Story

Ive been fighting off a nasty virus the last couple of days. Started on Sat night and is still rolling into today. I wont give you the details but to say the least, its ugly.

Its important you know this as I lead into my Christmas Story.

After waking up on Christmas morning to a feeling worse than the hangover on my 21st bday, I immediately knew it was going to be a bad day. I tried to get out of bed but was so weak, even pulling the covers off was tough. In a lame attempt for entertainment, I Dutch oven’d myself.

What followed next was the stuff of flatulence legend. After a quick whiff and a laugh, I noticed that the stench was extremely more foul than normal. And 20 seconds later, the stench had become toxic enough for me to actually run out of the room.

I successfully farted myself out of bed. Pretty incredible when you think about it.

3 hours later

The family was headed to my sister and brother in law’s for Christmas. Under great duress, I showered and changed and crawled to my car. I needed to stop at the local pharmacy for some Imodium or it would be an ugly scene at their place.

Went into the CVS, grabbed a Gatorade and some Imodium AD and went to the register. “Dave” the store manager was working behind the counter. After looking at my items and ringing me up, he made this witty comment.

“Not feeling good today, huh buddy?”

I stared at him for a good five seconds and tried to muster a clever response but was so dehydrated my brain wasnt working properly.

Thanks Dave, you ahole. How could you tell I wasnt feeling well? Im guessing Imodium AD isnt a regular seller on Christmas huh?

Jackass.

So now Im already annoyed, I pull out of CVS and start heading to the family gathering. All of a sudden, Im cut off by this huge Denali and forced to swerve into another lane. Nevermind the fact that I almost sharted, but I almost crashed into another SUV in the lane I swerved into. In typical Isaac fashion, I laid on my horn for a good 30 seconds to let the Denali know that though it was Xmas, it still doesnt mean you can drive like a donkey.

I pulled up next to the driver and she put up her hands like “Hey, what did I do”. I wasnt having it and wasnt in the mood to be all “Christmasy”. I did what any angry man would do in this situation. I gave her the finger.

However, it wasnt the “I hate you finger”. It is more of a “holiday finger”. You know, the one where you give them the bird but yet, you still carry a smile on your face.

5 hours later

After leaving my family gathering, I was off to my girlfriend’s parents house for dinner. I told her it wasnt a good idea that I go but she insisted. I had no choice.

When we got to her parents place, I realized I had forgotten my Imodium AD at my sisters place. Pain and grief overcame me. I started sweating bullets. If I unleashed my fury on their bathroom, it would be something that would be etched into their mind till the end of their days.

I can see her Dad on his deathbed 30 years from now saying:

“Remember when Isaac shat so bad on Christmas we had to call an exterminator to fumigate. It was the worst Christmas ever.”

I tried not to panic but as the minutes passed, I knew I wouldnt be able to hold it. The beads of sweat were dripping on my clothing. I was waiting for an opportunity where nobody would notice my slipping into the lavatory.

We all started praying when the food came out and a glimmer of light shone upon me. As “Our Father” echoed in the background, I made haste towards the bathroom in a speed unbeknowst to me since the 10th grade.

With barely enough time to think, I pulled a Jeff Daniels from Dumb and Dumber.

After “giving the toilet the business”, I did my best to air out the damage. Flushing twice didnt do the job, so I went for the unprecented “triple courtesy flush”. Unheard of I tell ya!

I opened the door a crack to see if anybody had their eye on the bathroom. With everybody focused on the food, it was a clean get away.

I was now the turd burglar.

Merry Xmas everyone!

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