All hail our new python overlords

Hey, do you not have enough to worry about in life? Well, here’s another things…Burmese pythons are going to end you.

As if killer bees and kudzu weren’t enough, the southern United States may soon have another invasive species to contend with — giant Burmese pythons capable of swallowing deer and alligators whole.

Approximately 30,000 of the big snakes, which can reach 30 feet and 200 pounds, already live wild in Florida’s Everglades, thanks to thick-headed pet owners who’ve released them into the swamps when they’ve grown too large to keep at home.

Cruz and Jillson, members of Miami-Dade Rescue’s specialized Venom 1 unit, wrestled the snake under control as feathers flew. They carted the python away, not to be euthanized but to make sure it ended up where it wouldn’t kill native animals or pets.

“Lately it’s getting worse,” Jillson said. “We’re going to find even more of these animals.”

In 2004, wildlife researchers found a gory tableau in the Everglades — a 13-foot python had swallowed a six-foot alligator whole. Then the snake’s abdomen burst open, killing it and leaving both animals forever conjoined in reptilian mutually assured destruction.

Well, I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting a Burmese python but I have to say that, assuming they’re unable to read this, I might not find it to be the most desirable situation. And if they can read this, well, I guess we’re all fed.

Reading this article makes me want to meet a really tall, boneless woman who gives great bjs so that I can call her “The Burmese Python” when discussing her to friends. But you women aaaaaalways have to have bones don’t you? Sluts. With your bones. No wonder no one loves you.

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