Congratulations fatsos, you're as fat as you're gonna get

The Center for Disease Control released a study today that seems like good news but totally isn’t. Apparently, America has plateaued in its obesity.

After 25 years of what health officials call an obesity epidemic, American adults finally may be getting a handle on the battle of the bulge, according to federal data released Wednesday.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said 34.3% of adults — or more than 72 million people — were obese in 2005 and 2006. The figures were essentially unchanged from the previous two-year period for the first time since 1980.

“It is great that the problem is not increasing,” said Meir Stampfer, a professor of nutrition and epidemiology at the Harvard School of Public Health. But he added: “This does not mean that the problem is over.”

Glenn Gaesser, an exercise physiologist at the University of Virginia and author of the iconoclastic book “Big Fat Lies,” said there just may be metabolic limit to body weight.

Americans may have finally reached that point. “You can only get so fat,” he said.

The idea of that is awesomely perturbing. That we, as Americans, are now basically so fat that our bodies can’t handle getting any fatter without somehow turning the universe into a black hole. This is what it’s come to.

Frankly, it’s not the American way to roll over and die like this (other than of heart disease, I suppose). We need to work on improving! This plateau crap can’t stand. And if we’re not going to get thinner, clearly we need to eat and eat and eat until this entire country goes underwater. THAT, my friends, is what we call American Ingenuity.

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