DETROIT SPORTS PREDICAMENT CAUSING MARITAL PROBLEMS

I received this letter from a woman who seems to be in dire need of some help during these hectic days of sports in Detroit. With the Pistons and Wings playing on the same day, many woman are scrambling trying to figure out what they are going to do.

And although, this really isn’t my forte, I’ve decided to try and help this desperate young lady.

Dear Isaac:

Ever since the playoffs started, my husband stopped paying attention to me. Every night its something different. The Pistons, the Wings, and even the Tigers get more play than I do. His eyes are glued to the Tv. He screams and shouts out names of players. He calls and texts his friends to complain about what’s happening in the game. But when I ask him a question about something, he looks at me like I’m speaking Chinese. “Huh” and “Don’t bother me during the game ” are his favorite responses.

I’m thinking about moving onto greener pastures, somebody who will appreciate me for who I am. And maybe even somebody who just doesn’t care about sports. I’m so confused. I thought he loved me but he seems to be more infatuated with balls and pucks than being with me

Please help me Isaac.

Desperate in Detroit

My response

Dear Desperate in Detroit:

Quite a predicament you’ve gotten yourself in young lady. And while I don’t consider myself a relationship advice expert, I feel obligated to help someone in need. I’ve provided a couple of different options you can use. Hopefully they work….

Option 1-Of Love and Lust

Go to the store and purchase a Red Wings Jersey. Wait for the Red Wings game to start and go your bedroom. Strip down naked and throw nothing but the jersey on. Begin to prance around the house in the jersey, conveniently dropping things and picking them up. If you look anything like this:

It should work. If it doesn’t, feel free to give me a call. Isaac will warm you right up.

Option 2-The 3 Bs of my life(Beer, Boobies, and the Boobtube)

Wait for Saturday’s Wings and Pistons game to start before you leave. Make a visit to your local party store. Purchase a number of smut magazines; Playboy, Hustler, perhaps even a Michigan Swinger. Pick up two cases of beer and 3 packs of AA batteries and take all that back to the house. Go on the computer, use Priceline to find a hotel in your area. After you have a room reserved, begin to type in boobies in google and open up 5 or 6 different webpages. Leave the webpages open as you begin to pack your stuff for about a two week stay.

Leave your husband a note that you are leaving as he will probably not even notice you are gone.

With that, you’ve satisfied your duties as a woman. You’ve provided him with enough whack off material for the duration of the playoffs, enough booze to get drunk from every night, and batteries in case the remote needs it. So basically, the only things you were useful for anyways.

Leave for two weeks or until the playoffs have concluded and I guarantee you’ll come back more loved than ever. Just make sure to pick up some KFC on the way back.

Option 3-The Star Athlete Rendezvous

This calls for impeccable timing on your part. Wait around for a Tigers game that is close in the late innings. Perhaps even when they have a lead. At a crucial point in an at-bat, go into the room and declare that you have been sleeping with Joel Zumaya. The mere mention of Zumaya, especially in a late game situation, should perk his ears up a bit. Produce pictures of yourself partying it up with Zumaya.

One of two things will happen.

1) He storms out of the house and beats the crap out of Zumaya. Therefore, relieving all Tigers fans hopes of Zumaya actually returning this year and actually giving Zoom a legitimate injury this time

2) He doesn’t care and doesn’t even want to hear what you have to say. In which case, its a win-win situation for you as you banged a star athlete and can continaully cheat on him without him caring

I hope this helps “Desperate in Detroit”. Let me know how it works out.

Isaac

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