India's the Planet of the Apes

I know I’m not the most enlightened when it comes to other cultures, but what the hell is going on India? The monkeys are taking over New Delhi.

Just weeks after the Indian capital’s deputy mayor toppled to his death fighting off a pack of monkeys, the animals are back on the attack, sparking fresh concerns about the simian menace.

One woman was seriously hurt and two dozen other people were given first aid after monkeys rampaged through a neighbourhood in east Delhi over the weekend…

“I was talking to someone at my door at around 11 pm when a monkey appeared,” Naseema, who goes by one name, told the Times of India. “As I moved inside, the monkey followed and sank its teeth in my baby’s leg.”

What a menacing monkey. He probably knocked on the door first, then disappeared when the woman came to see who was there. Then, as she closed the door, confused and slightly relieved, he snuck up behind her and punched her in the ovaries, then went to bite the baby. Damn monkeys.

Maybe this is the monkeys’ way of saying that they demand equal rights. It’s almost poetic the way in which they’re looking to topical the current, oppressive, cow-loving regime for their freedom. It’s like Braveheart, only with furry little guys that like to bite people and through feces. So actually there’s really no difference at all between this and Braveheart.

--- Did you like this article? And you probably like contests, exclusive content, and smug commentary right? Then why aren't you liking Guyism on Facebook? Show some pride and click the "Like" button below right now: