Lawyers are such fags

You know who my heart breaks for the most in society? Those poor overworked lawyers.

Even lawyers need a hug. When workdays stretch into worknights and the pressure to meet the quota for billable hours grows, lawyers and staff members at the firm of Perkins Coie can often expect a little bonus.

“That’s the whole beauty of it all — it’s random acts of kindness,” said Lori Anger, client relations manager of Perkins Coie, which is based in Seattle. “We have pretty strict hours, so it’s a nice way to surprise people.”

“Forget the pet insurance and concierge services: that’s setting up people’s lives, and I find that appalling,” said Mitchell S. Roth, a principal at Much Shelist Denenberg Ament & Rubenstein, a comparatively small firm based in Chicago. “The perk we offer in our world is a culture of collegiality and training.”

Still, Mr. Roth acknowledged that Much Shelist occasionally brought in a masseuse.

“It’s for morale,” he said.

Collegiality, training, and happy endings. Frankly, I don’t know what else you can ask for from a job.

Oh yeah, you could also ask for the $50,000 bonuses that associates in some of the firms profiled in the Times piece receive. Those might also help. Honestly, I really don’t think you need a masseuse or hugs or pet insurance (another perk mentioned in the article) to be cool with your soulless, life-draining job. All I look for is a job that can keep me clothed in golden bathrobes and bathing in spices that Columbus was trying to get when sailing the blue blue oceans. Is that so much to ask?

Good thing all this blog money is rolling in. This week, I’m planning on buying a pack of Bazooka gum with my riches! Bazooka Joe will tell me just what I need to hear. He’s easily the wisest man to ever come with a piece of gum, just barely beating out the Garbage Pail Kids.

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