Lions just being lions

You know what’s probably not news (in the sense that it’s nothing even remotely surprising in any way)? A lion biting off a boy’s arm. But what’s that? Oh apparently it is news! Yay for surprises!

The boy was looking at the lion Saturday at Wanfota Park in Mengcheng, a county in Anhui province, when the feline lunged and grabbed the boy with its paws, pulling the child’s arm inside the cage, the Xinhua News Agency said.

“Park workers managed to pull the boy away, but his left arm had been torn away by the animal,” Xinhua said.

The reason behind the attack was not immediately clear. Doctors at the No. 1 People’s Hospital operated on the boy, Xinhua said.

A man who answered the telephone at the hospital’s emergency room Monday confirmed that the boy had been treated there and was still recovering. He did not have details and directed queries to the hospital’s administrative office, where phones rang unanswered.

Holy crap stop the presses. A big fierce animal with big teeth will eat my limbs off if I come too close to it? No f’ing way! He was probably just getting that little Chinese boy back for years of passing off his relatives as sesame chicken.

I don’t know, I’m definitely siding with the lion here. It’s like when women where short skirts around me. It’s like, you don’t expect me to pull out my comically oversized fan and blow it up? You mess with the bull, you get your skirt blown up at really inappropriate times. Sorry, I suck at metaphors.

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