Man attempts rape of raccoon, fails

Raccoons are so sexy with their darkened eyes and fur so you could see why a drunk man would try to f one. But yeah, not the best idea.

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off,” said a pal.

“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with.”

I think it’s charming how the principles of communism apply across the board still in Russia. This gentleman thought, “Well, the rest of the state gets adequate amounts of penis so we must give to the weak.” It’s quite noble. Other than the beastiality and penis-biting parts.

More importantly, let this be a lesson: When raping a raccoon, stick to traditional intercourse. Raccoons are strictly missionary or, occasionally, in favor of a Chinese sex swing. Also rabies. They sure love rabies.

[source]

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