Man makes sweet sweet love to bike, gets caught

The UK always has the sexiest story. Today, it’s a story about a man and his illicit love affair with a bicycle.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

“They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

“The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.”

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.”

I get that it was a hostel, but come on, where else is the guy going to have sex with his bike? I mean, this is the place he was staying. If he had met a hot chick or dude and brought them back to the hostel, the employees would just be like, “Oh, that’s normal.” But because the guy’s there with his pants down and with a c*ck full of spokes, he’s a “problem.” Such intolerance.

Stewart later said the offense was due to having a bit too much to drink. I’ve been there man. If I had a dollar for every time I had a bit too much to drink and woke up next to a bike, I’d have a sh*tload of dollars. Fat bikes, ugly bikes, bikes in need of lube, bikes that turned out to have penises. Bikes filled with remorse. So many bikes filled with remorse.

Thanks to tipster Meg, who knows my love affair with bikes all too well.

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