Naked man sleeps on couch, encounters problems

It’d take a lot of counting for me to apply an accurate number to how many times a naked man has mysteriously appeared on my couch. Welcome to my world, old lady.

A man who was found sleeping naked on the couch is under arrest. It wasn’t his couch.

Police say they got a call shortly after 3 a.m. Sunday from a 72-year-old woman who said someone had broken into her house in Jacksonville Beach.

According to the police report, the woman heard glass breaking and though someone had broken a window.

What had actually happened is that 27-year-old Nickolas Edward Rust had kicked in her door to break in, and then broke a vase as he went through the dining room.

He then took his clothes off and went to sleep on her couch, which is where he was when police found him.

The woman told police she doesn’t know the man, and he wasn’t supposed to be there.

Drunk people are silly sometimes. I occasionally imbibe beyond my tolerance and, sure, things get silly, but I’ve never once done some of the dumb crap I read about drunk people doing all of the time. The worst thing I’ve ever done when drunk was lessening my 401k contribution or making my stock portfolio less diverse. You know, really living on the edge.

But then there are people like this guy who kick down old ladies’ doors and jerk off on their fruitcake (no, not the old lady’s gay son Andy, the actual fruitcake dessert) and it just all seems silly for a grown man to do. If you’re really courageous, you’ll do it sober. Just one afternoon kick an old lady’s door down and, while she screams for help, just kick your feet up on her couch and take a nice nap. Eventually she’ll just die or knit you a sweater or something as old ladies are wont to do. But hey, who cares, you got a nap. And an itchy sweater. And isn’t that what life is all about?

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