Our prayers have been answered: Meet the Pizza Cone

An Indianapolis bakery is upping the ante on fattening foods and providing arguably the laziest development in fattiness yet. Say hello to our new friend, the Pizza Cone.

A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help bring to the U.S. a newfangled food called Pizza Cone.

Pizza Cone is exactly what it sounds like: A cone made of pizza dough stuffed with ingredients like cheese, pepperoni and pizza sauce and then eaten on the go like an ice cream cone.

Taylor’s Bakery, founded in 1913, has signed an agreement with Hilton Head, S.C.-based Pino Gelato to be the sole producer of the cone for all of North America.

The equipment arrived at Taylor’s a few weeks ago and production is set to begin in a month.

“Everyone thinks it’s going to be the next hula hoop,” said John Allen, who runs Taylor’s along with his two sons, Matt and Drew. “It’s been very secretive and under the radar.”

Who is this “EVERYONE,” John Allen? What fat diabetic man with an eye for trends wired your house with a speaker and pretended that he was a higher power telling you that it was your divine mission to provide America with a f’ing pizza that you can eat on the go? And theoretically a slice and a half worth of pizza to go isn’t bad, but you know it won’t stop there. The cones will eventually end up the size of a roadside cone and we’ll all eat them vigorously while hating ourselves the entire time. It’s kind of ridiculous that with people poorer than ever, for the most part, we’re eating like we’re decadent hedonists being fanned by manservants. But on the plus side, PIZZA…IN A CONE! BUY BUY BUY HULA HOOP BUY BUY.

It also seems appropriate to throw in this SNL bit “Taco Town” here. We’re not that far, people. Whether that’s good or bad depends on whether you have fat covering your genitals like a Muslim woman, I suppose.

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