The 7 most unspeakably creepy clowns

I came across this photo from I-Am-Bored and instantly was brought back to my childhood irrational fears of clowns. This post is a public service for you if you’re thinking about being any type of clown for Halloween. We all hate clowns, to some extent, and you have these 7 fellows to thank.

via Gigglesugar

Ronald McDonald
Famous for: Giving to sick kids and clogging their arteries simultaneously

Sure, he’s designed to lure kids into loving the McDonald’s brand, but Ronald McDonald is a creep, plain and simple…there are hours of footage from commercials to back it up. For example, his TV debut:

He can cure all the sick little kids he wants, but it’ll never make up for the 10 he undoubtedly tortured for days on end in his dark basement. Sure, the smell of fries was welcome at first, but that quickly evaporates when you find a crazed clown mounting you like a steed while demanding that you say “I’m the Hamburglar and I need punishment for my crimes.”

The Joker
Famous for: Criminal activities, Fighting against the rampant outbreak of seriousness

He’s been an urban terrorist (The Dark Knight), an evil prankster (Batman cartoons), a former gangster (Batman…the first one), and an incompetent homosexual (Cesar Romero, as seen below, in the original Batman series). Clearly any of these would strike fear into your heart.

The reasons you’d find The Joker terrifying is pretty simple. He’ll make some snappy little remark, possibly shoot you in the face with a flower, chuckle, and probably kill you. But at least he’d look like he’s having fun doing it, if that’s any consolation.

Slightly unrelated, but I think the best way to write Heath Ledger/The Joker out of the new series of Batman movies would have been a note saying “The Joker died on the way back to his home planet”.

John Wayne Gacy
Famous for: Entertaining dozens of local kids in Illinois with his exciting clown performances, Killing them

John Wayne Gacy lived for two things: Murdering young boys and balloon animals. You can probably guess which one of those led to his downfall. And yes, in spite of the dangers involved of a balloon animal lifestyle, it was the young boys.

It’s a shame, because he seems so well-adjusted in the interview above. And by well-adjusted, I mean well-adjusted to his zeal for being a complete creep who refuses to admit to the fact that he killed a bunch of people. He does seem fairly well spoken though which is good because you don’t simply become a serial killer dressed like a clown by using poor grammar and broken English.

Pennywise
Famous for: Being really really creepy in the book/TV movie It, Poor dental hygiene

If Pennywise were a real guy just hanging out in a clown suit and killing people, that’d be terrifying enough. But the fact that Pennywise is a shape-shifting manifestation of evil that likes to kill kids, well, that’s just a cherry on top.

It really says something about the horror you can inflict on someone if you can appear in someone’s head, throw some blood balloons, hump a rail and yell some crap and they run away in abject terror. It also really allows you to just kick back and enjoy being a disembodied evil spirit. It’s so easy to get caught up in all your work that you forget to really enjoy what you do. Not a problem for old Pennywise.

The clown in this clip
Famous for: Being in this clip

From this year’s Superbowl ads…

It’s pretty simple, if you’re a clown and you’re hanging out in a baby’s room with just the baby, you might want to reevaluate your place in life. I don’t care HOW MUCH that baby made off of E-Trade, there are some gigs you just can’t book, clowny.

In related news, where’s that E-Trade baby now? Sure, you can blame his disappearance on the recession. Or maybe he just bought one clown too many.

Jack
Famous for: Avant garde commercials, Fattening regions of the country

Yes, you may get thrown off by his Mr. Met head, but Jack from Jack in the Box is indeed a clown. And there’s something about being a clown selling artery clogging food that makes you infinitely more likely to be weird. A stunning revelation, I’m sure.

Yes, that’s Jack in a commercial with RuPaul. I bet you didn’t know that clowns and trannies have so much in common, but there’s so much that they share. Clowns wear a lot of makeup, trannies wear a lot of makeup. Clowns often perform at events, trannies often perform illicit acts for gentlemen of questionable characters. Clowns fold up balloon animals, trannies fold their genitals up so they don’t bulge out. See? Not so different.

Sweet Tooth
Famous for: Starring in the Twisted Metal series, Being able to roast marshmallows on the go

The Twisted Metal series was really popular for a while and Sweet Tooth was one of the mainstays of the game. With good reason. After all, how could you have a dark, dystopic car game without a homicidal clown with a flaming skull?

Sure, he doesn’t seem like he wants to really integrate himself into society, but he should give it a chance. Walking around shirtless with a flaming skull isn’t going to help people not suspect you of the dozens of murders you committed. But maybe if you had a nice Brooks Brothers suit that really complemented the flames and brought out the color of his eyes, he’d be able to find himself a nice fat woman, a midlevel accounting job, and a savings account. Just because you’re born different doesn’t mean you have to stay that way.

Honorable Mentions to These Clowns for Making Me Cry at Some Point in My Life
Bozo the Clown (Any clown who made clowns famous to an entire generation deserves your disdain)
Homey the Clown (His slapjack and surly attitude make him less than desirable for kids’ parties)
The Clown from Spawn (Not a very nice fellow)
That Evil Krusty Doll in The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror III (Krusty’s just down on his luck and an addict…this toy clown had no redeeming qualities)
That toy clown who killed the kid in Poltergeist (Yeah, that made me really want a clown doll alright)
My grandmother’s friend who had red hair and wore a lot of makeup (One time, I saw her and ran away and cried. That probably made her feel good. Also, I was 23.)

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Like this? You may want to check out the 8 best Halloween stickers for the savvy sex offender or the 8 worst real life jobs of video game characters. Have a clown you hate? Leave them in the comments below.

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