The Penistron will provide you with sex

There’s really nothing I can do to adequately segue into this, but here’s some sort of sex toy created by a Japanese scientist and, well, really all you can do is watch it.

You see, the rubber vagina is connected to a series of 24 magnets, just like a real human vagina, so it adequately recreates the vaginal experience. Also, when clustered, magnets bleed on themselves every 28 days and often whine at you to take out the garbage, so there you go, double whammy.

I question the scientific capabilities of any inventor who encourages me to shove a joystick up my anus or says that his product is “a lot like sticking your penis into a vacuum.” If I wanted to recreate what it was like have a babysitter when I was 12, I’d just unrepress the memories on my own.

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