THE ULTIMATE RIP

I’m not easily offended. In fact, you could say a lot of things about me or to me and I would blow it off.

But what happened to me Saturday was in a whole other league….

At my buddy’s wedding this past Saturday, I saw a friend of my parents that I hadn’t seen in awhile. The last I recall seeing her was at least 2 years ago.

After exchanging pleasantries, she just rips out with

“You need to stop gaining weight”.

Just like that. No warm-up, no nothing.

No, “hey, you look a little different since last time I saw you?”.
No, “Hey, you’ve had a couple of helpings at the buffet recently huh?”.
No, “Hey, you’re looking a little big boned’d”.

Nothing…

Naturally, after being caught off-guard I had nothing to say. Usually I’m good for a quip or two, but I was just awe-struck.

After about five awkward seconds of silence, she moved on to talk to my buddy standing next to me.

Outside of just ripping into her, I’m not even sure how I could have responded.

“Well, you got uglier the last time I saw you”

“Your boobs are now down to your belt, last time I saw you they were at your belly button”

“You don’t even qualify as a mediocre GILF”

Dammit, in hindsight, I should have used that last one.

Oh well…..

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