Top 10 live poker player types

Douglas Charles Managing Editor

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

this+woman+is+never+at+my+table,+and+not+on+this+list Top 10 live poker player typesI run my own home game, play at casinos occasionally, and watch way too much tv poker. So I’ve seen and been all of these guys, but especially #1. Some people call that changing it up; I call it a personality disorder. Let’s shuffle up and list!

10 – Math Geek. Knowing the odds for your suck-out hopes is all well and good, but this walking calculator takes it way too far. Eventually, they will own far too many chips thanks to the calculators in their skulls, but take solace that when that day arrives, they’ll still need to use the money they make to pay for sex.

9 – Purist. Any non-poker conversation is an affront to the poker gods, along with any winning suck-out from bad cards or position. (Note that such things are Just Poker when they benefit him, of course.) The purist hasn’t quite gotten the fact that poker, like life, is actually very unfair, seeing how he’s walking around with a working nose and all.

8 – Fake Drunk. Why, he’s betting crazy, has slurred speech and posture, and looks like easy pickings. So why does he have all those chips? Maybe because he’s really not that drunk. (Or finally playing more than super-tight hands.)

7 – Tightass. Folds on nearly everything, whines about the blind size, doesn’t chip in for food or drink, and can’t be bluffed off with anything less than a handgun. Usually older and better than you, and much more likely to be dealt aces.

6 – Narrator. Do you dream of making the final table at a televised tournament, but don’t have the scratch to enter? Well, just sit down with this guy, and try to avoid going on tilt from sheer hatred. My favorite move from this guy is when you bluff him off a pot in 3-way action, and the turn or river completes his hand. Bring headphones.

5 – Condemned. The stack is dwindling, his dog is dying, and every bet looks like something out of an after-school special on the evils of gambling. This player is often accompanied by some hanger-on who is either distraught or furious. Good times!

4 – Morpheus. He knows your hand with such regularity, you might as well be playing with transparent cards. He remembers hands from hours ago. He exudes pure calm and confidence, even if he’s short-stacked. He’s involved in every meaningful hand, and his bluff is never called. Needless to say, you want no part of this guy.

3 – Speed Freak. Every fold, bet or call is made like he’s got a train to catch, regardless of the pot size or game situation. You get the feeling he’d rather be playing online, and he probably is during the breaks.

2 – Mr. Memory. No chance of the deal order getting messed up here – he’s got that down, along with the outcome of hands that didn’t involve him. It’s all pretty intimidating, but don’t be scared — he’ll remember the hand you win much longer than you will.

1 – Loser. Well, let’s see, I’m increasingly middle-aged, wear those middle management clothes that define business casual soulless, and have the hollowed-out eyes that just screams out that I have daughters, multiple mortgages and a stalled career path. Let’s gamble!

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