Top 10 things I’d try if I were an NFL GM

Douglas Charles Managing Editor

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

what+a+great+load+of+qb+goo Top 10 things Id try if I were an NFL GM10. Punts on kickoffs against dangerous returners. I’m probably reading the rule book wrong, but it seems that just because you can use a tee, you don’t actually have to. A decent punter puts the ball 65 yard down field (14 to the line of scrimmage, plus 50 on positive distance) with more hang time, which means your Devin Hester type is touching the ball at his own five-yard-line with, potentially, gunners-a-popping. Also, the kickoff is a live ball; if you can somehow get there first, that’s one hell of an onside kick. (Heck, do this every kickoff; just have the punter go for maximum hang time with a 20 yard boot, and let the bodies hit the floor.)

9. Spring intramural games. Just because the NFL isn’t smart enough to give the junkies something to watch for six months doesn’t mean that you have to follow suit. I’m hiring a couple hundred workout warriors, having them beat on each other in the laundry, televising it to the local affiliate and promising actual training camp spots to the MVPs of my spring league. Plus, this means I’ve got a great leverage tool for any problem player or rookie with attitude, since none of them will be wanting to play in my own personal D-League. Sure, there could be union issues, but it’s not like the NFLPA has ever shown the balls to oppose anything effectively before. Depending on the market, this could be a license to print money.

8. Convicts. Tying right in with #8, because who can resist the human drama of a violent felon (or twelve) trying to keep it together and engineer the ultimate comeback? Or, even better yet, watching to see which of them will snap on the ref? And remember, it’s only exploitative if we don’t pay them. Something.

7. Designated kick blockers. Consider the 45th man on an active roster; he’s usually a spare defensive back or linebacker, special teams wedge fodder, utterly forgettable and almost never the reason why you win or lose a game. Now, instead of that personnel move, give me a super long-armed failed NBA center or high jumper, who I’m just going to put behind the line on field goals and point after touchdowns. If nothing else, maybe I get into the opposing kicker’s head, and considering how tight NFL games are now — and how many kicks fairly tall guys like Clyde Simmons knocked down over the years — I’m kind of surprised this doesn’t already exist.

6. Forfeit. If and when it becomes obvious that my regime of insanity was coming to an end, I’d go out with the ultimate controversial act — a flat-out quit. Why? Because, by rule, it goes in the books as a 1-0 loss to the opposition, which is an incredible total points under and point spread score, and also give me the ultimate bone job to fantasy football players. Burn those bridges, baby.

5. Moose sneak. A few years ago, the Giants employed Jared “The Hefty Lefty” Lorenzon, a terrible idea of a backup quarterback, but a really impressive fat pantload. He was more or less unstoppable at short yardarge sneak situations, at least in the game that they used him for such things (it was against my Eagles), and it kept Little Eli from having those mean kids beat on him.

So… you’re telling me you can’t train a blocking tight end type to take the snap from center in a kind of power wildcat play, and convert those short and goal yardage situations with road grader glee, and also spare the wear and tear on your QB? The only people that hate this one as fantasy players, who just lost a handful of sneak rushing TDs.

4. Enhanced crowd participation. We can do better than bugle calls and stadium announcements for noise. Instead, we’re going to hand out materials for all of the fans to hold up at various moments, especially when, say, the opposing team’s quarterback is trying to work. Let’s just say some of those materials could be reflective, or work like an elaborate jigsaw puzzle to show the man a photo of his naked relations, maybe in a head-on car accident. It’s all in fun. Our idea of fun.

3. True home field advantage. Tying in with #4, we’re going to have fans on the sidelines, in standing room only pens. And in blimps directly over the field. And ringing the path to the locker room, giving grief to the chain gang, enjoying close quarter looks at the cheerleading staff, and in general, enjoying life. We want them loud, we want them close, we want them predisposed to like the home team, or at the very least, the organization that’s giving them access. Oh, and the liquor will be flowing, and the security staff will have the speed and efficiency of the crack force from “The Jerry Springer Show.” We’re not going to be anyone’s idea of an easy road trip, and that includes Road Fan.

2. Cheerleader fights. Longtime FTT readers are well aware of my need for a portion of the cheerleading staff to go rogue and be punished for their sins. Let’s just say that no male that I’ve ever told this plan to has expressed his disgust at what this might mean to the vibe. Plus, we’re helping to foster a spirit of innovation among the youth. It’s a win-win.

1. Throwback reject. The NFL makes us wear these horrifying duds of yesteryear? Fine. But they can’t make us (a) sell them, and (b) make any amount of Comedy Hay (burning in effigy is always a crowd pleaser) from the existence of such things. Some things, you should not make money on,and that includes the vast majority of these throw-up throw-backs. Besides, with our innovative four-drink minimum policy, we’ll make more than enough to cover any income shortfall.

Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments…

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