Top 11 reasons why Jimmy Rollins has sucked this year

Posted by Douglas Charles on June 28th, 2009 at 9:29 pm

The one-time MVP and leadoff hitter for the defending World Series champions grabbed some bench for this weekend’s series with Toronto. Not coincidentally, given that Rollins ranks 84th out of 87 qualifying National League hitters in OPS, the Phils won two out of three. (J-Roll is crushing Willy Taveras, Jason Kendall and Brian Giles. The other 83 guys, including Emilio Bonifacio? Not so much.)

What’s caused the career-worst numbers for the straw that stirs the Phillies drink? So glad you asked, really.

11) Saw “Logan’s Run” in the off-season, and can’t stop staring at his palms since he turned 30

10) He’s secretly Dominican, and hence, actually 36

9) Is just trying to keep the Mets close enough to the pennant race so they can choke

8) Just can’t go on without Pat Burrell

7) Like many Phillies (see Lidge, Brad), only got one year out of his deal with Satan

6) Can no longer stand the pressure of having to be better than Eric Bruntlett

5) Lost all motivation when Jose Reyes got hurt

4) Like everything else that’s wrong in baseball in 2009, it’s all the fault of the World Baseball Classic

3) Secretly changed bodies with Raul Ibanez

2) Suicidally depressed that, even after the team’s first World Series win in 28 years, the town’s fans (a) are still angry, and (b) like football better

1) I drafted him early in my most important rotisserie league, and refuse to deal him

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Douglas Charles Douglas Charles, aka "DC Scrap," is the managing editor of Guyism.com. His experience includes operating an assortment sports and entertainment Web sites over the past decade, but his specialty is discovering sexy women from all over the world that he knows he will never have a chance with, let alone meet - a quality he shares with 99.99% of his readers.