Top 12 trim tricks

Posted by Douglas Charles on April 17th, 2009 at 5:25 am

Gather round, children, and here tales from a man who used to chase and get much better tail than his looks or money should have taken down. With luck, the willingness to whore yourself out, and the right circumstances, you too could get more play than you deserve, only to eventually settle down, have daughters, then watch them fall for some scumbag with the same tricks. Enjoy! And stay the hell away from my house.

12) Alpha male. If you think you’re going to get play from just being nice and a good listener and easy to get along with, you are out of your mind. Nice guy types put this down to women wanting jerks, but that’s not the real story. What they want is a guy that knows what he wants, says what he means, and doesn’t cry like a bitch when he doesn’t get it.

11) Crazy love. If she’s crazy good in the sack, keep in mind that the chance that she’s probably crazy in other places, too. Keep this in mind when you want to give her keys.

10) Cough drops. Assuming you’re willing to perform service in return for same, experiment with a menthol to give your breath that extra zing. Just don’t tell her why it’s better when you do it (assuming, of course, that she likes the sensation), and never, ever lose it in there.

9) For 3, find 1. Just about every guy on the planet dreams of being in the middle of a chick filet, but they go about it the wrong way by looking for those magical kinky friends (or, worse yet, freaky twins) that exist only in B-movies. If you really want the full studio audience experience to happen, you need to find yourself a good bi girl, and treat her like the equal partner that she is. Just don’t get possessive, or make the mistake of falling in love with her. She’s an independent agent, not a life partner.

8) Girls that will let you do anything… aren’t worth anything. Maybe your mileage varies on this, but the getting back at Dad girl who wants abuse might sound like fun, but really isn’t, because she’s usually so passive as to be near-dead. If this is your idea of fun, just get yourself a blow-up doll and save yourself some time.

7) Be pharmacologically open. By this, I don’t mean that you should be going for the roofies; that’s criminal and stupid and will get you in some fantastically deep guano. But drinking girls are usually more than worth it in the short term, and if she’s willing to abuse drugs just to get in the mood to ride your sorry ass, who are you to disapprove? Remember the goal.

6) Verminous but honest. The guys that girls hate aren’t the ones they have sex with; they are the ones that they have sex with, but regret afterwards, because the guy lied to her for action. Be honest about what you want. If you’re good enough in the sack, she’ll probably think she can change your mind later, anyway.

5) Safety, safety, safety. If the girl tells you that she’s allergic to latex, use a condom. If she tells you that she’s on the pill, use a condom. If she tells you that she’s on some freaky arm implant that means she can’t get pregnant, use a condom. If the girl says she’s never been with anyone before, use two condoms. You’ve got a while life of nooky ahead of you; do not jeopardize it.

4) No judgments. You are as big of a you-know-what as she is; remember this always, and you’ll be a lot easier to get along with for all concerned. This especially comes into play with the second entry on this field.

3) Exit strategies. Do you leave your place without knowing where you are going? Of course not; that’s just stupid. Same rule applies with the nooky. If you need to get out of relationship, do not treat it like a sudden emergency; plan ahead with an effective cover story of a new job, family relocation or some other such approach.

2) Referrals. Think women don’t talk to each other about, well, everything? Yeah, they do. Which means that if you treat one like hell, give them a disease, steal, lie, etc… it’s all coming back. Karma’s the biggest bitch there is. (Oh, and on the plus side, if you are great in the sack and not a liar, that also pays off, too.)

1) Fertile fields. Women’s schools. Book stores. Yoga classes. Etc. If you want to bed a lot of women, you need to be in lots of places, meeting lots of women; it just won’t happen any other way. (Oh, and it also doesn’t hurt at all if you make yourself friendly to women on the other team, especially college types. The four-year lesbian is a pretty common experience, and can provide truly exceptional value.)

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Douglas Charles Douglas Charles, aka "DC Scrap," is the managing editor of Guyism.com. His experience includes operating an assortment sports and entertainment Web sites over the past decade, but his specialty is discovering sexy women from all over the world that he knows he will never have a chance with, let alone meet - a quality he shares with 99.99% of his readers.