Top 12 ways to get a small child through an MLB game

by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

Is this the year that you are going to try to take Junior or Princess (or, God help you, Junior Princess) to an MLB game? Follow these 12 simple tips to full-game happiness.

12) Starvation. You might have “We’ll eat at the game” trigger an eating disorder later in life, but what do you care? Remember, the longer they eat, the longer they are quiet and at the game. For maximum effectiveness, start this the night before.

11) Responsible transportation. Taking public transportation to the game not only gives you an opportunity to be eco-smug in front of your spawn (and spawn, as a rule, tends to care more about the earth than you do, since they’ll be on it longer), but also to drink early and often, maybe even on the train. Just recycle your empties, or better yet, pack a flask. It’s earth-friendlier!

10) Economic education. The mid-game seat upgrade is a terrific way to educate your kid on how economics work, along with Sticking It To The Man. It’s also a fine way to learn basic acting exercises, like crying on command when the usher comes to roust you. See, kids can be useful for more than tax deductions.

9) Bribery. Some Parent of the Year types can get through an entire game without going to the Sugar Sugar and More Sugar whip, but seeing how you don’t know any of those people, buy your way to happiness. Just remember to stay cheap for as long as possible, because once you’ve gone to the pricier stuff, there’s no going back.

8) Threats. The way to make these effective is to stay quiet, specific, and limited; remember, you don’t want to cause a scene. So something along the lines of “I know where your favorite stuffed animal is, and you won’t see him if you ask to go home”? That’ll work. And hey, it will help teach them to be more responsible with their things.

7) Backstories. Teach your child which of the various players used Cheater Drugs, which ones have gone to jail, and which ones will make more in one year than they will in their whole life. This ties nicely into our next entry…

6) Education. Heckling is something of a lost art among the younger generations, and there’s nothing quite so touching as hearing a young voice take up the challenge of giving Blue exactly what he deserves. In my experience, no matter how little a child may care about baseball, he or she will just enjoy the opportunity to hurl insults at strangers. Make it a bonding experience!

5) Trickery. Hey, you’re older than they are and know more about baseball, so sentiments like “We’ll leave after the first inning that has four outs” and “Daddy might win a puppy in the ninth inning sweepstakes” can be quite effective. Be creative.

4) Dependence. So your kid’s a sugar junkie, probably from your previous bribes. Use it to your advantage, with a slow and measured distribution that ramps up to the good fix late. This one works best if you’ve got another parent to toss the kid on for bedtime, like a live grenade.

3) Bargaining. Give a little, get a little — three innings in the seats for three innings in the Kid Play Area works well. Especially since, well, the Kid Play Area usually has monitors to watch the game, and is a great place to go MILF-hunting. Just remember to take off any wedding ring, and maybe have your kid play the “Let’s Pretend Mommy Died In Childbirth” Game…

2) Fear. Remember, you took the train to the game — and very, very bad criminals might be on the lookout for people who leave early. It’s only safe to go with the big crowd late. I just feel sorry for all of those people that leave early — they might never, ever make it home.

1) Explosions. If you prepare, every night at the park is Fireworks Night. Some just have more audience participation than others!

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