7 bizarre real teen trends you should know about

When a child becomes a teenager, there is nothing more important than fitting in. Peer pressure rules and we all have misdemeanors on our records and piercings on our cocks to prove it. But nowadays, “cool” is taking on all kinds of unidentifiable forms. Maybe its the rise in cigarette costs (in NYC, at least) or societal acceptance of premarital relations, but the youth are finding newer and more efficient ways to challenge our tolerance of their ways. Here are seven of today’s most bizarre teen trends that will make you scoff, shake your head, embrace your adulthood and never look back.

7 Silly Bandz
They are the newest craze amongst the youth. They are worn, traded, collected, and obsessed over. Its gotten so bad that schools have resorted to banning them for being ‘too distracting’. So, what exactly are they? Plastic rubber bands in the shape of animals, fruits and a variety of other ‘fun’ themes. Hopefully, these kids are just taking all the news about our environment and economy to heart. Otherwise, we might be fostering way too much imagination because these kids are too easily impressed. Next fad: a bag of wet Styrofoam flakes!

6 Vlog Hauling
Have you ever had to sit through a list of items your girlfriend bought on her latest trip to the mall? If not, consider yourself lucky. To feel this long drawn-out audible pain, you would have to gently tuck your balls into your ear canal and have them stomped, slowly, like some kind of opium-induced cha cha. Vlog hauling is all that and more. A video showing off a brand name item, why it’s hot, quick tangent about nothing, and cycle repeats. I understand sex tapes went out of style after the last celebrity got caught, but you know the i’ll-regret-this-when-i’m-older factor lives on with this one.

5 Formspring
Formspring has created the ultimate shrine for precocious brats to express themselves; a Web site set up like a never-ending interview. Ask me anything! While its funny to see what little drops of wisdom teen gurus will draw from their shallow pools of understanding, the real downside is all the “cyber-bullying” that goes down on these pages. What started out innocently enough quickly spiraled into a whirlwind of anonymous negative comments. It’s bad enough teens aren’t manning up and calling girls up for dates (we all had to do it, word to the nervous shaky voice in all of us) but now this? Call me old-fashioned, but when you get bad-mouthed by somebody you should be able to reserve the right to at least sweep kick them in front of all their friends.

4 Awkward
When you think of the “cool” kids in high school, you either have bad memories of scooping water out of your ears from that last swirly or fond ones of administering the most magnificent wedgie. Well, we can thank Michael Cera and every other indie teen movie for making awkward the new cool. Can you picture the scene at the local high school? Girls giggling and whispering ‘oh look, here he comes’ as the skinny kid rounds the corner, eyes on floor, hands in pocket, back hunched under the weight of a textbook-pregnant book bag, all in slow motion. Smooth. This trend will forever tarnish the way ‘cool kids’ look back at the springtime of their youth. “Back in high school, I used to be cool… I guess, sort of”.

3 Girls with Half Baldies
What do you prefer? Girls with their hair long and flowing or cut short with the cute bangs in front? How about half-buddhist monk swagger with a touch of leukemia patient flair? Pop artists, like Cassie, draw inspiration for their sexy style from just about anywhere and we’ll make love to our hands because of it. But this smooth peach fuzz and thick hair sprout hybrid can only have been influenced by a horse’s ass. Bottom line: Striptease > GI Jane.

2 Digital Drugs
When you couldn’t reach your local marijuana service provider, you did just about anything to get high (and you still do). Sniff glue, chug Robitussin, do Magic Eye 3D with the floral patterns of your grandma’s underwear. I used to chuckle and think about what kids were going to come up with next. Now that the future is here, I am dually impressed and disappointed. I-dosing is the literal interpretation of the Lost Boyz’ hit Music Makes Me High. It uses sound frequencies to manipulate your brain and create a physiological effect that resembles a “high”. While all that sounds pretty bad ass, its biggest negative effect is that it may lead to the usage of actual drugs. May lead to the usage of actual drugs? So, while other generations peeled mushrooms off of cow’s dung and eroded their brains with MDMA, you listened to an mp3 that made you half consider smoking a cigarette. I don’t condone the use of drugs among teens, but if you’re going to do it, try harder!

1 Vampires
I’m sure you’re all familiar with the root of this last trend. The Twilight craze has been sweeping the nation like avian flu, revealing the true bird-like nature of our female counterparts. But its doing more than driving the sales of movie tickets, DVDs and merchandise. Teens are actually biting each other. I guess it makes sense, why not combine long-time teen staples, the hickey and cutting yourself, into a neat little declaration of love right? Let me just leave you with an illustration. Everything was all good between Old Yeller and the two boys until he caught the rabies and started foaming at the mouth. They put him down with a bullet. Love is pain, word up.

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