Guide to the philosophical messages hidden in the Kardashian family music video

Katie Nolan Editor, "Guyism Speed Round" Producer

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The Kardashians released their newest family music video, which I guess is a thing that they do. Rather than brush it off, I decided to give it a critical viewing. What I found may surprise you.

The video opens with two black SUVs pulling up to a building to the tune of Notorious B.I.G’s “Hypnotize.” The Kardashians are a West Coast family, yet they didn’t choose a Tupac song. Wow; Right off the bat we’ve got a really strong statement about the East/West rivalry in hiphop. If you get your life advice from the Kardashians, which I can’t imagine you don’t, I’d say it’s time we lay that all to rest.

Skip to 0:28: “Wait. This is a Kardashian video, so I grabbed the lotion and some tissues… but now the only people dressed sexually and not in animal-print potato sacks are CHILDREN!” Bam. The Kardashians just punched you in the dick with a very important message: Child pornography can only be stopped if we start by looking at ourselves.

At 0:42 we see a brave, young Kardashian sitting on a couch with braids & a fitted (get it? Just like black people!), with her face painted in pastel colors reminiscent of Gotye’s music video for “Somebody That I Used To Know”; an obvious nod to the power of music, which can bring together a large black man like Mr. Biggie Smalls and an emaciated white singer-songwriter from Australia.

At 1:08 we see Kim bouncing her ass in a pool. Note how she selflessly uses her most famous body part to emphasize the importance of tsunami awareness. Powerful stuff.

1:49 shows the family tossing money in the air. You call it flaunting their wealth; I call it “giving back to the community.” In a fun way that is kind of like a scavenger hunt for poor people.

That’s not even halfway through the video, and look how much hidden meaning we’ve unearthed! I intended to break down the whole video, but unfortunately if I watch one more fucking second of that shit I’m going to inflict myself with puncture wounds.